Hopeful2

My SIL is the A in my life. She showed up Thanksgiving evening with her two dogs and we agreed to help her get back on her feet. She's not drinking, but one of the dogs is really old and has obviously now become incontinent. The first time it eliminated inappropriately in the house, I told her she would have to watch the dog at all times or confine it in the kitchen (linoleum is easier to clean than carpet!). Well, this morning the dog left a huge mess in front of the TV set. I spotted it as I was on my way out to go to work -- I showed it to her and told her that I absolutely couldn't tolerate this, and that I was no longer asking her to confine the dog, I was telling her. I also suggested that it was time for the dog to be euthanized (it's blind, mostly deaf, and doesn't appear to know where it is or what it's doing, plus the incontinence issue). She seemed to agree. My husband, who works at home, just told me he yelled at her all morning about this and also told her the dog would have to go, we weren't going to tolerate the messes. He then told me that she has been taking off 3-4 times a day, for several hours at a time, and isn't showing much incentive to find work. His former employer is willing to hire her, at least part time, but SIL keeps claiming she can't reach the guy. My H is asking me to come down on her tonight about getting a job and the dog thing. He says she's acting like she's on a vacation, and I don't see it because I'm at work all day. I said I would speak to her, but that he was going to have to at least try to control his temper, and not yell at her every time he gets upset (he tends to be hyper) or she would leave and all the A crap would start all over again. He said he's so stressed out right now between his workload and her dog (and her presence) that he's having trouble controlling his yelling.

Do I nag SIL to show more urgency in her job search? Do I start setting deadlines? She has an appointment at the VA on Friday, to get into counseling, which I encouraged her to do, and I don't want to jeopardize her recovery, but my H and I are only human. Neither of us has had much of an appetite and we're both frazzled from just everything!

Lorelai

(((Hopeful)))
Sounds like you have your hands full !

I think that one important thing to remember is that whether your SIL stays in recovery or not will not be determined by anything you do or don't do. She will start drinking again if she decides to do so. If she is truly dedicated to her recovery, nothing you say or do is going to throw her off track. If she's not dedicated, anything you say or do will be her excuse to drink.

In my experience, nagging never got me anywhere. If I were you, I would sit down with my husband, decide what is required for her to stay in your home and a reasonable time frame for that to be accomplished, present it to her and then follow through on the consequences.

You are not doing her any favors by sheltering her from her responsibilites. She's a grown woman and in charge of her life.
Hugs - L

gelfling

Oh jeez, you were right. You're going to have to play the heavy. Not fair!!!

Ask your husband to sit with you when you talk to her. You'll have his support and she'll know you really mean business if the two of you confront her.

It's good she's going to the VA, but she was also supposed to be getting a job. Ask her if she wants you or her brother to have the guy call her about the job. That will light a fire under her because there's no way she can make excuses that she can't reach him.

And it is time for the pup to go. Letting the poor critter live the way he is, is wrong and cruel. There's no quality of life for him and no enjoyment for anyone else because of his illnesses. Offer to driver her to wherever you need to go to have him euthanized. It's your home and y'all worked hard for what you have. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

While a person is going through recovery, they can't stop living and need to learn to accept responsibility that comes with life. Like a job, cleaning, cooking, washing, etc. And seeking help for her recovery. My son used the disease as an excuse for a lot of stuff and we thought we shouldn't push him but our therapist told us to just ignore him and let him live in his filth and find out what it's like to be hungry. Of course, you can't do that because it's your home, but like Lorelai said, set boundaries and a time frame in which things must be accomplished. Or else...

My husband is just like yours in that he wants me to do the dirty work. I did it for years with his dad, but the last time the old man pooped himself and messed up the bathroom, I told him that it was his dad and I wasn't into cleaning up after someone who does this stuff on purpose. He got the message and started taking charge of his dad. What a relief.

Good luck, Kathy

Hopeful2

Thanks, Lorelei and Kathy! I definitely feel like I'm doing a juggling act, LOL... Yeah, she has to start to live a normal life again, and that means working and being responsible. She cooked over the weekend, but nothing since. Thanks for pointing out the importance of her commitment to her own recovery - right on. And apparently my H and I had different ideas of how long she would be staying. When we said "a couple of months" I meant two months, she needs her own place by 2/1/05. My H told me this morning that he figured she'd need to stay until the middle of March. Yeesh. Honestly, and I hate to admit this, but I don't really like the woman. She's a liar and a cheat, and she was like that before the drinking became a problem. She resented my presence in her brother's life, and never did much to make me feel welcome in the family (I actually let her know this the first night she was here.)

I tell you, this board is a great place for people like us - I literally don't know what I'd do without you all!

Hopeful2

H just emailed me to say that SIL was home, cooking, and making job calls. He said she said that the dog was just "sick" and not used to her environment, and is better today. I just replied to him that sorry, the "sick" dog has to go, one way or another. I simply cannot and will not have this in my house! I can't believe he's buying her story that the dog was just "sick." "Sick" dogs throw up and have diaherrea - this dog deliberately takes a squat whereever and whenever it feels like it! Isn't there a difference between a "sick" dog and one who's just plain old incontinent??

smoke gets in my eyes

Disoriented and ill animals often soil indiscreetly. I hope your SIL is able to find other housing.

jojo

Smoke is right. Often a dog in a new environment is nervous and that can lead to accidents or even diarrhea and vomiting. Why not give the poor animal a chance instead of insisting that she have it put to sleep. That dog may be a huge comfort to the woman. Maybe it is time to have it put down but why not help her to that decision in a more gentle way. Are you sure that you aren't taking out your feelings for the SIL on the poor animal? Dogs don't deliberately take "squats wherever they like" without reason. Maybe it would be best to ask her to make other living arrangements instead of adding to your stress level as well as hers.

Jo

Hopeful2

ASIL actually said she was going to put a pillow over the dog's head, so I'm not the one who introduced the idea of euthanasia, believe me. When the improper elimination issue problem first became apparent several days ago, I asked her to please keep on eye on her 14-year old blind, deaf dog at all times, and, if she had to leave, to confine her to the kitchen. ASIL was letting her wander around the house aimlessly, bumping into things, and often getting stepped on because you wouldn't realize the dog was there underfoot. When I came home last night, the dog was wandering around aimlessly downstairs (on the carpet) yet again. If ASIL won't respect my boundaries, she will have to make other arrangements. Unfortunately, she really has no place else to go, she's burned a lot of bridges.

She finally put the dog in her room on her bed, where she slept for the most part. This morning, ASIL was on the computer working on her resume, and appeared to want to put yesterday behind her, so I acted in kind. I'm really trying to be patient, but I'm no saint, that's for sure.

Magichappens

We had a sober alcoholic living with us. He was "renting" a room so that he could get on his feet. He wasn't doing anything to put aside money, or get a new start. That was his choice. But we had to set a deadline. For our own serenity, we let him know that he needed to find a new place. It was his choice to do what he did. We did what we could to help. He had plenty of time, which he did what he wanted to with.

When the time came for him to move, he wasn't in a better place. That was his responsibility, not ours. People choose what they do, and the results are theirs. It wasn't easy to ask him to move out, but we deserve to have peace in our home, and it's not our job to support someone else indefinitely.

Some people won't help themself. There is nothing I can do to make them see that they need to. That is the way life works. Getting into a situation like that, we had to be prepared for that outcome. We hoped he would take the help, and use the time to better his situation. But if he chose not to, we shouldn't have to pay for that choice. He is an adult. Adults choose and then have to take responsibility for their choices. Hugs, Magic

Hopeful2

(Sigh) Your're right, Magic. My H and I have to agree on the timeframe for her staying with us. Maybe we should have more than one: for instance, if she gets a job within X days/weeks she can stay until a certain date, which would be a little flexible as she would be working and saving $ to move out, and she may need a bit more time to get a security deposit together or whatever. If she makes only nominal effort to secure work, it's sort of easy -- short time frame, this is no vacation. But, if she makes a lot of effort towards the job search and still can't find one, that's a bit harder.

Of course, all of the above is contingent on making arrangements for the elderly dog. ASIL can't work and leave the dog home alone all day, and it's not fair to my husband, who works from a home office, to have to deal with the dog either. I guess that's one of the things H and I are both having trouble getting through to her -- the fact that she has two dogs with a lot of needs is going to make it hard for her to live on her own and work a normal job. I know she loves her dogs and all, but she's got to face reality that she can't go everywhere with a canine entourage and that she has to earn a living for herself. I just don't know.

Magichappens

It's her dog. She chose to have a dog. She is responsible. All you can do is decide how much you can take before you are paying a price you can't live with. It's not an easy decision when you care about the person ( and the animal) but we have to take care of ourself first. Hugs, Magic

Hopeful2

My H just called. ASIL just won't follow the house rules. She left the house for a doctor's appointment at the VA, but didn't tell H she was leaving and left the old dog wandering downstairs. He found another huge mess of doggy diaherrea in front of the TV. When she finally called him from the VA to say she was going to be delayed, he gave her hell and 24 hours to either make other arrangments for the elderly dog, or she to leave the house. She has an option of taking the dog to her mother's, but my H told me she said she is going to go. But to where? She is compromising her own recovery because of a dog!

Am I right in thinking that she's not very committed to her recovery? In my heart I feel that is the case. My husband cried three times today over her. She's burned so many bridges and has no place to go, and part of me is almost relieved that she will be gone, but the other part of me wonders how is the family going to survive the inevitable days and nights coming of drunken, crying phone calls begging for money, not knowing where she is again? This is so hard.

gelfling

Neither of you should feel guilt over what's happening. The burden of taking care of her shouldn't fall on you either.

I think it's great that the two of you are handling this. I'm also so sad that your SIL is taking this so lightly.

You'll get through this.

Blessings, Kathy

Hopeful2

Thanks for your kind words, Kathy. I'm kind of nervous because I'm getting ready to leave work, and have no idea what I'm going home to.

I do know that wanting her recovery more than she does sure won't make it happen. The decision is hers and after all, it is her life. Sigh. Life goes on.