Can’t Stick With It
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 16
Can’t Stick With It
A little over 2 years ago at approximately 3:30 am I stood in my kitchen writing suicide notes to my wife and kids fully intentioned on ending my life that morning. What started out 25 years ago as bing drinking slowly became daily drinking to escape at the end of the day which then evolved into me drinking before ANY type of social interaction to eventually me drinking during work hours and in the wee-hours of the morning in an attempt to sleep. I was somehow managing to hold things together at home and at work despite being drunk 24/7/365. Turns out that I’ve spent most of my life being a tremendously skillful liar, a skill which most of us alcoholics pick up pretty quick. Early on that particular morning, I needed it to end ASAP. I could finally see how things would play out personally and professionally...I would lose it all but I didn’t know how to stop and also feared that the withdrawal would kill me anyhow. Fortunately, I drank enough after writing my notes that I passed out before taking the most desperate of actions.
After waking a few hours later, due to needing more alcohol in my system, I went to my wife, told her the full extent of my problem and immediately sought the help of a drug and alcohol focused therapist who recommended and took me to my first AA meeting. I was on my way to a sober life and 100% committed...I thought. At day 91, while on vacation, I grabbed a bottle of rum left by some friends who had made the trip with us and I started to guzzle. I was shaking and sweating just prior to that episode and knew what was about to happen but instead of calling my therapist or someone from AA (I didn’t have a formal sponsor), I caved and immediately felt disappointed. However, that disappointment didn’t stop me from sneaking drinks the rest of the trip which eventually led to the dreaded cycle which had me back to drinking a fifth of Vodka, or more, each day when we got home from the trip.
A few weeks later, I returned to AA to get things back on track. I should mention that despite succumbing to the bottle, I have been fairly successful in my career so I drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and live in a good part of town. As I frequented more AA meetings, I started to get approached by various people wanting to borrow money, do work at my house, wash my car...basically anything to earn a few bucks, which I get but I had literally not spoken to any of these people for more than a couple of minutes each during my months with the group. With that said, it made me increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I stopped going to meetings all together as I was getting approached at almost every meeting. This made me anxious and eventually very angry. Not at those people but at the fact that I no longer felt like AA was my “safe place”. Anxiety has always been a major issue which was caused by different forms of toxic shame throughout my youth. The attention at AA made me so anxious that I would start to sweat bullets when it was my turn to share. The result...I quit AA all together then relying almost exclusively on the support from my therapist and to a lesser extent my family.
Since leaving AA I’ll go 30-60 days dry only to fall back to the bottle when my anxiety gets the best of me or the cravings become too much. Other times I’ll just drink for no apparent reason despite living healthy and alcohol-free for a decent stretch.
So here I sit, two years from the day I’d planned to die, still craving a drink and being jealous of those that can moderately partake. It’s been 32 days since my last drink. 33 days ago I had convinced myself that I was 100% committed to sobriety, yet today I would love nothing more than a sip of vodka. How do I go from being at death’s doorstep to even remotely thinking I can or should drink....and doing it over and over and over again. Why don’t I feel that same level of desperation or even remember slightly what it felt like on that early morning two years ago? I feel blessed to have had as many alcohol-free days as I’ve had over the past two years but I need to rid mind of the naive thoughts that enter the mind of us alcoholics. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciative. This is my first post but I’ve been lurking for a while. Thanks for all you do for our community.
After waking a few hours later, due to needing more alcohol in my system, I went to my wife, told her the full extent of my problem and immediately sought the help of a drug and alcohol focused therapist who recommended and took me to my first AA meeting. I was on my way to a sober life and 100% committed...I thought. At day 91, while on vacation, I grabbed a bottle of rum left by some friends who had made the trip with us and I started to guzzle. I was shaking and sweating just prior to that episode and knew what was about to happen but instead of calling my therapist or someone from AA (I didn’t have a formal sponsor), I caved and immediately felt disappointed. However, that disappointment didn’t stop me from sneaking drinks the rest of the trip which eventually led to the dreaded cycle which had me back to drinking a fifth of Vodka, or more, each day when we got home from the trip.
A few weeks later, I returned to AA to get things back on track. I should mention that despite succumbing to the bottle, I have been fairly successful in my career so I drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and live in a good part of town. As I frequented more AA meetings, I started to get approached by various people wanting to borrow money, do work at my house, wash my car...basically anything to earn a few bucks, which I get but I had literally not spoken to any of these people for more than a couple of minutes each during my months with the group. With that said, it made me increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I stopped going to meetings all together as I was getting approached at almost every meeting. This made me anxious and eventually very angry. Not at those people but at the fact that I no longer felt like AA was my “safe place”. Anxiety has always been a major issue which was caused by different forms of toxic shame throughout my youth. The attention at AA made me so anxious that I would start to sweat bullets when it was my turn to share. The result...I quit AA all together then relying almost exclusively on the support from my therapist and to a lesser extent my family.
Since leaving AA I’ll go 30-60 days dry only to fall back to the bottle when my anxiety gets the best of me or the cravings become too much. Other times I’ll just drink for no apparent reason despite living healthy and alcohol-free for a decent stretch.
So here I sit, two years from the day I’d planned to die, still craving a drink and being jealous of those that can moderately partake. It’s been 32 days since my last drink. 33 days ago I had convinced myself that I was 100% committed to sobriety, yet today I would love nothing more than a sip of vodka. How do I go from being at death’s doorstep to even remotely thinking I can or should drink....and doing it over and over and over again. Why don’t I feel that same level of desperation or even remember slightly what it felt like on that early morning two years ago? I feel blessed to have had as many alcohol-free days as I’ve had over the past two years but I need to rid mind of the naive thoughts that enter the mind of us alcoholics. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciative. This is my first post but I’ve been lurking for a while. Thanks for all you do for our community.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome, and I understand your frustration. 32 days of sobriety is great.
My opinion is that you just have to get through the cravings. Then it gets easier and the cravings lessen. There's no way around it, but to go through it. You will have cravings and you can deal with them. Have you changed other things in your life along with stopping drinking? I had to make some lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I got back to some old hobbies, walking became an everyday thing, and I removed some friends/family from my life.
My opinion is that you just have to get through the cravings. Then it gets easier and the cravings lessen. There's no way around it, but to go through it. You will have cravings and you can deal with them. Have you changed other things in your life along with stopping drinking? I had to make some lifestyle changes to support my recovery. I got back to some old hobbies, walking became an everyday thing, and I removed some friends/family from my life.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
It took me well over a year of mental and physical suffering to really start to feel my body normalizing.
I had to replace the high i got from booze with something else. I still do. If I don't exercise for about 3 days in a row, i will go into dopamine withdrawal.
I get edgy, crazy, have trouble sleeping. Basically, insanity.
I need the rush and what I used to get from booze, i get from fitness now.
I imagine as I age, i will not be able to exercise as much, but I am optimistic at this point i will never ingest any mind altering substance again.
The only way out was suffering like the crackhead that I was. I would curl up in a ball and whimper.
Sugary things helped as well.
It is amazing how when I am gasping for air trying to run around the block, I don't crave. The physical needs win every time. Then I get adrenaline and dopamine.
Additionally, now clean this long, my sleep is much deeper. I get a natural melatonine high after about 5 hours. All pain and sickness go away. I feel like I am on some kind of morphine.
When I wake up, it takes about 15 minutes for the grogginess to dissipate. This is a guaranteed natural high every single day of my life.
I still crave the buzz like I did when I was a big fat drunk. I get it now in the way my body was naturally intended to get it.
Drinking is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
Hope this helps. Trying to help folks helps me. I get a little dopamine shot for my effort.
Thanks.
I had to replace the high i got from booze with something else. I still do. If I don't exercise for about 3 days in a row, i will go into dopamine withdrawal.
I get edgy, crazy, have trouble sleeping. Basically, insanity.
I need the rush and what I used to get from booze, i get from fitness now.
I imagine as I age, i will not be able to exercise as much, but I am optimistic at this point i will never ingest any mind altering substance again.
The only way out was suffering like the crackhead that I was. I would curl up in a ball and whimper.
Sugary things helped as well.
It is amazing how when I am gasping for air trying to run around the block, I don't crave. The physical needs win every time. Then I get adrenaline and dopamine.
Additionally, now clean this long, my sleep is much deeper. I get a natural melatonine high after about 5 hours. All pain and sickness go away. I feel like I am on some kind of morphine.
When I wake up, it takes about 15 minutes for the grogginess to dissipate. This is a guaranteed natural high every single day of my life.
I still crave the buzz like I did when I was a big fat drunk. I get it now in the way my body was naturally intended to get it.
Drinking is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
Hope this helps. Trying to help folks helps me. I get a little dopamine shot for my effort.
Thanks.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. Hope joining gets you on the sober path.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.
--From the Big Book of AA-Ch. 2: There Is A Solution P24
Big Book of AA 1st ed
Originally Posted by StuckInMyHead 
How do I go from being at death’s doorstep to even remotely thinking I can or should drink....and doing it over and over and over again. Why don’t I feel that same level of desperation or even remember slightly what it felt like on that early morning two years ago?
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.
--From the Big Book of AA-Ch. 2: There Is A Solution P24
Big Book of AA 1st ed
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 2,229
I'm so glad you're here, Stuckinmyhead. I've heard a lot of others talk about how when the pain of drinking fades from our minds, the urge can suddenly get really strong. It's happened to me, too. Maybe write down all the reasons you want to stay sober? Write out about all the pain you had from drinking. Read it from time to time. Come to think of it, I need to do that, too.
Hang in there, let it pass. Congrats on 33 days!
Hang in there, let it pass. Congrats on 33 days!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Wow, well you CAN do this. I drank a similar amount to you as well. I can tell you want this. Just fight through the individual cravings. They will pass and life will go on . It does not stay that way. I am only 10 months sober myself. The cravings have passed. I realized the booze is a huge part of anxiety. I have none now. I used to have it bigtime. Since you have been lurking you no doubt know what a special place this is. I would say read more, check out some other sections and post alot. For me it helped change my mind set to one where being sober was ok. Believe me I now KNOW that being sober IS the was to be. Everything is just so much easier in so many ways. You will save quite a bit of money. I would guess most if not all your anxiety will go away. I doubt you wife and kids will mind a sober you. Trust me its way better. Your wife and kids need you. Stick around and get better. You will feel way better in no time. Drop the habit. Its just a bad habit. Drop it and move on. I hope to see you around for a while. ALWAYS post here first if you feel like you might want to drink. There is always someone around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome. Hey you sound just like me. Except for the being approached at AA part. I believe I have this kind of 'leave me the F alone' vibe. And guess what? People do. That's not a positive thing, btw. It just seems to be who I am. I also carefully picked meetings, attending many to find the right ones. I found noon meetings to be the least, er, creepy and to have people that I could relate too.
One thing that I'm pretty sure about is this addiction thing will get worse. So nice house, car, wife, career, family? That can all be lost. Not always, but an awful lot. I am so fortunate I haven't lost all the 'stuff'. But I easily could. Very little differentiates me from the homeless alcoholic. Very little. The home, I guess.
Sooo, you need help staying stopped. Me too. I don't attend AA anymore. Maybe online meetings would suite you? Maybe SR will really help. Stick around and share and read.
At the end of the day you decide what stands between you and a drink. I know for me alcohol simply won't work. It won't make anything better. And it will kill me. I drank to that point. I'm lucky to be alive.
One thing that I'm pretty sure about is this addiction thing will get worse. So nice house, car, wife, career, family? That can all be lost. Not always, but an awful lot. I am so fortunate I haven't lost all the 'stuff'. But I easily could. Very little differentiates me from the homeless alcoholic. Very little. The home, I guess.
Sooo, you need help staying stopped. Me too. I don't attend AA anymore. Maybe online meetings would suite you? Maybe SR will really help. Stick around and share and read.
At the end of the day you decide what stands between you and a drink. I know for me alcohol simply won't work. It won't make anything better. And it will kill me. I drank to that point. I'm lucky to be alive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
We're very happy you have come out of the shadows on SR and begun sharing with us.
My experiences were similar to yours in many ways as it relates to AA, with the exception that I stuck with it, worked the 12 steps with a sponsor, did service work and read the literature, and, most importantly, have stayed sober since my first AA meeting.
I got into AA through alcohol and drug treatment in 1988, when i was 31 years old.
I have been a lawyer for the last 37-38 years.
Try to find a drunk without a legal problem (or six) - it's quite hard.
So many people would want to talk with me about their various and sundry legal problems before and after meetings.
I didn't like practicing law at the time, so my meetings were the 1 place of respite for me where I could focus on my alcoholism and recovery and not my clients' needs.
Or so I thought, until the Conga line of prospective clients formed who wanted to besiege me with their various travails and tales of woe before and after the meetings.
People would harangue me by inquiring as to the status of their matters.
It was terrible.
Until I learned to say "no".
Growing up as a people-pleaser in a codependent family, I always tried to accommodate people who wanted help.
I discussed this with my sponsor, who was also a lawyer, and thereafter began declining to do legal work (usually slow-pay or no-pay, for that matter) for my fellow AA members.
I will occasionally make an exception, but those are rare these days.
You have no obligation to employ or loan money to the people who are bothering you.
I make it clear that I come to AA meetings as a result of my alcoholism and for no other reason, especially finding someone who needs an attorney.
I say "no".
People also hit me up for loans.
While I'm a soft touch when someone wants money (e.g., while I'm pumping gas), at AA meetings it really bothers me.
So, again, I say "no".
Please come back - AA needs you and you may need it.
My experiences were similar to yours in many ways as it relates to AA, with the exception that I stuck with it, worked the 12 steps with a sponsor, did service work and read the literature, and, most importantly, have stayed sober since my first AA meeting.
I got into AA through alcohol and drug treatment in 1988, when i was 31 years old.
I have been a lawyer for the last 37-38 years.
Try to find a drunk without a legal problem (or six) - it's quite hard.
So many people would want to talk with me about their various and sundry legal problems before and after meetings.
I didn't like practicing law at the time, so my meetings were the 1 place of respite for me where I could focus on my alcoholism and recovery and not my clients' needs.
Or so I thought, until the Conga line of prospective clients formed who wanted to besiege me with their various travails and tales of woe before and after the meetings.
People would harangue me by inquiring as to the status of their matters.
It was terrible.
Until I learned to say "no".
Growing up as a people-pleaser in a codependent family, I always tried to accommodate people who wanted help.
I discussed this with my sponsor, who was also a lawyer, and thereafter began declining to do legal work (usually slow-pay or no-pay, for that matter) for my fellow AA members.
I will occasionally make an exception, but those are rare these days.
You have no obligation to employ or loan money to the people who are bothering you.
I make it clear that I come to AA meetings as a result of my alcoholism and for no other reason, especially finding someone who needs an attorney.
I say "no".
People also hit me up for loans.
While I'm a soft touch when someone wants money (e.g., while I'm pumping gas), at AA meetings it really bothers me.
So, again, I say "no".
Please come back - AA needs you and you may need it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Abraham
Wow, well you CAN do this. I drank a similar amount to you as well. I can tell you want this. Just fight through the individual cravings. They will pass and life will go on . It does not stay that way. I am only 10 months sober myself. The cravings have passed. I realized the booze is a huge part of anxiety. I have none now. I used to have it bigtime. Since you have been lurking you no doubt know what a special place this is. I would say read more, check out some other sections and post alot. For me it helped change my mind set to one where being sober was ok. Believe me I now KNOW that being sober IS the was to be. Everything is just so much easier in so many ways. You will save quite a bit of money. I would guess most if not all your anxiety will go away. I doubt you wife and kids will mind a sober you. Trust me its way better. Your wife and kids need you. Stick around and get better. You will feel way better in no time. Drop the habit. Its just a bad habit. Drop it and move on. I hope to see you around for a while. ALWAYS post here first if you feel like you might want to drink. There is always someone around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by StuckInMyHead
A little over 2 years ago at approximately 3:30 am I stood in my kitchen writing suicide notes to my wife and kids fully intentioned on ending my life that morning. What started out 25 years ago as bing drinking slowly became daily drinking to escape at the end of the day which then evolved into me drinking before ANY type of social interaction to eventually me drinking during work hours and in the wee-hours of the morning in an attempt to sleep. I was somehow managing to hold things together at home and at work despite being drunk 24/7/365. Turns out that I’ve spent most of my life being a tremendously skillful liar, a skill which most of us alcoholics pick up pretty quick. Early on that particular morning, I needed it to end ASAP. I could finally see how things would play out personally and professionally...I would lose it all but I didn’t know how to stop and also feared that the withdrawal would kill me anyhow. Fortunately, I drank enough after writing my notes that I passed out before taking the most desperate of actions.
After waking a few hours later, due to needing more alcohol in my system, I went to my wife, told her the full extent of my problem and immediately sought the help of a drug and alcohol focused therapist who recommended and took me to my first AA meeting. I was on my way to a sober life and 100% committed...I thought. At day 91, while on vacation, I grabbed a bottle of rum left by some friends who had made the trip with us and I started to guzzle. I was shaking and sweating just prior to that episode and knew what was about to happen but instead of calling my therapist or someone from AA (I didn’t have a formal sponsor), I caved and immediately felt disappointed. However, that disappointment didn’t stop me from sneaking drinks the rest of the trip which eventually led to the dreaded cycle which had me back to drinking a fifth of Vodka, or more, each day when we got home from the trip.
A few weeks later, I returned to AA to get things back on track. I should mention that despite succumbing to the bottle, I have been fairly successful in my career so I drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and live in a good part of town. As I frequented more AA meetings, I started to get approached by various people wanting to borrow money, do work at my house, wash my car...basically anything to earn a few bucks, which I get but I had literally not spoken to any of these people for more than a couple of minutes each during my months with the group. With that said, it made me increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I stopped going to meetings all together as I was getting approached at almost every meeting. This made me anxious and eventually very angry. Not at those people but at the fact that I no longer felt like AA was my “safe place”. Anxiety has always been a major issue which was caused by different forms of toxic shame throughout my youth. The attention at AA made me so anxious that I would start to sweat bullets when it was my turn to share. The result...I quit AA all together then relying almost exclusively on the support from my therapist and to a lesser extent my family.
Since leaving AA I’ll go 30-60 days dry only to fall back to the bottle when my anxiety gets the best of me or the cravings become too much. Other times I’ll just drink for no apparent reason despite living healthy and alcohol-free for a decent stretch.
So here I sit, two years from the day I’d planned to die, still craving a drink and being jealous of those that can moderately partake. It’s been 32 days since my last drink. 33 days ago I had convinced myself that I was 100% committed to sobriety, yet today I would love nothing more than a sip of vodka. How do I go from being at death’s doorstep to even remotely thinking I can or should drink....and doing it over and over and over again. Why don’t I feel that same level of desperation or even remember slightly what it felt like on that early morning two years ago? I feel blessed to have had as many alcohol-free days as I’ve had over the past two years but I need to rid mind of the naive thoughts that enter the mind of us alcoholics. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciative. This is my first post but I’ve been lurking for a while. Thanks for all you do for our community.
After waking a few hours later, due to needing more alcohol in my system, I went to my wife, told her the full extent of my problem and immediately sought the help of a drug and alcohol focused therapist who recommended and took me to my first AA meeting. I was on my way to a sober life and 100% committed...I thought. At day 91, while on vacation, I grabbed a bottle of rum left by some friends who had made the trip with us and I started to guzzle. I was shaking and sweating just prior to that episode and knew what was about to happen but instead of calling my therapist or someone from AA (I didn’t have a formal sponsor), I caved and immediately felt disappointed. However, that disappointment didn’t stop me from sneaking drinks the rest of the trip which eventually led to the dreaded cycle which had me back to drinking a fifth of Vodka, or more, each day when we got home from the trip.
A few weeks later, I returned to AA to get things back on track. I should mention that despite succumbing to the bottle, I have been fairly successful in my career so I drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and live in a good part of town. As I frequented more AA meetings, I started to get approached by various people wanting to borrow money, do work at my house, wash my car...basically anything to earn a few bucks, which I get but I had literally not spoken to any of these people for more than a couple of minutes each during my months with the group. With that said, it made me increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I stopped going to meetings all together as I was getting approached at almost every meeting. This made me anxious and eventually very angry. Not at those people but at the fact that I no longer felt like AA was my “safe place”. Anxiety has always been a major issue which was caused by different forms of toxic shame throughout my youth. The attention at AA made me so anxious that I would start to sweat bullets when it was my turn to share. The result...I quit AA all together then relying almost exclusively on the support from my therapist and to a lesser extent my family.
Since leaving AA I’ll go 30-60 days dry only to fall back to the bottle when my anxiety gets the best of me or the cravings become too much. Other times I’ll just drink for no apparent reason despite living healthy and alcohol-free for a decent stretch.
So here I sit, two years from the day I’d planned to die, still craving a drink and being jealous of those that can moderately partake. It’s been 32 days since my last drink. 33 days ago I had convinced myself that I was 100% committed to sobriety, yet today I would love nothing more than a sip of vodka. How do I go from being at death’s doorstep to even remotely thinking I can or should drink....and doing it over and over and over again. Why don’t I feel that same level of desperation or even remember slightly what it felt like on that early morning two years ago? I feel blessed to have had as many alcohol-free days as I’ve had over the past two years but I need to rid mind of the naive thoughts that enter the mind of us alcoholics. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciative. This is my first post but I’ve been lurking for a while. Thanks for all you do for our community.
I relapsed recently after many years away from cocaine. My relapse was minor in truth but mostly what I've had is memories of the one bad binge years ago and all the damage I narrowly escaped. Like you, my career, my wife, all the good things in my life. The thought of ever going back to that dark place and how I felt emotionally, the irrational thoughts and acting on them. It's been enough to allow me to stop again. Of course, having a good dr/therapist has made it much easier and has allowed me to have a safe place to admit my feelings and find answers. I personally dont use any programs, but being on this site Ive been reading about some of them. I found one called Smart Recovery that has a component that might help you as it offers tools to help find and maintain motivation. It looks to be based on a variant of CBT which is rooted in therapeutic approaches. All I can say is motivation has been the key for me. The pain of the past is still there, but my life and all I want is in the future. The future I want, and who I want to be as a person wont come to fruition if I'm reliant on coke. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
It doesn't sound like AA was the key to the periods of sobriety you have had. You went to AA. Then drank again on vacation. Then went back to AA, had what I think is an unusual AA experience, and then continued to drink post-AA.
Don't give up on group support. I think you being shaken down at multiple AA meetings is a VERY unusual experience. The AA'ers I know would kick their fellow AA-er's in the a$$ if they acted like that to other anonymous people.
I suggest you try another AA meeting or seek some other kind of group support that might work for you. I don't do AA but have a group of others in my profession that meet regularly to support each other in recovery.
Your story is so sad and amazing. What a ride you've had. Thank you for sharing it and welcome to SR.
Don't give up on group support. I think you being shaken down at multiple AA meetings is a VERY unusual experience. The AA'ers I know would kick their fellow AA-er's in the a$$ if they acted like that to other anonymous people.
I suggest you try another AA meeting or seek some other kind of group support that might work for you. I don't do AA but have a group of others in my profession that meet regularly to support each other in recovery.
Your story is so sad and amazing. What a ride you've had. Thank you for sharing it and welcome to SR.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome, Stuck! You too, Bunker. You found a great place for encouragement & friendship.
I had trouble sticking with it for many years. I irrationally held on to the fantasy that I could be a social drinker if I just used enough willpower. Maybe I didn't have to give it up all together - just have 'a few' once in a while. I caused myself so much grief & misery proving that this could never happen. Drinking in moderation was impossible for me. My dependency grew over the years. In the end, I was drinking all day, with a ruined life. That doesn't have to be the way your story ends. You have 32 days and you can stay free of it this time. You never have to go back to that sad and dangerous place. I hope you'll stay and keep reading & posting. It's so good to have you here.
I had trouble sticking with it for many years. I irrationally held on to the fantasy that I could be a social drinker if I just used enough willpower. Maybe I didn't have to give it up all together - just have 'a few' once in a while. I caused myself so much grief & misery proving that this could never happen. Drinking in moderation was impossible for me. My dependency grew over the years. In the end, I was drinking all day, with a ruined life. That doesn't have to be the way your story ends. You have 32 days and you can stay free of it this time. You never have to go back to that sad and dangerous place. I hope you'll stay and keep reading & posting. It's so good to have you here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
After some 7.5 years of AA I have never once had anyone approach me for work / money, nor have I seen it happen to any other members, nor have I ever heard any old timer mention it as any sort of problem.
It never ceases to amaze me all the AA "incidents" that crop up on SR.
It never ceases to amaze me all the AA "incidents" that crop up on SR.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
A fantastic first post by the OP. One I can relate to so much.
The memory of pain (physical and emotional) that can fade too quickly is a phenomenon I live through over and over again. Two weeks ago I also felt suicidal. Was I serious? Probably not. But the sense of despair was overwhelming. I have posted about all of this in the April 2020 ‘class’ - maybe you will join it and keep in regular contact with people like me that are battling every day too?
Regards,
JT
The memory of pain (physical and emotional) that can fade too quickly is a phenomenon I live through over and over again. Two weeks ago I also felt suicidal. Was I serious? Probably not. But the sense of despair was overwhelming. I have posted about all of this in the April 2020 ‘class’ - maybe you will join it and keep in regular contact with people like me that are battling every day too?
Regards,
JT
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Well you certainly can write. What a great post.
What stuck out for me was that you're having trouble with acceptance that you won't ever drink again. I got round this by committing myself to 1 year sober. When the year came around, considering that I much preferred by sober life and the cravings had stopped, I just kept going. If you think you can make it through to a year, this might be helpful.
SR really reinforced my wish to stop drinking. I was on here every day. I hope it will be a good substitute for AA.
As anxiety is a factor in your relapse and you can afford some tuition, can I suggest daily meditation? When you get anxious your body will turn to alcohol. It does eventually stop doing this, but it will take a good year or more and in the meanwhile you need to tackle anxiety.
You have a clear eyed picture of where you go wrong, but as you really want to stop I think you can tackle these obstacles successfully.
What stuck out for me was that you're having trouble with acceptance that you won't ever drink again. I got round this by committing myself to 1 year sober. When the year came around, considering that I much preferred by sober life and the cravings had stopped, I just kept going. If you think you can make it through to a year, this might be helpful.
SR really reinforced my wish to stop drinking. I was on here every day. I hope it will be a good substitute for AA.
As anxiety is a factor in your relapse and you can afford some tuition, can I suggest daily meditation? When you get anxious your body will turn to alcohol. It does eventually stop doing this, but it will take a good year or more and in the meanwhile you need to tackle anxiety.
You have a clear eyed picture of where you go wrong, but as you really want to stop I think you can tackle these obstacles successfully.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by StuckInMyHead
How do I go from being at death’s doorstep to even remotely thinking I can or should drink....and doing it over and over and over again. Why don’t I feel that same level of desperation or even remember slightly what it felt like on that early morning two years ago?
On the other hand, I've known very few people who've gotten and stayed sober because they were scared sober. Sobriety cannot even compete with death or with taking our own lives.
I don't know about you, but I typically and predictably forgot the desperation between each binge so that I could clear the way for another binge. And so on.
Things can always get better when you're sober; as you suggested, you don't have a chance but to lose everything and everyone important in your life when you're drinking. I did it twice with twenty-five years of sobriety separating the first and second acts of self-destruction. It's never too late to start over.
That you were drunk 24/7/365 means you generated and suffered a lot of distorted thinking and, as you wrote, a lot of "skillful" lying. At the same time, we never get away with as much as we think we do. Even if we did, look where it leaves us. With near absolute reliability.
It sounds as though you left or are contemplating leaving AA. Not everyone stays, and not everyone gets sober with AA. So, what's your Plan B? How about therapy? A different but substantial plan to get sober?
Right now, there are tens -- maybe hundreds -- of thousands of people contributing their time in order to help other people through tough times, all across the country. Suicide hotlines, mental-health hotlines, counseling hotlines, and support for people struggling with alcohol and drugs. Some require a fee, which usually comes at a discount. Many of them are there all the time.
My question is, where will you get/are you getting support for your recovery?
I don't think I'm all that smart when I'm drinking. I benefited from the counsel of people with experience. But it wasn't easy. There are still times when it is difficult for me.
In my experience, reaching out for help without unanalyzed or preconceived ideas about exactly what that help will look like or "should" actually be can be a transformational experience on its own. The more we do it, the more we learn, the more confident we become, the more we're able to act on our own behalf. I still need to practice.
What I wrote above isn't meant to be a recipe, a manual, or a sure thing. Nothing in nature grows in a straight line. It's more about what may be available to us if and when we're ready to get help, to allow other people to help us and support us. I've already proven to myself, over and over again, what can and does happen when I rely on my impaired, alcohol-soaked thinking.
Sobriety is hard. Try not to make it harder on yourself. It will help you to get to a better place.
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