My best friend has a problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 110
My best friend has a problem
Hi guys,
380 days sober.
I guess I'm just looking to hear if anyone has any similar stories to this one, or perhaps advice on how to handle it?
Well, I have been living with my best friend for about 1.5 months. I knew he drank a fair bit because I used to be his drinking buddy. Anyway, he has been been drinking excessively of an evening since we moved in together. Usually 3 or 4 nights a week and 3 bottles of wine each time (sometimes a whole bottle of 75cl gin on top of that). It wasn't particularly big issue for me at first, however, about a week ago he came into my bedroom at 10am looking emotional and opened up to me a bit, saying he needed to talk to someone because he thinks he's dependant on alcohol. We had a chat and he said "I will have to stop" and I just said "okay". I don't know if it sounds harsh, but it really was that blunt. I have known plenty of other alcoholics as there are several in my family including myself, and I just don't like to "pander" to people (hope that makes sense?). I just mean, if he's gonna do it, he's gonna do it and if he isn't, he isn't. Couple of days ago he said "I've decided to only drink once a week" and again, I simply said "okay". I got home from work last night and he was plastered, saying he was dizzy, asking me to get him water and salt tablets. More fool me for doing it I guess, but anyway, tonight I got back again and he was drunk again. I wasn't necessarily annoyed but it just depressed me to see him stumbling up the hallway in our flat having to hold onto the wall for balance. It's just ... sad. Also, he had a week off with coronavirus symptoms, saying it was a new cough - it was utter nonsense, it was a smokers cough, nothing more. Then on his first day back I was so relieved because he works 9am - 4pm and I wasn't in work til 2pm so had the morning all to myself, but I heard him come back at about 9.45 saying he has been told to stay off work for 12 weeks because he mentioned his asthma. I was a bit confused as I've never seen him use an asthma pump and he said that he hasn't needed to use it since he was a child (he's 30 now). He said "I regret telling them now" and I'm sure that's not true . It's just annoying knowing I cant do much outside the flat what with everything going on in the world right now. I'm so relieved to be a support worker just because it means I can still go out to work!
I can't bring myself to say "look, you have a problem, blah blah blah" because I've seen it said so many times to different people who never change.
Anyway, I guess that's me venting.
Gray.
380 days sober.
I guess I'm just looking to hear if anyone has any similar stories to this one, or perhaps advice on how to handle it?
Well, I have been living with my best friend for about 1.5 months. I knew he drank a fair bit because I used to be his drinking buddy. Anyway, he has been been drinking excessively of an evening since we moved in together. Usually 3 or 4 nights a week and 3 bottles of wine each time (sometimes a whole bottle of 75cl gin on top of that). It wasn't particularly big issue for me at first, however, about a week ago he came into my bedroom at 10am looking emotional and opened up to me a bit, saying he needed to talk to someone because he thinks he's dependant on alcohol. We had a chat and he said "I will have to stop" and I just said "okay". I don't know if it sounds harsh, but it really was that blunt. I have known plenty of other alcoholics as there are several in my family including myself, and I just don't like to "pander" to people (hope that makes sense?). I just mean, if he's gonna do it, he's gonna do it and if he isn't, he isn't. Couple of days ago he said "I've decided to only drink once a week" and again, I simply said "okay". I got home from work last night and he was plastered, saying he was dizzy, asking me to get him water and salt tablets. More fool me for doing it I guess, but anyway, tonight I got back again and he was drunk again. I wasn't necessarily annoyed but it just depressed me to see him stumbling up the hallway in our flat having to hold onto the wall for balance. It's just ... sad. Also, he had a week off with coronavirus symptoms, saying it was a new cough - it was utter nonsense, it was a smokers cough, nothing more. Then on his first day back I was so relieved because he works 9am - 4pm and I wasn't in work til 2pm so had the morning all to myself, but I heard him come back at about 9.45 saying he has been told to stay off work for 12 weeks because he mentioned his asthma. I was a bit confused as I've never seen him use an asthma pump and he said that he hasn't needed to use it since he was a child (he's 30 now). He said "I regret telling them now" and I'm sure that's not true . It's just annoying knowing I cant do much outside the flat what with everything going on in the world right now. I'm so relieved to be a support worker just because it means I can still go out to work!
I can't bring myself to say "look, you have a problem, blah blah blah" because I've seen it said so many times to different people who never change.
Anyway, I guess that's me venting.
Gray.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
You really can't tell him what to do because he has to decide to do this on his own. He's already admitted he has a problem.
You cannot diagnose what kind of cough he has. You don't know if he has asthma or not. It is what it is. Good luck with all of this.
You cannot diagnose what kind of cough he has. You don't know if he has asthma or not. It is what it is. Good luck with all of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by wiscsober 
Alanon meetings for friends and family of alcoholics has helped me. Practicing detachment seems were it's at. Best to you....and good for you with sobriety.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
GaryJ, you're right, you can't force him to change. He does sound like he's getting worse though. I've had people open up to me about their drinking, and you can only be very neutral in your responses. I know from my own experience I had to get to a certain point before I had the motivation to stop, and no-one could have helped me before then.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Personally..I'd mention it once, when he's sober, and then never mention it again UNLESS it started affecting the living together situation.. kinda like "hey.. remember when you came in my room admitting that you needed to stop drinking?... Might want to revisit that mindset..I care about you and can see you're still struggling,as I've been there myself" type thing..
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Congratulations on your sobertime that's excellent. Bravo.
My older brother and good friend is an alcoholic. He drinks vodka by the litre and smokes around the clock. I've tried to talk to him 1000 times but it's like you say.
You could always say look it's hard to live here with your drinking.
Stay sober ✌️
My older brother and good friend is an alcoholic. He drinks vodka by the litre and smokes around the clock. I've tried to talk to him 1000 times but it's like you say.
You could always say look it's hard to live here with your drinking.
Stay sober ✌️
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Hey Gray. That sounds really rough to me. I don't like to be around people who are steaming drunk (I am aware of the irony) and I think you are right, you can't just jump into action and make him change.....
Could you maybe make some suggestions though, of things that have helped you? When I first came here someone suggested Annie Grace's book and that was a massive help in the early days. Maybe just voice your concern and give him some tips.....he did come to you with it first! Good luck
Could you maybe make some suggestions though, of things that have helped you? When I first came here someone suggested Annie Grace's book and that was a massive help in the early days. Maybe just voice your concern and give him some tips.....he did come to you with it first! Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
Hey Gray. That sounds really rough to me. I don't like to be around people who are steaming drunk (I am aware of the irony) and I think you are right, you can't just jump into action and make him change.....
Could you maybe make some suggestions though, of things that have helped you? When I first came here someone suggested Annie Grace's book and that was a massive help in the early days. Maybe just voice your concern and give him some tips.....he did come to you with it first! Good luck
Could you maybe make some suggestions though, of things that have helped you? When I first came here someone suggested Annie Grace's book and that was a massive help in the early days. Maybe just voice your concern and give him some tips.....he did come to you with it first! Good luck
Originally Posted by theVman31
Congratulations on your sobertime that's excellent. Bravo.
My older brother and good friend is an alcoholic. He drinks vodka by the litre and smokes around the clock. I've tried to talk to him 1000 times but it's like you say.
You could always say look it's hard to live here with your drinking.
Stay sober ✌️
My older brother and good friend is an alcoholic. He drinks vodka by the litre and smokes around the clock. I've tried to talk to him 1000 times but it's like you say.
You could always say look it's hard to live here with your drinking.
Stay sober ✌️
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Gray,
As you say, you can't tell your friend what to do. He needs to make his own choices. Hopefully he'll realise that alcohol isn't good for him any more, but there's no guarantee he'll ever change.
I'm more worried about you living with him and your own recovery. Times are beyond strange right now. No matter how solid you feel in your recovery, there's no telling what new tests are going to get thrown at you. While you want him to get sober, it feels like there could be a real risk of being pulled the other way. I'm actually a little bit surprised you moved in together since you had that shared drinking history. It's easy to slip into old patterns when tired and stressed. And these are stressful times.
Perhaps it's worth considering saying something like how you know he mentioned he's worried about his drinking, and you'd be happy to help him get sober if that's what he wants to do, but for the sake of your own recovery, you're not comfortable being around someone who is drinking that much. And if he doesn't want to stop, you'll need to move out (or ask him to leave if he moved in with you). It might sound harsh, but each of us has the right to keep ourselves safe.
This may not be an option right now, depending on where you live and the rules around lockdowns and movement. But these restrictions won't last forever. And possibly just saying that might help him realise his drinking has consequences.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
As you say, you can't tell your friend what to do. He needs to make his own choices. Hopefully he'll realise that alcohol isn't good for him any more, but there's no guarantee he'll ever change.
I'm more worried about you living with him and your own recovery. Times are beyond strange right now. No matter how solid you feel in your recovery, there's no telling what new tests are going to get thrown at you. While you want him to get sober, it feels like there could be a real risk of being pulled the other way. I'm actually a little bit surprised you moved in together since you had that shared drinking history. It's easy to slip into old patterns when tired and stressed. And these are stressful times.
Perhaps it's worth considering saying something like how you know he mentioned he's worried about his drinking, and you'd be happy to help him get sober if that's what he wants to do, but for the sake of your own recovery, you're not comfortable being around someone who is drinking that much. And if he doesn't want to stop, you'll need to move out (or ask him to leave if he moved in with you). It might sound harsh, but each of us has the right to keep ourselves safe.
This may not be an option right now, depending on where you live and the rules around lockdowns and movement. But these restrictions won't last forever. And possibly just saying that might help him realise his drinking has consequences.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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