Mindfulness when angry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 125
Mindfulness when angry.
Day three halfway thru.
came across a link on social media about being mindful when angry. I tried to attach it but being a newb, I’m not allowed.
anyway.,,,it struck a serious nerve. its almost like it was sent directly to me.
Sounds difficult. 50 years old and I still act like a caged animal sometimes.
anyone have any practice with this? I get so angry so fast especially now with the lockdown. So much out of control.
i need to figure this out. Good news is day three is easier. Much less cloudy, crummy, anxious.
came across a link on social media about being mindful when angry. I tried to attach it but being a newb, I’m not allowed.
anyway.,,,it struck a serious nerve. its almost like it was sent directly to me.
Sounds difficult. 50 years old and I still act like a caged animal sometimes.
anyone have any practice with this? I get so angry so fast especially now with the lockdown. So much out of control.
i need to figure this out. Good news is day three is easier. Much less cloudy, crummy, anxious.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Beels, I used to be like that, too. For me, I didn't know I was using mindfulness at first, but I learned that if I paid close attention to my feelings, and especially how they were making my body feel, I would catch the anger as soon as it started. I found that I could feel it in my solar plexus when it began and, then I could manage it in a more healthy way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Yes, I have had anger issues my whole life. I take medication that helps. But I can say this, when drinking the medicine doesn't work, I am capable of anything, its embarrassing actually. When sober I can calm myself before I get too worked up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Early in recovery a wise man told me when I felt anger coming on, to pay attention to the physical changes occurring in my body. The knot in my stomach, the tightened muscles in my neck, the clenched fists, the blood surging through my veins, etc.
If I liked the changes then keep on getting angry, if I didn't, then start concentrating on one area of my body at a time until I could reverse the change and relax it. Then proceed to another area of my body still effected by the stress of angry and do the same thing. Do this to all the areas where I felt changes.
I found this worked and one of the reasons was because it took my focus off of the object of my anger. In relaxing my body, my mind had time to ease up as well and then I could look at the situation in a more healthy manner.
17 years later I am still employing this technique. It saves me from me. :~)
If I liked the changes then keep on getting angry, if I didn't, then start concentrating on one area of my body at a time until I could reverse the change and relax it. Then proceed to another area of my body still effected by the stress of angry and do the same thing. Do this to all the areas where I felt changes.
I found this worked and one of the reasons was because it took my focus off of the object of my anger. In relaxing my body, my mind had time to ease up as well and then I could look at the situation in a more healthy manner.
17 years later I am still employing this technique. It saves me from me. :~)
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I am not generally an angry person, yet at times I have been completely bowled over with an outburst of anger that has appeared to come from nowhere. I can think of half a dozen occasions where this has happened. I would like to say I was capable of the considered approach Nez employs, but in these events I have gone from neutral to red hot in about 5 seconds, just enough time to be aware of a choking sensation as the blood rushes to my head.
In these moments, I am not master in my own house. I don't seem to be able to employ much in the way of self control.
Your post prompted me to take some time to ponder these events and see if there were any common threads, and there were. In each case one or more of these factors was present in my thinking/actions prior to the event: Resentment, dishonesty, selfishness and/or fear.
I remember one big explosion with my boss. It was over my expenses. I stormed out and considered the situation, realised the he was right. I had been dishonest and was resentful that I had been caught - so a selfish sense of entitlement was in play too. Went back immediately, apologised and made the situation right.
On every occasion I have made immediate amends and that has defused the danger for me. A flash of anger need not be a disaster provided it is not permitted to remain unresolved where it can turn into a festering soul destroying resentment. I can't afford that nor do I want to live like that.
On some occasions the anger has been justified by the actions of others, but somehow I find myself easily able to forgive these days, though I don't forget "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."
The thing about making amends is that I don't enjoy having to do it. It heals things as a rule, but each time I learn a lesson, I get better at watching for those four things, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. If I deal with them when I spot them, the anger is neutralised before it even exists.
In these moments, I am not master in my own house. I don't seem to be able to employ much in the way of self control.
Your post prompted me to take some time to ponder these events and see if there were any common threads, and there were. In each case one or more of these factors was present in my thinking/actions prior to the event: Resentment, dishonesty, selfishness and/or fear.
I remember one big explosion with my boss. It was over my expenses. I stormed out and considered the situation, realised the he was right. I had been dishonest and was resentful that I had been caught - so a selfish sense of entitlement was in play too. Went back immediately, apologised and made the situation right.
On every occasion I have made immediate amends and that has defused the danger for me. A flash of anger need not be a disaster provided it is not permitted to remain unresolved where it can turn into a festering soul destroying resentment. I can't afford that nor do I want to live like that.
On some occasions the anger has been justified by the actions of others, but somehow I find myself easily able to forgive these days, though I don't forget "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."
The thing about making amends is that I don't enjoy having to do it. It heals things as a rule, but each time I learn a lesson, I get better at watching for those four things, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. If I deal with them when I spot them, the anger is neutralised before it even exists.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
I don't know if this is related or will be helpful, but when I was newly sober, I often would have a spell of feeling like I was going to bust clear apart. To get through those minutes or hours, I would concentrate very hard on the physical things I could see around me and repeat their names -- actually, in my case, their colors. Like I'd go around murmuring "blue blue blue brown red brown red red red..." until I calmed down.
If probably sounds crazy but it was extremely calming. I think it was my first step towards meditation.
If probably sounds crazy but it was extremely calming. I think it was my first step towards meditation.
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Thank you OP and everyone who responded - this is exactly the thread I needed today.
I'm still under a year sober. Add to that, I'm pregnant and off all my meds. There are MANY potential causes for why my emotions have been careening off the deep end, but my wife is just about fed up with my angry outbursts (they're essentially massive meltdowns). I feel like I have ZERO control over my anxiety and anger, which seem to fill my entire body with an insane amount of energy searching for an outlet.
Meditation is something I really know I should explore, but those techniques that I can use in the immediate moment are much appreciated.
I'm still under a year sober. Add to that, I'm pregnant and off all my meds. There are MANY potential causes for why my emotions have been careening off the deep end, but my wife is just about fed up with my angry outbursts (they're essentially massive meltdowns). I feel like I have ZERO control over my anxiety and anger, which seem to fill my entire body with an insane amount of energy searching for an outlet.
Meditation is something I really know I should explore, but those techniques that I can use in the immediate moment are much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,156
I'm still not sure what people mean by mindfulness. I know what it means to me, but not what it means to you. If we use the same definition, mindfulness may not be enough. Understanding your anger is helpful, but letting it go may require learning a new skill. At least it was for me. I was a whizz at being mindful of my anger, I could be mindful of it for years. I hoarded it and preserved it like it was a precious gift. Letting it go is a behavior change that takes some practice. It did for me.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
It's important to remember that our prefrontal cortex kind of turns off when our fight/flight/freeze system is activated, meaning it's really hard to be mindful when angry or feeling threatened. So, step one is to get back into rational mode. One of the best ways to do this is by activating the vagus nerve, mostly via deep breaths. Google vagus nerve activation for more info... Or parasympathetic nervous system...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 125
Thanks for all the contributions and support. Basically the article was about recognizing triggers. It was written from a guy who grew up with an alcoholic mother. Just that feeling of being out of control of life and angry at his mom for not just stopping for him. He felt like she should just stop if she loved him, she should be able to.
so as an adult he flew off the handle anytime he felt these things...
I guess knowing this and applying some of the mindfulness of my physical/visceral reactions... heart beating fast, tense neck and shoulders, seeing red....
ive Practiced a few times since yesterday. It’s working. I also created a way to “timeout” and just get away for a few minutes. Damn. 50. Giving myself timeouts...
day 4 almost done. I’m craving now because I feel fine.... but I know that it’s a lie. Nothing good comes for alcohol.
it’s the first one that is the devil.
peace
so as an adult he flew off the handle anytime he felt these things...
- Disrespected
- Lied to
- Being talked down to
- Not being treated fairly
- Not given credit
- Not appreciated
I guess knowing this and applying some of the mindfulness of my physical/visceral reactions... heart beating fast, tense neck and shoulders, seeing red....
ive Practiced a few times since yesterday. It’s working. I also created a way to “timeout” and just get away for a few minutes. Damn. 50. Giving myself timeouts...
day 4 almost done. I’m craving now because I feel fine.... but I know that it’s a lie. Nothing good comes for alcohol.
it’s the first one that is the devil.
peace
luring sobriety this way with my lucky charm
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: California
Posts: 738
Well for starters because you know certain things trigger you, limit the time you spend paying attention to them. If it's something you can choose not to do or at least not do as often (like go on Facebook) then...don't.
I say this not in a condescending way but as something I'm learning to manage myself, especially during this difficult time in society.
I decided to take a week off of social media.
Also, I think people who have told you to take breaths is good, and move your body in some way. Walk out on your porch or in your yard or garden if you can. Do some stretches. Or punch a pillow if you must. Processing and freeing the feelings is part of the problem. When it feels stuck inside you and you can't get away from it, you're going to be more tempted to try to cope in a less healthy way (like drinking or using).
You could also try substitutes like a calming tea, a legal one, I'm not suggesting you go order something weird on-line that is also addictive, I mean one of the stress reliever or bedtime types of teas they sell in a regular grocery market.
Sometimes taking a shower helps ease my tension if I'm not wildly angry, but just feel rigid or tense.
I'm just now learning to do qigong to assist me in my recovery. I am not saying what works for me will work for everyone, but because one of my issues is tension or anger or being reactive, it helps me to move instead of try to force myself to sit still and meditate and be mindful. I mean I still am doing that like at night before bed, but I'm not trying to force myself to sit cross-legged and say "om" when I feel extremely anxious or angry. Doing something like qigong, or also yoga, has been very helpful for me.
I say this not in a condescending way but as something I'm learning to manage myself, especially during this difficult time in society.
I decided to take a week off of social media.
Also, I think people who have told you to take breaths is good, and move your body in some way. Walk out on your porch or in your yard or garden if you can. Do some stretches. Or punch a pillow if you must. Processing and freeing the feelings is part of the problem. When it feels stuck inside you and you can't get away from it, you're going to be more tempted to try to cope in a less healthy way (like drinking or using).
You could also try substitutes like a calming tea, a legal one, I'm not suggesting you go order something weird on-line that is also addictive, I mean one of the stress reliever or bedtime types of teas they sell in a regular grocery market.
Sometimes taking a shower helps ease my tension if I'm not wildly angry, but just feel rigid or tense.
I'm just now learning to do qigong to assist me in my recovery. I am not saying what works for me will work for everyone, but because one of my issues is tension or anger or being reactive, it helps me to move instead of try to force myself to sit still and meditate and be mindful. I mean I still am doing that like at night before bed, but I'm not trying to force myself to sit cross-legged and say "om" when I feel extremely anxious or angry. Doing something like qigong, or also yoga, has been very helpful for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 125
Yeah. This is still new but I’ve take the dog for a walk or do a quick chore in the immediate too.
Just realized there was a zillion different types of tea packets in the cupboard. Teas for stress, digestion, immune support, green tea, etc. I never see anyone drinking tea in this house!
I got them all our and put them in a container. Now my spouse and I drink tea before bed. Pretty nice but who knew?
I realize too much caffeine in the morning Ramos up the agitation.
Anger triggers also seem less threatening when I’m not drinking like a fish.
On to day 5.
Peace
Just realized there was a zillion different types of tea packets in the cupboard. Teas for stress, digestion, immune support, green tea, etc. I never see anyone drinking tea in this house!
I got them all our and put them in a container. Now my spouse and I drink tea before bed. Pretty nice but who knew?
I realize too much caffeine in the morning Ramos up the agitation.
Anger triggers also seem less threatening when I’m not drinking like a fish.
On to day 5.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,235
In living life in recovery for the past 29 yrs. I can tell
you that ....yes.....i, like many still get agitated, resentful,
some anger, restless, irritable and discontent.
Life will go one and people, places and things will come
along to ruffles my feathers and try to take away my peace
and serenity. However, not enough, not bad enough for me
to want and drink myself to death.
Which could and would if i ever let go of my recovery
lifelines, my support, faith and all the knowledge
and recovery tools I practice and incorperate in
my daily life on a continuous bases.
There are programs of recovery folks use as a
guideline to helping them remain sober a day
at a time. Mine is AA. This guideline to living a
sober life was taught to me when i entered
recovery via rehab for 28 day.
Back in 1990, i was not aware of all the recovery
support programs that are available today for so
many battling addictions.
As you read around the boards you will find out
how successful some are using what they have learned
or taught to aid in their own recovery success.
When i get agitated and want to drop my favorite
coffee mug or slam microwave doors or closet doors,
i have to remind myself that once it is broken, that
item may not be replaced. Esp. if the coffee mug came
from Mt. Rushmore and motorcycle trip a few yrs
ago. We cant just up and ride a few mile for another
one.
Other things broken or damaged may get replaced
or fixed but at what cost? Do I want to spend money
which maybe tight right now on a damaged microwave
i broke due to my anger issues, or do i stop in my tracks,
pause, take a moment to walk away, calm down, and
emmediately begin to pray...…
I learned several recovery prayers right off the bat when
i was in rehab and memorized them to be able to say them
when and wher ever i was then and wherever I am today.
The Serenity Prayer, 3rd Step Prayer amongst many
I learned from growing up and all the meditation books
ive purchased over the yrs and searched for online.
Why is meditation important in recovery?
Meditation improves your inner peace, self-awareness, mental
functioning, and helps you detach from thoughts and impulses,
which can help reduce cravings and prevent relapse. It lays a
positive effect and reduces the levels of stress and anxiety which is of utmost importance in recovery.
Grab a soothing cup of tea or take a soothing bubble
bath to relax, create you a wonderful place in your
backyard, a little courtyard with a place all to yourself
to sit and mediate or tend to your little flowers or watch
the bird come down to the feeder or perch to sing you
a lovely song.
There are so many ways to let go of anger and build a
strong defense against it for a peaceful mind, body and
soul in recovery.
you that ....yes.....i, like many still get agitated, resentful,
some anger, restless, irritable and discontent.
Life will go one and people, places and things will come
along to ruffles my feathers and try to take away my peace
and serenity. However, not enough, not bad enough for me
to want and drink myself to death.
Which could and would if i ever let go of my recovery
lifelines, my support, faith and all the knowledge
and recovery tools I practice and incorperate in
my daily life on a continuous bases.
There are programs of recovery folks use as a
guideline to helping them remain sober a day
at a time. Mine is AA. This guideline to living a
sober life was taught to me when i entered
recovery via rehab for 28 day.
Back in 1990, i was not aware of all the recovery
support programs that are available today for so
many battling addictions.
As you read around the boards you will find out
how successful some are using what they have learned
or taught to aid in their own recovery success.
When i get agitated and want to drop my favorite
coffee mug or slam microwave doors or closet doors,
i have to remind myself that once it is broken, that
item may not be replaced. Esp. if the coffee mug came
from Mt. Rushmore and motorcycle trip a few yrs
ago. We cant just up and ride a few mile for another
one.
Other things broken or damaged may get replaced
or fixed but at what cost? Do I want to spend money
which maybe tight right now on a damaged microwave
i broke due to my anger issues, or do i stop in my tracks,
pause, take a moment to walk away, calm down, and
emmediately begin to pray...…
I learned several recovery prayers right off the bat when
i was in rehab and memorized them to be able to say them
when and wher ever i was then and wherever I am today.
The Serenity Prayer, 3rd Step Prayer amongst many
I learned from growing up and all the meditation books
ive purchased over the yrs and searched for online.
Why is meditation important in recovery?
Meditation improves your inner peace, self-awareness, mental
functioning, and helps you detach from thoughts and impulses,
which can help reduce cravings and prevent relapse. It lays a
positive effect and reduces the levels of stress and anxiety which is of utmost importance in recovery.
Grab a soothing cup of tea or take a soothing bubble
bath to relax, create you a wonderful place in your
backyard, a little courtyard with a place all to yourself
to sit and mediate or tend to your little flowers or watch
the bird come down to the feeder or perch to sing you
a lovely song.
There are so many ways to let go of anger and build a
strong defense against it for a peaceful mind, body and
soul in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Your tea share made me laugh. We have also recently found a lot of tea in our kitchen, and my wife was checking all the dates. We have been drinking hot tea, iced tea. Even have one with a little bear in pjs on the box. Sleepy Tea. Enjoy, its healthy stuff.
also liked your post on Mindfulness. I started using it several years ago when in therapy. Mostly to help with stress, slowing down my pace and not letting life pass me by, negative emotions (mostly of self).
After hearing people here mention Smart Recovery, .I went to their site to browse. Was pleasantly surprised to see they have a lot to offer in terms of things like Mindfulness. Will link a couple articles I've found interesting. One has a visual of sky/clouds, another the Wise Mind which is about balancing rational thought and emotion. And the other is a bit about self perception and avoiding negative self speak while recovering. Have a cup of tea while you read. 🙃
Mindfulness
Mindfulness 2
Mindfulness 3
also liked your post on Mindfulness. I started using it several years ago when in therapy. Mostly to help with stress, slowing down my pace and not letting life pass me by, negative emotions (mostly of self).
After hearing people here mention Smart Recovery, .I went to their site to browse. Was pleasantly surprised to see they have a lot to offer in terms of things like Mindfulness. Will link a couple articles I've found interesting. One has a visual of sky/clouds, another the Wise Mind which is about balancing rational thought and emotion. And the other is a bit about self perception and avoiding negative self speak while recovering. Have a cup of tea while you read. 🙃
Mindfulness
Mindfulness 2
Mindfulness 3
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
Anger is a human emotion. To recognize when our emotions are out of balance can bring needed space to deal with them in new ways.
I was abused as a child and an adult. The inner-child anger that arises in surprising ways (often internal/self imploding) become easier to identify, allow recognition of and through various ways and allowing acceptance of this, big transformations into feelings of peace, joy and love.
I have a friend who expresses his anger in outbursts. He also has and is learning to deal with these things. We simply express them in some similar ways and some very different ways. Many paths to healing.
I was abused as a child and an adult. The inner-child anger that arises in surprising ways (often internal/self imploding) become easier to identify, allow recognition of and through various ways and allowing acceptance of this, big transformations into feelings of peace, joy and love.
I have a friend who expresses his anger in outbursts. He also has and is learning to deal with these things. We simply express them in some similar ways and some very different ways. Many paths to healing.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I don't know what comes first my anger or my addiction.
I am betting it was my addiction, so that way I have a reason to keep searching for the real me.
I looked for reasons to get pissed on my drive home from work so that way I could drink.
I remember folks looking at me like I was crazy when I would start to get pissed over something. My wonderful wife somehow stuck with me. I sometimes was a total mad man.
These days I am so much better. Night and day. Good bye crazy. Hello normal.
The joy I feel now is stronger than the hell I went through getting this clean.
But, when I come to SR I am reminded about my past. Sort of like a bad dream.
To try and act like nothing happened may work in the real world, but here I remember something happened. That needs to stay compartmentalized, but present.
Otherwise, I am doomed to relapse over and over.
Thanks.
I am betting it was my addiction, so that way I have a reason to keep searching for the real me.
I looked for reasons to get pissed on my drive home from work so that way I could drink.
I remember folks looking at me like I was crazy when I would start to get pissed over something. My wonderful wife somehow stuck with me. I sometimes was a total mad man.
These days I am so much better. Night and day. Good bye crazy. Hello normal.
The joy I feel now is stronger than the hell I went through getting this clean.
But, when I come to SR I am reminded about my past. Sort of like a bad dream.
To try and act like nothing happened may work in the real world, but here I remember something happened. That needs to stay compartmentalized, but present.
Otherwise, I am doomed to relapse over and over.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 125
Re: Mindfulness when angry.
Day 6 done. Couple of busy days with work and kid stuff. Anxiety is lower and I’m trying to stay in the present. Seems to work with regular walks and some overdue chores.<div><br></div><div>I’m feeling hopeful for a change. </div><div><br></div><div>Peace</div>
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