Iamstruggling

I relapsed last night, I was doing really well and I had quit smoking, drinking and cocaine for more than a year. Last night I felt like drinking wine, then I smoked marijuana and finally called the peddler and bought a gram.

I feel disappointed in me and feel like complete crap right now. I feel like screaming on top of my voice, need some one to speak to about this. I want to get back to my good happy life. I feel my clock is reset, also I did this behind my wife's back.

So many jumbled up emotions, feeling very low. Any one out there? Give me a perspective. SOS.

daisy1

I'm nearly a year sober and I'm so scared of this happening - I like to think that if I did relapse I could be persuaded to stop it immediately before it goes downhill fast. I imagine you have set off a chain reaction that will be difficult to stop, what can you do to try and stop this escalating from this point?

FeelingGreat

IAS, not what you did last night, but what do you plan for tonight and in the future? Can you identify what set you off?

How do you want to feel tomorrow morning?

brighterday1234

mikoss

I battle with alcohol and cocaine addiction and I cannot tell you how many times I have relapsed and then go for a bit clean and sober and back again drinking and doing cocaine and I am trying to go sober and clean right now. It is hard but you have to do it.

I understand everything you are going through and the emotions and going from wanting to scream out loud and then feeling low. I totally understand.

What I find best is to just try to not beat myself up about it. I am my own worst enemy and you just have to forgive yourself and try to take it a day at a time and focus on just getting clean and sober for the next 24 hours and then take it another day at a time. Just taking small steps. The first 3 to 5 days have been the hardest for me. I went 40 days sober the first time with some cocaine use during that time but not much. Then the second time I went 10 days sober with no cocaine. And the next time about 3 days sober before I relapsed. And at the moment I have gone close to 24 hours and then relapse with alcohol. I finally am giving it a go to finally try to get clean and sober.

I call and talk to my sponsor and I had been going to AA meetings and they got cancelled. So I just call and talk to my sponsor and people from my AA meetings via phone. I do what I can from my house.

I was almost about to be put in a rehab or detox recently, but with what is going on I am scared to even leave anywhere.

My best suggestion is to just try to focus on getting sober and let go of past mistakes and look to the future and take it a day at a time.

tomls

It's a big plus that you came right back here! Get back on your horse and let's whoop this thing! One day at a time!

D122y

What I use all the time is understanding it is all mental. It is permanent brain damage. It is all about dopemine and endorphins.

My brain has been forever altered. I will crave a buzz forever.

I bought some Everclear to use as hand sanitizer. I didn't want to store it in the flimsy glass bottle and risk it breaking. So I transferred it into an old plastic coke bottle.

I was alone, in my garage, nobody would know.

But i knew all of the damage it would do. See my signature. Those things are only a few of the things.

So I made the transfer without a taste. I took a close smell once. God, I can't believe I drank that unnatural substance for so long.

Only addiction would do that.

So, that is how I resisted.

All of that clean time adds up. Nothing can take it away. I get my buzz naturally now. Exercise, kindness, emotional stimulation etc.

Addiction is not a mystery. It can be defeated with knowledge. I am always 1 sip away from a relapse and day 1.

One day, minute, moment at a time if needed.

Semper vigilanti!

Thanks.

DontRemember

My last 'party' was,one night,about 4yrs ago after 9mo sober.. did some things I regret waking up to,but normal when I drink/drug(it's in my history on here).. haven't done it again since and no plans to ever again.. I still take it day-day but.. pretty much a hard pass on that nonsense now. I never see myself going back to 'that person'.

Learn from it and move past it.

jr67

Hey Iamstruggling.

What's going on now?

A slip of one day is just that. It does not undo a year of sobriety.

It certainly *risks* doing that, and the stories of those who enter complete relapse after a slip are legion, which is why this site advocates abstinence only, but that does not mean relapse has to happen to you.

What are you doing today to ensure the one-day slip remains just that?

DriGuy

You felt like drinking wine. Do you consider that a trigger? How have you dealt with triggers for the last year? At the risk of sounding like I'm dwelling on the past, I think it's important to understand what caused this decision and to be alert for it next time. Did you experience any particular emotion when you felt like drinking? Every drink is a choice. What was the reason for that choice? Take some time to connect the dots.

Dee74

Hi and welcome iamstruggling.

I think the correct perspective right now is - I made a mistake on that night - accept it move on - and don't make anymore.

I think you need to unpack why you felt like drinking wine, and why you gave into that idea after a year too.

There are difficult time but there's thousands of people here who won't be drinking, toking,or drugging through them.

Join the winners

D

Steely

You just put it behind you IAS and return to the good happy life you want and remember.

The 'clock' is ticking in your favour now,

Lines

As someone who also relapsed on cocaine (after 5+ yrs) recently; congratulations on reaching out to talk about it and ask for support immediately.
Begin giving yourself credit for how you respond to the situation. You dont lose the past year. Substance Use Disorder is defined as a potentially relapsing condition. I think the best thing to do is stop now. Dispose of what's left. Rest. Analyze what set off the thinking which triggered the memory in the brain. Was it an old pattern of behavior? Underlying feelings? And then finish off dealing with the guilt. Making a long story short, I didnt stop right away. I was using small amounts to give me an edge at work. Before long, when I tried to stop the depression and anxiety would set in and that was affecting my work so I'd start again. I also didnt tell my wife. So I used small amounts to feel normal so she wouldn't suspect anything. I have 2 weeks off today. I had to tell my wife as a first step. She is my accountability person. Then I called my addiction meds doctor from the past. Amazing how all that lightened my heart and mind, and has let me begin to forgive myself. (I get informing your wife might not be right for you, maybe discussing it here is enough). The point is stop, analyze, forgive, and go back to happy life.

Plure

This is really good advice in my opinion. Be kind to yourself...you fell down but can get right back up. You had one lapse after a year sober! That sobriety timeframe is nothing to sneeze at and something to be proud of.

Gottalife

What caused it? When it happened to me it was because, at certain times, I was without defence against the fatal first drink. The thoughts that should have saved me did not come to mind, neither did who I should call, or the scary stories I had heard. I had lost the power of choice. Though I sincerely made the choice to not drink that day, I drank anyway.

What to do? Maybe figure out which is your drug of no choice. I started with marijuana and with in seconds was into my drug of no choice, alcohol. You started with alcohol, then dope, then the other stuff cocaine? Maybe cocaine is your drug of no choice.

Perhaps check out cocaine anonymous. They might be able to show you how to get an effective 24/7 defense against the first drug or drink.

Anna

Try to not overwhelm yourself with guilt at this point. It's important to understand why you made the choice to drink last night so you can make a plan to not let that happen again. And, if you let the guilt take over at this point, you could end up turning to alcohol again. Get back on track and work on a plan to stay sober. I'm glad you found us.

EndGameNYC

Excessive or unwarranted self-criticism following a relapse puts us at greater risk for another relapse. None of us talks or writes about how thrilled we were after relapsing. You don't have to go through it again.

Convincing myself that I'm worthless or just plain miserable is all the excuse some of us need to drink again. It took hard work and an industrial-strength catapult loaded with dynamite to move me out of my comfort zone and allow good, supportive people into my life.

Cooperate with your recovery, with the part of you that wants to be healthy, to be a good person. Build a better life. For me, the worst thing that could possibly happen already happened.

And there's no such thing as a reset clock. You are no longer the same person you were before you got clean and sober. Not a pleasant change for people who want to keep on drinking.

RecklessDrunk

It's very rare that I've ever done cocaine sober. Once I got in such a blackout that I actually lost the rock I had just bought! So I drove back in the city drunk as a skunk and got another one. Found the original after I sobered up and was like heck, it's free now and I've gotta get rid of it anyway.

I'm not an addict but the twin I turn into when I drink is. If it wasn't for cocaine I may never have stopped or even considered quitting drinking.


Anyway you did get a year clean. It's not like you lose that. That's one year you took back from your addiction and nothing can take that away. It's over, it's still a win for you, it should be inspiration and hope for continuing foward. Now the trouble is the obsession is going to much stronger in the near term. You had a guerrilla caged and you let him out. You re probably going to have to work a little extra harder in the near term to make sure that guerrilla of obsession gets back in the cage. The virus thing makes it a heck of a time, maybe some online meetings, a lot of reading the big book, the 12 &12, hanging out here.

Take a look at step 1 again. This is the most important part of the program. The bottom step of the ladder has to be the strongest. Its is the foundation for all the other steps. Can you drink and be happy? Look at your record, look at your record, look at your record. That's what I tell myself anyway, and my record says OMG i cant drink. Every single time, not every single drunk, but eventually it leads to disaster in some way, shape, or form.

Doesn't it feel better to be the sober one and just rise above this nonsense? You can get right back there a day at a time