I guess I'm just a slow learner
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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I guess I'm just a slow learner
Well, I guess I am a slow learner, and a bit thick. So Many of you know my story. Had a moment of weakness, about a month ago, spoke with EXAW and had this plan to stay faithful, and work on things to see if we could reconcile. Well, I went over to her place today to say hi, had to use her bathroom and she came running in, there were used condoms in the bathtub...then she admits to me her few FWB...I walked outa there stunned and sick. Feeling stupid
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wll…..I can appreciate how shocked you might be.....I imagine that it will take 2 or 3 days for your head to stop spinning.....I hope you have someone that you can talk to that knows your story....face to face. That helps.
Try to look at it this way---At least you know the REALITY of your relationship, now....and you will, no longer, be able to live on your wishes and fantasy of what you want it to be. Maybe, in an admittedly, rude way, the scales have fallen from your eyes when there is no other way to loosen your grip on your fantasies.
The reality is that you cannot get straight with your self and go on with a healthy life while avoiding reality.
Maybe, this experience has done for you what could not have been done in any other way...…
I expect that this may be a big turning point for you....
Try to look at it this way---At least you know the REALITY of your relationship, now....and you will, no longer, be able to live on your wishes and fantasy of what you want it to be. Maybe, in an admittedly, rude way, the scales have fallen from your eyes when there is no other way to loosen your grip on your fantasies.
The reality is that you cannot get straight with your self and go on with a healthy life while avoiding reality.
Maybe, this experience has done for you what could not have been done in any other way...…
I expect that this may be a big turning point for you....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I am so sorry you got hurt again
I hope you don't feel stupid. Sometimes we have to revisit a situation to really get a handle on it.
You wanted the relationship, you were promised things and it turns out she was lying. That's all on her (the lies), you weren't to know or at the very least you didn't want to believe she would be so cruel.
As dandy said, it may take several days to really get your head around what has happened here, absolutely normal. But now you know and I hope you will protect yourself.
Remember to take good care of yourself.
I hope you don't feel stupid. Sometimes we have to revisit a situation to really get a handle on it.
You wanted the relationship, you were promised things and it turns out she was lying. That's all on her (the lies), you weren't to know or at the very least you didn't want to believe she would be so cruel.
As dandy said, it may take several days to really get your head around what has happened here, absolutely normal. But now you know and I hope you will protect yourself.
Remember to take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Oh WL that just so so sucks. Feeling stupid makes it that much worse. We all have been there with our own self delusions at some point.
I so wish you could go no contact but I know you have a daughter with her. This makes it so complicated.
Please please take care of yourself. This is excruciating to go through and healing often take way longer than any of us wants.
I so wish you could go no contact but I know you have a daughter with her. This makes it so complicated.
Please please take care of yourself. This is excruciating to go through and healing often take way longer than any of us wants.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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woodland lost...
I did something similar this week. I went back to my farm. I was helping the neighbour with a harvest next door and I just went to mine for a look. I got all excited about getting the farm up and running again, in light of recent events. I ran away with in my head...... it'll be great me and almost ex husband....well, we'll just have to get on for the sake of growing food for the community....
then something happened that gave me a massive reality check and I crashed emotionally.....yes, felt physically sick, disappointment, shattered dreams, pain, frustration, you name it.......
I spent three days in the hole again, reliving the pain, going over and over it all in my head....
BUT it was only three days this time....everytime I go back there it's for a shorter time.....I can recognise it for what it is.....it's like a fading echo and the further time takes me away from the situation, it's losing its power over me.
You can see it for what it is. You still need to process parts of it but as you say, it is coming clearer.
Keep going!!!
I did something similar this week. I went back to my farm. I was helping the neighbour with a harvest next door and I just went to mine for a look. I got all excited about getting the farm up and running again, in light of recent events. I ran away with in my head...... it'll be great me and almost ex husband....well, we'll just have to get on for the sake of growing food for the community....
then something happened that gave me a massive reality check and I crashed emotionally.....yes, felt physically sick, disappointment, shattered dreams, pain, frustration, you name it.......
I spent three days in the hole again, reliving the pain, going over and over it all in my head....
BUT it was only three days this time....everytime I go back there it's for a shorter time.....I can recognise it for what it is.....it's like a fading echo and the further time takes me away from the situation, it's losing its power over me.
You can see it for what it is. You still need to process parts of it but as you say, it is coming clearer.
Keep going!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Thank you all for the messages. Amaranth, thank you for that share...I hope the pain dies down for me. It is essentially the 3rd day, and I can feel the pressure in my chest as I get out of bed. I know it is still there, imagining them together. I guess this really boils down to how I feel about myself. I wanted to be the one that she came back to...I gave what I could to show her I loved her. As you can clearly tell, confusion andfear etc is running the show for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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woodlandlost…….try to not to give your imagination any rope. Do not LET yourself imagine "them". As soon as you start to....do something. immediately, to switch your brain to something else.....It is not easy, but you can actually do it...if you work at it.
It can help to keep your days as structured as possible....keeping to a routine, if you can....and, get outside to walk, every day, helps. These thing will allow you to get from day to day.....The more days that pass, the closer you will be to eventual healing and away from this agonizing pain.....
Remember, that, just as we are wired to hurt in such circumstances....we are also wired to heal! Otherwise, the human species would not be around...lol....
I think it is the amazing paradox that we can be so fragile...and, by the same token.....so tough....
It can help to keep your days as structured as possible....keeping to a routine, if you can....and, get outside to walk, every day, helps. These thing will allow you to get from day to day.....The more days that pass, the closer you will be to eventual healing and away from this agonizing pain.....
Remember, that, just as we are wired to hurt in such circumstances....we are also wired to heal! Otherwise, the human species would not be around...lol....
I think it is the amazing paradox that we can be so fragile...and, by the same token.....so tough....
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Yes and you are correct...I can shift the images. It takes work. I think I hold them when I want to feel the pain...because I want to feel some part of her. I miss the old her...the felings of being safe and loved. They are gone now...forever lost.
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woodlandlost…...I understand. I don't want to minimize the grieving that you are going through. You will be grieving, of course. No way to avoid it....it is, after all, the very first stage of the whole healing process.
I have been through the grieving process, myself...and, looking back on my own experience, I think it is a fine line...between staying functional enough to get from day to day...and, allowing for our grieving...…
I know that it is true that you no longer have the feeling of safety and feeling loved by her....but, I can tell you, from my own experience, that you can (and, will)eventually, find these feelings in other places and sources, in your life.....
I have been through the grieving process, myself...and, looking back on my own experience, I think it is a fine line...between staying functional enough to get from day to day...and, allowing for our grieving...…
I know that it is true that you no longer have the feeling of safety and feeling loved by her....but, I can tell you, from my own experience, that you can (and, will)eventually, find these feelings in other places and sources, in your life.....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, but do be kind to yourself.
Telling yourself you are "stupid" or a sucker or whatever other negative things might arise in your mind are really counter to your healing (also they are not true).
So, you trusted someone who was untrustworthy or perhaps maybe just gave her the benefit of the doubt. Either way that is not a negative thing (in general). That is actually a kind thing. Who doesn't need a second chance sometimes? We all mess things up sometimes.
Now, you did that, you tried to move forward, again not a bad thing to do. So please don't berate yourself. This is a time to build yourself up.
So for example, it took a lot of compassion and kindness (even if it was misplaced) for you to give her another chance. You will learn from this, of course, which can be painful, but you will be stronger and better prepared going forward.
I completely agree with dandylion that you can switch those thoughts and really do it immediately. As soon as your mind goes there, jump up off the sofa, stop washing the pans, whatever you are doing and do something else. Turn on the radio, change the tv channel, go for a 10 minute walk, just do whatever you aren't doing.
Another thing that can work sometimes is just telling your mind to "stop". Say stop outloud or in you head (outloud is a good idea I think if you don't have anyone else in the room lol).
Hang in there.
Telling yourself you are "stupid" or a sucker or whatever other negative things might arise in your mind are really counter to your healing (also they are not true).
So, you trusted someone who was untrustworthy or perhaps maybe just gave her the benefit of the doubt. Either way that is not a negative thing (in general). That is actually a kind thing. Who doesn't need a second chance sometimes? We all mess things up sometimes.
Now, you did that, you tried to move forward, again not a bad thing to do. So please don't berate yourself. This is a time to build yourself up.
So for example, it took a lot of compassion and kindness (even if it was misplaced) for you to give her another chance. You will learn from this, of course, which can be painful, but you will be stronger and better prepared going forward.
I completely agree with dandylion that you can switch those thoughts and really do it immediately. As soon as your mind goes there, jump up off the sofa, stop washing the pans, whatever you are doing and do something else. Turn on the radio, change the tv channel, go for a 10 minute walk, just do whatever you aren't doing.
Another thing that can work sometimes is just telling your mind to "stop". Say stop outloud or in you head (outloud is a good idea I think if you don't have anyone else in the room lol).
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Thanks...just puttering around the house...daughter is playing with a friend, not a care in the world...I love to see that playfulness on her face. Chest feeling tight, head is aching. Transplanted a **** load of kale into new beds....ripped up a bunch of beds that WW planted. Put some lettuce in them.
Coffee now....hopefully a moment of, a second of peace.
Coffee now....hopefully a moment of, a second of peace.
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Your ex's refusal to remain faithful is her choice, not a failure on your part. From 25 years with an alcoholic, I can tell you (**everyone here can tell you**) loving someone doesn't change him or her. Best to love her from afar, and protect yourself.
I love the man my husband was; he passes away 10 years ago. This year, for the first time, it didn't cross my mind at all that day. You tried to do the right thing. That's not stupid. It wasn't appreciated, so you'll know better next time.
I love the man my husband was; he passes away 10 years ago. This year, for the first time, it didn't cross my mind at all that day. You tried to do the right thing. That's not stupid. It wasn't appreciated, so you'll know better next time.
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Location: Western US
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Thinking of you today Woodland. It sounds like you are doing the heroic work of self care and kid care.
Keep it up and let us know how you get on. There will be ups and downs in the next days and months. Ride them as best you can.
Keep it up and let us know how you get on. There will be ups and downs in the next days and months. Ride them as best you can.
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Hanging on for dear life right now. The pressure inside of my body is very high. I want to bawl my eyes out everytime I leave the company of my daughter. We are both home, schools are closed and I am working remotely.
I am imagining her and him, the fact she is gone. I love this person and there is no love coming back...just betrayl. My fault for going back to the hot stove.
Thank you for checking in on me.
I am imagining her and him, the fact she is gone. I love this person and there is no love coming back...just betrayl. My fault for going back to the hot stove.
Thank you for checking in on me.
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