Magichappens

For years I had a deep and terrible feeling that there was something wrong with me. That I was broken, bad, and unfixable. It caused me to not try to do the right thing, not expect anyone to love me, and to accept abuse from others.

By working through my issues with my mother, I realized where this came from. Because my mother was surrounded by alcoholics that she couldn't fix, when she had me, she proceded to focus on fixing me. I was someone she could control. My perception of this treatment was that there was something in me that always needed fixing. To me as a child, who wasn't broken, I began to believe I was broken.

I am absolutely sure that my mother didn't decide one day to have a child and screw it up. She wanted the best for me. In her mind, what was best was to forsee any problem and fix it before it happened.

So throughout my life I have lived with this deep feeling that there was something very wrong with me, and that if anyone knew me, they couldn't possibly love me. As a teen, I found that men liked me because of sex. I have used that to be connected on some level. I became nuerotic about my looks, my weight, my appearance. It was the only way I had to feel loved and wanted. It also prevented me from having any sort of meaningful relationship with a healthy person.

Through the healing process of the steps, I have realized that there is nothing terribly wrong with me. I am a human, with wonderful gifts and flaws. There is nothing inside of me that would prevent someone from loving me. I am beginning to be capable of deeper, more meaningful relationships. I am able to let people inside, and let down my walls.

I owe this healing to the Al-Anon program. The steps, the slogans, the books, and the wonderful, patient, caring people in my group. I am a work in progress. This is another milestone in my journey. Hugs, Magic

Gabe

Yes you are.
And thank you for sharing them with us.
Hugs,
Gabe