Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2020
Posts: 1
Confused
Hello I’m confused, I’m 5 weeks pregnant. My bf is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks off and on sometimes binge drinks like 2 weeks at a time calling out and everything. We have tried to get him into a program but never being lucky. We just moved somewhere nice and I don’t want to argue anymore or cause drama esp with a growing baby. He makes irrationally decisions like (drinking and driving, calls out of work, and texts women on Facebook when drunk) I try to understand he works ALOT when he is sober sometimes 70 hours a week and he pays child support for two other kids so I know that really bothers him but i just think to myself am I really going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life it’s too much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Hi Kcooper and welcome! Glad you found us.
For the rest of your life? Probably, unless you change things. You have no control over him, just over yourself.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Oh and "high functioning" isn't a type of alcoholism, it's just a stage, they are functioning until they are not.
Recovery from alcoholism is an inside job. Even if he quits for a time, without help his chances of staying sober are not good (like attending AA meetings, seeing an addiction therapist etc).
Alcoholics, as you probably know by now, do not make good parents. You need to be clear headed to be a parent, it's a big job and takes care.
Have you considered separating before the baby is born? What would you like to do?
For the rest of your life? Probably, unless you change things. You have no control over him, just over yourself.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Oh and "high functioning" isn't a type of alcoholism, it's just a stage, they are functioning until they are not.
Recovery from alcoholism is an inside job. Even if he quits for a time, without help his chances of staying sober are not good (like attending AA meetings, seeing an addiction therapist etc).
Alcoholics, as you probably know by now, do not make good parents. You need to be clear headed to be a parent, it's a big job and takes care.
Have you considered separating before the baby is born? What would you like to do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
What I realized is that high functioning really means that the alcoholic is functional outside of the house, goes to work and keeps up a good front for the outside world. But once they are at home they are comfortable and such that high functioning stuff goes out the door pretty quickly. What I realized too late it hat my now XRAH was very absent emotionally but provided me with financial stability, vacations etc. Which is great but I didn’t realize how much we were lacking on the emotional front and that really took a toll on me to the point that when he finally did clean up it was too late for me.
There is no excuse to be drinking, I don’t care how much stress you have. Don’t get me wrong, we all look for explanations of why our loved one drinks too much but they are all just excuses. Everyone has stress and stuff going on in their lives but most people ressort to healthier coping skills than drugs and alcohol. I certainly explained away a lot of his drinking with his first divorce, his work etc. But eventually you realize that it is just an excuse.
Chances are it will get worse unfortunately unless he decides it is a problem and seeks help. My ex quit several times over the years but never with any help so it never lasted. He is now 3 years clean and sober but it came too late for me. At least he is sober for our kid whom he missed out on really for the first 7 years of her life due to his drinking. I made sure I did most of the driving. (Because I had the better newer family friendly car but really it was more so because I knew it would be safer).
Drinking alcohol is also no excuse to be texting other women and he made those two other children so it shouldn’t bother him too much that he has to pay child support for them. Do you know why that relationship failed? More than likely because of alcohol but of course he didn’t tell you that. I found out during marriage counseling that a big reason for the demise of his first marriage was that she was starting to interfere with his ability to drink freely. I was always told it was because she was a control freak. I mean it wasn’t as simple as that but it played a big role anyway.
Like PP said you can beg and plead until you are blue in the face to make him quit drinking but it won’t work unless he wants to stop for himself. Mine stopped several times but it was usually at my urging so just to keep me happy for a while. I never understood that but it is really important that you understand that and the fact that none of this has anything to do with you or your behavior.
You still have some time before the baby comes here so you don’t need to make any decisions now but I would get really educated on alcoholism and addiction and I would seriously consider going to alanon and/or a counselor for you who has experience with addiction to help you sort through all of this. It will help to have a unbiased third party involved to help you figure out what will be best for you.
Even if he decided to get clean, you are an alcoholic for life, and there is always a chance that they will relapse whether it is 1 month from now, 5 years or 20 years. Especially if they don’t continue to work their recovery program to some extent to maintain status quo.
There is no excuse to be drinking, I don’t care how much stress you have. Don’t get me wrong, we all look for explanations of why our loved one drinks too much but they are all just excuses. Everyone has stress and stuff going on in their lives but most people ressort to healthier coping skills than drugs and alcohol. I certainly explained away a lot of his drinking with his first divorce, his work etc. But eventually you realize that it is just an excuse.
Chances are it will get worse unfortunately unless he decides it is a problem and seeks help. My ex quit several times over the years but never with any help so it never lasted. He is now 3 years clean and sober but it came too late for me. At least he is sober for our kid whom he missed out on really for the first 7 years of her life due to his drinking. I made sure I did most of the driving. (Because I had the better newer family friendly car but really it was more so because I knew it would be safer).
Drinking alcohol is also no excuse to be texting other women and he made those two other children so it shouldn’t bother him too much that he has to pay child support for them. Do you know why that relationship failed? More than likely because of alcohol but of course he didn’t tell you that. I found out during marriage counseling that a big reason for the demise of his first marriage was that she was starting to interfere with his ability to drink freely. I was always told it was because she was a control freak. I mean it wasn’t as simple as that but it played a big role anyway.
Like PP said you can beg and plead until you are blue in the face to make him quit drinking but it won’t work unless he wants to stop for himself. Mine stopped several times but it was usually at my urging so just to keep me happy for a while. I never understood that but it is really important that you understand that and the fact that none of this has anything to do with you or your behavior.
You still have some time before the baby comes here so you don’t need to make any decisions now but I would get really educated on alcoholism and addiction and I would seriously consider going to alanon and/or a counselor for you who has experience with addiction to help you sort through all of this. It will help to have a unbiased third party involved to help you figure out what will be best for you.
Even if he decided to get clean, you are an alcoholic for life, and there is always a chance that they will relapse whether it is 1 month from now, 5 years or 20 years. Especially if they don’t continue to work their recovery program to some extent to maintain status quo.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome to Soberrecovery Kcooper. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you find lots of support here.
Unfortunately getting someone else to stop drinking and/or into a program rarely if ever works. Most of us here have tried to change/fix/help an alcoholic ourselves so we understand why you would try to help him . . . .it absolutely makes sense on the surface.
You might try starting to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. The stickies at the top of this forum are a good, if chaotic, mishmash of others' experiences with dealing with alcoholics. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
Unfortunately getting someone else to stop drinking and/or into a program rarely if ever works. Most of us here have tried to change/fix/help an alcoholic ourselves so we understand why you would try to help him . . . .it absolutely makes sense on the surface.
You might try starting to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. The stickies at the top of this forum are a good, if chaotic, mishmash of others' experiences with dealing with alcoholics. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kcooper…...you have come to a good place to learn about alcoholism and it's effects on the loved ones.....
You will have some important decisions to make which will affect your , and your child's welfare. Alcoholism affects every one that it touches...and, especially the family members who care the most about them.
A child that is raised in an alcoholic home is negatively affected by the alcohol...and, can carry those effects into their own lives. This is called the "generational effect"...…
We have thousands of real life stories...from those who have faced and dealt with alcoholism in their families and friends. I hope that you will read the stories....as you will learn much from those who have gone before you...
***If you click on the member's name...there will be a drop down menu---then select "all past threads"......and, you can read their stories from the very beginning! There are thousands of stories.....just like yours....
There is also a library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....in the "Stickies"---just above the threads, on the main page.....
Over a hundred articles! Enough for you to read one every single day.....
You will receive a good education about alcoholism if you will read the articles in the stickies.....
for your convenience I am going to give you a l ink to the stickies library of articles, below...….
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You will have some important decisions to make which will affect your , and your child's welfare. Alcoholism affects every one that it touches...and, especially the family members who care the most about them.
A child that is raised in an alcoholic home is negatively affected by the alcohol...and, can carry those effects into their own lives. This is called the "generational effect"...…
We have thousands of real life stories...from those who have faced and dealt with alcoholism in their families and friends. I hope that you will read the stories....as you will learn much from those who have gone before you...
***If you click on the member's name...there will be a drop down menu---then select "all past threads"......and, you can read their stories from the very beginning! There are thousands of stories.....just like yours....
There is also a library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....in the "Stickies"---just above the threads, on the main page.....
Over a hundred articles! Enough for you to read one every single day.....
You will receive a good education about alcoholism if you will read the articles in the stickies.....
for your convenience I am going to give you a l ink to the stickies library of articles, below...….
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Yes this will be your life and much more once your child is born. He is making irrational decisions now, is this someone you can leave your child with? You are already making changes for him by not arguing or causing drama, what has he done for you? A partnership is being able to rely on your partner, can you do that?
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