FaithChaser

Okay, I'm just going to put this out there in hopes that someone else may be able to offer me some imput. I'm very new to this whole concept of codependency but very experienced at being one! Anyway, I'm pretty sure that ignoring what is going on is part of my sickness, but in all of this ignorance, me and my AH have gotten ourselves into some real trouble financially and are in the process now of filing a bankruptcy. We still pretend as if this is not a reality, and his way of coping has obviously been to abuse his alcohol or whatever else it is he does. My way has been to avoid him and try to make plans for my future in my mind, watch LOTS of movies, mope around and be depressed, and sleep way too much. Okay at least I found this. I am finding that dealing with doing the paperwork needed is next to impossible. I get angry and frustrated in the loss of what in my mind was my life. It is embarrassing and I cannot imagine going through with this. Hiding is so much easier but I know it will not help me to get on with my life and making it into what I want it to be. Anyone out there know what this is like? I need to get real and i'm not so sure how to go about it.

Thanks!!!!!

Lorelai

Faith -
I don't know anything about filing bankruptcy but I definitely know what it's like to live with an A and pretend like everything is OK.

I just want to welcome you to SR. There are fabulous people here who can relate to what you are going through.

There is a way to get your life back - whether he quits drinking or not. Stick around and read and post. This place was a lifesaver for me.
L

rivercitybelle

Faith...
Hang in there. I'm guessing that things are way beyond credit counseling help. Bankruptcy, though not a pleasant choice is not the end of the world. It does stop the phone calls from creditors, it stops the lawsuits from most creditors. Yes, it can stay on your credit record for 10 years. You will eventually be able to finance things as you build your credit back up. Yes, for a while you will pay higher interest rates and be asked to make larger down payments on things.
Life does go on.
Your A will change when he is ready to and not one minute before. There is nothing you can do to make this change come any sooner.
You need to work on you... take care of you and be nice to yourself. Al-anon meetings can give you face to face support for you. The boards here can give you understanding and support and help you to realize you are not alone.
Take care of you!!!

JennyK

I am in the exact same situation. In just the past few days I have started to make my mental lists of things that I can and can not control. Then I look at the things that I CAN do something about and either take care of it that moment or make a list of what help I need to get it done. There is a list of things that my husband has to be the one to take care of. I just left it on his desk. At least he did not tear it up yet.

One step at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time...that is how I am doing it. And the reality is that you still have a life and you still need to live it...even with the unchangeable looming over your head. Don't forget to enjoy a few moments in there as well.

I soooo feel your pain. Tons of ((((hugs))) to you.

Jenny

FaithChaser

Wow thanks so much for all your comments, and yes al-anon is something I soon shall check out for the second time. To not feel so alone in this is a huge help. Thanks for the suggestions, I shall take them!

It's just so overwhelming but to know others have survived and are surviving this, gives me hope...sigh...moving forward, hard to believe I'm not in control, darn...

bellgirl93

Hey Faithchaser, I feel for you. I am with you in almost the same circumstances...looking at bankruptcy and being the only one dealing with it. My A is my husband who "has the life of Riley". Hang in there girl...we as women are strong creatures and remember we can all get through this "together".(((((hugs))))))

bottleblonde

oh yeah....we saw a bankruptcy lawyer yesterday and got all the numbers. It's horribly embarrassing to me to be in this mess, but it makes me really angry that it's my AH's fault we're in it. The whole time we were sitting in that office all I could think was how this was all his fault. BUT I am so proud of myself because I told him that part of our money trouble is this brand new car he bought recently on impulse w/o my input, and that it should be given back! Afterall, why should I have to give up MY car when it's his fault? He agrees, coinicidentally, so it will go (teeheehee)

Anyway, try to keep your chin up and know that you're not alone (sounds like a cliche, but it's true!) Bankruptcy isn't the end of the world...you can always get "stuff" again : )

Rose56

Faith,
I have not filed for bankruptcy but I am always worried about the money and when it will all run out. My husband has been out of work for years and I am angry at him for that. On the flip side I know that I could reduce our expenses somewhat and reduce my spending somewhat but so far I have been unwilling to do that. So we struggle. Please hang in there and make a list of actions that must be taken, try to make a schedule of what you will do each day. One day at a time. I am with ou and understand the anger, embarrassment and sadness.

ellima01

Gosh do I understand!! I went through a bankruptcy Jan04 and my AH has been unemployed since March 04- I am paying all the bills (because they have to BE paid) on my salary- which is digging us right back in a hole.
My AH is the moping, depressed negative one- I always try SOOO hard to be upbeat. I do get very angery though- I am sorry for what you are going through.

cwohio

faith - this thread made me realize that....

"today i am grateful that i have not had money problems like many of those who post here."

thank you for snapping me back to reality.

hugs and support to you in your trying time ahead, but keep posting and know that you have many folks here on this board that will always be here for you!

hugs - cwohio

nutz

I havn't file for bankuptcy becuase we hardly have
anything anymore.
I managed to save a little bit of money, but she found out
about it. It's an issue that comes up often ,now.
Me hiding stuff from her. Yet $1 is too many and $1000 is
not enough to feed her addiction. The shuffling game.
I end up paying for everything becuase of shut off notices
and the amount is great becuase of the over due bills.
When it gets to that point, I have to pay.
It pisses me off, but I have an anger problem, you see....

Just this week, she went thur my stuff looking for money
when I was at work. She didn't even bother putting things
back in it's place and just left a mess. I guess it was wrong
of me to try to put my money in a safe place.lol
I'm wrong for hinding my money from her, you see......

I finally put everything under my name and keeping up
with it. Bassically I'm not expecting her to make any type
of contributions. It's simpler this way. I don't get angery as much.lol
Thank god my automobile is paid for.

I'm refusing to make her auto payments , which is
behind, behind,behind. If it gets repo, it gets repo.
Yes, the money I've saved would bail her out of her
current troubles. She says that I don't love her ...you see.
That messes with me emotionally from time to time.
She even threaten to leave again last night becuase she's tire of just
surviving. She makes just as much money as I do.
Wonder where it all went. I don't see new jewerly or clothe.
sh!!!!!!!!!! it's a secret.
I had to give her gas money again this morning.
I put gas in her car earlier this week. I wonder where it went?

On a possitive note; she is seeing a counselor.
I think the sessions is still in " He's a *****" part.lol