Karivan

Hi everyone. I just wanted to rant and rave again. My AH still isn't drinking, it's been almost 2 months. He's not the easiest person to live with though. Can I say this and not get yelled at? I think I can say what I feel on this board even when I know it's not right. I wish he would drink so I could kick him out. Something... Anything... cheat on me... move away just leave!!!!

I planned on painting the living room over the long weekend so Friday I got the supplies and getting him to help was like pulling teeth. It's his house too!! Anyway, by Friday night I was tired, angry, dirty and we weren't finished. It turned out really bad and I had to completely repaint the living room on Sat. and Sun. (it's so pretty now ) I let him back into our bed because there wasn't any place for him to sleep with stuff everywhere and then he wanted a wham bam thank you ma'am! We haven't had sex since July and haven't even slept in the same bed since Sept. and he didn't even try to be romantic or loving, he just wanted to get off! Now, he's back in our bed and trying every night. The thought makes my skin crawl. I told him I thought he was completely selfish and he said I was selfish for not having sex with him. It's all about him.

I'm trying to detach and stick to my boundaries. I'm trying to work the steps but it feels like he's not trying at all. He isn't going to AA and even the counselor said that he doesn't know what his issues are. We're going to counseling seperately this week and then the therapist wants us there together. I have to bring up the sex next time because I can't bear the thought of him touching me. There were too many drunken times with him trying for it and it's hard to forget.

So tell me what to do... how do I get him out of my bed again? How do I make him understand that the only reason he's still living here is because he's in counseling and not drinking? It's not because I want him here... it's because it's the last time I'll try to keep us together.

Thanks for reading this long post. Sometimes I feel if I didn't have my friends at SR I'd lose my mind.

gelfling

Wow Kari,

What a post. It made me laugh because my mind came up with several things you could do and say that would get him out of your bed. Of course, I can't say them here for fear of getting banned. Or, you could move to another bedroom and gradually relocate all of the things in his room to yours. That's one option. I think he would take the hint.

You said, "How do I make him understand that the only reason he's still living here is because he's in counseling and not drinking? It's not because I want him here... it's because it's the last time I'll try to keep us together." Have you actually told him this. If you brought this up at your next therapy session, the impact could hit home. That's what I did when I had an issue with my AH. I brought it up in therapy and it seemed to click.

Take care, Kathy

Karivan

LOL!!! Thanks for the laugh. I'll tell you something though. I don't want to move to the other bedroom because the bed is too uncomfortable! I figure, he screwed up, he drank our marriage into the toilet... he can have the uncomfortable bed!

myselfagain

How does this sound:

The living room is done, everything is back where it belongs except you dear. Now go back to where ever you were sleeping before.
Sound about right?
Good luck

Dee at Mt Bully

This all really hits home. Somehow the lack of beer breath just doesn't really fix things now does it. I haven't accomodated my AH since last Fedruary and haven't let him
sleep in the same bed since June. I did bring the whole thing up in counseling and I
think it was the most fun the counselor had in a long time. My AH mentioned something
about soap and I thought she would loose it. She didn't laugh out loud but I could
tell she wanted to. Fortunately we have two houses on our property so now since
August we don't even live in the same house. It's pretty strange--he pops his head into my place and lets me know He's going somewhere and other than that we kinda
just whatch each other come and go. It's almost paradise after 10yrs of AH. He has
been sober for about 8 weeks with 2 or 3 slip ups--I don't have much hope though because he refuses to have any support system. It's important to make yourself feel safe and comfortable so I hope you do what you need to. Smiles---Dee

Magichappens

Kari,
I know this may be a strange idea, but if your at the end, why not try focussing on you. If you wanted to paint the living room, and you did it, what does it matter if he wanted it or not? Why it so important for him to do what you want? Why not just focus on what you want, and let him be? Why let him control how you feel?

Other people choose what they want. Why can't we? Are we so dependent on others that we can't just live and be happy? I don't like it when the people in my life struggle and aren't happy, but I have a choice whether to let it suck me in or not. I don't have to keep trying to make them live the way I want them too so that I will be ok.

I focussed so much of my attention on Mr Magic that I couldn't focus on me at all. I neglected my emotional, physical, and financial well being and then blamed him for me not being happy. When I started focussing on myself, things started getting better. I started taking care of me, and stopped blaming others. I started making better decisions about my life. I started doing things that I wanted to do, and stopped waiting for someone to rescue me. I stopped dreaming about running away from my life. I found people who understood and supported me.

Living with an alcoholic is not easy, but it doesn't have to be a hellish nightmare. I used to think that if he would just quit, everything would be ok. Then I thought if he would just change, everything would be ok. I finally realized that there would always be an "if only" until I changed.

There is a lot of help for us if we want it. Al-Anon works if we work it. We get out of it as much as we are willing to put into it. And it takes time. No quick fixes. No guarantees that our loved ones will change, or life will all of a sudden get wonderful. We can run away for a while, but my experience is that I kept ending up miserable until I decided to face me, and do the work.

Like you said, this is the last effort, so what have you got to loose by taking the focus off him? If it doesn't work, you will be gone anyway. He may not change, but you can. Hugs, Magic

wraybear

When you have a home, every family member should be expected to take care of the home. I hope to not offend, but some of us get very agitated with doing EVERYTHING around the house. Not just the day to day cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, but maintenance too. Maintenance includes painting, etc.
I feel like I should be able to expect a family member to help around the house. I give my kids chores and expect them to pick up after themselves, etc. If you've read the Five Languages of Love, one of the love languages is "acts of service" - you're darn right I want someone to help me paint my living room... that would fill my love language tank for a month! When you have a home, you should expect every family member to take care of the home. But that's right, i forgot... they are addicts, so we should have no expectations!

Karivan, just FYI - i have three high school buddies that I still hang out with and they just started painting together. I couldn't make the last one, but the hostess picked a room, everyone met at her house on a Saturday afternoon, painted till complete, then had a nice dinner together. They have offered to come to my house next!
Have any old friends you could invite over next time?

best

Kari

Till he was ready to stop the drinking, he wouldn't stop.
Till he figures out what selfishness is and the fact it isn't all about him, that won't stop either.
The step work of AA is one tool to help him grow and find balance of life.
A good bible study and reading the word is another way to find said balance.
My wife wanted the living room painted...she painted it. She has realized she would rather keep her teeth (no more pulling)and just get it done. Finds it is easier.
As far as other things... I try to remember to put her first. Think of her needs before my own. I am not perfect but am so much improved. As I was reading the bible and learning, I started to grow. What I found is the same lessons I learned from the bible are the same lessons the 12 steps teach as well.
Till he comes to an understanding that it isn't all about him... you keep doing to take care of your own emotional needs. If that means painting by yourself...then paint. Nothing moved me faster then the guilt of seeing her do stuff as I slept in. Plus she was using my tools wrong *LOL*
Continue to do what you know is right and good for your family and self. Maybe try to guide him towards a men's bible study at your church and let the Lord take care of him.

Cap3

Ditto,to all the above.
Im gonna,focus on,expectations...if i may.Expectations,can become for me, premated,resentments.The more expectations that i have of others.The lower is my serenity,when they dont do what i want or expect,them to do.I may believe and also have every..right..to have expectaions,of my love ones.But if they dont do,what im expecting them to do,then what can i do???Couldnt make another stop drinking.Cant make another,take out the vacuum,or help out.Acceptance,although i dont like it,acceptance is the key to serenity..This is the person that im loving,married to.Seeing them for what and how they really are,not who i wish that they were.NOT easy.And they are probably,too wishing also that i was someone they were wishing for.and im not.lol..But if im to have any serenity,what else can i do?I cant control.Change,others.I can only become sick if i try to make others do what i truly believe that they ..should,,be doing.There are also, non-alcoholic,hubs,,who dont help or clean up,around the house,too...A friend of mine,who is not dealing with addiction,no alcohol,,none of that "stuff" complains to me all the time,about the lack of interest,of her hub,and not helping out, out with the kids,house,,etc...There are times that i forget,and have almost blurted out to her,to come to an al-anon meeting with me.Learning recovery,not matter what others are doing...smile....

Magichappens

Wraybear,
I know how frustrating it is to live with an alcoholic. I just got tired of being disappointed, angry, and in self pity all the time. I have a choice. I started attending Al-Anon and surrounded myself with positive people who helped me take responsibility for me. I could have left my situation. But I chose to stay. So it was my responsibility to make the best of it.

Being angry, manipulative, bossy, and hostile didn't make him change one bit. All it did was make me an unhappy person. All I am saying is that we have a choice. We can get ok with the situation and accept that the person we are focussed on isn't going to do what we think they should, and make our decisions based on that reality. We can then get on with the business of finding serenity. Or we can continue to see our life as a burden, and convince ourself that we are a victim. That means that we are stuck, and always will be. I don't accept that choice today.

So what if things don't get done when and how I want them. I refuse to let that ruin my life anymore. Hugs, Magic

Karivan

Thanks everyone. I'm working on step 2 right now so I'm not very far along and detaching to the point of working on myself and not him is still a struggle for me. I detach... then watch him try to deal with it, then worry that he's angry at me! Jeez... I'm so used to trying to interpret his feelings that it's hard to stop. He was doing the "read my mind" manipulation last night and I asked him to just come out and say what he wanted. I may not say Yes to it but at least I would know what he wanted without trying to read his mind. He said something sarcastic about my never saying yes.

It doesn't fix it, Dee. He's still the same guy, just sober. I don't get along with him very well either way. I'm finding out that there are a lot of other issues that we need to deal with, not just the drinking. Drinking just covers up the other problems in our life.

I'm going to paint the hallway next and this time, I'm picking the color and doing it when the time is convenient for me. Magic, you are so right when you said to take the focus off him and put it on me. I'm the one that cares how the house looks. It would fall down around him if it were up to him. I still want to run and I still dream about living on my own but for now I'll go to counseling, read my books, work the steps, and talk to you guys.

Magichappens

Kari,
You may decide that you want to move on. But that day isn't today. So try to find as much happiness as you can where you are. Paint your hallway and be happy with it! Do what makes you happy, and talk to people who support you. Hugs, Magic