Be123

ironwill

Be123,

I don't know if there is any 'gold standard' in recovery. Since your qualifier could of been sober over a year and then slip back off the wagon.

What i look for is just someone who is taking it one day at a time. Stating that they have a problem. Abstaining from alcohol, and working some type of program with other people. Knowing that it can't be fixed overnight and will require a lifetime comment to some type of program. It's also one that requires a long term commitment to keep that peace that comes with not wanting that next drink.

SparkleKitty

I think it would be seeing the person taking responsibility for themselves, their past behavior, and the consequences of that behavior.

Mango212

Hi Be123,

Have you done any recovery for yourself though Al-Anon? Each year I keep working my own recovery program, more clarity comes about everything else.

Hopeworks

mylifeismine

I agree that it is self responsibility and to me the greatest clue is when
the recovering addict/alcoholic no longer blames anyone
else or events for their troubles/addiction/losses/unhappiness, etc.

mylifeismine

I forgot to add
I believe the same goes for a codependent in recovery-
it's all about self-responsibility.

FeelingGreat

All of the above, and also taking on responsibility for day-to-day boring tasks that are needed to run a household without being asked.

Be123

hopeful4

I would see someone who is applying recovery to every aspect of their lives, continually working towards it, telling the truth, owning their own behaviors and showing sorrow for what they have caused in others (this is a big one, if they cannot own their own responsibility for their past behaviors, they are not in true recovery), and throwing themselves into participating in parenting (if that applies), and marriage or partnership (also if that applies). Not trying to sweep the past under the rug but seeing what actually happened and doing everything they could do to keep it from happening again.

It's a tall order.

Kokoro

As someone said; "talk is cheap, I want action!"

Recovery from what I understand is not a linear process at all. Lapses do happen for both the Q and the F&F of the Q so a gold standard is just impossible to have. All I can say is, noone can predict the future, you may as well live in the now.

August252015

Doesn't exist.

velma929

I think, because each partner has a different standard for what constitutes "acceptable" progress, no one can answer that question for anyone else.

LifeRecovery

BE123

I can't answer this question for my qualifier, but I can answer this question for myself. It was a loved one that got me to these boards, but I also have my own addiction challenges with work and food. I was working on those when I met, loved and married a problem drinker.

My recovery has been consistent and all encompassing. That does not mean that it has looked the same on any given day, but it has been weaved into the fabric of my life, daily, weekly and an organizing principle in my choices. It is about stitching together my past, my present and modifying my future behavior. Those for me are delving into the why of my behavior choices, realizing that they served a purpose and as I have healed making consistently better choices and letting go of many old behaviors, thoughts and processes.

As I have healed I have had an easier time of discerning when other people are doing their own work. I have made better choices of who I have let into my life as a result.

I have also gotten better about feeling into when people are not ready for their own work. I have stopped expecting people to live up to their potential and learned to be more accepting of where they are at....but also realizing it is my choice to stay in relationship or not with them at any given period of time.

So I have been thinking about your query since you initially posted it. My answer is as you do your own work, you will be able to see another's person recovery BECAUSE of your own work. Resonance is amazing.

As I kept bringing the focus back to me, my healing and my recovery my answers got clearer.

ElizabethReed

Thank you LifeRecovery for this thought-provoking post...this way of thinking is really helpful to me. It seems that bringing the focus back to ourselves is often the key.

Seren

I agree with those who say it will look different for each person in recovery. Some of the hallmarks for me would be openness, honesty, transparency, humility, and of course, actions which match the words.

Carol Star

Watch their actions not what they say......

Carol Star

Watch their actions not what they say......

OliviaLynnMarsh

I've asked this question very recently. What I can tell you is that in my case, what I see my AH doing now is so much more than what he has ever done to quit. He is seeing a professional addictions/trauma counselor every other week, he attends AA almost daily and is doing the 12 Step Study twice per week. Not everyone needs to do that to stop drinking but my husband does. I have a friend whose AH quit on his own and is almost a year sober. My AH tried that years ago and quit for 2 years but did not address underlying issues of past trauma. When he started drinking again, it was much worse and then he tried to moderate. This graduated to several incidents including drunk driving and our children becoming involved. I have to say that after I told his parents and opened up to our oldest kids in their 20s, I think it became a different ballgame for him. I wasn't the only one who knew, who watched anymore. Looking back, I think I can at least offer you this, if he continues to defend his drinking, he might be still in denial that there's a problem. I hope this helps.