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Closing in on 2 years sober! Starting my first relationship, any advise?



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Closing in on 2 years sober! Starting my first relationship, any advise?

Old 03-10-2020, 05:02 PM
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Closing in on 2 years sober! Starting my first relationship, any advise?

So despite posting here I have no urge to go back to drinking at all. I'm not saying that is not a risk of course, there would be danger in such arrogance. But I'm not posting because I feel the urge to now. What I'm posting about though is related to the emotional struggles that surround the issue for many of us.

I'm closing in on 2 years sober and I'm very happy about that. I've really poured a LOT of work into myself over the past several years. I've been in one on one therapy for this entire time and doing well there. I've taken up meditation 20 to 40 mins a day without fail, which has been transformative to my life! I've thrown myself into a hard workout routine that makes me feel great about how I look. I've socialized at every opportunity I can.

And now I'm facing my own personal Mt Everest. I'm dating a woman for the first time and it's going pretty fell I think. We are 3 dates in with a definite 4th. She is part of my friend group that I have been hanging out with for a while now so we met kind of naturally as friends. She actually happens to be my best friend's girlfriend's sister. My friend and their family are all aware we are dating now and support this. Their family has kind of adopted me over time actually lol. There is definitely a spark between us, more than a bit perhaps lol. We are definitely enjoying each others company and things are going well.

She knows I struggle with depression. I told her last date after asking for a kiss that I want to take this slow because of that.

I'm 37 and never been in a relationship. Never even held hands. I stayed away from all of that out of fear. I never thought I would be enough. That anyone would love me. Of course the problem is not that people have not loved me but that I have not loved myself. I have been awakening more and more to this fact through meditation and sitting with myself and allowing friends to change me. I am actually deeply loved and cared for and I am slowly learning to love myself. But it is a slow and painful process. The degree to which I am hard on myself and lack self compassion can be astounding.

And of course given my history with all of this and because this is my first relationship. I am more terrified by all of this than I am happy. In the moments spent with her so far things have been really very good. But I quickly descend back into my head. I realize I'm prone to codependency and fear. It's extremely difficult for me to untangle my emotions surrounding all of this. And from my feeling for her. There are 3 sides to me at the moment. The side that is excited and happy and loving this experience and my time with her. The side that is terrified and wanting to cut and run from all of this. And the side that fears that this isn't going to work and I'm going to end up hurting her and myself (I have no idea if this will work and there are some red flags to think maybe why not but it's not like we aren't into each other). And I am aware that it doesn't have to, I am more than just this moment. But knowing this factually and feeling it are 2 things. These 3 sides of me alternate and jockey for position over my emotions 10 times or more a day till I'm exhausted.

As I said I don't have an urge to drink over this. Screw that I'm not going back to that. But there is an immense amount of fear within me over this and I don't know what I am doing lol. I continue with my self care practices. Exercise. Meditation. Socializing with my other friends. But I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that such turmoil is normal. I've never done this before. Never had a relationship. This is new territory and is close to some major core wounds regarding my self value. This is extremely difficult stuff to sit with at times, though I am doing just that. Has anyone else gone through a similar journey?
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Old 03-10-2020, 06:34 PM
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I have never gone through this and I am not an alcoholic, but I hear you.

One thing that really stood out to me are the 3 sides to you. You know, there really aren't 3, all of them are you. You are exhausted because you are fighting yourself, that must be quite a fight! The fight isn't over until the ONE you is exhausted, that's the only way it can end.

To me, accepting yourself, as you are, is the first step to loving yourself. I think sometimes people imagine, how can you love yourself if you don't like certain things about yourself, well, by acceptance. The good and the things you may not like. That doesn't mean there aren't things all of us can work on, just means we are human.

None of the things you have described are weird or odd! All of us get conflicting feelings sometimes, even about good things.

Dating is about getting to know someone, all the good feelings are flowing, I think it's a really good idea to take it slowly and just see how it goes, try not to hop too much in to the what ifs and looking way down the road, just enjoy your time together and see where it goes. She obviously likes being around you!

Above all, just be yourself. She deserves that (and so do you).
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Old 03-10-2020, 06:35 PM
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Good job on 2 yrs sober! I have no advice to give on relationships, other than to be true to yourself above all. If you're true to yourself, you can't be false to anyone else.
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Old 03-10-2020, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I have never gone through this and I am not an alcoholic, but I hear you.

One thing that really stood out to me are the 3 sides to you. You know, there really aren't 3, all of them are you. You are exhausted because you are fighting yourself, that must be quite a fight! The fight isn't over until the ONE you is exhausted, that's the only way it can end.

To me, accepting yourself, as you are, is the first step to loving yourself. I think sometimes people imagine, how can you love yourself if you don't like certain things about yourself, well, by acceptance. The good and the things you may not like. That doesn't mean there aren't things all of us can work on, just means we are human.

None of the things you have described are weird or odd! All of us get conflicting feelings sometimes, even about good things.

Dating is about getting to know someone, all the good feelings are flowing, I think it's a really good idea to take it slowly and just see how it goes, try not to hop too much in to the what ifs and looking way down the road, just enjoy your time together and see where it goes. She obviously likes being around you!

Above all, just be yourself. She deserves that (and so do you).
Thank you! You are very right accepting myself for my struggle is indeed the key. It's funny I keep going back to loving myself and finding that it's a process much like my meditative practise where I continually notice again and again that I have stayed off the path and need to bring myself back to loving and accepting myself (or my breath in the case of meditation). It's amazing how quickly I lose sight of the fact that I am being hard on myself and not accepting myself as I am. My mind simply unconsciously slips into that self depracatory mode of not being enough. Of being something bad, or wrong. But you are right this is about accepting myself as I am. Flawed, needy, lonely, insecure, unsure of himself, sad, longing, but also kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny, with a warm heart and much to offer. I can't promise myself this will work or that I won't **** this up... no human can ever promise that, I am not a robot and should not want to be one, though it seems at times this is the gist of my inner perfectionism.

I am enough. I always have been. I just need to find ways to see this.
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Old 03-10-2020, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
Good job on 2 yrs sober! I have no advice to give on relationships, other than to be true to yourself above all. If you're true to yourself, you can't be false to anyone else.
Thank you. I try my best to be. Someties I worry I don't know what my own internal motives and drives are. Not that they are malicious or unkind but I wonder someties if I'll end up with the wrong people for me out of a need to be with someone. But... aside from that. Honesty, vulnerability and open communication are thankfully pretty strong qualities in me.
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Old 03-10-2020, 07:25 PM
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You are peering into your crystal ball to try and see the future Smilax. Put the crystal ball away because yours doesn't work any better than mine. I think you are struggling so mightily because you want to see what it's going to be and you don't want to wait for it. Remember a few sort of harsh truths about us humans going forward. We are very turned off by insecurity and neediness. In a perfect world we could express those feelings with no consequences, but in a perfect world there would, of course, be no insecurity and neediness. So anyway, you need to be confident and not chase her away with your tangled head full of emotions - all very legit emotions. They will drive her away fleeing into the night. Again, all of what you are feeling is so human, but we can be right and still be simply too much work to be with right? I think the apt phrase is high maintenance. Relax and enjoy this new thing and don't overthink it.
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Old 03-10-2020, 07:27 PM
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By the way, 2 years sober is an amazing stretch of good healthy time. Congrats on that!!!
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Old 03-10-2020, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Surrendered19 View Post
You are peering into your crystal ball to try and see the future Smilax. Put the crystal ball away because yours doesn't work any better than mine. I think you are struggling so mightily because you want to see what it's going to be and you don't want to wait for it. Remember a few sort of harsh truths about us humans going forward. We are very turned off be insecurity and neediness. In a perfect world we could express those feelings with no consequences, but in a perfect world there would, of course, be no insecurity and neediness. So anyway, you need to be confident and not chase her away with your tangled head full of emotions - all very legit emotions. They will drive her away fleeing into the night. Again, all of what you are feeling is so human, but we can be right and still be simply too much work to be with right? I think the apt phrase is high maintenance. Relax and enjoy this new thing and don't overthink it.
Yes thank you. I am aware of this danger which is why I have been very careful to keep all of this within myself. This is my own **** to work on that I am very aware. She knows I struggle with depression and I wish to take this slow and in time I may share some of my past and about my emotional struggles. But from a place of sharing, as I think she may be able to relate to some of these herself. Not from a place of desperation and need. Those are very much in me, red klaxon sirens going off in my head all the time. But those are for me, not for her. They are a sign that I don't love myself enough and are not her baggage to deal with. These are things I am definitely aware of. It's difficult for me to say for sure how little of this comes across, I suspect I may be a little needy in my texts but no hint do I ever give of what's really going on inside nor do I intend to. And I think this is as it should be and I think we are doing well!

Bad damn this is hard on my end lol.
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Old 03-10-2020, 08:26 PM
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Congrats on 2 years Smilax

the only advice I can give you is take it slow...don't be afraid to be yourself and try not to over analyse or jump too far ahead..let the good times be good times.

Wishing you all the best.
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Old 03-11-2020, 01:57 AM
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Congratulations on your sobriety. I'm happy you are in a relationship. No matter how it turns out, it will be a learning experience, and this is something to be grateful for. It's normal to worry that it may fail, but this is how you get to know people. Take it slow and see how it works out. The experience will be worth it.
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Old 03-11-2020, 01:57 AM
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Great job on nearly 2 years sober. I agree with a lot of the others here, take it slow and be true to yourself above all else.
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Old 03-11-2020, 02:46 AM
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Brilliant work on almost two years!
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Old 03-11-2020, 05:34 AM
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My two words: go slow. For all the reasons you described.

My now husband and I have an unusual history I won't go into here, but basically dated in high school and reunited out of the blue when he asked me to lunch summer of 2016. I was 4.5 mo sober and he was 1. That alone raised flags- except for a few major things: we had a very sweet, innocent and completely trustworthy basis from age 15; I was already working a hard AA program and sought a lot of guidance from people ahead of me, spiritual stuff etc; and we paced ourselves in time spent together.

In a nutshell we built a foundation that has turned into a wonderful marriage. Not everyone has this and for your VERY first relationship, all I can emphasize again is go slow, slower and even slower than perhaps you start feeling you want to.

Take care of you first, always.
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Old 03-11-2020, 07:43 AM
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It sounds like you're doing really well with your recovery and that you are continuing to work on yourself every day. I hope you can relax and enjoy your new relationship and have faith that things will work out as they should.
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Old 03-11-2020, 11:16 AM
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From my experience, I now run when I see a red flag.
I just ended my engagement in January. It would not have gone that far had I NOT ignored the red flags.
Best of luck
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Old 03-11-2020, 11:57 AM
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Hey congratulations on 2 years that’s great! But please be vigilant I let my guard down after 2 years and like you I had no intention to drink I thought I had it neat forever then on the 25th month I drank and spiralled to a mess I’m now 3 days sober I’m just saying never forget the dangers because I let my guard down and the beast saw an opening and dropped me in my ass. Always be on guard and good luck
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Old 03-11-2020, 03:31 PM
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Thank you Dee. Being myself shouldn't be too hard as that is something I've always strived to be at all times. I was bullied badly in school and for some reason still never tried to change to fit in really. Not overanalyzing is far more difficult for me lol. But one day at a time. :-)

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Congrats on 2 years Smilax

the only advice I can give you is take it slow...don't be afraid to be yourself and try not to over analyse or jump too far ahead..let the good times be good times.

Wishing you all the best.
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Old 03-11-2020, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
Congratulations on your sobriety. I'm happy you are in a relationship. No matter how it turns out, it will be a learning experience, and this is something to be grateful for. It's normal to worry that it may fail, but this is how you get to know people. Take it slow and see how it works out. The experience will be worth it.
Thank you!! Yes I really need to remind myself of this fact over and over and over lol. I put so much pressure on myself for things to need to work out. Even as they ARE working out lol. Of course doing this too much will only serve to sabotage a situation that is working well. This is indeed a fantastic growth opportunity for me. Even if this doesn't work as you said. I need to learn what I like and want, what i don't. What works and what doesn't. So far honestly things are going very well! I just find myself second guessing things a LOT after the fact. An old habit of mine linked to OCD and depression.
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Old 03-11-2020, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Reid82 View Post
Great job on nearly 2 years sober. I agree with a lot of the others here, take it slow and be true to yourself above all else.
Thank you.
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Old 03-11-2020, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
My two words: go slow. For all the reasons you described.

My now husband and I have an unusual history I won't go into here, but basically dated in high school and reunited out of the blue when he asked me to lunch summer of 2016. I was 4.5 mo sober and he was 1. That alone raised flags- except for a few major things: we had a very sweet, innocent and completely trustworthy basis from age 15; I was already working a hard AA program and sought a lot of guidance from people ahead of me, spiritual stuff etc; and we paced ourselves in time spent together.

In a nutshell we built a foundation that has turned into a wonderful marriage. Not everyone has this and for your VERY first relationship, all I can emphasize again is go slow, slower and even slower than perhaps you start feeling you want to.

Take care of you first, always.
Thank you. I'm very happy for you! Yes it's important for me to not lose myself in this. I can sense that is a definite danger. I need to keep as even a keel as I can. I think keeping up my other self care practices as I am is good. Monitoring how I'm feeling, being strictly honest with myself.
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