Found brother's secret stash from my house
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Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 1
Found brother's secret stash from my house
My little brother (36M) is my only living relative (40F). We had a nice, stable childhood until our parents died in a car accident when we were 11 and 7. We saw them die and it was traumatizing. After our parents’ deaths, we went into system and were fostered by a family where mother was verbally abusive towards us and father made sexual overturns towards me when I became teenager. I moved out on my 18th birthday, mostly unscathed and relieved it was over, and went to university in a different part of the country to get away from it all. When I left, my 14-year-old brother started to spend a lot of time with alcoholic neighbour who could tell him stories of our parents and normalized his own drinking by offering beer to him. My brother became an alcoholic.
We had little contact for years, until ten years ago he called me, crying, because he was vomiting blood and seeing hallucinations. I helped him through it, and he decided to move closer to me so he would not feel so alone. For two years, things were better. He drank less and managed to find a job and apartment. He became close to my children, whom he adores. Then things started going downhill again. When my oldest became a teenager, he started to make jokes on how I was too uptight mother and he would buy alcohol for my teenager without telling me. Essentially, he was hinting on repeating what had happened to him. Alarmed, I made a choice I still feel bad about. He has always loved travelling, and when he lost yet another apartment due to 4´ layer of dirty underwear, empty food packets, old mail and cat poo on the floor, he brought up an idea of working abroad. I encouraged him because I was terribly worried about his influencing my son. I even drove him to the airport and cried when he was gone, because he always drinks more when he is alone, but I can’t allow him to influence my children.
He is still mentally stuck on traumatizing events of our childhood and speaks of little else, especially when he’s drunk. He tried to get help from mental health services four years ago but dropped out when his doctor confronted him about his blood test results and stated they can’t recommend him for therapy unless he stops drinking. He can hold a job, but not for long, because sooner or later his performance is not up to standards. He acts hurt and defiant when it’s brought to his attention, finds fault with his workplace /superiors/whatever, and uses it as an excuse to resign.
Last year, he stayed for two months with us when he was between jobs. It was very stressful time. His alcoholism is progressing rapidly because he prefers jobs in ex-Soviet countries where beer is cheap and it shows in his personality more than before. Luckily, my teenager is more mature now and begins to recognize his uncle is sick and it’s not something to aspire to. On my birthday, he got drunk, vomited in my washing machine and didn’t say anything. When I noticed it, I confronted him and told him to clean it up, but he did such a lousy job I had to spend my birthday cleaning it after him.
We have had to bail him out from trouble several times now. I borrowed money for deposit years ago and he never paid it back. My husband had to help him out when he moved to Amsterdam, his employer’s accommodation was available a day later than planned and he had no money to stay anywhere for the night. Last time he was here, he tried to borrow money from my kids, and I intervened. He stopped.
Yesterday I found a bottle opener from my sewing cupboard. So he had set up another stash there. I thought I had found them all. It made me feel so tired. He is literally the only relative I have, and I love him, but he is a middle/late stage alcoholic and I don’t know if I have fortitude to continue this relationship. Until now, I’ve been neutral and not judgemental, because then I know how much he is drinking, we can talk about it calmly, and I can offer advice on some small things which help. But I was upset to find yet another hideout from my own house. Even though it was a small thing, it brought emotions on surface.
With the coronavirus situation, I worry he might lose his job again, and I’m trying to figure out whether I want to open my home for him again or not. He has no money, no credit, and no access to social security because he has lived abroad. I feel it is time to set some boundaries and tell him I won’t allow him to stay in my house again, but it feels very painful to do so. If and when I set boundaries and tell him, he will feel offended, act spitefully, and cut all contact with me. That is how he operates with people. Thinking rationally, I’m going to lose him in any case because he will drink himself to death. It still hurts. He is the only person in the whole world who remembers the same things I do.
I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and advice. I don't have Al-Anon group near me.
We had little contact for years, until ten years ago he called me, crying, because he was vomiting blood and seeing hallucinations. I helped him through it, and he decided to move closer to me so he would not feel so alone. For two years, things were better. He drank less and managed to find a job and apartment. He became close to my children, whom he adores. Then things started going downhill again. When my oldest became a teenager, he started to make jokes on how I was too uptight mother and he would buy alcohol for my teenager without telling me. Essentially, he was hinting on repeating what had happened to him. Alarmed, I made a choice I still feel bad about. He has always loved travelling, and when he lost yet another apartment due to 4´ layer of dirty underwear, empty food packets, old mail and cat poo on the floor, he brought up an idea of working abroad. I encouraged him because I was terribly worried about his influencing my son. I even drove him to the airport and cried when he was gone, because he always drinks more when he is alone, but I can’t allow him to influence my children.
He is still mentally stuck on traumatizing events of our childhood and speaks of little else, especially when he’s drunk. He tried to get help from mental health services four years ago but dropped out when his doctor confronted him about his blood test results and stated they can’t recommend him for therapy unless he stops drinking. He can hold a job, but not for long, because sooner or later his performance is not up to standards. He acts hurt and defiant when it’s brought to his attention, finds fault with his workplace /superiors/whatever, and uses it as an excuse to resign.
Last year, he stayed for two months with us when he was between jobs. It was very stressful time. His alcoholism is progressing rapidly because he prefers jobs in ex-Soviet countries where beer is cheap and it shows in his personality more than before. Luckily, my teenager is more mature now and begins to recognize his uncle is sick and it’s not something to aspire to. On my birthday, he got drunk, vomited in my washing machine and didn’t say anything. When I noticed it, I confronted him and told him to clean it up, but he did such a lousy job I had to spend my birthday cleaning it after him.
We have had to bail him out from trouble several times now. I borrowed money for deposit years ago and he never paid it back. My husband had to help him out when he moved to Amsterdam, his employer’s accommodation was available a day later than planned and he had no money to stay anywhere for the night. Last time he was here, he tried to borrow money from my kids, and I intervened. He stopped.
Yesterday I found a bottle opener from my sewing cupboard. So he had set up another stash there. I thought I had found them all. It made me feel so tired. He is literally the only relative I have, and I love him, but he is a middle/late stage alcoholic and I don’t know if I have fortitude to continue this relationship. Until now, I’ve been neutral and not judgemental, because then I know how much he is drinking, we can talk about it calmly, and I can offer advice on some small things which help. But I was upset to find yet another hideout from my own house. Even though it was a small thing, it brought emotions on surface.
With the coronavirus situation, I worry he might lose his job again, and I’m trying to figure out whether I want to open my home for him again or not. He has no money, no credit, and no access to social security because he has lived abroad. I feel it is time to set some boundaries and tell him I won’t allow him to stay in my house again, but it feels very painful to do so. If and when I set boundaries and tell him, he will feel offended, act spitefully, and cut all contact with me. That is how he operates with people. Thinking rationally, I’m going to lose him in any case because he will drink himself to death. It still hurts. He is the only person in the whole world who remembers the same things I do.
I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and advice. I don't have Al-Anon group near me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Systra,
So sorry that you are going through this. I have been divorced for over a decade and was still finding occasional stashes up until a year or two ago. I used to get angry every time I would find one. Once I was having a yard sale and there was a bottle in a box of clothes that I had sitting out on a table for sale. Now I feel differently. I use those memories to remind myself how very grateful I am that my life is no longer dealing with his alcoholism.
You cannot help your brother. It is 100% up to him to turn things around. If you take him in your house it will disrupt you and your family. You can, however, teach your teenager a better way of life.
You don't owe it to him to bail him out. It might actually be a wake up call to him if you didn't.
It's not your job. It's over your pay grade.
So sorry that you are going through this. I have been divorced for over a decade and was still finding occasional stashes up until a year or two ago. I used to get angry every time I would find one. Once I was having a yard sale and there was a bottle in a box of clothes that I had sitting out on a table for sale. Now I feel differently. I use those memories to remind myself how very grateful I am that my life is no longer dealing with his alcoholism.
You cannot help your brother. It is 100% up to him to turn things around. If you take him in your house it will disrupt you and your family. You can, however, teach your teenager a better way of life.
You don't owe it to him to bail him out. It might actually be a wake up call to him if you didn't.
It's not your job. It's over your pay grade.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Systra, I'm just so sorry for what brings you here. I wish I could tell you some magic thing to make your brother understand and turn his life around. It sounds like he really does need help, but is simply unwilling to get it.
Please, do not sacrifice yourself to someone else's addiction. Your life, your family are important, and you deserve peace and joy. I will keep you and your brother in my prayers!!
Please, do not sacrifice yourself to someone else's addiction. Your life, your family are important, and you deserve peace and joy. I will keep you and your brother in my prayers!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
He is not your problem. You have given him enough chances and he will not change until he is ready to change. And his will to change (or not) will have nothing to do with anything say to him or do for him, you will just enable him by letting I stay with you. He is an adult and he has choices. He needs to take care of himself. He has chosen to drink which is why he can’t keep a job, that is not your problem, that is his. You’ve got your kids to worry about and they are way more important to you than your alcoholic bother. Having an alcoholic lièvre with you will affect both you and your children. Put you and your kids first. I know it is hard to do tough love but you need to do what is best for you. And of course he will be mad at you, because it is all about him, they only think about themselves. You aren’t getting anything out of this relationship. More often than not it is better to cut contact with toxic people whether they are family or not. Tell him that once he has been sober and in recovery (meaning he is actually workin a program) for a year you will be happy to help him out if needed to get him back on his feet. But until then he is on his own.
luring sobriety this way with my lucky charm
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: California
Posts: 738
I think it's very sad that you live in a state where he can't get therapy if he drinks. If your brother lived in California he could get therapy even as a broke alcoholic. That's not your problem, I'm just mentioning this as true facts. You are under no obligation to harm yourself or endanger your children, and I agree with everyone else on that point.
Could you get a mental health warrant on him to put him into in-patient treatment? I know someone who did this for their adult relative.
Could you get a mental health warrant on him to put him into in-patient treatment? I know someone who did this for their adult relative.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Your situation sounds really stressful. It's great you're posting on here.
I agree with others. You didn't cause this situation or the awful events of your childhoods. You also can't fix him. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it would be to think about him being homeless / jobless / broke.
You are his safety net. As long as you keep being that, he probably doesn't need to change and start to chart his own course.
I agree with others. You didn't cause this situation or the awful events of your childhoods. You also can't fix him. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it would be to think about him being homeless / jobless / broke.
You are his safety net. As long as you keep being that, he probably doesn't need to change and start to chart his own course.
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