Any parents of a young adult alcoholic

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Old 04-12-2020, 12:41 PM
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Any parents of a young adult alcoholic

Looking for thoughts/advice from parents of an alcoholic child.
I was on this site before and sadly always seem to have to return.
Son was again 72 days sober. Called us in Jan. and said how he doesn't want to live like this anymore, wanted to get his life together, etc. Told me he wanted more for his life than this constant battle with his debt, health, etc
Called my parents and asked for help with his debt... of course my parents helped again.
Was going strong and seemed to be happy with his new life. He and his girlfriend started doing things again. He was being so kind and doing things for others.
Then this quarantine happened and working from his apartment. Wasn't long and back to drinking again. How do I know? Mothers intuition and also the signs- silence - not returning text messages, etc. I know he is back to drinking.

I know it is probably wrong to do this and that is why I am asking for thoughts.
Is is wrong to email/text him and just remind him of the conversation we had in January and how adamant he was on changing his life and how I hope he remembers the conversation and is seeking help at online meetings, etc. ( I wouldn't let on that I know he is back to drinking)
I know he was very nervous of meeting his girlfriends family in a few months so back to drinking will not go well with them at all.

I have another question for those with experience:
Can someone who abused alcohol go back to drinking normal if they are "happy" with their life?

Last edited by hummingbird358; 04-12-2020 at 12:46 PM. Reason: another question
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Old 04-12-2020, 01:08 PM
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From my own personal perspective, I think people that once abused alcohol can drink normally, at least that's been my personal experience. That said, I only drank really heavy thru high school and college and maybe a couple of years after that. At that time it was just what we all did, all my friends and teammates (I played baseball at a high level). But when we got older, it slowed way down for most, me included. Now I have 2 or 3 drinks about once every 2 or 3 weeks. There's no real pattern to it, sometimes I go 2 months without it and sometimes I'll have a couple of drinks on multiple nights on a given week. Actually get "drunk" maybe once a year, at a wedding or even on a whim. To me, all very normal and acceptable, don't crave it in the slightest bit.

I suppose that's part of the huge challenge when dealing with a young adult--is it just part of the social norms that they are surrounded by at that time, or is it deeper than that. Very hard to say for sure, I guess time is the only thing that can provide the real answer. Hang in there--
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Old 04-12-2020, 01:54 PM
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Most alcoholics and by most I’m referring to 99.99% cannot drink again without issue. There is a phrase in recovery communities regarding this, “ once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can’t turn the pickle back to a cucumber.”

After years of alcohol abuse the brain is rewired and it becomes sensitive to alcohol. It only takes one sip for some folks to go right back to heavy drinking and old behaviors.

If your son is an alcoholic (and it sounds like he is) then he most certainly cannot safely consume alcohol.
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Old 04-12-2020, 02:53 PM
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I'm glad to see you but sorry you had to come back hummingbird.

Can someone who abused alcohol go back to drinking normal if they are "happy" with their life?
my alcoholism is not dependent on whether I'm happy or not. I drank happy or sad.

Sometimes I drank less when I got into a new relationship for example - but no matter how that went, good or bad, sooner or later I always reverted back to what was my normal - alcoholic drinking and all that went with it.

I don't know anyone who drank alcoholically like I did and is now a 'normal' drinker.

As for contacting your son and reminding him of the January conversation - you can do that if you like but I'm sure you've done that before.

I wouldn't expect too much.

At least be prepared for a possible hostile response like you've had in the past.

D
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Old 04-12-2020, 08:31 PM
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Hard as it may seem, it's time to step back and let him work it out for himself. I promise you he knows everything you want to tell him and he's probably disgusted with himself and ashamed. I say that because it seems he really does want to be sober.

He has it within him to stop drinking on his own, but the motivation doesn't come from outside.

By all means, if you have to say something, keep it to how you're feeling about his relapse, which is devastated. If you beg, ask, order, guilt him to stop he'll feel you're threatening him and push back. I'm saying all this from the perspective of an ex-problem drinker. No-one could have helped me stop until I wanted to.
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Old 04-13-2020, 04:59 AM
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I personally have not been able to drink “normally” again despite many attempts. I don’t know anyone who has, from this website (alcoholism side) or in person.

Once your brain chemistry is rewired from drinking, it seems moderation is a dangerous myth that keeps tempting you to try over and over.

It was really the hardest lesson I had to accept before real recovery could happen.

Nobody could just tell me this. I had to find out by failing over and over for myself.

I don’t think you reminding him of anything will have much impact honestly. Keep working on your own recovery. That’s the most helpful thing you can do for the family as a whole.
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Old 04-13-2020, 05:14 AM
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When I was young, a few of us abused alcohol. Even then, there were differences between the abusers and the people who eventually ended up in AA. The abusers drank way to much on occasion. The ones who ended up in AA (or continued down the road they were on) were already hiding booze and lying about how much they drank, even in a time and place where many young people drank a lot.

I remember Friend A telling me about hiding an expensive bottle of something in her room, she'd purchased it at a duty-free shop someplace. When she went to open it for a special occasion it was nearly empty.

Friend B (her room mate) had known about the purchase, searched A's bedroom and closet until she found it, and had been sneaking drinks from it for weeks.

My husband knew not drinking was an option. (Well, for other people) His parents didn't drink. His brother didn't drink at all and his sister only occasionally. I only drank occasionally.

Hiding booze and lying about how much is consumed are just ways to pretend one is living a normal life. I guess the other tactic some employ is to hang around other heavy drinkers so one can tell one's self that their own consumption isn't unusual.
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Old 04-13-2020, 07:19 AM
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Hi hummingbird,

I know that this isolation has been hard on many people. From what you have described, your son does have a hard time handling any sort of set back that life throws his way. It sounds like he knows this, but just can’t admit to himself completely that he needs help dealing with life on life’s terms. There is no shame in asking for help. Many online counseling services are available if he would let go of that pride and seek them out. Unfortunately, some who struggle with depression can’t see how counseling would help with the overwhelming darkness they experience.

In my experience with my alcoholic stepson, if my late husband and I reminded him of prior conversations in which he said all the right things, he would just turn it around on us and tell us we weren’t supporting him or how we expected him to be perfect—which wasn’t true, of course. It was just his addict brain looking for a way to make it someone else’s fault so he had an excuse to drink.

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Old 04-13-2020, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
I have another question for those with experience:
Can someone who abused alcohol go back to drinking normal if they are "happy" with their life?
This doesn't really take experience hummingbird, this is science. Facts, research, not folk tales.

Some people are addicted, mentally and/or physically to alcohol, some are not.

What is "abusing alcohol"? I have certainly had more than a few drinks in my life, I did the drinking phase, going out every weekend and partying etc. I am not an alcoholic.

I have no need to drink, in fact as we speak I probably haven't had a drink for a year or two. This bothers me not at all, don't even think about it.

That is not how your Son is, from what you have posted here, he is an addict, when he is not drinking or when he has stopped for a while as soon as something crops up or there is a lull in his life he starts to drink. Everything he does points to alcoholism.

So no, he can't go back to drinking "normally", that is the science. There are perhaps a very small population of alcoholics who manage to curb their drinking in some kind of military fashion but they are the exception and not the rule.

You thinking that way (and I don't mean this harshly) is wishful thinking. He has never demonstrated an ability to curb or stop drinking so you coming to any kind of idea about this is just kind of made up?

There are two things going on with him (at least) I think. One that he is probably an addict, two, no one has let him fly on his own, not you or his grandparents. Until you do, he can't. I know this from experience. Might that come back to him resenting you, absolutely, might he blame you for his failure to pay his rent or bills, absolutely - unfortunately that is the position you are in. You can do the easier route and continue to prop him up, or you can let him fly.

Please know this is said with compassion not judgement.
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Old 04-13-2020, 01:23 PM
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You might find this article helpful:

Signs of alcohol abuse

"An alcohol abuse disorder is a serious and progressive condition. But it is treatable. If you think you or someone you care about has a problem with alcohol, learn more about the disease and ask your doctor for help.

Early symptoms of an alcohol abuse disorder include drinking more than planned, continuing to drink alcohol despite the concerns of others, and frequent attempts to cut down or quit drinking. As alcohol abuse progresses, the individual develops a tolerance to alcohol. He or she must drink more alcohol to get the desired good feeling or to get intoxicated.

When a person becomes dependent on alcohol, and can't get a drink, he or she develops withdrawal symptoms such as headache, nausea and vomiting, anxiety, and fatigue.

As alcohol abuse worsens, the person becomes preoccupied with alcohol and can lose control. He or she may have blackouts, which are episodes in which a person completely forgets what occurred when he or she was drunk even though he or she was conscious at the time.

Finally, personality changes occur. Someone suffering from alcohol abuse can become more aggressive and his or her ability to function (hold a job or maintain relationships with friends and family) can seriously deteriorate. Heavy drinkers may experience tremors, panic attacks, confusion, hallucinations, and seizures".

https://www.health.harvard.edu/addiction/alcohol-abuse
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Old 04-14-2020, 06:48 PM
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You are either an alcoholic or you are not. An alcoholic has a compulsion to drink.
An alcoholic can abstain from alcohol- that does not make him/her a "normal drinker" it makes him/her a sober alcoholic. An alcoholic can drink and keep a job, family, and pay his/her bills. That does not make him/her a "normal drinker" it makes him/her a "high functioning" alcoholic.

Likewise a normal drinker can get drunk every day for a week that does not make him/her an alcoholic. It makes him/her a binge drinker.

It is all in the "urge" an alcoholic can never get enough. An alcoholic can't stop. An alcoholic even thinks differently about alcohol than the normal drinker. If my AD said she was drinking 1 drink a night and felt fine with that I would say "talk to me in a month", it won't still be 1 a night. She can't drink normally. Ever.
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Old 04-15-2020, 02:29 AM
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Thank you all for your replies. I should have known it wouldn't last. I should have known the call about how he looked in the mirror and didn't want to live life like that anymore was just a short lived statement. He got the help from my parents again. Was going strong for a little over 2 months and this guarantee stuff happened and working from home started. Not sure what took place in his head. I got pics of his 1 and 2 month sober tokens.. none of the 3rd.. I get that because there are no meetings at this time. He only went to get his token anyway from how it sounded. I know from the silence again that he is back to drinking. Like it was stated... now it may be under control but it will get progressively worse again, relationship issues will start, losing items will start again, drunk phone calls pleading for help will start again.
One of my church friends said I shall not keep thinking about this and letting Satan get in my head. It is almost like a form of addiction for me - not an hour goes by that I don't wonder WHY?? can't he stop, WHY?? can't he realize that one drink will lead to another, etc and he will have his debt back up to the limits again, WHY??? I have to stop letting him steal my happiness, i KNOW! again, it is like I am addicted to him and his not being able to get his life together if that makes sense.
I so want to send a text reminding him that his 3 months sober was this week... I want to remind him of the conversation he had with me and how he wanted a better life... I want to remind him of how he said was showing compassion to others and how good he felt, I just don't get it. He knows what the booze does, why keep going back to it?? Right now he is good financially but that is no reason to go back to booze.
This has been going on for 8 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The longest sober was when on probation and that was it. Since then 89 days was the max. . Rehab, IOP's, etc. I don't get it.

I have seen multiple counselors, been to Alanon, and can't shake it. I guess I am no better than he is fighting this.
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Old 04-15-2020, 05:33 AM
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My husband never quit. He made cursory attempts, maybe a day or two at a time. One day I vented here, frustrated and hurt because he wouldn't even try."

Some wise soul posted here: He couldn't

That's how it goes, sometimes. Sometimes the damage and hurt, whatever it is, can't be overcome. Not all storms can be weathered. I will never know what happened to Late Husband, what the problems were. He had nice parents, he had a normal childhood, (as far as I know) but something went wrong, somewhere. At some point anesthetizing himself became his response to stress and unhappiness.

Once I realized I was impotent to change that, I had more energy to focus on my own life.
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Old 04-15-2020, 06:49 AM
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I found that letting go of trying to understand in favor of accepting things as they were was the thing that launched me into recovery from codependence.

You won't ever understand why. Addiction is not logical. But you CAN accept that he is an addict, that his actions and behavior do not and will not make sense to you. That is the essence of the first Step. Accepting that you are powerless over others.
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Old 04-15-2020, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
I don't get it.
I understand your thinking that way because addictions don't really make sense.

They certainly don't make sense from those looking from the outside, why would you do that??

As SK said though, you don't have to understand it, you just need to try to accept it. This is where he is at. You don't have to like it, but it is what it is.

Alternately you can do your research. Research alcoholism. Have that knowledge, understand the workings of addiction.

You worrying and propping him up is actually counter to what he probably needs. By handing him money you are putting your stamp of approval on what he's doing. You may as well just call dial a bottle and have them send some alcohol over. You might want to share that information with his grandparents as well.

If you absolutely cannot understand, if you absolutely cannot accept this, well that is your issue, not his, so perhaps stop placing the onus on his behaviour being responsible for your worry, sadness, anger etc. He is not responsible for your feelings.

He is not drinking AT you, he's just drinking.
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Old 04-15-2020, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I understand your thinking that way because addictions don't really make sense.

They certainly don't make sense from those looking from the outside, why would you do that??

As SK said though, you don't have to understand it, you just need to try to accept it. This is where he is at. You don't have to like it, but it is what it is.

Alternately you can do your research. Research alcoholism. Have that knowledge, understand the workings of addiction.

You worrying and propping him up is actually counter to what he probably needs. By handing him money you are putting your stamp of approval on what he's doing. You may as well just call dial a bottle and have them send some alcohol over. You might want to share that information with his grandparents as well.

If you absolutely cannot understand, if you absolutely cannot accept this, well that is your issue, not his, so perhaps stop placing the onus on his behaviour being responsible for your worry, sadness, anger etc. He is not responsible for your feelings.

He is not drinking AT you, he's just drinking.

This is so accurate.

This is whAt is meant by the saying “stay in your lane”

The more you or your parent get in his lane instead of minding your own, the more likely a wreck occurs to the whole family.

All the “help” in the world won’t stop him drinking.—look at your return on investment so far.

All it will do is destroy your quality of life. Step back and work on your own addiction to fixing his life. You deserve more but only you can give it to yourself.
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Old 04-16-2020, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
It is almost like a form of addiction for me - not an hour goes by that I don't wonder WHY?? can't he stop, WHY?? can't he realize that one drink will lead to another, etc and he will have his debt back up to the limits again, WHY??? I have to stop letting him steal my happiness, i KNOW! again, it is like I am addicted to him and his not being able to get his life together if that makes sense.
Have you ever read Codependent No More? Sadly, it sounds like you are suffering from a bad case of codependence. I know what you mean about asking "WHY???" and not coming up with any logical answer. All I can tell you is, alcoholism isn't rational. It certainly doesn't make sense to those of us who aren't alcoholics.

He can only steal your happiness if you allow him to. Perhaps now it's time for you to take back your power and own what is yours to own.

I was married to a man who went to multiple rehabs. Every single time, he couldn't stay sober more than about three weeks. I had to realize that I wouldn't get the answers I sought as to why he chose to destroy his life. Eventually, I made peace with not having answers.

He's been dead over five years now. Sometimes I'll look at his photo on my bookcase and still wonder why, but it no longer torments me.
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Old 04-25-2020, 02:11 AM
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Re: Any parents of a young adult alcoholic

I have read Codependent no more, been to Alanon, seen counselors and just started seeing another one. I know exactly what I need to do if and when he crashes again- Like the counselor said "your son knows exactly what to say to get you and your parents to think this time will be different, then you both cave and help him out of debt or with rent... He shows you about 2 months of strength and then starts all over again". I have to try to convince my parents if he calls next year about his debt being so high they can't help him again.I told my counselor that I check my sons phone logs since he is still on my cell plan and although he doesn't like it he understands that I do it so I am not fooled... My son called home a few Sundays ago. I couldn't speak to him or hear his voice. I left my husband talk and l went for a walk. My husband said that he sounded just great. He also called my parents.. Same reaction - sounded great! I see the phone calls to the liquor store every day at the time his gf leaves for work...
I do feel stronger not sure if my parents will be. My husband is upset because I think negatively about my son and feel he won't make it by drinking every day again.
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Old 04-25-2020, 07:50 AM
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Re: Any parents of a young adult alcoholic

He wont make it if he keeps drinking but let actions speak for themselves and dont try to fix husbands understanding.
Hardest thing to do is let go and let God, but if you truly do this, you can find some peace whatever anyone in the family does. Really.
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