Hoover or does he care?

Old 04-01-2020, 11:49 AM
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Hoover or does he care?

Ugh! So I got the dreaded text after 35 days NC. He asked how the quarantine was treating me and we chatted via text for a few minutes.
I stayed really dry but was not hostile. He said he wanted to pay me some money next week (for those of you that don’t know , he owes me some money). I didn’t respond to his message regarding paying , cuz why? . Now of course my mind is having fantasies. maybe he has had time to think about how he treated me and has remorse , maybe he really does miss me, maybe maybe maybe ... Grr I’m so mad at myself. I am trying to train my brain that saying maybe is no good . I need to keep reality on the forefront . I really struggle with reminding myself when I go down the slippery slope. Why can I not just get over this person already. I have been regularly attending Alanon, reading up on narcissistic tendencies , forgiveness (mostly how to forgive myself , as of course I have completely forgiven him ) . I’ve read that alcoholics and narcissists have a lot of the same characteristics. What are your all thoughts about that? I waiver between was he just an alcoholic or was he a narcissist. Not sure why I feel like I need to figure it out.. guess I just hope he is an alcoholic , then there is a chance for him to heal and potentially be a happy healthy person. I know I know, don’t worry about him , worry about myself . It just feels like I need to come to terms with what he was so I can move on.

Last edited by horsegirl; 04-01-2020 at 11:50 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 04-01-2020, 12:09 PM
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as of course I have completely forgiven him

you sure about that? cuz you still sound very entangled in his stuff and hoping that he's seen the error of his ways and how he behaved towards you.

also, if you were completely NC, and did not allow incoming texts, you likely wouldn't be all worked up now because he asked how are you doing and mentioned he might want to give you some $$. we have the power to PREVENT much of our own angst...........
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Old 04-01-2020, 12:25 PM
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Ouch!
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Old 04-01-2020, 12:38 PM
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Anvil's response may be "ouch," but it's spot on. You are concerning yourself way too much with him.

My thoughts:

Sounds to me like he was just casting his line to see if he would get a bite. And he did. Just that little bit of contact has you all in a dither about whether or not he misses you, how he is doing, does he have remorse, etc.

This is all my personal opinion from reading your posts, but...if you leave the door open, even a crack, he will worm his way in. He proved it with that one text. You don't need to know more of what he is in order to move on. You already know...he's an addict, a user, a thief, and an azzhole. What more do you need to know?
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Old 04-01-2020, 01:11 PM
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I have a hard time recognizing my feelings as well as getting angry. I am trying to find my anger, apparently I’m not there yet. Agreed, this man is no good , I still have compassion for him and his sickness. This whole relationship did a number on me . The trauma bond is tough to get past.

Last edited by horsegirl; 04-01-2020 at 01:15 PM. Reason: Typos
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Old 04-01-2020, 01:21 PM
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I re read my post . I am not hoping he has seen the error of his ways . I said I am fantasizing for moments , then trying to redirect my thinking to what is reality. I am looking to see if anyone has advice regarding controlling your thoughts and redirecting them to the reality that there are no maybes , there is only the reality. Reality being , I do not want to be with a sick person. Sorry if what I wrote was in some way saying I hoped for anything .
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Old 04-01-2020, 01:36 PM
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Are you seeing a therapist? If not, would you consider doing so? These issues would be better discussed with someone trained in these areas.
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Old 04-01-2020, 02:25 PM
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Definitely a hoover, and the best way to get what you're wanting for yourself is to go strictly no contact. No new contact = no new hurts, as a very wise person on another support board likes to say.
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Old 04-01-2020, 03:31 PM
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Does he care, who knows. But what do you know about him? You know he has treated you very badly, that's a fact.

You know he is an alcoholic and the bottom line is, deep, deep (deep) down inside might be a very nice person. That has been covered very well by alcohol. He can't even choose to do the right thing now - or when you were with him.

I get it, I really do, but to get back in to any kind of romantic relationship with him would only hurt you. He hasn't changed.

If you haven't started a list yet, I took these from your posts:

Wants to spend time with me on non payday weeks and weekends
Doesn't invite me to things then drunk calls at midnight wanting to come over
Ghosts me when I call him on not treating me right
He owes me money he hasn't tried to pay back but says he will
Addicted to gambling
Addicted to alcohol
asked me to pay his phone bill
makes good money , but gambles and drinks away his paychecks
We were supposed to do something on Valentine's Day , but instead he decided to go to the bar at 11:00 am and was drunk by the time i got off work.
Nothing ever was concrete when I was with him

I'm sure you have 50 things you can add.

I don't say these things to add to your hurt, I know how you are feeling. There is nothing fun or happy about being away from someone you had a relationship with, alcoholic or not. There is self preservation though and really that's the key. No matter what you need to put yourself first here, protect yourself.

Remember when you wrote how much the anxiety lessened etc after you were away from him for a bit. I'm pretty sure that's back now he has texted, you can have a more peaceful life and a happier life by distancing yourself.
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Old 04-01-2020, 04:04 PM
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Hi all,
Yes I am seeing a therapist , she is helping with the “maybe” thoughts as well as recognizing my emotions . Trail mix , the list I have one already , but you taking the time and adding to it is so appreciated. I was in a rough patch this afternoon , stinking thinking and all that. I had a good cry , not quite sure why , sadness, anxiety, withdrawals ?? But now am feeling much stronger. This is a tough time for all of us dealing with the loss and or living with an active alcoholic. The loneliness is setting in hard and it’s easy to just sit and ruminate. Rough day , but I will rise and try my best again tomorrow.
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Old 04-01-2020, 06:25 PM
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Hoover, for sure.

Be strong and go No Contact or you might fall back in the pit and end up hurt worse and poorer. You deserve better.
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Old 04-02-2020, 07:03 AM
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Hi.
i am sorry you are going through this I feel for you.

my ex did the same hoover and I thought he cared and thought oh he must love me and thought he had changed.
Within weeks he had gone back to his ways and my anxiety had gone through the roof again, o was so angry at my self for going back to a place that I had escaped from and Trust me it’s hard.
ovet the 6 years o have been back 3 time’s each time not learning and the situation just getting worse his alcohol his abuse just got worse.
In the end I think I realised it was me that needed to change because he was never going to change he knew that I was going to keep having him back not anymore o will never go back I went full NC blocked everything deleted every memory of him and started to concentrate on my happiness.
i listed everything he ever did every horrible comment everything as a reminder of what I got away from.
i even have recordings of him verbally abusing me I won’t delete them there a reminder of who he is and what his become.
your anxiety will start to lift be positive and don’t be fooled by the charm there very clever

take care of you now don’t worry about him x
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Old 04-02-2020, 09:15 AM
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horsegirl…...it has only been 35 days. I think it is not really very realistic to think that you have forgiven him or gotten over the relationship, in this short amount of time. For relationships that we have invested ourselves in....those bonds are not broken in that short amount of time....
You are grieving, no doubt. That would be the natural and normal thing for you to be doing...in fact, it is necessary. And, it is necessary....and it is full of several different emotions....some all at the same time....like a kalidescope.
Crying is part of it also. I cried oceans of tears.
It is normal to go through periods of ruminating about the relationship. Eventually, all of these stages pass...in fits and starts. This happens in a matter of weeks and months....not 35 days! Some days will be pretty good...others will feel like a relapse.
You will eventually detach, emotionally from him.....if you will let yourself and work on your own issues, while you are going through the grieving process.
I think THIS one principle is essential-----try as m uch as you can to look into your own future desires and dreams....spend a lot of time dreaming about your future and what you want.....the more you look to the future, the less you focus on what happened in the past.
I think that the one year mark is a very significant one....because the relationship takes on the feeling of "past history"....not the feeling of "present events", like it is now.

Extremely Helpful Tip******Learn about "Intermittent Reinforcement". You can google "intermittent reinforcement in psychology". It is the most powerful form of reinforcement. Who knew?
That is what happens when he contacts you.....
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Old 04-02-2020, 05:49 PM
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For me, it took me about a good year and a half to be completely over my XAH. What worked for me was no contact. I was determined and I just kept my focus on the short term pain for the long term gain. You can do this. Build your self esteem so you can see that you don’t deserve a mooch.
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Old 04-02-2020, 06:13 PM
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It's a process.

Giving ourselves time, space and awareness are all wonderful gifts for the soul.
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Old 04-04-2020, 03:07 AM
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Firstly, if you take him up on his approach I bet you'll find he wants something from you. Secondly, the chance of him paying you back the money are small to vanishing. Let us know if he comes through.
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Old 04-04-2020, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Firstly, if you take him up on his approach I bet you'll find he wants something from you. Secondly, the chance of him paying you back the money are small to vanishing. Let us know if he comes through.
It’s almost comical at this point . There is absolutely no way he is going to pay me, I’m resigned to that fact. Today I choose not to dwell or think about why he reached out or what he wants, only that I do not want an unhealthy toxic relationship.
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Old 04-04-2020, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Firstly, if you take him up on his approach I bet you'll find he wants something from you. Secondly, the chance of him paying you back the money are small to vanishing. Let us know if he comes through.
It’s almost comical at this point . There is absolutely no way he is going to pay me, I’m resigned to that fact. Today I choose not to dwell or think about why he reached out or what he wants, only that I do not want an unhealthy toxic relationship.
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Old 04-07-2020, 04:02 AM
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35 days is a drop in the ocean. I am 4 months out and still have anger issues regarding what happened to me. I think you are expecting too much of yourself to expect forgiveness in 35 days. There's no point rushing it, forgiveness will come with time.

I had a look through your previous posts, he is both an alcoholic and a gambler right? He tried reaching out to you which could mean a number of things, but the moot point is, is this a relationship that you want. Try to put the onus back on you. It takes practice believe me but I can say from my own experience I feel a lot better for practicing this more in my life.
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Old 04-07-2020, 05:29 PM
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Hi everyone,
Still having good and bad days , hours, minutes lol.
Yesterday I actually had about an hour of peace . I did some journaling and reminded myself of what I want and deserve. Still struggling with the feeling of abandonment , discarded love etc.. I Am trying to sit with these scary feelings and then let them run their course.
Letting go is the next. Obstacle , not sure how to even start that.

Thanks for all you words of wisdom.
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