AwkwardKitty's Accountability Thread
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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AwkwardKitty's Accountability Thread
So, I thought it would be a good idea to start one of these as I've only ever used the newcomers board until now.
My last day 1 was January 1st 2020 so I am just in the early hours of day 90 alcohol free. It's been a rollercoaster ride. I've gone from deep depression to the pink cloud and back to severe anxiety. But I'm here.
A little of my story for those of you who don't know me..
I'm 37 and live in the UK with my husband and young son. Alcohol has been a feature of my entire life. Both my parents have addiction issues. I was raised in and out of foster care, suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I had a turbulent childhood, to say the least.
I have OCD which affects all areas of my life, as well as depression and anxiety. I have frequent episodes of ill mental health.
I drank socially as a teenager and then when I was around 19 started drinking more. I was in a relationship with a much older man who drank heavily and within a few years I was a daily drinker. It was, needless to say, an extremely unhealthy relationship.
I met my husband 10 years ago and we were drinking buddies. However over the years I reduced my daily drinking to 2-3 times a week, but I would binge heavily. My husband drinks but for enjoyment, not in the obsessive way I did.
Just over 5 years ago, my anxiety developed into agoraphobia and, realising how much alcohol was fuelling this, I stopped drinking. A few months later I became unexpectedly pregnant and did not drink again until my son was 4 months old.
I LOVED being a new mum, and honestly, everything slotted into place, I felt like the real me, like I was who I was supposed to be.
Over the next few years, you guessed it, that occasional social drink turned into binging 2 or 3 times a week. It would fuel my OCD thoughts and depression all the time. I was waking up passed out frequently, missing work, neglecting myself, going out at 3am for more alcohol. I made several attempts to quit, the longest being about 36 days.
This, of course, is a brief summary of my alcohol life. It has been a constant feature of my adult life, taking so much more from me than it ever gave.
I quit on January 1st, with a hangover and full of angst and regret. By day 3, I discovered The Alcohol Experiment and really committed. By day 30 I was ready to carry on, and here I am. Month 2 was great, I was really in the pink cloud, loving life and feeling euphoric.
I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment. Juggling everything, dealing with the anxiety of the global situation, being restricted in daily life, not sleeping. I've been craving alcohol for a few days. I've felt close to giving in at points. So I think now is a good time for me to start this thread so I can check in regularly, maybe even daily while I'm feeling so low.
So here we go, day 90. I will not drink today.
My last day 1 was January 1st 2020 so I am just in the early hours of day 90 alcohol free. It's been a rollercoaster ride. I've gone from deep depression to the pink cloud and back to severe anxiety. But I'm here.
A little of my story for those of you who don't know me..
I'm 37 and live in the UK with my husband and young son. Alcohol has been a feature of my entire life. Both my parents have addiction issues. I was raised in and out of foster care, suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I had a turbulent childhood, to say the least.
I have OCD which affects all areas of my life, as well as depression and anxiety. I have frequent episodes of ill mental health.
I drank socially as a teenager and then when I was around 19 started drinking more. I was in a relationship with a much older man who drank heavily and within a few years I was a daily drinker. It was, needless to say, an extremely unhealthy relationship.
I met my husband 10 years ago and we were drinking buddies. However over the years I reduced my daily drinking to 2-3 times a week, but I would binge heavily. My husband drinks but for enjoyment, not in the obsessive way I did.
Just over 5 years ago, my anxiety developed into agoraphobia and, realising how much alcohol was fuelling this, I stopped drinking. A few months later I became unexpectedly pregnant and did not drink again until my son was 4 months old.
I LOVED being a new mum, and honestly, everything slotted into place, I felt like the real me, like I was who I was supposed to be.
Over the next few years, you guessed it, that occasional social drink turned into binging 2 or 3 times a week. It would fuel my OCD thoughts and depression all the time. I was waking up passed out frequently, missing work, neglecting myself, going out at 3am for more alcohol. I made several attempts to quit, the longest being about 36 days.
This, of course, is a brief summary of my alcohol life. It has been a constant feature of my adult life, taking so much more from me than it ever gave.
I quit on January 1st, with a hangover and full of angst and regret. By day 3, I discovered The Alcohol Experiment and really committed. By day 30 I was ready to carry on, and here I am. Month 2 was great, I was really in the pink cloud, loving life and feeling euphoric.
I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment. Juggling everything, dealing with the anxiety of the global situation, being restricted in daily life, not sleeping. I've been craving alcohol for a few days. I've felt close to giving in at points. So I think now is a good time for me to start this thread so I can check in regularly, maybe even daily while I'm feeling so low.
So here we go, day 90. I will not drink today.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi AK
we start threads in this forum and then, when a thread reaches a part 2, then we'll move it to the Daily Support forum
These are difficult times - the things helping me are only checking the news once a day, and doing some kind of exercise every day, even if you can;t, or shouldn't go outside.
I have a stationary bike...I saw some guy ran a marathon on his balcony.
It needs some imagination but I think it's possible to make life as life affirming and healthy as possible.
we start threads in this forum and then, when a thread reaches a part 2, then we'll move it to the Daily Support forum
These are difficult times - the things helping me are only checking the news once a day, and doing some kind of exercise every day, even if you can;t, or shouldn't go outside.
I have a stationary bike...I saw some guy ran a marathon on his balcony.
It needs some imagination but I think it's possible to make life as life affirming and healthy as possible.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Thanks Dee.
I keep reminding myself of how much worse this would all be if I were drinking.
I agree about the news, I'm trying to limit it to once a day when the government do their briefings. I have also deactivated facebook, because all of the speculation and photos of empty shops and panic posts and people not taking it seriously were fuelling my anxiety.
It doesn't help that I can't do the things that help keep me well, like going for walks in the countryside or swimming or going for hot chocolate with my little boy. But I've been keeping us busy, and we have been doing lots in the house. We're just about 2 weeks in lockdown though and I'm starting to feel the fatigue. Both me and my husband are working from home as well, and I had a period of 3 weeks sick leave due to my depression (caused in part by being overworked for months) so trying to catch up from home is proving tough.
My husband made me a lovely dinner tonight (well last night, its 4am here now) and we were talking about how lucky we are. We are able to work from home, we are able to afford to eat, we were enjoying a delicious meal, we have sky and laptops and tablets and consoles to keep us entertained, my son had a ton of toys. We are both still getting paid. We were thinking about families who just arent as fortunate.
We were saying how this whole thing has stripped everything back to basics. It's made us really appreciate each other and we are definitely more bonded as a family.
I have a lot to be thankful for!
I keep reminding myself of how much worse this would all be if I were drinking.
I agree about the news, I'm trying to limit it to once a day when the government do their briefings. I have also deactivated facebook, because all of the speculation and photos of empty shops and panic posts and people not taking it seriously were fuelling my anxiety.
It doesn't help that I can't do the things that help keep me well, like going for walks in the countryside or swimming or going for hot chocolate with my little boy. But I've been keeping us busy, and we have been doing lots in the house. We're just about 2 weeks in lockdown though and I'm starting to feel the fatigue. Both me and my husband are working from home as well, and I had a period of 3 weeks sick leave due to my depression (caused in part by being overworked for months) so trying to catch up from home is proving tough.
My husband made me a lovely dinner tonight (well last night, its 4am here now) and we were talking about how lucky we are. We are able to work from home, we are able to afford to eat, we were enjoying a delicious meal, we have sky and laptops and tablets and consoles to keep us entertained, my son had a ton of toys. We are both still getting paid. We were thinking about families who just arent as fortunate.
We were saying how this whole thing has stripped everything back to basics. It's made us really appreciate each other and we are definitely more bonded as a family.
I have a lot to be thankful for!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
This thread is a great idea! Check in every day, as often as you like, and gather strength from us. 
I was on here a lot in early sobriety. I knew SR was a safe place for me.
Congrats on 90 days sober!
Check in every day, as often as you like, and gather strength from us. I was on here a lot in early sobriety. I knew SR was a safe place for me.Congrats on 90 days sober!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Good share, AK. The word 'today' is the most important it is. Anxiety over tomorrow, or guilt about yesterday was where I lived a lot of my adult life (and as a kid , truth be known). Being focused on now- difficult to do but whether I set myself one productive thing to do every hour, while the world as I know it is on lockdown, or doing mindful breathing- that may only work as long as I focus on it- it all helps. Using SR as a daily resource- to check in is an excellent anchor for me as well. My support to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Thank you for your support, guys.
It's just gone 5am here and I haven't slept yet. I am suffering extreme anxiety, struggling to breathe or lie down. My left arm feels crooked which has started my worrying and I'm having a prolonged panic attack. Its spiralled into me worrying about having a heart attack and what if I cant get medical help.
I'm dizzy and feeling disorientated, probably because of the tiredness and anxiety but this is spiralling into all sorts of thoughts. I think I might try and call my GP in the morning to see if I can ask for some help.
It's just gone 5am here and I haven't slept yet. I am suffering extreme anxiety, struggling to breathe or lie down. My left arm feels crooked which has started my worrying and I'm having a prolonged panic attack. Its spiralled into me worrying about having a heart attack and what if I cant get medical help.
I'm dizzy and feeling disorientated, probably because of the tiredness and anxiety but this is spiralling into all sorts of thoughts. I think I might try and call my GP in the morning to see if I can ask for some help.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
I hope you got some sleep in the hours since your last post, AK; no doubt that alone will work wonders,
... and medical advice from your GP, if and as needed,
... and I hope you come back to SR if and as needed, as well, for mutual support, and to let off steam perhaps,
... and to share some of the bright spots too, if and as you are so inclined -- like the yum dinner, and maybe a tale or two of your young son's no-doubt illuminating perspectives on these, ... um, interesting times.
Congrats on 90. I'm riding right along with you on the sober train, just one day behind.
... and medical advice from your GP, if and as needed,
... and I hope you come back to SR if and as needed, as well, for mutual support, and to let off steam perhaps,
... and to share some of the bright spots too, if and as you are so inclined -- like the yum dinner, and maybe a tale or two of your young son's no-doubt illuminating perspectives on these, ... um, interesting times.
Congrats on 90. I'm riding right along with you on the sober train, just one day behind.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by jr67 
Congrats on 90. I'm riding right along with you on the sober train, just one day behind.
So I didn't sleep at all, started working at 7am, fell asleep at 2pm. I was trying to stay awake so I would sleep tonight. It's now almost 8pm.
I'm absolutely full of anxiety. My body aches all over. My brain is fuzzy, I feel terrible. I keep having real panicky overwhelmed moments where it all feels too much. My husband is making me some pasta and running me a bath, he's been really supportive. I am going to do some headspace meditation in the bath to bring some peace and calm.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Well, I made it 90 full days 💪
I remember at the beginning looking at the end of January and how far away it seemed, yet here I am with triple that time under my belt. I'm so unbelievably proud of myself.
I had some food and a bath, which wasnt the relaxing treat I imagined, since my 4 year old decided he was getting in too 🤣 but in itself, that's fun and a distraction, life would be so much harder right now without him to focus on and bring joy to every day.
It's just past 1am and I'm going to bed. Going to turn off my phone and just read. I think I might look into some online meetings tomorrow. I've never done AA but I feel like I need something more at the moment.
I remember at the beginning looking at the end of January and how far away it seemed, yet here I am with triple that time under my belt. I'm so unbelievably proud of myself.
I had some food and a bath, which wasnt the relaxing treat I imagined, since my 4 year old decided he was getting in too 🤣 but in itself, that's fun and a distraction, life would be so much harder right now without him to focus on and bring joy to every day.
It's just past 1am and I'm going to bed. Going to turn off my phone and just read. I think I might look into some online meetings tomorrow. I've never done AA but I feel like I need something more at the moment.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
Originally Posted by AwkwardKitty
Congrats to you too! How are you doing?
In brief: I am doing fine on the sobriety front.
In just slightly longer form: My procrastination from some tasks seems to know no bounds. As in: I gotta turn right now to the tasks I promised a colleague that I would have completed last week, then over the weekend, then yesterday ... and now I am dodging his phone calls this morning.
As usual with chronic procrastinators (at least this one), my work product, when I finally get around to it, is fine, which is why people like said colleague put up with the delays, but the internal drama jr causes himself is off the charts.
If anything could push me to break my sobriety streak it would be that internal drama. Aka anxiety, I suppose.
Not this time. Not this day 90.
One day, one breath at a time.
Next sobriety benchmark for jr: A century. (One hundred miles (or kms) on a bike = a century; one hundred days sober = a century).
Next procrastination benchmark for jr: Hit "submit reply" in about ten seconds, then say sayonara to SobeRlandia (and to coronavirus updates) till at least noon (about 3 hours), and focus on the workywork.
Wassup with you today, AwkardKitty, after (I hope) some restful sleep?
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Well done on 90 days JR!
I'm a bit all over the place, to be honest. It's 4am here and I'm wide awake. I fell asleep at 9pm and woke up at midnight. In the morning, I fell asleep at 6am and woke up at 11am. The day before that it was something like 2pm I fell asleep after a completely sleepless night and slept till 7pm.
I suppose at least I'm going in the right direction -I fell asleep at a normal time, I just didn't stay asleep! My anxiety is very strong at the moment, I've been having quite intense panic attacks where I literally feel like I'm suffocating and need to run or escape. Being sleep deprived is obviously not helping the situation at all.
I was thinking about how this situation is making me do things contrary to the normal things I need to do to protect my mental health. So things like being scrupulous about handwashing, not going out, really difficult things that feed into my OCD and agoraphobia. Behaviours we normally need to avoid are now necessary, and I think its messing everything up in my mind. Its triggering my illness that I normally work so hard to overcome every day.
I'm completely overwhelmed by work and not really sure where to even begin tackling everything. I work in special education, and everything is very up in the air at the moment due to the situation. It's making my job very difficult.
But I'm now on day 92 alcohol free. I've never had this long (apart from being pregnant). I am trying to see the opportunity and positives where I can. I am so very lucky and fortunate in so many ways. I have a lot to be grateful for. This is hitting so many other people much harder, but I'm in my cosy home with my lovely family, plenty of good food and entertainment, can safely work from home, no loss of pay, no need to leave the house. I'm terrified and anxious, but as far as lockdowns go, I'm in a good position!
So, I'm in bed but not sleepy in the least. I am going to listen to a meditation on my headphones and see if that helps. I am thinking about getting up and starting my day now. I only need to work 3 hours a day so I could get that in before my son wakes up. I could tidy the house. I've promised him we will make a batcave from cardboard boxes today (I made a Batmobile last week so I've set the bar too high now, he thinks I can just conjure up anything from cardboard!). If I get up now then I could go to bed early tonight, about 7pm and it may help rather than falling asleep now and waking up at midday then trying to fit work in.
Apologies for my ramblings and musing but am finding it really helpful being able to update this thread even if nobody is reading, it feels therapeutic!
Ok have a good day fellow SR-ers!!
I'm a bit all over the place, to be honest. It's 4am here and I'm wide awake. I fell asleep at 9pm and woke up at midnight. In the morning, I fell asleep at 6am and woke up at 11am. The day before that it was something like 2pm I fell asleep after a completely sleepless night and slept till 7pm.
I suppose at least I'm going in the right direction -I fell asleep at a normal time, I just didn't stay asleep! My anxiety is very strong at the moment, I've been having quite intense panic attacks where I literally feel like I'm suffocating and need to run or escape. Being sleep deprived is obviously not helping the situation at all.
I was thinking about how this situation is making me do things contrary to the normal things I need to do to protect my mental health. So things like being scrupulous about handwashing, not going out, really difficult things that feed into my OCD and agoraphobia. Behaviours we normally need to avoid are now necessary, and I think its messing everything up in my mind. Its triggering my illness that I normally work so hard to overcome every day.
I'm completely overwhelmed by work and not really sure where to even begin tackling everything. I work in special education, and everything is very up in the air at the moment due to the situation. It's making my job very difficult.
But I'm now on day 92 alcohol free. I've never had this long (apart from being pregnant). I am trying to see the opportunity and positives where I can. I am so very lucky and fortunate in so many ways. I have a lot to be grateful for. This is hitting so many other people much harder, but I'm in my cosy home with my lovely family, plenty of good food and entertainment, can safely work from home, no loss of pay, no need to leave the house. I'm terrified and anxious, but as far as lockdowns go, I'm in a good position!
So, I'm in bed but not sleepy in the least. I am going to listen to a meditation on my headphones and see if that helps. I am thinking about getting up and starting my day now. I only need to work 3 hours a day so I could get that in before my son wakes up. I could tidy the house. I've promised him we will make a batcave from cardboard boxes today (I made a Batmobile last week so I've set the bar too high now, he thinks I can just conjure up anything from cardboard!). If I get up now then I could go to bed early tonight, about 7pm and it may help rather than falling asleep now and waking up at midday then trying to fit work in.
Apologies for my ramblings and musing but am finding it really helpful being able to update this thread even if nobody is reading, it feels therapeutic!
Ok have a good day fellow SR-ers!!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Well I'm reading
I hope your sleep will settle down. Limiting my news exposure and exercise every day and I usually sleep right through. I'm not taking that granted right now.
D
I hope your sleep will settle down. Limiting my news exposure and exercise every day and I usually sleep right through. I'm not taking that granted right now.
D
Still in bed, its 5am now so I am getting up to make breakfast and do some work. Today's mission - to tire myself out enough so that I sleep tonight! I'm going to aim for an early night and try hard not to fall asleep before!
Have a great day, Dee!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Well guess what, SR-ers? Last night I fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm, woke up at 10.30pm, got into bed and woke up at 9am..I feel so so much better today. Even when the world is crumbling around you, it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you!
It's day 93, I'm sober, I'm rested, I have my family with me, I'm grateful.
It's day 93, I'm sober, I'm rested, I have my family with me, I'm grateful.
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