NicLin

I am definitely not handling this all as well as I thought I could.

I am worried about the isolation factor, as this was my escape to drink. It hits too close to home for me in my early days/months of sobriety. I have refrained from staying at home and even sitting on a couch for the past 8 months and now I am going to be mandated to stay in. I am scared.

I am craving the human connection more than ever. I have started to re-build my life into some semblance of normal and was happy and getting stronger. I had my meetings, exercise routine, work schedule, fellowship and friends. I had full days without a lot of time to think. I like not thinking and I love doing. That all has been removed and I am scrambling for peace and sanity.

I also live with my sister, her bf and my niece and my sister is a piece of work. She is neurotic, run by fear and impulsive and most of all, defensive and protective of these defects. To disagree with her is to argue and exhaust yourself so my default has been to mind my business/ tolerate the incessant hovering (germaphobe) and just stay quiet and nod yes to her every request and need (there are tons of "favors" needed). She also cannot do anything for anyone else, as she has no time to help others. This coronavirus is happening only to her and she is the only one validated in her feelings, everyone else is just noise. She has not once asked me how I am feeling in all of this.

Tonight I hit my limit; I was cooking dinner and had helped with the baby and helped her with some things. I simply asked for an hour of time to have in the living room and was met with a disgusted face and defiance. This sparked an argument where she yelled that SHE was scared and SHE was a new mother and SHE is doing everything and SHE cannot handle everything with no help (false). I lost it. Completely lost it. I was crying and furious and extremely close to drinking. I wanted a drink. I wanted to escape.

The past few days I have been struggling with cravings. I have not had them like this and I am terrified. I do not feel strong right now, spiritually fit nor do I feel like I can handle the egoic thinking about "no one will know" and "I am not needed right now anywhere, it is the perfect time to drink." I know what these thoughts are but I feel I am losing my grip on my sobriety. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK. For me, to drink is to die.

I don't know what I need right now, but I do know that this is something I can beat. I need to log on and connect, meditate and talk to people who understand me.

I am hopeful and I am scared. This is where I am today and today I have another day sober.

Nic.

EndGameNYC

Getting sober under the best of circumstances can be maddening all on its own. Ask anyone.

You're currently dealing with a lot of stressors. I don't know that there's much you can do about your sister's condition as you describe it besides protecting yourself against her changing you. Maybe try to work out a schedule with her that works for both of you?

Keep on reaching on where and when you can. Most of us feel good when we're able to help someone else. Let someone else have some of the fun.

HeadEast

Don't drink. This whole thing sucks for all of us, including you and your sister and the rest of you in the house. Keep going on rebuilding your life. Just realize how strange these times are for everyone.

Dee74

These are testing times NicLin - for all of us....but there will always be support here...and sanity

I'm holding it together more or less as a sober peson - I can;t imagine throwing a drunk me into this mix

We understand how you feel - you're not alone.
This too, really shall pass

D

Derringer

Have a listen to this

Good stuff

DriGuy

It sounds like you are not only battling your sister, and the chaos of the pandemic, but also your alcoholic voice. Your personal situation, along with the fact that everyone is facing a great unknown right now is the kind of environment that your AV thrives on. It wants you to give it alcohol.

I think you are far enough along to recognize what is happening here, and know that you don't have to give into that inner child. Of all the problems in the world, and in your life, this one particular issue is one you do have control over. It might be the only one. And sweeping it out of the way is where recovery really starts.

I believe you are strong enough to do this. I refuse to believe otherwise.

Anna

NicLin, I'm sorry for your living situation. It sounds really difficult. I hope that you can find some peace when you log in here at SR.

Noolan

You're doing exactly what you should be doing and that is reaching out to others for help. Sharing when you are not ok, and looking for that connection you described.

You know to drink is to die and you have put together 8 months. That's incredible. You can whether this storm, we can all do this.

ElizabethReed

You mentioned meditation...I know it really helps me when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I've been dealing with in-laws visiting and a colicky baby this past week, along with the claustrophobia of the social distancing...a few minutes every day with Insight Timer has been a huge help!

NicLin

Thank you everyone. Today was a much better day and I am feeling a bit stronger in my program. I realized that this first week of no work and this "new normal" had me spinning out of control and fighting the ego and AV that yes, only wants me drunk.
I know I can do better, so I will be scheduling my time more diligently, like I did before all of this started. My routine was destroyed along with my rituals and schedules, so I will just need to rebuild it all again. I did it eight months ago and I can do it again. I will schedule my hours with meetings and work time and exercise and even outside time. Family and phone calls to other fellows will also get worked in to my calendar.

I need the routine back, and some structure. whatever that means for me now, it will be better than the no schedule I had and nothing else I had when drinking.

I can do this, we can all do this and it really does help to know that I am not alone.

I have my SR family with all of their wonderful support. You guys save me every day.

Thank you!

Nic.

Mango212

Hi NicLin,

I appreciate your more recent thread. I also admire the strength, honestly and something more about this one.

I continue to see good in life, people, situations and right where I am as recovery, meditation and allowing spiritual openness to come first.

"I have no problems. With a changed perspective, I simply have opportunities."

Good luck!