Icemelon

We have been together for 2.5 years. He was addicted to cocaine/crack/ketamine when I met him but stupidly I thought I could help him to fix things. I didn't realise the extent of the problem.
I realised things weren't right when he was exhibiting abusive behaviours. The main problem was paranoia. He just didn't trust me and would accuse me of cheating if I didn't answer calls, call me *****/**** etc, said he could tell I had been with someone else when we were intimate. He said people told him things about me and that his mates said I was "good for it".I felt physically threatened at times.
But then he would change his behaviour for a while and be loving and attentive for a while and I think during these times he was off the drugs.
I loved him when I saw that side of him and so I tried to forget the other horrible behaviour. He was still a bit paranoid but more in control of it.
He agreed to go to drugs counselling but he didn't bother to keep it up and he slid back into drugs.
He lost his job and fell out with his family. He then started to go to NA meetings which he said really helped and he didn't want to use with their support.
But all his friends use drugs and every time he would see them he would to. So I was constantly nagging about his friends, didn't want him going to clubs etc. I became this negative nagging person in his eyes.
The NA meetings fell by the wayside eventually. He was given citalopram by his doctor but no counselling or treatment. He said that he no longer felt the need to do drugs and felt able to do them only occasionally/recreationally.
I knew that this isn't possible for an addict but I was so tired of nagging by then I tried to resign myself to believing he could control it.
Anyway, the paranoia got worse whenever he used and he would play mind games gaslighting me and accusing me, I would react and it got ugly sometimes. It was weird because hours after these awful attacks he would be fine and say I was just being negative when I was upset about it. I tried to just stay away from him when he was using but soon i felt I was hardly seeing him.
He stood me up recently for a date and was working away after that and I think he was using then as I barely heard from him. He didn't make it home for my birthday and that just felt like the final hurt.
I told him how I felt about it by text, not in the nicest way I guess. He didn't say sorry just offered to post my gift and said I was being unreasonable.
I just didn't reply to him. This was a week ago and we haven't contacted each other. I'm trying to be strong but I'm feeling sad today.
Like everything was just left up in the air. I want to talk to him but I know there'll be no understanding and nothing will change.
I know I can't make him change or control anything. I tried believing him that he wasn't using much but the paranoid episodes tell me he was. And I know he was contacting his dealers all the time.
Is he in denial?
Sorry, this post is rambling. I just wanted to vent and hopefully gain some perspective.
I know its best for me to cut ties but I just feel stuck and still always thinking about everything. I can't help feeling guilty that I made it worse somehow.

FeelingGreat

Hi Icemelon, my first reaction was to think you need to educate yourself about how the addict thinks and acts and how not to buy into it, but my second was that now you are broken up with him you have the chance to cut contact permanently.

At some point you bonded with the nice side, and that kept you there during the abusive stage. You have an opportunity now to go through the pain for your own long term health. He is on his own journey where he might find help or he might choose to keep going as usual. He's stopped any effort for recovery, so you have a great clue about where he's at.

Without doubt the quickest way for you to recover from your addiction to him (did you ever think you'd put up with abuse like you have?), is to block him on all forms of contact such as your phone and social media. A few weeks will give you perspective on him and your relationship.

Al-anon and Nar-anon are set up for the families and friends of addicts and many people here have gained a lot of benefit from going to their meetings. This forum is a great resource as well.

Icemelon

Thanks for your reply. I knew I couldn't carry on like it was. The abusive behaviour made me feel like I was distancing from him naturally, but every time he would be nice again I would try to forget about that.
I've never had anyone question my morality like that.
I know it was the right thing for me to do, but there's a part of me that is sad that he could just never deal with his addiction. The fact that he hasn't even acknowledged my feelings hurts. I know he can't really have loved me as he said.
I do know about the nature of addiction too, but it's like I have been brainwashed all the times he said he was doing better and his behaviour improved for a while.
He has been using drugs for 20 years, and known me for 2, so what hope did I have really.
I just keep denying my own feelings. And I know I could probably make up with him and it'd be ok for a while...but I get feelings of resentment every time he associates with drug people. But that's who he is.

trailmix

Yes, that is who he is and it's a really good thing that you are accepting it. You may not like it or wish he was different, but that doesn't make it so, as you know.

If it is any consolation, he probably did/does love you to the best of his ability. The question is, is that enough for you?

For an addict the drugs will always come first, always, until such time as they decide they have had enough. He obviously hasn't had enough. Not every addict seeks recovery, some will be that way all their lives, it is their choice. He is not drugging at you, he is just drugging, it is who he is.

You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Ideally with your love and support and your attempts to maintain a relationship with him he would seek treatment, but that's not the case here and rarely is that I have seen. Ideally (for him) he could have a relationship with you AND all the drugs he wants, however since he has to make a choice - well you know how that works.

The absolute best way to move through this is to start looking after yourself. You know all that love and care and worry and etc that you bestowed on him, how about focusing that back on yourself. Breaking up with someone is hard, it hurts and you will get through it, but it will also be tough and sad. Taking care of yourself is your way through this.

Do things you like to do. Make a list of all the terrible things he has said and done and keep that list with you all the time. Refer to it whenever you start thinking about the "good times", even if that is 20 times a day or more.

There is a reason you were not happy in this relationship, time to look after you?

Icemelon

Thank you. I haven't been happy for a while, I just can't see my future with someone who constantly will let me down to use. I couldn't imagine having kids with him either.
He says he feels great when he's not using, and he's trying..but I think maybe he never has abstained for any length of time. He's unwilling to change his social circle too.
I just feel bad how things have been left, I didn't give him much chance to explain. I knew Id just be manipulated again. He's impossible to have a real conversation with as he just says I am unreasonable, depressive etc. The drugs and accompanying lifestyle have just destroyed everything and its so sad.
And the paranoia he gets is quite delusional, which is scary, so I know I need to keep myself safe. His sister tried to section him once, but he is good at talking his way out of things.
I'll just keep doing my own thing. I'm going to have to be straight with him if he ever does get in touch. I'm not sure he will this time, as I think he saw the writing on the wall too.

trailmix

Good for you for thinking this all through, it is truly helpful.

The further you get away from the chaos the better it might seem though, that's why it's important to keep the dysfunction of it all uppermost in your mind.

You know, to him you probably are unreasonable. Why can't you just put up with the drugs and anger and moodiness and being the whipping post and etc etc. To him that is his life, it's his "normal", so with such a long history of drug abuse, he probably really can't see your point of view.

He doesn't have a real problem with his drug use, you do.

It's sad! And I am really sorry you got hurt in all of this.

Icemelon

I think he has one of his drug friends staying with him right now, so they're probably happily getting high whilst I'm feeling sad.
I barely hear from him when he is with these people, it was one of the issues I had during our relationship.
I have been reading lots of books to empower myself. I know I can't talk to him, he never really opens up about his addiction either.
Just got to look after myself I guess. I will come out of the other side eventually.

zoso77

Hey...

Now that you're clear of this, it's important that you allow yourself to heal and, when you're ready to, assess all that has happened. It will soon become apparent that what you did or didn't do had no impact on what he did or what his choices were. For the addict, addiction is a closed loop feedback system where the only variable is what they want, not what others expect of them.

So take a breath and do some reading here. You'll understand what myself and others are saying in due course.

NB: I noticed your use of the term "mates" to describe his friends. That tells me you're in the UK. As the prime minister has just announced a three week lockdown, please be safe and follow the guidelines the PM has established regarding leaving your house.

Oh, and Welcome to the Board.

HeadEast

Ending a relationship sucks, but life goes on and it gets better (in your case a whole lot better). Don't look back and don't analyze things. Just look forward.

Icemelon

Yes, I know I must stop analysing. It's hard but hopefully it will pass in time. I guess I just still feel connected to him. I think I hoped by ending things, it might have given him some kind of wake up call. No doubt others have tried this with similar success.
But things just couldn't have gone on as they were. I was feeling more and more resentment towards him the more I felt neglected, doubted and accused.
I'm just the kind of person he wants to be around ultimately. It's hard to accept that.
He has been abusing cocaine and ketamine for most of his life so I stood no chance really.
Yes, I'm in the UK. This lockdown and crisis has made things feel even more strange. Like its a time of endings and beginnings somehow.
With the lockdown in place, it makes you realise the importance of the good people in life. And not to waste time who ultimately don't care enough.
Hope you are all safe wherever you are.

trailmix

The time of analyzing, for some, has to happen. I'm like that as well, I don't know if it's personality type or what but until I have some answers, my mind keeps prodding me.

So I research until I have the answers.

That might help you, especially reading around SR. There is a forum here for friends and family of alcoholics which is busier than this one and you might find some threads enlightening:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There are also many threads stickied at the top of the forum, I'm sure you will find some of them helpful, especially these:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Understanding what you were up against is helpful I think. A relationship with an addict (be that alcohol or other drugs) is not a "normal" relationships and norms just don't apply. It can also help you from getting in to that situation again.

Feel free to post in the F&F of alcoholics forum as well, addiction is addiction and we are all here for support.

Stay safe.

Icemelon

Thanks, I will check out those links. I've been reading around quite a bit on the forum. I found a few posts where others had experienced their cocaine addicted partner being paranoid and jealous. And it sounds as though it's a very hard drug to quit without professional help.
I had a nice day yesterday and put him right out of my mind, and then at night it came over me again.
I guess I had expected him to reach out by now, maybe tell me what I wanted to hear like he usually does. I know its false anyway though.
I just feel like I didnt really tell him my feelings about ending it. It was more a build up of neglect and constantly being passed over for drugs, friends,work which caused me to just quit.
He seems happy with that though.
Guess I just thought I might have meant more to him.
I hate the thought of him being with someone else too, hes very charming and good looking.
I keep thinking he is kind of a functioning addict, as he always manages to cope. Is that better in any way?
Ugh, wish these feelings would go away!
Will keep reading and hopefully my mind will clear.

trailmix

Well addicts are functioning, until they aren't. People you hear of who become criminals or are living under a bridge looking for a hit didn't start out that way! Many people start out with wives or husbands and good jobs and a family and completely go off the rails at some point to where they are no longer recognizable.

Of course he copes, he has his drugs to help him get by. You mention you thought you meant more to him. I'm sure you probably meant a lot to him, but, again, the drugs are always more important.

The longer they have drugged, the harder it is to give up. It's not just about getting high, it's a way of life for them.

People leave their wives, husbands, children, babies, pregnant wives all the time to go out and life a life with drugs and alcohols as a focus. There are many threads about that here.

It's sad! I completely understand how hurt you are, but remember, there is no good relationship with an addict, regardless of drug of choice, they are very self-centered, generally, you kind of have to be to have a drug as your focus.

Icemelon

Yeah , I guess you are right. It's just a bitter pill to swallow.
I think he must know why Ive gone , deep down. But I couldn't carry on as it was anyway. The anxiety and resentment were grinding us into the ground.
Its sad how drugs are his way of life, but suppose thats reality and I knew he was that way when I met him. Im quite permissive of drugs on a recreational basis, maybe next time I will think twice before getting involved.
I hope he does get help eventually. Reading around this forum though, makes recovery seem unlikely unless he really wants it to happen. I think I get the fact now, that they can't do it for anyone but themselves.