Introduction/where to begin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 26
Introduction/where to begin
Hi. Don’t really know where to begin & the beginning seems too far away. Married 17 years & it’s been about 5 since I discovered my husband was an alcoholic. I guess I’m here for support & to hear I’m not crazy. He’s a really good hider so I’m stuck in an interesting position. Not naive about reality but for the time being I have no intention of leaving. We have 2 children, 12 & 9. I know there’s an argument to be made for my children being able to experience a healthy loving home, but the fact is that I don’t really trust him to parent without me & I don’t have any way to PROVE he’s unfit or drunk regularly - so in a custody situation I can’t imagine him not getting regular time alone with them. Beyond that, I don’t want to take my kids father away from them for the times he is engaged & loving with them. So here I am, knowing I can’t really fix my marriage, but knowing I'm choosing to stay until my kids are old enough to spend time with him on their own terms. & Coronavirus is the icing on the cake. For now I’m praying he keeps the vodka for the late nights like he’s been doing so we can sleep through the worst of it.
Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks for letting me share.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, sorry for your situation. Of course you're not crazy, but what made you think you were? Has he implied you're imagining everything and he's really a sober citizen?
If you choose to stay, say another 8 years, you're probably going to need support for yourself as living in a loveless marriage with an A is not an easy path and it will wear you down. Al-anon is for the family and friends of As and has been a life-saver for many people on this forum.
You don't say whether you work or not. I suggest you start preparing for an exit at a time of your own choosing, remembering that alcoholism is usually progressing and can go from bearable to 'get out now' very quickly.
Preparation would be getting a fund of your own together, quietly. You might want to seek some legal advice about where you'd stand. Put together copies of important documents. Keep a diary of anything relevant - credit card statements (if that's where be buys it), the fact that he was passed out on x date, photos, hiding places etc.
None of the above means you leave before you want to, but will be useful if you need to.
I hope it's been helpful for you to post here, and I know you'll get some useful feedback from others. Good luck.
If you choose to stay, say another 8 years, you're probably going to need support for yourself as living in a loveless marriage with an A is not an easy path and it will wear you down. Al-anon is for the family and friends of As and has been a life-saver for many people on this forum.
You don't say whether you work or not. I suggest you start preparing for an exit at a time of your own choosing, remembering that alcoholism is usually progressing and can go from bearable to 'get out now' very quickly.
Preparation would be getting a fund of your own together, quietly. You might want to seek some legal advice about where you'd stand. Put together copies of important documents. Keep a diary of anything relevant - credit card statements (if that's where be buys it), the fact that he was passed out on x date, photos, hiding places etc.
None of the above means you leave before you want to, but will be useful if you need to.
I hope it's been helpful for you to post here, and I know you'll get some useful feedback from others. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Taco. My ex was a world-class hider too, and I understand how you question your sanity, wonder if you're exaggerating or making it up, and in general doubt your perception of the situation.
Two words for you, my friend: BELIEVE YOURSELF. I'm nearly 5 years divorced now, and I've learned that virtually everything I ever suspected was in fact true, plus many other things that never even occurred to me at the time.
Alanon and SR were a powerful combo for me, and I'd recommend the same for you. Unfortunately, I don't know that you can find an in-person Alanon meeting right now, but if you can at least get a start through a phone or online meeting, that's something. Reading Alanon literature can help a lot too. I've found Amazon to be the best source for used (and therefore more affordable) Alanon books.
FG's advice about preparing for a worst-case scenario is excellent. As is often said here, ALL alcoholics are functional--until they AREN'T. And many times, it's not a slow and gradual descent; it's like dropping off a cliff w/no warning. Just knowing that I had a plan in place and resources to allow me to get along when/if it became necessary to end things brought me some peace.
Hope you continue to visit SR. There is a fraction of the usual traffic here since the coronavirus outbreak, but if you use this time to read the years and years of stories, experience and advice posted here, including the "stickies" at the top of the page, soon enough I hope we'll be back to normal w/a steady flow of new postings for you to read and participate in.
Two words for you, my friend: BELIEVE YOURSELF. I'm nearly 5 years divorced now, and I've learned that virtually everything I ever suspected was in fact true, plus many other things that never even occurred to me at the time.
Alanon and SR were a powerful combo for me, and I'd recommend the same for you. Unfortunately, I don't know that you can find an in-person Alanon meeting right now, but if you can at least get a start through a phone or online meeting, that's something. Reading Alanon literature can help a lot too. I've found Amazon to be the best source for used (and therefore more affordable) Alanon books.
FG's advice about preparing for a worst-case scenario is excellent. As is often said here, ALL alcoholics are functional--until they AREN'T. And many times, it's not a slow and gradual descent; it's like dropping off a cliff w/no warning. Just knowing that I had a plan in place and resources to allow me to get along when/if it became necessary to end things brought me some peace.
Hope you continue to visit SR. There is a fraction of the usual traffic here since the coronavirus outbreak, but if you use this time to read the years and years of stories, experience and advice posted here, including the "stickies" at the top of the page, soon enough I hope we'll be back to normal w/a steady flow of new postings for you to read and participate in.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Welcome Taco, I'm sorry what brings you here but I think you will be happy you found SR, I have received so much support and wisdom from this forum. I am in a similar scenario but it's been much longer, my kids are teens and I am just not ready to leave yet. I know the struggle and can assure you you are not crazy, this is certainly not what we thought our family life would be like when we walked down that aisle. Hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 26
Thank you for the support! Trying to respond to some questions - no, not currently working. That’s definitely one of the complicated issues - we relocated about 2K miles about 3 years ago & I was working before the move. But I was working evenings & weekends & I’m sure you can imagine those are the worst times to put A’s in charge of childcare. If I work at this point it’s a priority for me that my hours are limited to when kids are in school. But I definitely hear the advice about emergency plans - he’s HF now but a few years back things were awful & I know how tenuous & fickle “high functioning” can be.
I battle constantly with myself - check the usual hiding spots for evidence & search for new hiding spots so I know for sure what’s going on or let it go & assume that he’s always drinking & those 2 beers are never just 2 beers.
I think something that I heard that really stuck with me was the idea that if you can’t deal with your alcoholic spouse, how can you expect your children to by themselves?
I battle constantly with myself - check the usual hiding spots for evidence & search for new hiding spots so I know for sure what’s going on or let it go & assume that he’s always drinking & those 2 beers are never just 2 beers.
I think something that I heard that really stuck with me was the idea that if you can’t deal with your alcoholic spouse, how can you expect your children to by themselves?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Nd819 
Welcome Taco, I'm sorry what brings you here but I think you will be happy you found SR, I have received so much support and wisdom from this forum. I am in a similar scenario but it's been much longer, my kids are teens and I am just not ready to leave yet. I know the struggle and can assure you you are not crazy, this is certainly not what we thought our family life would be like when we walked down that aisle. Hugs to you.
OMG YES. I get so angry sometimes - I was so careful & considered everything before I decided to get married & I just never thought this would be my life.
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