Icemelon

Hello..im really struggling at the moment. My bf/ex of 2 years is addicted to cocaine. Whilst on it he can get very paranoid and accuses me of cheating with literally anyone, his friends, taxi drivers, his brother, cousin etc.

He has been quite delusional and scary at times. He hasnt physically hurt me but he has broken several of my phones, tvs,damaged my car. Said I am loose down there because Im cheating and threw me off the bed whilst we were being intimate. He would also text exes when we fell out to upset me, so he said.

For the past year, he has not been as bad in this respect but he still makes comments and has called me a ***** etc. He seemed to get better and made a half hearted attempt at recovery and joined NA. He said he was now keeping his paranoia in check. We have had some really good times and in his good spells he is great.

However, he works away a lot and I realised he is still using as he prioritises his drug friends when he comes home and lets me down. So we are always either apart through work or falling out because he chooses his friends/drugs.

The last time he let me down for my birthday I told him I felt devalued by him and wasnt having it anymore. He didnt even protest much so I simply quit replying to him. He says he loves me to bits and but I dont believe him.

Now it has been 4 weeks since we communicated. I thought he might reach out due to the lockdown but he hasnt.

I have heard that he is using heavily now and not paying his rent. He has also moved his friend in with him who also has a drug problem so things will be worse.

I am just trying to process everything. Did I handle it the right way? I feel like so much was left unsaid. And I feel guilty that now I am not around he is going even more off the rails. I still love him but he wasnt treating me well and still living his double life. I couldnt handle being lied to and expected to ignore it any longer.

I want to reach out but in the same instance I dont want to be involved with drugs/paranoia/jealousy as I was just resenting him. But I feel bad for just ghosting him. He never listens to my feelings though and we have never had a proper discussion as he thinks he is in control.

Im also struggling with the fact that maybe he is a narcissist..or is it the drugs causing his behaviour?

Sorry for the long post. Just need some advice. I keep going over all the good times we had and missing him.

Thanks

zoso77

Hey...

I empathize with where you're at, and I wish you weren't feeling this way. And when we're in that sort of place emotionally, a month can seem like a year.

There's no silver bullet. There's no way to snap your fingers and have you feel OK. This is something, unfortunately, you're going to have to go through. And it sucks. It really sucks.

But speaking from experience, I can assure you you're going to be OK. You may not believe that now. It may not feel that way right now. But you have to cut a deal with yourself that you will be OK. You have to take care of yourself. You have to make sure that you get through your days as best you can, even if you don't feel like it.

Just be safe.

Icemelon

Thank you. Some days I feel like it will be ok, but there are days like today that I dont. Its been a tough one. It just feels like he cant ever have truly cared to not even reach out. A part of me didnt want him to, but I feel like I miss his company now. Like maybe I should have had a proper conversation with him about things but it felt like it had gone beyond that. I know I cant be with him if hes using really. Now his friend who uses drugs is there with him too so it seems even more hopeless.
And I am pretty sure he is not sat at home thinking about me.
It just hurts when I think about it.

AnvilheadII

there is no such thing as a "proper conversation" with active coke head. he is continually under the influence of a very powerful mood altering and mind altering substance.

He hasnt physically hurt me but he has broken several of my phones, tvs,damaged my car. Said I am loose down there because Im cheating and threw me off the bed whilst we were being intimate. He would also text exes when we fell out to upset me, so he said.

^^^^this is abuse. plain and simple. we MUST shut the door on abuse. he is delusional, violent, and dangerous. there is no going back. whatever you may have thought you saw..........or hoped you saw....just wasn't there. regardless of what he may have said at any given time. he also said a lot of demeaning, abusive things degrading your character. who wants that? who wants MORE of that?

Icemelon

you are right. I know you are. It's like there is something wrong with my brain sometimes, a part that doesn't want to see it. I need to learn how to overcome it.
I wrote a list of all the bad things he did and can still remember how I felt during the times when I was frightened of him.
He could go from nice to nasty pretty quick if I tried to call him out on anything. I realise I put up with too much and inadvertently set the bar for his behaviour. I'm ashamed of the way I acted myself sometimes as I accused him at times too, due to his shadiness, all the times he let me down or went off the radar...which was probably just the drug use but who knows.
I know it can't work because he doesn't want to change. And I've a feeling the paranoia and abusiveness might even not be caused by drugs. I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just finding it hard today as I've been sat alone all day and its a lot of thinking time.

BeckoningCat

I was in a relationship for six years in my 20s with a man who had unresolved anger issues, which he self-medicated through prescription pills he obtained illegally. He was a very intelligent and creative person, a passionate lover, and fun to talk to. He was faithful, and could be a really great partner when he was stable.

However, during the six years we were together he also verbally threatened me, threw a glass of water on me, tore a book I was reading in half, spit on me, chased me down the street in my nightgown one night, and literally dragged me down the hallway by my hair one night. He was jealous like your ex, and accused me unfairly of things like your ex, and had a really wonderful side to him, just like your ex. He had me questioning myself, just like your ex.

My mother thought he had split personalities, he may have merely had untreated bipolar disorder, I was always of the opinion that he had untreated borderline personality disorder...but ultimately the reason why I left him is because he would never get help so that we could answer that question.

So even if it's only the coke that is making your ex act that way, or if it's a mental health issue that would be treatable with meds and/or therapy, as long as he won't get help, you can't help him.

I loved the person my ex was when he wasn't being abusive, but he wouldn't even go into couple's counseling with me, let alone seek serious help for his individual problems (which existed long before I came around, he was actually known in his high school for his epic temper and theatrical displays of anger, and he once threw ketchup at a cashier in a fast food restaurant, so no, it wasn't just me who made him angry).

I am just telling you this story because although I don't know your specific situation, I have lived the life of wondering if it was my fault my ex just said he was going to overdose on lortabs. If I didn't handle it the right way. ETC. I had those conversations with myself for so many years.

I finally left him when he wanted to get married and I told him I would marry him when he went to counseling. Yes, I gave him an ultimatum. But I gave him an "out" I gave him the option of couple's counseling and he wouldn't even do that. He just whined and begged and pleaded and threatened like usual. He threatened suicide. It was ugly.

And trust me, it took me longer than a month to get over it. It took a couple of years of my life to get over it. That's when I started therapy myself, and in the subsequent years have had to contend with my own self-medicating with alcohol.

If your ex won't go to therapy or rehab or SOMETHING, ANYTHING I swear to you there's nothing you can do. If you can learn that in two years instead of six, you probably will be better off in the long run, and it will not take as many years of your life to get over him. The longer you stay with someone, the deeper the attachment, and the longer it's going to take to move on.

Icemelon

Thanks for sharing your story. I realise he doesn't want help so there will be no change. The paranoia things that happened, well I knew that at least some of those times he was using drugs but sometimes he said he was clean but may have been lying.
He also sells drugs for other people sometimes and he was unwilling to let go of that for the money he'd make, even when he was supposedly in recovery for a brief time.
I know I was fighting a losing battle. I just feel like I should have communicated better about things. He would always try to talk me round and make things right, but this really just resulted in me trying to forget about things. Now he hasn't bothered at all and I know I should be grateful but I just can't hell feeling so awful.

Icemelon

During the relationship I too was self medicating a lot and also self harmed while drunk. I drank a lot and this affected my behaviour which also makes me question myself. Even though I am feeling down, I have cut down on alcohol a lot lately.