Damaged2

I first played with the realization that my husband is a (high-functioning) alcoholic back in 2014. People say that once you learn something you can't unlearn it. Ha! Those people have never met my brain! I found some comfort in this forum back then so I'm trying again. This time around it's sunk in a little more.

For some time now I've been fantasizing about leaving him. I dream of a sweet little apartment that I can decorate how I want, and that I'll keep nice and clean. The sun will be shining in the windows, I'll play the music I like, and everything will remain lovely and predictable.

But I've actually decided --- at least for now --- that I'm not going to leave him. Because...for a lot of reasons. I love him very, very much, and when things are good, they are really, really good. We've been together for almost 29 years; we've basically grown up together. All my memories involve him. We have two (young adult) children who would be devastated if we broke up. One of them is an addict himself (heroin/meth) and he's actually on a good path right now so destabilizing him is unthinkable.

People who don't know what it's like to love an alcoholic (or addict) will no doubt think I'm crazy/weak/enabling/scared. But I imagine that some of you reading this will surely understand.

I'm not leaving him, but here is what I am doing: I found a group called SMART Recovery and I plan to attend a meeting for friends & family. I've tried Alanon (for my son) and that was helpful, until it wasn't. Although I have a strong faith, "let go and let God" doesn't quite resonate for me. So I'm trying SMART. I ordered their handbook. We are in couples counseling (have been for 6 months). We'll continue that.

I should note that he is the one who always first brings up the fact that he might have a "problem" with drinking. Normally, I let him take the lead, and I follow whatever he decides --- to drink or not to drink. But sure enough, he fits about every single red flag except he doesn't black out and he doesn't hide it. But this time around is (finally) different. I said out loud to him yesterday for the first time ever that he's an alcoholic. Funny thing, now that I'm on board with this "diagnosis", he has done a 180 and says he doesn't want to "hang his hat" on alcohol being an issue in our marriage. But of course it is, and always will be. So I'm going to focus on what I can do to remain in the relationship in a healthy and positive way.

I still don't know what I don't know (about this whole journey), but I think what I need to focus on most right now is:

**How to manage his Jekyll/Hyde personality**

We are in a cycle of having fights/discussions/difficult conversations, working things out, coming to some good conclusions, making promises (his). Then I feel good and close to him and I get complacent and I go about life feeling pretty content, and then when I am the most unsuspecting, he becomes cold and distant and starts "attacking" me (verbally). He finds fault in everything about me, but he has some definite themes; his favorites are that I don't help enough with home maintenance and that I'm too introverted. And he usually says he drinks because he's lonely and he can't image a future with me. He basically puts all the blame on me for how he feels, and for our rocky relationship.

So besides allowing me to vent all this out (thank you!), I'm asking for people to weigh in if they have experience with this --- with your alcoholic/addict being so very good and present and connected one minute, and then like a switch being thrown, becoming cold and distant. And if so, what do you do to not go insane, to not buy into his/her moods, to not get triggered, etc?

Please and thank you!!

trailmix

That is a lot to contend with.

The bottom line? You can't have both. You can't have a contented, going about your life like this relationship is "normal" and then being blindsided by his erratic behaviour.

It just doesn't work that way.

If your expectation (and this is mostly about expectations) is that he will be the good guy you know, you will be repeatedly hurt. If your expectation is that sometimes he will be a great guy and sometimes he will be distant, critical and mean, then you won't be let down.

So how do you do that without becoming so guarded and distant that this relationship won't function? It's pretty damn hard if not impossible.

Think of it this way. What if your Husband, just periodically, slapped you on the side of the head, randomly. You are either going to learn how to duck really fast or you are going to be apprehensive and on edge a lot, waiting for the slap.

This is no different. Abuse is abuse. You are too introverted he says. Ok, he may not appreciate that part of your personality, is that your problem? No. That's his issue, nothing to do with you. You don't do enough maintenance around the house, what is enough??

If you suddenly became extroverted and wore a tool/cleaning supplies belt and became Ms. Fixit, he would just find something new.

Why?

Because it has nothing to do with you. Those are his "things", this is how he vents his anger/frustration/lack of a drink/uncontrolled anger.

That's the issue. He either fixes it or you learn to ignore it. The danger being if you are going to detach you will probably keep on detaching because it is so much safer emotionally there.

He can't change you in to an extrovert and you will never change him, so you either accept it or you detach.

The "let go and let god" doesn't work for you because you are trying to control this. You can't, you can't control another person - in fact why would you want to? You say you love him very much. Well, this is part of him.

B1ueEyes

Damaged2

Ugh. Trailmix - that was rough. But I can't fault anything you said. I'm going to digest it a little more and reflect on your words. Thank you for your honesty.

ErinGoBragh

I detached. And the more I detached, the less I wanted to live with him. I just got tired of the sudden, out-of-left-field tirades. Or the not-speaking-to-me "silent treatment."

I felt I deserved more from a husband than what I got. After tolerating his alcoholic behavior(s) for almost six years, I left. I found life to be far more tranquil and I was much happier. However, that's just my opinion as to what worked for me.

AnvilheadII

does any of this sound familiar?

Tension-building phase
This is where the cycle begins. Despite all relationships having their share of conflict, conflicts in an abusive relationship are never resolved. This is because one of the things abusers never do is admit any wrong.
As conflicts arise in the relationship but they are not resolved, several things happen. These include the abuser acting in passive-aggressive behavior. This is one of the ways the victim gets confused because the communication channels are essentially closed.
As the tension builds up, communication from the abuser becomes poor. This makes the problem more vague and unclear. You are neither able to pinpoint the problem nor its cause, even though you’re experiencing its effects.
This presents you with a very problematic situation. Since as a victim you are most likely passive, you lack the confidence to address the situation. You therefore get stressed on the inside and it comes out through your actions.
You become clumsy as you go about your daily activities and are likely to do things wrongly. This is exactly what the abuser is waiting for. As you will come to know later, this is one of the ways the abuser sets the stage for abusive behavior.
You also become fearful and start actively avoiding things which might trigger violence or other unwanted actions from the abuser. Quite literally, you start walking on eggshells.
Although in every relationship people avoid the things which they know their partners don’t like, for you it is not out of love but fear. This fear largely contributes to your inability to make sound decisions, leading to wrong actions.

Incident phase
The tension that has built up will soon enough give way to an incident of abuse. This is where the abuser acts out his anger.
Depending on the abuser and how far the relationship has come, this incident may vary.
It may be as “small” as a verbal attack or as big as physical violence. In most cases, physical abuse comes way later into the relationship, when the abuser has developed control over you and is assured of your compliance and inability to leave.
If at the infant stages of the relationship, what may come from the abuser is likely to be harsh criticisms of you. Outbursts of anger, arguing and yelling might also occur. The whole purpose of this is to put you down and reduce your self-esteem. This is important for the abuser so as to gain control over you.
Another common incident to occur at this stage is blaming you for all the wrongs in the relationship. Even his reactions. Although abusers rarely admit wrongdoing, in the event that they do, then they won’t take responsibility for it. They will instead put the blame on you.
They will always justify their actions by pointing out what you did. If you try having a rational discussion to resolve conflicts with an abuser, he will do everything to scuttle the process. Abusers cannot reason logically. This is mainly out of training themselves to hide their hurts.
Intimidation is also a part of the incident phase. An abuser will intimidate you to show that he is right while you are wrong. Through out the relationship, it will always be about him being right.
In the minds of abusers, everything is usually about gaining control. If they don’t have control, then nothing will run smoothly. Unfortunately, no amount of control satisfies them, not to mention that their control is always exercised through hurting others.

Reconciliation phase
The reconciliation phase comes after an abusive incident because the abuser is now afraid of the consequences of his actions against you.
In most cases, the abuser will be afraid that you might leave. To avoid that, they will show remorse, which might be real or fake, just to convince you not to leave.
Both the abuser and the victim have character traits that make this phase work just as the abuser intends. Although you are likely to accept his apology, it is often just another part of the game. For the abuser, it is all power play.
Abusers happen to have great convincing power. This is however not the kind that works in great salesmen but one that is driven by their desperate need to control others. It is only when they have complete control over everyone around them that they can get satisfaction.
The abuser will tell you that he is sorry for what he did and that the incident will never occur again. If he acknowledges his wrong behavior, he will most likely deny its magnitude. He will downplay the effects of his actions or the harm he has caused you.
Something else likely to happen in this stage is making excuses for his behavior. An abuser will always have an excuse as to why he did what he did. And a part of that is the blame-shifting that he does. His actions are always a valid response to your own actions.
On your part as the victim, the reason this stage succeeds and leads to the next one is your gullibility. Lacking in knowledge about abuse simply makes you vulnerable. You have witnessed wrong treatment and cruel attacks but are unable to pinpoint it as abuse.
Something else, it is likely that you have low self-esteem. This mostly comes from your upbringing and the effects of your past life prior to getting involved with the abuser. This is how you first of all fell into his trap because abusers rarely abuse confident people.
People with low self-esteem are always, even unconsciously, seeking approval more than the confident person. This makes the victim open to making sacrifices to please other people in an effort to gain their approval. This openness to making great sacrifices is what abusers look for as they “hunt” for victims.
All the same, not everyone who is open to making sacrifices can be abused. There are those who can make sacrifices though they have a firm stand in regards to the extent of it.
Although such people will initially accommodate the abuser because he posed as one who needed help, they will soon confront them on some aspects which will leave the abuser sensing exposure. At this, the abuser will naturally flee.
At the same time, it is important to realize that the manipulation carried out by abusers is not easy to detect. Unless you are knowledgeable about abusive tactics and are on the lookout for them, you can fall victim.

Calm phase
This is the last phase of the abuse cycle and is very closely tied to the reconciliation phase. It is also sometimes referred to as the honeymoon phase. This is due to the actions of the abuser at this stage. He simply goes back to the charming ways he began with.
As the name indicates, this phase is characterized by calm and peaceful times in the relationship. As such, you are assured that the abusive incident will never happen again—just as the abuser promises.
However, the calm is not all there is at this stage. This phase is really like a honeymoon moment for you. In an effort to erase the memories of abuse from your mind, the abuser may go to considerable lengths to paint an impressive picture of himself.
Since he knows you quite well, he will seek to do the things he knows will make you happy. He will put in the efforts to show you that he is loving and caring.

Two things will be happening to you at this stage:

Enjoying the calm – you are pleased by the turn of events and start holding onto the relationship not wanting it to fall apart. This will be a sign for him that all is well. Most, if not all abuse victims are usually very hopeful that things will turn out well. Remember that in their hearts, they are people who are willing to help and sacrifice. You cannot help if you’re not hopeful that things will be better. The efforts by the abuser thus pay off and they gain the trust of the victim—again. Unfortunately, this is just in readiness for the next abuse incident.

Self-blaming – as you enjoy the calm and loving environment, you are at the same time internalizing what happened before the calm. At the very beginning, you believed that the abuser was a good person. Then with the abuse, he constantly criticized you and blamed you for his actions. With time, you have believed his criticisms. So you now start thinking that it’s possible you’re the one who causes the abuser to behave the way he does.
And because you don’t want the incidents to repeat again, you start “giving back” by doing what the abuser likes while avoiding what he doesn’t like. What is happening is that you are adapting while the abuser is becoming used to getting away with it.


Why the abuse may not stop
You may think that adapting to the likes of the abuser will stop the abuse.
Not so fast. Actually, you may just be fueling it.
Being a relationship setup, conflicts will always arise. Every conflict brings in fears for the abuser that he might lose control of the situation.
To safeguard his control, which is the source of his confidence and satisfaction, he has to solidify his rule. He has to ensure that he is fully respected (actually feared).
This can only be achieved through more incidents of abuse because according to the abuser, that is the only way of going about issues.

qtpi

I should probably read everyone's replies completely because they are all good. I was in the same marriage you are in- for 33 years- and i wish someone had said to me- Girl - what are you doing? and I had really thought about it after that. But I was in denial. He was Jekyll and Hyde - and a high functioning alcoholic, and sometimes really nice and then he would snap on me. Example- Him" would you like to see Better call saul?"(one of my favorite shows- which i swear he would put off seeing it with me because it was my favorite show at the time and he would get angry if i watched the taped show without him so I had to wait until he was good and ready!) so him, "Would you like to watch Better call Saul?" Me; "Yes!" Him, "well we don't have to watch it of you don't to!" Me:" I just said I wanted to watch it." Him: "Well you are not acting excited about it."
That was the kind of nonsense I lived with and that was not the worst of it by far. But he pointed out things he didn't like and was a baby tyrant. I think they get this way either when they are drunk or in withdrawal- so that's pretty much anytime. But I used to fantasize about getting my own home, and sometimes I had trouble falling asleep so I would imagine myself moving out, and I would get peaceful and could sleep.
I finally moved out in may of 2016 so its been 4 years. At first he was rageful. I really just wanted a break to think, but the way he treated me convinced me I had done the best thing for me. Then he acted nice, then sad, but most of the time throughout the divorce- full of rage and vindictiveness- how dare I want to leave him- he was going to get revenge- he made the divorce contentious and turned my grown children against me. My daughter and I get along well now, but my son won't have anything to do with me. Maybe he will in time.
Anyway I have a beautiful safe home now, bought a new car, retired, went to Europe, travelled across the country 3 times, took up fencing, dated - but haven't found anyone yet, played in concert and jazz bands. I have lots of friends and good neighbors. Last year I was unexpectedly hospitalized 3 times and had to have a serious operation. Who drove me to the ER, were there for me, helped me? MY true friends and one loving sister. I know XAH would not have been there for me. One of the biggest things that shook me to my core was I was having chest pain and vomitting in February 2016 and he refused to take me to an ER. We were with another couple when this happened and he said, just go upstairs and take 2 tums. The other couple called an ambulance for me. I am almost glad it happened, because it finally made me see- he only loved alcohol, not me. Well this is long and winding, but my life is so much better. I have freedom, love , people I can count on, and I don't have to put up with anyone criticizing, belittling, and controlling me. And a nice safe home, too!

qtpi

So how did I handle it when I was in the marriage? I couldn't. He would never be consistently loving. I learned to ignore him and his abuse. I would say,I don't want to fight today. And I built my own life- made friends, hobbies, exercise, part time job, girls trips, etc. Towards the end of the marriage I realized I was always happier when he wasn't around. Right before I left, he told me, "I deeply resent how happy you are." honest to Pete- what loving husband was not going to want his wife to have a happy life? I told him I wasn't going to be miserable for him. But I think he wished I was miserable- because he was miserable.

qtpi

And finally after treating me like dog poop, he was suddenly nice and like nothing had happened at all. never apologized.

FeelingGreat

Once he's made some promises the pressure is there to act. That's when the attack phase starts. It deflects attention from the fact that he's actually doing nothing. You'd probably be better off it he agreed that yes, he's an alcoholic, and no. he has no intention of doing anything about it.

I don't think there's much you can do to insulate yourself against the cold phase because if the people we love are hostile, it's really hurtful. You might not care if it was a neighbour, or acquaintance, but this is the man you married. You can understand why, but that doesn't help much.

Is it something you can bring up in counselling?

Damaged2

Yes.

I'm struck by yours and everyone else's response.

"Abuser" "Victim"

Honestly, this is not what I expected to hear. I'm not really sure what to do now. Thought I had everything figured out.

Damaged2

Good question. The answer is "no", not at this time. We had a counseling session yesterday and talked about it beforehand and although he didn't forbid me to bring up my concerns with his drinking, he was clearly uncomfortable with it. He's said before in counseling that he "probably drinks too much" and that he uses alcohol to cope, but I've never said anything about the drinking. After counseling he said that he's decided not to drink at home, which is where he is most of the time because of COVID. But he's said this before, even before the quarantine.

Hawkeye13

Active alcoholism and couples counseling don't work concurrently.

You are just feeding him bullets to hit you with when he drinks.

Amaranth

We are in a cycle of having fights/discussions/difficult conversations, working things out, coming to some good conclusions, making promises (his). Then I feel good and close to him and I get complacent and I go about life feeling pretty content, and then when I am the most unsuspecting, he becomes cold and distant and starts "attacking" me (verbally). He finds fault in everything about me, but he has some definite themes; his favorites are that I don't help enough with home maintenance and that I'm too introverted. And he usually says he drinks because he's lonely and he can't image a future with me. He basically puts all the blame on me for how he feels, and for our rocky relationship.

Damaged2
this sounds horribly familiar to me.
Rather than focus on the promises, focus on the action that follows. Without action, promises mean nothing and if there is consistently no action, you can train yourself to stop listening to the promises and then you will suffer less from frustration and disappointment.

I recognise your cycle. How would you feel if the good parts of the cycle got less and less and the bad parts (the verbal abuse, coldness) got more and more until they were all that was left?

For me it was a gradual process. One day I woke up and realised there was no longer a cycle. The good part of my husband had been completely taken over by the bad and I was living with someone who seemed to hate me. I couldn't live like that.

Wombaticus

Its cruelty. I'm sick of living with the grief and sadness.

FeelingGreat

'Damaged' you could probably save your money if you're not 'allowed' to bring up the major issue for you in the marriage. Ditto for the 'cycle'. Your counsellor is operating without a major piece of information.

qtpi

Damaged- I would recommend you read Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham- I think you will recognize where you are at and what is to come. Well after I left, I found a book called Healing the Trauma of Domestic Abuse by Kubany, et. al. I still had quite a bit of healing to do. Not all abuse is physical. One motto I wrote down for myself is I don't deserve to be neglected, to be spoken to with disrespect, and to have my concerns for his drinking to be ignored. A big change in my thinking came when I took a part time job and everyone at work treated me better than I was being treated at home. I didn't think of myself as a victim either. I was in denial. I wanted the marriage to continue, until I got sick and tired of the meanness. One thing I like about this forum is people give you feedback whereas in Alanon, you are just supposed to listen.

qtpi

also i twisted myself into a bonsai tree pretzel to try to please him. Not dressing well enough, eating too much, not drinking enough, house not perfectly clean, too analytical, i held my s's too long at the end of a word, not enough sex, it went on and on. and even though i tried to please him, it was never enough. so that method will not work. Then he will tell you you are too happy!!! And don't share this information with him, thinking it will help. He will just use it against you.

Damaged2

Rather than focus on the promises, focus on the action that follows. Without action, promises mean nothing and if there is consistently no action, you can train yourself to stop listening to the promises and then you will suffer less from frustration and disappointment.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you for weighing in! I am actually doing that. I've started keeping notes of our "conversations" and writing down his promises. I think a visual record of what's actually happening will help me a lot. Almost like a graph of our relationship.

I hope you are doing okay.

Damaged2

I will look into that book (Under the Influence). And I agree with you about this forum --- I'm looking for feedback and the hard truth. Thank you.