Meraviglioso

Never mind.

Abraham

hi mera. I am not qualified to help with this in any way but I dont think there is anything wrong or odd about your thoughts. These are unprecedented times and I'm sure there will be unprecedented thoughts. The human mind is complex and we all have some very odd thoughts at times. Its quite normal. Hopefully he will be just fine

daisy1

I'm thinking about my ex and also about drinking too, and I haven't for months and months. We are all surrounded by fear and I'm assuming it's making parts of my psyche fire off things that aren't necessarily real or rational. I'm treating it like PMS, it's not real they are only thoughts xx

prettiekittie

JK130

I missed your original comment, but know that I have been thinking of you. I wish peace and good health for you and your family.

Anna

Mera, we're all going through such difficult times right now. Please know we understand and we're here for you. I'm so glad that things appear to be turning around a bit now in Italy.

lessgravity

What's up Mera?

Hawkeye13

Sending you support Mera

Aellyce

Hi Mera,

I'd read your past posts about this story. I personally never experienced an obsession with my therapists, more with therapy itself and self-analysis (and using therapy/people knowledgeable about psychology for that) in the past - they are different issues. But I met many people who experienced intense obsessions with their mental health providers that felt very person-focused for them. Some of them find it helpful to discuss it extensively with another mental health provider (if they keep seeing one), others say talking about it much just keeps the obsession going and expands and/or transfers it... and everything in between.

One thing that seems quite common from what I have seen is that "saying goodbye" (anticipated closure) does not seem to help many - I think many people in similar situations feel as though it would help, but it's not the case when they actually do it (when the provider allows it). Instead, it often makes the obsession worse and prolongs is. Another trend I see is that often those who obsess this way for a long time (sometimes years after the end of seeing the person) don't have satisfying real relationships. They intensely crave but often fear them at the same time. People often discuss this in the context of certain attachment styles/patterns. Often such obsessions are associated with long-term relational problems and/or an intense desires to be heard and taken care of - I am sure you have read/heard enough about these things, Mera.

Has the desire for the psychologist surfaced just recently, in association with the current isolation and stress? Or has it always been there since your experience with him? Is this desire a specific trigger for your alcohol cravings, or just part of a big stress complex?

I see people in similar situations describing the same, that they care deeply for their psych provider (current or former)... but is it truly caring for those people, or something imaginary? In any case, I am sorry you are experiencing even this on top of everything else. Does it help to remember that it is a fantasy... whereas drinking is a practical act that will compromise you in much worse and in many more ways?

ETA: I've just seen after posting that you deleted the OP, Mera. So I wanted to delete my response as well at first, but decided to keep it - mods can get rid of it if you prefer and request. I often see it helps people a lot to discuss similar things with peers who get it, it can help more than talking with the object of the craving him/herself.

Lixie

I read your original post, Mera. I won't go into details, just let you know that these thoughts are common. Don't freak out. I'm thinking of you.

entropy1964

No, now don't do that What's up? Maybe it'll help to just blurt it out. I mean, I 'know' what's up from your other posts. But this has that drinking feel to it.

Hang in there Mera. This will pass.

SoberLeigh

Mera, I didn’t catch your OP.

Please don’t let what is ‘wrong’ or bothersome lead you to drink. Drinking doesn’t solve whatever is wrong or bothersome but it does tend to strip us of what is good.

thomas11

Mera?

Dee74

I missed the original post - but I'm wishing you well Mera.

I don't doubt right now many peoples minds will go to places they shouldn't - we want comfort and to feel safe and unworried..and thats natural...but I think that self respect and self welfare should always be determinants too.

we know what is right and good for us and what is not?

D

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

I so missed your original post, just checking I. To let you know I’m thinking about you. Sending lots of love your way my friend.♥️

Meraviglioso

Well, I deleted my post because I was embarrassed, but I am glad you left your response up because it is extremely helpful to read and was written so kindly, I thank you for that.

I guess I should explain, it was rude of me to post and then delete.
Most know the lame, boring story of my old psychologist. To quickly summarise I fell in love with him. I have been in therapy long enough to know about transference/counter-transference, so I simply told him how I felt. He said it was ok, he knew, and we could still work together. Our sessions became more of just two friends (or lovers?) chatting than real therapy. He would always give me the last appointment of the day 8pm or 9pm which meant we could always go over the hour, which we always did, one time we ended up talking for two hours about books, music, sex, whatever. His office did not feel clinical, it was a nice old room with low lighting, in the evening it felt romantic and I could definitely feel sexual tension and attraction between us. I am not crazy, I am not making this up. At one point I couldn't take it anymore, I knew it was wrong and I told him I needed to stop seeing him as I only came to him because I loved him. He said ok. But after a month I called him and said I couldn't stay away, he took me back as a patient. It just got worse and worse. I would give him gifts, with love letters that he would read and cry. He would make suggestive comments about what we could do together. He even told me that he loved me. We would chat on WhatsApp in between session, sharing jokes and flirty comments. An then one day I sent him a message asking him about my medication and he replied "you need to find a new doctor, I can't see you anymore, don't come to the next appointment" I begged him for a chance to have one last session to talk about what was going on, say goodbye, give me a chance to grieve, but he refused.
I lost my mind. Really and truly lost my mind. For several years I would occasionally write him but he of course blocked me.
I am now over it, in that I am not in love, I have had enough therapy since to know that what happened was wrong- on both our parts and unhealthy. I get it.
At first is was just the grieving process and confusion and hurt and heart-break. Now it is like when you get a song stuck in your head and it is just offing annoying. I DO NOT want to waste anymore time or energy on him (or money paying other therapists to talk about him!) . But I cannot get him out of my head. I have good periods, weeks at a time when I don't really think about him. But then it comes rushing back and there is no other word to describe it, it is an obsession, unhealthy and crazy and as much as I want it to go away- like that annoying song stuck in your head- I can't get rid of these thoughts, dreams, whatever. ENOUGH!
I haven't seen him in three years, I don't know where he lives, I have not been by his office (except one time, one year after he fired me, I went to talk to him. He was angry but allowed me five minutes. He explained he never loved me, it was all in my head, I needed to move on. As I was leaving he called out "wait, Mera, remember not all men are like me" Which I have no idea what he even meant by that...) I cancelled his number from my phone, threw away all my old agendas that I had been keeping which listed all of our appointments. I am really trying to be healthy and strong but these thoughts, jesus, I just wish they would stop!

Wastinglife

I know what it's like to hold a torch for someone. I was in a college program in my younger years and fell head over heels for a girl in my work group. We did all our projects together (team of 4) for 8 months. Never worked so hard on school projects in my life because I wanted to impress her. I don't think she ever knew how attracted to her I was. She never gave any indication that she had any interest in me so never pursued anything.

I understand the obsessive thoughts. Intrusive to the point you can't concentrate on anything else. Unrequited love is hard get over. I got over actual ex-girlfriends who I had been with for years much, much easier. (I actually sent the woman I am referring to a Facebook message last year, a light-hearted message. After 20 years!! Haha)

We're only human. Can't help who we fall for...

Aellyce

Thanks for sharing all that, Mera. I imagine that most people had a version of this story - not necessarily with psychologists/doctors, but anything else we found appealing. My own version in my youth was a long string of getting attracted to teachers and mentors of all kinds - another very common pattern. A long string of them. Interestingly, when I got older, my pattern came back to hit me from the other side in my own professional experiences with mentoring people! Only shows how common and normal it is... I could talk about stories a lot but probably better not, because this is not a psychology forum and I don't want to be triggering with stories. There were big challenges and also mistakes in both sides of my experiences; I know how tricky it can be so I understand the irresistible appeal, ethical dilemmas (and desire to ignore them), boundary breaking, and all that. The good thing, for me, is that I was able to really dig deeply into my pattern and understand where it comes from and what purpose it has served in my life - because, for me, it was a very important part of my self-development. As I said in my previous post, I think there are quite a few different reasons and underlying mechanics of why and how people experience these things, not only the ones most psychotherapists tend to toot. My version, for example, did not fit in those textbook patterns at all and I also ran into people misperceiving and misunderstanding it - so I concluded it is better not to talk about it unless I am 100% confident someone has a very open mind and ability to think outside of the old-fashioned psychology box, dogmas and stigmas.

It sounds like you did all the right and healthy things indeed As for what I bolded: perhaps he had a series of experiences that he was not proud of but aware of them anyway... The way he managed it in the end shows, IMO, that he was still unable and unwilling to face/manage his issues and misconduct properly. Perhaps that's what he meant by "not all men are like me"? You will never know, but it is certainly true: there are plenty of more mature men (and women) with better self-control, more evolved professionalism, even if they had to learn it in the hard way.

And I am not surprised that a desire for contact with the psychologist and for drinking are associated and can trigger one-another - both are intense forms of craving for something momentarily intensely wanted but ultimately very unhealthy. I had a period in the past, during my relapse in 2017, when I would go to my therapy appointments and right into the liquor store, followed by getting hammered at home and sending emails with long rambles to my therapists. Plural, because I juggled two at the time. My expressions and communications with them were not romantic as I didn't have those feelings, just lots of drifting all over the map and mostly useless/excessive analysis. Luckily, I came to my sanity relatively quickly, stopped seeing the therapists, stopped drinking, then focused on my real problem and never went to therapy or drank again. I did have urges to write emails to one of my ex-therapists though, for a long time. I did, for a while, and one of them handled the whole thing very professionally and in a minimalistic way. Then stopped responding after a few rounds. The other one handled it horribly and we ran into a series of really ugly conflicts, all via email... that guy was seriously effed up and even dangerous with surprisingly little realistic sense of self and awareness, I think. I stopped all contact with him shortly after and I am glad I didn't follow my urges and his invitations to go and discuss it with him in person!! In this sense, I think it is probably the best that your former psychologist stopped "feeding you", what was not the best practice is stopping in such an abrupt and insecure manner... but you have emerged from it with lessons and victory, Mera.

Please don't drink, all these cravings can go to hell!

Meraviglioso

You are the absolute best! I have gotten more out of your two posts to me than I have from three years of continued therapy rehashing this same old story again and again. My poor therapists, they must absolutely loathe my appointment hours! But I sure as hell have not made the same mistake again. I have seen two different male therapists since him and absolutely have kept a very strong boundary on my end and thankfully they have done the same. I won't even shake hands.

entropy1964

Hey Mera

I remember that time period for you. Very tough.

Someone has probably already said this but you could probably take your post, substitute alcohol for the therapist, same story right? Or at least that's my story with alcohol.

Thank you for sharing.