snk0812

Hi everyone! I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is a year and a half clean from heroin and alcohol. I am beyond proud of him!! He regularly attends AA meetings, meets with his sponsor, and currently has three sponsees. He is very involved in the recovery community in our area. He lives in an Oxford house and even works for a drug/alcohol rehabilitation center. He loves helping others who have been in situations like him. I could not love the man more if I tried!! Recently, we have hit a bit of a rough patch in our relationship. Nothing exactly happened (no major event, fight, etc). He gets into these depressive moods sometimes and gets very sad and angry. He takes his frustrations out on me and then will just shut me out for a few days. Whenever I try to reach out to him at these times (a simple "I love you" text or a "thinking of you"), he tells me that I am being disrespectful and selfish because I won't leave him alone. After two to three days, he snaps out of his mood and acts like we are perfectly happy. Meanwhile, I am constantly walking on eggshells and trying to be the best girlfriend I can be for him while also trying to take care of myself and my mental health. It happens at least once a month. I have spoken with a few people about this and some have told me that this is normal behavior for someone recovering from heroin (I am not sure if this is true).

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Or does anyone face a similar situation?

Thank you in advance

zoso77

Hey...sorry for the late response. Things have been a bit slow here lately.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Walking on eggshells around someone in tentative recovery is a difficult thing to do. But there's nothing that says you have to walk on eggshells, and there's nothing that says you have to tolerate that kind of behavior. If you find yourself in a position where your mental health is compromised, you're well within your rights to do what is necessary to protect yourself.

So ask yourself...what's best for you?

nikegoddess112

OP,

I hope you come back or are still around here reading, learning and opening to what the disease of addiction is like.

What you describe is something many of my friends in recovery experience, in similar ways. It sounds like this person is doing his best in dealing with a disease that's out to take him down. Be gentle with yourself and him.

Recovery programs help greatly in the sense of dealing with "this day" and life continually will improve. Sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes the months and years to reflect on where/what the fabulous improvements are.

NarAnon and Al-Anon can be amazing recovery programs for friends and family members, if they are open and willing to focus on themselves.

snk0812

Hi! Sorry for the delayed response. Yes, I have been going to Al-Anon for about four months now. It moved to online due to the pandemic, so I don't enjoy it as much as I did when it was in person. Unfortunately, we have found ourselves in this situation yet again. This time it seems worse because we now have an adorable fur baby involved (yes I am THAT dog mom). I am letting it run its course this time and backing off. He will come around when it is my time to take care of the dog.

Bubovski

IS he perhaps involved too much helping others in AA/NA and perhaps taking his stress out on you? 'Sponsees' can be really stressful.

snk0812

That was always how I felt and that he never took the time for himself. Instead, he always tries to help others. I do feel that he takes his stress out on me with his sponsees. To have one seems to be the normal? I am not sure. But to have 3 or 4 at a time seems a bit much. I have spoken to a therapist about it and she feels it is a way for him to forget about his own recovery and struggles and to try to help others. Thoughts?? Thank you for the response!