James90

I've lied to everyone since christmas about how life is good and I'm sober. But in reality I've relapsed over 10 times in that time period, lied to people on the phone, to their faces. Said I'm going to meetings that dont even exist.What is wrong with me? I'm just sitting here now wondering how I ended up this way, I feel so depressed , but I know I'll happily relapse again later. I so badly want to make everyone proud of me, but how can I when I dont even care about myself! Not sure I can do this anymore, it's really beginning to break me down. I put on the act for everyone, but I know inside my self I'm nearly running on empty.

Mummyto2

Dee74

Hi James
I think you must care a little or you wouldn't be here.
The thing is to fan that little ember as much as you can - and not to 'happily relapse'

You;re no different to any of us here - you just have to pick a side

Start a list - what can you do to stay sober - easiest things to hardest things.

start at the easiest things

D

Tetrax

Like Mummyto2 says I think right now you need to not worry about others and focus on getting out of the hole, 'cause it sounds like you're in it. Get to your local drug and alcohol service and/or a meeting asap I say.

James90

The problem is I was once so happy as a child , things happend I ended how I am today. It's my release from all the pain. I know this , everybody who knows me knows that's the issue. I personally dont think I will ever beat those demons. It's that simple. Life isn't fair I know that but I dont think I can ever be truly happy , just the way it is. I dont like who I am today , I'm everything I never thought I'd be. It hurts.

Dee74

I know the logic is to get rid of the underlying pain and then stop drinking, but it actually works the other way around.

I couldn't have had a hope of dealing with my unresolved pain when I was drinking myself into unconsciousness nightly.

I'm not going to tell you that dealing with decades old trauma isn't painful - but it was a lot less painful that I convinced myself it would be, and a lot less painful that trying to drown the trauma in alcohol.

D

James90

Thanks Dee.

If I'm honest I feel like I've failed my self. So much potential I had to do good things I've wasted, some my own fault , some out of my control. Do I drink because I dont actually like me self? Very possibly.

Dee74

I've done much more in the 13 years since I quit than I did in maybe 20 years before that.

While not liking myself was a factor in my beginning to drink, I was drinking the way I did because I was addicted.

The reasons weren't really deeper or more complicated than that.

I hope you'll be good to yourself today James

D

Wastinglife

James, I've been lying to everyone I know for years. It's pathological. Although, the lies all have the purpose of hiding the true extent of my alcoholism and feeding my addiction. I rarely see family/friends and mostly just communicate through text/phone. They can't help me so I'd rather not them thinking of me as a hopeless drunk.

James90

I just wish things were different, I've forgotten what it's like to feel non artificial happiness. I could quite happily sit here and burst into tears in all honesty.

aasharon90

You are not alone. Many of us in recovery have
had trauma or abuse to happen in our lives and
reaching for a toxic substance to numb us so we
dont have to face, have to feel those, deal with
those unwanted feeling.

If we could just erase all that was bad in our lives,
folks that wronged us, hurt us, then we would be
okay. Just sweep all those people, places and things
under the rug, to not see or hear them, then we
would be okay.

So we drink, we numb, we remain emotionally, physically
sick day after day with feeling of no hope. Well.....

There is hope. There is a solution to get out of all that
pain. To put our addiction behind us. To learn how to live
life. Manage it with help from those capable of teaching
us how.

You dont have to do this alone or by yourself.

So many folks here who share on a continuous
bases have found peace and serenity in their lives
by incorporating lots of helpful suggestions, tools
and knowledge to live life healthy, happy and honest
day after day.

Some of us have been to rehab, which is where I began
my recovery journey 29 yrs ago and continue each day
remaining teachable and willing to learn new helpful ways
to enjoy life without my addiction that was slowly killing
me.

Many have found help by talking with theraphists, their
physicians, always being open and honest with them about
our addiction and recovery so that they can treat us accordingly
without administering meds that is habit forming and would
set us back from making progress in our own recovery.

Like I mentioned, you are not alone.

Ask questions and continue to learn how to put
your addiction behind you and fill your life with
purpose and responsibility and hope for a happier,
healthier life ahead of you.

James90

Thanks guys, with a clear head I know I wouldn't feel as anxious and down as I do that's just the withdrawal from yesterday taking over my brain. Possible the most horrible feeling ever.

Wastinglife

I am only on Day 5 so I have also been an anxious mess. I haven't slept at all in that time. Just wallowing in misery like you haha

boreas

IME, alcohol was not the release, crutch, support, and pain reliever I thought it was, though I had to get sober to see that. Alcohol didn’t help me cope, it robbed me of my ability to cope.

The bad stuff doesn’t disappear with sobriety, but it is so much easier to manage. Alcohol pulled me into the mess of it all and I was drowning. Sobriety is my raft.

You’ve defined the person you want to be. I think you will be incredibly fulfilled when you take steps and become that person.
-bora

D122y

I relate. If I didn't have a horrible mental and physical breakdown, e.g.pre stroke, I would still be a fat lazy drunk.

The addiction was too deep.

I can only tell you me. Breaking free from booze addiction was a living hell.

Oh and BTW, the temptation morphs.

Prayers you get out before too much damage is done.

Thanks.

brighterday1234

birwin91

I think the fact you are even at this level of self-realisation is such a HUGE step, it's actually I think one of the biggest steps on the road to recovery. And there's such a huge difference between knowing you have a problem, and knowing you have a problem and genuinely wanting to change. For years and years I knew I had a problem, I think we all do, but I accepted it, and quite happily I might add. I saw role models who were alcoholics, I turned it into this cool thing, twisted it. Accepting the truth was the hardest thing I've ever done, and that's right where you are, you've already taken a huge leap. It might seem selfish to you, but right now you need to concentrate on yourself, stop lying to yourself first, and deal with your problem for you. The others will come in time, but right now, you need to focus on you and your mental health.
Stop overthinking it; i know how hard that can seem, but weirdly, i found that that naturally happens over time, especially when you first become sober, your brain has time to fill in all the gaps usually taken up by drinking and your addiction in general. So you start to analyse. Don't try to deal with whatever you think is underneath. Your brain isn't really strong enough yet. Or at least, mine wasn't. I needed to go slow and simple. Concentrate on not drinking, or just living through your day. Dealing with real life, even when you're not an addict, is hard enough. The physical will come before the mental and emotional. In time, you'll discover the centre of it, why the lies etc. I jumped from one addiction to another (first alcohol, then smoking, then food) before I realised it was something deeper than being addicted to just alcohol. It was alight bulb moment, and things started clicking, but that took time and courage.
Everyone's story is different, I think you need to seriously cut yourself some slack, the alcohol is making the anxiety worse, trust me, we all go through this, you're doing better than you think you are. The fact you're on this forum, the fact you're aware of yourself, those are massive milestones!!!
Don't concentrate on the negativities, that you're lying about being sober or going to meetings etc. You came to this meeting didn't you? See, you're already not lying!!

DriGuy

Rather than make up stuff about yourself and what you are doing, you can start by actually doing some of that stuff. It's only a start of course, but we have to start somewhere.

I get it. Alcoholism carries with it a whole lot of shame. Our natural tendency is to cover it up with lies. Here or in meetings you can talk about this stuff. You don't need to confess it all to your friends and family. That will come later. I'll bet you your family knows more about what's really going on anyway.

nez

I felt this way. Recovery proved me wrong.

You haven't failed yourself. Your soul is still trying which is why you are reaching out. Listen to it.

Tetrax

Yep, much identification here.