Lostndestroyed

Yesterday, my addict bf broke up with me because he wants to be in a relationship with his drug dealer. It's been a rocky two years, and i gave everything I could. I moved jobs for him, helped him financially, lost a baby with him... eventually I had to move out and things have been messy between us... I tried hanging on, but I guess nothing I did was enough. I was supposed to go see him last night, but after work, he messaged saying we should stop seeing each other because he feels connected to his dealer and wants to pursue that... lots of lies were told, and I'm just finding out the depths of them. I'm very heartbroken, sad, and feeling very betrayed. The day before, he was saying he missed me n couldn't wait to see me... now I'm cut off, and just left hanging...

I'm sad because I know his potential, i know his heart, and i know what he could be doing. Instead, he's wasting away, spiraling away, and now he's gone.

He said maybe we'll talk again one day, but for now, he's cutting me off cuz he's too used to talking with me.

I understand drugs mess a person up... I guess i just didn't realize how much...

Does a person like this come back around? Do they try talking to you again, after shattering you to pieces?

zoso77

Hey...

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm thankful that you're here. And whether you're aware of this or not, what you describe above neatly follows a template of what we often see here from people who've been hit by the truck that is addiction.

Other members will be by to greet you and offer you support. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating well, hydrating, and getting plenty of rest.

As for this question --

-- my hope for you is the process of healing, growing, and learning from what you've been through makes the answer to this question irrelevant in comparison.

Hang in there. And Welcome to the Board.

Lostndestroyed

Thank you for the kind words. I do feel like I've been bowled over by a freight train.

Ann

I'd like to welcome you too, you have come to a good place to find help for yourself. Take a good read around and you will see that relationships that involve an active addict never ever ever end well.

It's unlikely he will change, he shows no indication of wanting to and even if he did, his actions would need to back his words.

So that leaves you with two choices...to keep pursuing this relationship and finding more pain after pain until you stop...OR...start taking care of yourself and find a healthier way to live, which will hurt for a while but with time and your own recovery, will heal and lead to better days ahead...I promise.

Take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top, and learn from others here.

You are worth so much better than all this, truly you are. Start today and just keep moving forward, don't look back. Let the healing begin.

This is the second time I posted this today...I borrowed it from Daisybelle.

Lostndestroyed

Yeah, there is no going back, as painful as it is to say... The only saving grace I have in it is that i never go back when another romantic partner is taken by the former s.o. So, even tho there is the addiction, because he is pursuing the dealer, it's a complete deal breaker for me. One day, i would like to be friends because I do, absolutely, care about him... within boundaries.
Now, i have to figure out how to deal with the heartache, betrayal, and sadness... and the loss of the person I talked to every day for 2 yrs.
When he first told me, yesterday, i felt ripped apart, like someone had stabbed me and then stomped on the wound, just to add more pain...

Missmac35

Lostndestroyed

You are right... as much as I love him, and as many times I would have gone to hell and back with him, this is one standard I have and don't break on. I hope he n I can be friends, eventually, because I will never stop wanting to see him succeed, and thrive... I will always love him, but in a relationship, as a couple, never gonna happen again...

trailmix

Hi Lostndestroyed. These two things you said above. That's a pretty good example of addict thought/speech.

You see/saw the good in him and I'm sure he has some good attributes (almost all of us do!) but a few good attributes do not make a "good" person.

He obviously doesn't even know his own mind. Who says they miss you and can't wait to see you and then cuts you out of their life? An addict or any person who does not know what they are about or what they are doing from minute to minute.

That is who he is, right now, today. Is that a person you really need in your life, as a friend or otherwise? What does he offer you for your life? Love, compassion, empathy, wisdom, kindness, fun - anything? No, because he cannot be trusted with any of your feelings.

Substances change the brain, they also numb feelings, they also make for very self-centered people. The statement alone that:

"he wants to be in a relationship with his drug dealer"

Did you ever think, in your life, that you would be writing that? I mean really think about it. Growing up, thinking of being with an SO, that he would skip off to be with his drug dealer.

Which in fact is probably pretty good for him, to have his drug dealer as his partner. Please don't think that this is some kind of match made in heaven. See him 5 years from now and see where that leads. The drugs always come first.

I know you don't feel this now, but your life will actually be better without him to mess it up. You will go on to happier things. I would really recommend a group like Al-Anon, you can look up meeting times online.

Getting over this hurt will take time, there is no way around that. Some days will be better than others. Go ahead and feel your feelings but remember not to dwell there too much.

Also something that is recommended here a lot is to make a list of every terrible thing he has said and done. Seems painful? It's not as painful as you think. Once you have that list carry it with you everywhere and refer to it as often as you need, so that you are not ruminating on the "good times". That's not the reality of it and you will really need to remind yourself of that in the beginning.

Sleepyhollo

You don’t want to date anyone for their potential, because they will never reach their potential or what you think their potential may be. How do you even know what his potential is? And even if he were to magically get clean he may be a not at all be the person you think he would be. People change when they get sober, they have to if they want to stay clean.
But really why would you want to stay with this person? He is a drug addict and really has nothing to offer you, not long term anyway.
He has done you a huge favor but you just can’t see or accept that yet which is understandable. Educate yourself on addiction. My ex was an alcoholic and I didn’t realize how little I knew about addiction even being a medical provider.
I’m not saying your shouldn’t feel hurt or sad but with time you will realize that this was a very unhealthy relationship. I would also consider getting counseling because us people that tend to fall for addicts tend to continue to do so with future relationships as well unless we change. There is a reason we attract addicts. We are care the skiers/rescuers/pleasers for the most part and add its are very manipulative and very good at getting us sucked in smoothly and quickly.