How is everyone doing during isolation?

Old 04-06-2020, 06:03 PM
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How is everyone doing during isolation?

I'd love to hear your positives and worries. I'm sure we all have some common ones being spouses or family of alcoholics. I was doing so well..my husband was doing so well. So very stable here since the Covid thing started. Sober for 3 weeks or so and now I can feel my anxiety and despair ramping up. I think he discovered today that the liquor stores aren't actually closed. Tonight he said he was going to office to pick up something (after his online AA meeting and has meeting with his counselor tomorrow); totally believable until I discovered he hadn't taken his phone and the last thing he searched was our local liquor store. He must forget that that's how I saved his life last time (and maybe the lives of others). My son said, "mom, use find my iphone" and that's how we found him, passed out crashed into a snow bank"..just a bump really, not a crash but still horrifying what could have happened. My physiology has changed tonight. I can feel the tension and nausea. I want to stop him, to catch him and say "don't do this, you're doing so well." If he is gone too long, I'll have to call police and say I'm worried I guess.
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Old 04-06-2020, 07:33 PM
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So so sorry Olivia. On top of the pandemic, you have to deal with this level of stress over his drinking.

As I'm sure you have been told, you can't stop him if this is what he wants to do. Detaching from an alcoholic when you live with them is super difficult but still doable to a certain extent.

Please let us know how you get on and take care of yourself.
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Old 04-06-2020, 08:45 PM
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Thanks BeKindAlways It was still a peaceful night regardless of the drinking. I thought he had been but he didn't seem drunk and he was sitting talking to me about his AA meeting earlier. Good conversation actually so I said to myself "I must be wrong and that's awesome". I even said that I had been worried and he apologized for not taking his phone. "No worries" he said, "the liquor store only delivers now so you'll know if I have anything". That's not what the site had said when I looked it up earlier. Very peaceful though, in a great mood. Later I heard him in the pantry, came back with a can of root beer (after already having a 1 L pop) so without thinking much, I took a sip. It was so strong that I couldn't even tell if it was Vodka or rum. It felt like a burn on my throat. He had poured the liquor into the root beer can. All I said was , my gosh, that's so strong, I can't even tell what it is. Half hour later he can barely speak and is passed out on the couch. I suppose I took the sip because sometimes I need verification that I'm not crazy. Why do I ever get my hopes up? This is so devastating to me. I really need to find an online al-anon meeting to help me detach. Anyone have a suggestion? I'm in the EST time zone (eastern Canada).
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Old 04-06-2020, 09:03 PM
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Ugh. Kudos to you for looking into online Alanon groups. I hope you find something that helps.

I don't know your story. Someone has probably already told you that Codependent No More is a good read.

Is there anything else you can do to take care of yourself right now and focus on your own issues? In your situation this is way way way easier said than done.
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Old 04-07-2020, 07:28 AM
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I'm sorry Olivia, I'm in the same boat, I know it's not healthy nor does it do any good for me to check and monitor but I really can't stop myself. I too want to know if I'm crazy or imagining things. I have not yet come to a place where I can let it go but I know I need to for my own sanity.
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Old 04-07-2020, 07:48 AM
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If you do a search on You Tube for "Al-anon", there are loads of meetings on there to listen too. I find them an enormous help.

All the best to you.
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Old 04-07-2020, 02:23 PM
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Hi Olivia,

I don't have a suggestion for a particular meeting but a complete list can be found and can be filtered here:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/

You ask:

Why do I ever get my hopes up? This is so devastating to me.
Because you would like it to be. The reality is, it is not and probably won't be for the forseeable future. Not only did he drink he lied to your face, blatantly.

You cannot trust him when it comes to drinking.

Once you accept that you will be more at peace. Of course thinking that way brings it's own challenges, but it's about acceptance. He is a grown man drinking a legal substance, that is his choice. You don't have to like it, that is a fact.

Accept that he is an alcoholic. Accept that he is going to drink. Once you have done that, the rest will fall in to place, because, by accepting that there doesn't have to be any wondering. When you know he is going out, despite what he tells you (because he lies) assume he is going for alcohol (because that is the reality and that's what he does), don't assume he is not, if you do you are setting yourself up and why would you want to do that to yourself?

That is the way to protect yourself.
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Old 04-07-2020, 06:50 PM
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The bottle hiding and blatant lying is a common pattern. Most likely he’s drinking quite a bit more and more often than you think as well.

Moderation is impossible for alcoholics to sustain, even if they have good intentions or really believe they can. It will keep progressing and he will cover and protect his drinking.

Hope your plan B is still in progress OLM. . .
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Old 04-08-2020, 09:09 AM
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Late AH brought his beer into the garage straight from the car. I never knew how big the stash was.

I can't imagine what it would be like if he was still here. I can't imagine how my Mom and Dad would cope if they hadn't passed on.
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Old 04-08-2020, 10:39 AM
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Speaking with my alkie hat on rather than my being married to an alkie hat, us alkies tend to hide our booze as we are hiding it from ourselves.

You often get alkies who live on their own still hiding it.

We need to fool ourselves and keep ourselves in denial to allow us to keep drinking
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Old 04-08-2020, 11:27 AM
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^^^^^^^that is an amazing piece of insight!!!!
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Old 04-11-2020, 11:59 AM
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Being married for 43 years to my AH, yes, I know that sometimes it's Gatorade, sometimes it's his "XXX" (won't say the nickname of the drink for confidentiality purposes)--which means it's laced heavily with vodka.

I've been on this forum for a long time and I check in from time to time. I've lived with alcoholism for many reasons, but needed to check in here today because, yes, I find that coronovirus presents many issues. DH was sober for months before this thing happened. Now there's nothing to do, but he does have access to the state liquor stores. He's drunk as a skunk. It's a challenge to tell him that we should take our garbage to the weekly transfer station. It's a challenge to get him to help with dinner. I look at my phone and he's "offended" that I'm not paying attention to him. When he was sober, just 2 months ago, we checked off so many things on our to-do list. We had a wonderful time. And now, I feel trapped with someone who has nothing to do but drink.

These times make it much harder for us who are living with active alcoholism. It's not as easy to "escape" with social distancing. Not that I would--as I said, it's been 43 years. But many might escape, and should.

Olivia, try to detach. Try to do what you can to self-care. Come to this forum or to any Al-Anon online forum. Use every moment to think through what's best for you, in the short term and in the long term
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Old 04-11-2020, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
Being married for 43 years to my AH, yes, I know that sometimes it's Gatorade, sometimes it's his "XXX" (won't say the nickname of the drink for confidentiality purposes)--which means it's laced heavily with vodka.

I've been on this forum for a long time and I check in from time to time. I've lived with alcoholism for many reasons, but needed to check in here today because, yes, I find that coronovirus presents many issues. DH was sober for months before this thing happened. Now there's nothing to do, but he does have access to the state liquor stores. He's drunk as a skunk. It's a challenge to tell him that we should take our garbage to the weekly transfer station. It's a challenge to get him to help with dinner. I look at my phone and he's "offended" that I'm not paying attention to him. When he was sober, just 2 months ago, we checked off so many things on our to-do list. We had a wonderful time. And now, I feel trapped with someone who has nothing to do but drink.

These times make it much harder for us who are living with active alcoholism. It's not as easy to "escape" with social distancing. Not that I would--as I said, it's been 43 years. But many might escape, and should.

Olivia, try to detach. Try to do what you can to self-care. Come to this forum or to any Al-Anon online forum. Use every moment to think through what's best for you, in the short term and in the long term

Solo I sometimes fear Im heading toward that 43 years. Why do you stay and how do you survive?
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Old 04-11-2020, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post



Solo I sometimes fear Im heading toward that 43 years. Why do you stay and how do you survive?
I just typed a long response and lost it... here we go again

You can probably get a gist of my relationship with AH by reading my previous posts.. but in short, my husband is charismatic and gregarious--very "Trumpian" (but without the money-lol). And me? I'm the classic codependent--my father was alcoholic--left the family when I was 12 and died when I was 18 so I have a slew of emotional baggage around that. But my kids love him. We have an extremely tight family. In spite of his success in business when sober and then loss of his business when he fell off the wagon and all the other ups and downs of the drinking, we have made it through.

Last year (winter 2018/2019) AH was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He was quite sick but came out of it--mostly because he was sober for 7 months. We have two homes--we bought a VT home in 2017/2018. When we went back to our VT house, where we have a lot of partying friends, he fell off the wagon.

When we returned to NJ this winter, we had an awesome time again. Life was predictable. We achieved all of our goals, including seeing our grandkids (if he had been drinking, he would have been persona non-grata there). But back here in VT, again, especially with this coronavirus and my most-likely-alcoholic-son/drinking buddy, he is drinking again.

So, I've ridden the roller coaster of sobriety/active alcoholism. I would never recommend someone take the same course. Remember when Princess Diana said that in her marriage with Prince Charles there were three in the marriage? Well, if you are in an alcoholic marriage you have to be cool with being the "mistress" --not even the wife--in a threesome where alcohol dictates the rules of engagement.

I am severely codependent, so I have done it. He's cirrhotic now, so I feel it's hard for me to escape, and I honestly don't want to at this point. I've been able to bolster myself with a great, self-validating career and volunteer activities that provide me with an outside life. I have made my life around the alcoholism, but I do not recommend living your life expecting that things will get better. They won't without a heroic effort on your part to make your own life. Forget about a real marriage with an alcoholic. It ain't gonna happen.
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Old 04-16-2020, 07:46 PM
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Thank you for your replies everyone. I am so exhausted from this roller coaster but I am learning to detach slowly I think. I don't get mad anymore. I don't search (as much ) anymore. I ask myself why I stay, or how long will I stay. I stay because I think there's hope for him and to abandon him now would feel like I was abandoning my kids. He will always be their dad and they love him. I love him too, I just hate the drinking. If I left, the drinking would sky rocket and god only knows what would happen. Even if I were to move on, the kids would be still attached to him. I think it will be more difficult for them long term than for me. He has so much going for him. I'm hoping this will be his last attempt at moderation. You see, he has finally figured it out. What caused him to drink so much was his communication (this is the story I listened to last Saturday). He lied to me about how much he was drinking, so then he had to guzzle down liquor in secret because it was too embarrassing, so if he was upfront and cut out the liquor, voila! No more drinking problem - social drinker like many of his friends. I'm nodding in disbelief that he's actually going down this road again. Anyways, he managed to go three nights sober and tonight, well, we're back to the lies and passing out again. Praying for patience and that he doesn't have to hit rock bottom again.
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Old 04-16-2020, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
The bottle hiding and blatant lying is a common pattern. Most likely he’s drinking quite a bit more and more often than you think as well.

Moderation is impossible for alcoholics to sustain, even if they have good intentions or really believe they can. It will keep progressing and he will cover and protect his drinking.

Hope your plan B is still in progress OLM. . .
What was my plan B again lol? I don't take offence to the lies while drinking anymore - so true, it's very common from everything I read. Also, I don't ask questions. I can see that he is really grieving that his friends can drink normally - he wants to be able to so badly. Anyways, hopefully the sponsor and counselor can get very real with him, if he's able to be honest with them.
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Old 04-17-2020, 12:24 PM
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Plan B is an honest assessment of what you need to be doing for when he is no longer functional. It isn't a question of "if" but "when" and the decline can happen very suddenly with almost no warning.

There are dozens and dozens of such cases here on these threads.
It is very sad that he is grieving more for his drinking than the destruction of his relationship to his family.
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Old 04-17-2020, 03:55 PM
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"He lied to me about how much he was drinking, so then he had to guzzle down liquor in secret because it was too embarrassing, "quack "so if he was upfront and cut out the liquor, voila! No more drinking problem -"quack quack
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Old 04-17-2020, 04:39 PM
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think about what people panic bought the most early on in the pandemic.....
hand sanitzer and toilet paper. and cleaning products.
they felt these were the most "precious" of quantity to have on hand.
not FOOD.

for alcoholics, the emergency MUST HAVE is and will always be alcohol. before food, toilet paper or necessary disinfecting products. as the NA Basic Text says it -

-the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live.
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Old 04-18-2020, 02:17 AM
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Of all the things going on...liquor stores are considered "essential services" in out state. Not that it matters, much, as grocery stores have always sold beer and wine here, and since the Seventies or so, any good sized grocery can sell distilled liquor, too.
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