Nic123

ont even know where to start.. maybe i should start from the beginning i suppose. But this will be a longg longg post

With my partner for nearly 10 years, we met young 17 to be exact... we had a great relationship loved each other very much or so i thought? Went on lots of holidays together and basicly were attatched at the hip. My partner drank alot when we were younger. God so i did its what u do when your young or again so i thought.. as we grew and rented our first flst together at 20 everything was still great we then moved to our first house. This is when i started to realise. That hr was STILL taking cocaine... i say still as i knew he done it when he was younger more fool me for thinking it was something he would grow out of... any way... the arguments started him saying it wasnt a problem me saying it was. After 2 years of this back and forth (at this stage i still didnt think it was a problem to the extent it was) i then called it quite told him to pack his bags and he said he could not live with out me.. that night without going into major detail as it still hurts i found him on my stairs he had hung himself. Luckily i got there on time. Ambulance came police came wnd they took him away i sat in a&e for two horrible hours not knowing if he was alive or dead. Aftwr this he told me he didnt mean it it was actually an accident he done it for attention and ne not to leave him??? Tbh how he even managed it where he did i will never know... Fast forward a year and things were good i thought he had realised how bad this was and everything seemed normal...and we have just bought our first home together! Fast forward nearly another year we got engaged my ring was perfect i couldnt have picked it better myself!! But about 5 months maybe 6 later...and the drugs all came to surface again! There had been arguments over his drinking which to me seemed to be increasing to him it wasnt (he worked at 7-3 so was basicly half drunk by the time id come home from work at 6)... so again i said ive had enough. He lived with his mum for 2 weeks or so and i came home.from.work to him oj our step breaking his heart with flowers telling me how much he missed me how he loved me and would do anything for me! I said ok lets try. 2 months or so later. I found out i was pregnant. But it only got WORSE we wentnon holidag when i was 3 months to have our last us time before there was 3 of us! It was nice.. one month agter that here we go again another drug bill for nearl 1000 needs paid! Fab he have a baby on the way... so i told him me and his child or the drink and drugs and guess what? He walked away.. fastfoward 3 months he is living with an older lady who shares the same problems i wasnt to contact he would do weekly "check ins" as i was just an incubator to him ....his words.. so 29 weeks pregnant i then find out baby has stopped growing. I let him know to be told im making it up to hurt him? Yeah thats what im doing jeeez! Anyway he appeared at the hospital (bottle of wine down his jumper i may add) and then i was in for 2 weeks. I let him intonthe labour asni felt like i needed him there i needed to hear his voice! He slept through most of it as he was having withdrawels... anyway baby is here 4.13lbs and it my life just went from hell to more hell. We got bsck together me hoping that our child would maybr make him see the light? Little did i know thid woman was still in th3 background... another horrible 2 months walking in on them together etc u name it anf it was finally just us 3 the way i always wanted it! He moved back in i done my best to forget hr was in such a bad place and blamrd it alll on drink and drugs and again loved me so si much yadda yadda yadda.. 2 years down the line. So many arguments over drink and drugs (all when son wasnt there i made sure of this) yeah i done the usual ultimatums you name it.. we would have some lovely family times then some horrible where r you why are u not home are u still alive times??? God it was horrible but i would have done ANYTHUNG for him i loved him i loved him more than myself. I work i run the house the hasnt paid joint mortgage in 3 1/2 years or providied for his son nothing.. anyway i just kept thinkiny he is still struggling it will get better he will go back to hard working guy i kniw and love bla bla bla. Fastfoward again to now? He hasnt seen his son in 10 weeks we have no contact as guess what? He didnt love me amymore he hadnt loved me for years and guess what again yep found out THE NEXT DAY he is living with another woman again! And it hurt more this time. The pain was unbelieveable but i picked myself up went to a lawyer to deal with the house once and for all. He had never been alone with out son i always supervised hut after abuse threats u name i refuse to do that now and told my lawyer i wanted a contact centre with drink and drug tests! Today i recieve a message from said new girlfriend asking to not ti go to courts he will do anything he is broke without his son bla bla bla... but i went to a lawyer 10 weeks ago???? Why now he then fones me to tell me how healthy he is now how he is the happiest he has ever been and how he will proove me wrong and pass tests with flying colours... oh and wait for this. He wants ME TO TAKE DRUG TESTS and will be telling his lawyer this.

i dont even know why im writint all this on here i just feel like i need to vent i just feel like im never going to get over all of this. Ive not once contacted him im doing it through lawyers but he always finds a way to drag me down and kick me in the teeth! I done everything i could for this guy gave him the world for 10 years and he didnt even have th3 d3cency to ebd our relationship and tell me ge gad met someone else??

please kick some sense into me there were times h3 was reported missing and found sleeping in my shed. My neighbours have seen him 3 weeks ago snooping srounf my house and looking in my windows (i called the police) i just dont know what to do anymore!! I want my son to hav3 a happy alcohol and drug free life and i dont want this to effect him but feel guilty that he hasnt seen his dad??

there are so many more things i could dig up but this was just some of them to get the just of it

nikegoddess112

Nic,

I'm glad you're here and you're posting. These are good, healthy actions to take.

Getting past trauma bonding takes different paths for each of us.

Nic123

I fisrt came accross these forums when i was pregnant they helped me alot back then. But second time round i just cant seem to get out of this horrible hole. So felt the need to get my own account and have a vent!

everytime i pick myself up he does something to just twist the knife! Why did he need to contact me through his new partner after 9 weeks of NC i just dont understand why he needs to rub in that he is happy healthy and sober etc etc it just makes me feel very worthless! After everything he walked away from me! He tried to say we were together 10 years and i cant believe you are doing this to me we should be able to do this without lawyers! That he doesnt remotley care for me as im a person he never thought i was??? WHAT??? just all doesnt make sense to me how can someone love you and move in with someone else in the space of 2 days???

AnvilheadII

how is your child doing?

Nic123

My child is great! So happy and just thrives every single day! To be honest i think his dad has been in and out his life so often with his benders that he hasnt even noticed he is gone? He is only 2 1/2 i just feel so stuck between what is right and wrong? I feel like i have done the right thing to try protect my little boy which is what i will always do. But the thought of a contact centre breaks my heart i never wanted any of this for my little boy! Years ago i thought his dad would be an amazing dad. He is such a stranger and i just dont know him anymore! I think he is just guilt tripping me. I need to stand my ground! Its just so difficult when such an innocent little thing is involved! I always worry he grows up to resent me for not having a "family" or his dad as i dont really see his dad putting much effort in with the fact he hasnt been to his lawyer in 8 weeks once i mentioned drink and drug tests? But claims to be happy healthy and sober... i feel like he is trying ti get me to back out??

trailmix

Hi Nic, glad you decided to make an account and post.

Well you have been through a lot. The thing with children is, it isn't really about him or you or being a "family" it's really just about providing the healthiest situation for the child that you can.

Don't worry about him resenting you later on or blaming you for not having contact or more contact with his father, those are things down the road that you cannot control and putting those thoughts ahead of what is actually best for your Son each day is much more important.

Right now your ex is in some new situation and is probably high on that, but that won't last, you know him, what are the odds of him actually doing what he says he is going to do, ie: stay sober? He's obviously full of resentment for whatever reason, that's not a recipe for success in sobriety.

All that aside, all you can do is keep moving forward, doing the best for yourself and your child and trying your best to keep him safe. The court may not award you custody that you like but all you can do is your best (including drug testing, that is very wise). He wants you drug tested, that actually makes no sense, as you are not an alcoholic, but so be it.

As for his girlfriend contacting you, I hope you have blocked her from all contact, text, phone, social media and the same with your ex, they have nothing to offer you.

Her contacting you at all is out of line, him contacting you and being abusive is out of line, what they have to say, if anything, can be said through your lawyer.

Take good care of yourself, of course.

AnvilheadII

My child is great! So happy and just thrives every single day! To be honest i think his dad has been in and out his life so often with his benders that he hasnt even noticed he is gone? He is only 2 1/2 i just feel so stuck between what is right and wrong?

great, happy, thriving. where in there is there any room for doubt that you ARE doing the right thing??? your child needs you to assure that he continues to be healthy and thriving. he needs one committed, loving parent to make HIS survival paramount over everything else.

you ARE doing the right thing.

California123

Hard thing to deal with for sure, on so many levels. But what is clear to me and likely everyone on here as well as yourself, is that you are much better off without him. That's a hard thing to accept, and with a kid involved even tougher. That will work itself out in time, hopefully he has some sense and can make things as ideal as possible for the kid. That said, it is so hard to let go of all the good times, the attraction, the connection with someone you love. But what I do know for a fact is that there is 100% someone out there, hundreds of people actually, that you can develop those same bonds, good times, and attraction for that will come without all the incredible hardships that are terrible for your mind and body. It may not happen right away, but moving forward knowing that all of that can and will be replaced is a pretty powerful thing. Remaining patient is tough but it will happen. Hang tough-

Nic123

everytime i pick myself up he does something to just twist the knife! Why did he need to contact me through his new partner after 9 weeks of NC i just dont understand why he needs to rub in that he is happy healthy and sober etc etc it just makes me feel very worthless! After everything he walked away from me! He tried to say we were together 10 years and i cant believe you are doing this to me we should be able to do this without lawyers! That he doesnt remotley care for me as im a person he never thought i was??? WHAT??? just all doesnt make sense to me how can someone love you and move in with someone else in the space of 2 days??? Just feel like im always going round in circles wondering where i went wrong and i think its him telling me how happy and healthy and sober he is that is just gut wrenching!

thank you for your replies. I just feel like im not even living my own life but watching some kind of tv series!

trailmix

You know there is something that is said a lot around here - more will be revealed.

There is something off about his girlfriend contacting you, asking you not to take it to court, etc etc. I would guess (and this is just a guess) this has more to do with him ranting and raving around the house about you and your Son than anything to do with him suffering. She would probably just like him to drop it already.

Also you mention he hasn't made house pmts etc, I assume he has no money. You have a lawyer, you know what they cost, I'm sure she would like to not have it go to court for that reason alone.

Don't let them sway you, you need the support of a lawyer here, in my opinion.

So maybe he has quit drinking. Has he ever been sober for any time around you? Most times, when an alcoholic gets sober without some support from AA, rehab a therapist, outpatient, something, they can turn in to the most irritable, unreasonable people (even more so than when they are drinking). They WANT to drink, they feel they need to drink but the also feel they can't. That causes a lot of pain and that anger has to go somewhere!

You get to be the scapegoat here, it's convenient for him. He is obviously not thinking clearly, for whatever reason.

There is something going on over there. Thankfully that's not your problem right now. She gets to listen to him ranting and raving about you, wouldn't that be delightful.

As mentioned, more will be revealed. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is turn your attention back to yourself and making yourself and your child happy, that is all you can control.

Seren

I am sorry that you and your child are going through all this. The only small bit of wisdom that I can add here is that -- just because he says so, doesn't make it true.

I could tell you and everyone I know and you know that your refrigerator is purple with pink stripes. I could keep saying it to any and all who would listen. But...

That doesn't make your fridge purple with pink stripes, does it? No, I didn't think so.

So just because he's saying he's healthy and that he is going to ask the court that you be tested for drug use doesn't mean it will actually happen.

Still, plan for the worst, and hope for the best. Make sure you document everything that happens, evey message you receive, every call, every e-mail: From, Date, Time, etc. Give all of it to your lawyer so that he/she is prepared.

Then...breathe...hug your child! If your community allows, take a walk around your block if it's a nice day there.

Just take this one breath, one moment, one hour, one day at a time

Nic123

Thank you every one, yeah he had some sober days.. but its all that much of s blur that i couldnt even tell you how many in a row maybe a week max? He woukd drink and sometimes would come home.. not always though and more not than he did!..

just wish the pain would hurry up and end. Its strange becauae i would never take him back again if he ever did come back and i want a better life for myself (my son will always have a good life i will make sure of it!) Its just a horrible feeling i cant seem to shift. The thought of them turns my stomach! Doesnt help she comes into my work every single week and i need to see her! Just feels like you couldnt write it!! If only i could just blank it all from my mind!

trailmix

<div><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yes, that would be ideal, some kind of magic wand!</span></div><div><br></div><div>Sadly, it doesn't exist.&nbsp; There are ways to help you move it along though.&nbsp; First and foremost, taking care of yourself, making sure you eat well, sleep and have fun whenever possible.&nbsp; Talk to us, talk to family and anyone else you trust.</div><div><br></div><div>Keep yourself occupied.&nbsp; Also, make a list of every terrible thing he has said and done, so you can remind yourself how you got to be here when those "good times" come to mind (and they will, as you know).</div><div><br></div><div>He is who he is, certainly not a good partner or Father at this point, once you accept that and realize you deserve so much better, you will be more at peace with it.&nbsp; It does take time though.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>

Amaranth

<div>nic123</div><div><br></div><div>i'm sorry you are having such a challenging time. I totally understand when you say you feel like you are living in a TV show. I have felt like that for the last couple of years too.</div><div><br></div><div>I have been waiting for a lot of things - for my husband to get better, for the pain to stop, for the divorce to happen. If you can accept where you are right now and find the joy that exists there and that doesn't depend on any of these things happening, you may feel the pain lessen.</div><div><br></div><div>It will take a long time to work through your situation, physically and emotionally. It won't just "stop".</div><div><br></div><div>I am trying to put the tv show on in the background and focus more on my new life that I am working towards and the things that I enjoy. <br></div><div><br></div><div>It's really important to feel the joy as well as the pain. It's OK to do both.<br></div>

Nic123

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Nic123

Its just so hard. The sad is taking over the joy so much not matter what i do! Ive seen pictures and heard people talk about how healthy he looks and how happy. I just dont understand it was it my fault? I feel like if he was so unhappy with me which made him drink why didnt he leave after his first affair? Why did he have jealous streaks thinking j had met someone else? When infact i i just wasnt being as close to him as i was trying to gaurd my feelings i suppose? Its just all so confusing and most of all hurting!!&nbsp;

nikegoddess112

To set down the why question can be a great gift.
As I make a choice to take one healthy action and then another, I find relief from pain, and joy in life. Al-Anon and abuse recovery centers can help greatly.

trailmix

No, you didn't make him drink, unless you tied him to a chair and forced the drink down him.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics.
I'm sure he did care about you, as much as anyone that is an addict can.Alcohol changes the person physically, with abuse of it, including physical changes to the brain.

Of course you probably pulled away, you had to protect yourself, that is normal. Will his newfound sobriety last?
Is he even really sober or has he just cut down, who knows - time will tell.
In the meantime, he doesn't really sound like a good partner at all?Perhaps this is your chance at freedom and a chance to move forward to a better, less dramatic, less stressful, life?
It will hurt for a while, that's completely normal, that will fade over time as you focus on your life, not his, you will heal and won't always feel so sad.

Nic123

So all is quiet, i have not heard anything since the messages and fone call. I have seen a picture and he has put alot of weight on but its strange he looks swollen.. and tbh he looks like he has lost another tooth! A mutual friend told me he was calling at 5 in the morning two days ago saying they need to get a catch up! So from that im guessing he is still using! But its strange how he has all of a sudden put this weight on! Anyway.. other than that im feeling better in dont even feel the need to look pictures up ( i know i was silly for doing so) but i dont seem as upset now when i do hear or see anything! I do feel though that once this lockdown is over mayhem will start! Its like the calm before the storm i think! Probably helping that ive not seen his new girlfriend in my work in over a week too! That might set me back when i do see her. But time will tell. Maybe i wont even care??
Just a wee update on how things are going. Kind of looking brighter i think.. just hope it stays like that!!

Nic123

Never mind they took it up a step yesterday. She came in to my work again while he stood outside staring in at me serving her whilst laughing. When does it end. Wish i could run away from it all! If im honest i didnt feel hurt i felt anrgy! Very angry! Who does he think he is? Im the mother of his effing child! We built a life together for 10 years!!!!! Honestly wish i vould rub him out of my life