Hit a nerve
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Hit a nerve
Just had an incident tonight. A H got really angry/upset with me. He had just sat through me telling a friend about some cool work stuff - strike one. I've got an important work day tomorrow- strike two. I took an important piece of jewellery off when i was angry a while back and he just noticed - strike 3. He's told me before he finds my work stuff dull. My logical brain is trying to take charge - he's been drinking, I wont be censored etc. But my emotional brain is scrambled. Up until now there has been an uneasy standoff. This is different.
This is what happens to me. I have logical thoughts and sentences in my head but when it comes to the big conversations I get quite intimidated. At work, i overcome that with knowledge. In relationships, ive tended to say sorry to get the conversation over quicker.
Now I'm in my room and just feel sick and scrambled. Just so sick of the grief and so scared of the future.
This is what happens to me. I have logical thoughts and sentences in my head but when it comes to the big conversations I get quite intimidated. At work, i overcome that with knowledge. In relationships, ive tended to say sorry to get the conversation over quicker.
Now I'm in my room and just feel sick and scrambled. Just so sick of the grief and so scared of the future.
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Wombaticus…..I sooo totally relate to Hawkeye's post. I have felt the same way in the face of that kind of intimidation...….
I feel like there comes a point where trying to go toe-to-toe with idiotic ramblings of an alcoholic (or any kind of idiotic ridiculous person) is just a fool's errand. In those kinds of exchanges, I think that it is best not to JADE...
J-justify
A-argue back
D-defend
E-explain
Avoiding the JADE falls under the category of "detaching". Detaching can give you a bit more emotional space...
Ultimately, though, detaching is just one of the tools. Just like a hammer is a great tool, but, one cannot build a whole house with just a hammer....
Wombaticus….I can understand that you may feel overwhelmed with the grief and fear of the future.....That is why I think that detaching and getting a counselor or support group, like alanon, or a support group from the dv organization, etc....can help guide you in facing the fears of the future in bite-sized steps.....
One step that I think that can help is to turn your attention toward your future fears. Like...make a list of your top two or three greatest fears....and, then you can begin to chip away at those fears in baby steps...…
Remember that every giant step is just a series of little baby steps....
"How does a jug fill with water?......one drop at a time"...…...
I feel like there comes a point where trying to go toe-to-toe with idiotic ramblings of an alcoholic (or any kind of idiotic ridiculous person) is just a fool's errand. In those kinds of exchanges, I think that it is best not to JADE...
J-justify
A-argue back
D-defend
E-explain
Avoiding the JADE falls under the category of "detaching". Detaching can give you a bit more emotional space...
Ultimately, though, detaching is just one of the tools. Just like a hammer is a great tool, but, one cannot build a whole house with just a hammer....
Wombaticus….I can understand that you may feel overwhelmed with the grief and fear of the future.....That is why I think that detaching and getting a counselor or support group, like alanon, or a support group from the dv organization, etc....can help guide you in facing the fears of the future in bite-sized steps.....
One step that I think that can help is to turn your attention toward your future fears. Like...make a list of your top two or three greatest fears....and, then you can begin to chip away at those fears in baby steps...…
Remember that every giant step is just a series of little baby steps....
"How does a jug fill with water?......one drop at a time"...…...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
Now I'm in my room and just feel sick and scrambled. Just so sick of the grief and so scared of the future.
Don't ever believe that he doesn't know exactly what he is doing to you with his tirades. If he had done it once or twice, ok, lashing out (not acceptable but can be overlooked if you choose). A pattern is a pattern. He has found what works, what intimidates you and gets you back in to line.
Sadly, some people have this as a go to form of control. It's horribly ineffective in the long run, but for them, it has worked in the past and will continue.
At those times you are going against what he wants, this is his way to silence you, to get his own way. Seems cruel and unusual because it is! People with a healthy type of outlook on life are not going to feel the need to control you and are certainly not going to use fear and intimidation to bring you around to their way of thinking.
By the way, there is nothing wrong with you! You are reacting pretty normally, with fear, after years of being intimidated.
I'm not going to pretend it's not a struggle to leave or separate yourself emotionally, it is, it's hard! But it can be done. Perhaps at least try to separate emotionally. By staying engaged you are hurting yourself and how can that be good?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Wombaticus….I can understand that you may feel overwhelmed with the grief and fear of the future.....That is why I think that detaching and getting a counselor or support group, like alanon, or a support group from the dv organization, etc....can help guide you in facing the fears of the future in bite-sized steps.....
One step that I think that can help is to turn your attention toward your future fears. Like...make a list of your top two or three greatest fears....and, then you can begin to chip away at those fears in baby steps...…
Remember that every giant step is just a series of little baby steps....
"How does a jug fill with water?......one drop at a time"...…...
One step that I think that can help is to turn your attention toward your future fears. Like...make a list of your top two or three greatest fears....and, then you can begin to chip away at those fears in baby steps...…
Remember that every giant step is just a series of little baby steps....
"How does a jug fill with water?......one drop at a time"...…...
This has always been one of my grestest fears, and i can see that has kept me in bad relationships before. That, and a sense of obligation.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, sounds like a completely normal reaction. I like Velma's suggestion to just acknowledge without participating.
Don't ever believe that he doesn't know exactly what he is doing to you with his tirades. If he had done it once or twice, ok, lashing out (not acceptable but can be overlooked if you choose). A pattern is a pattern. He has found what works, what intimidates you and gets you back in to line.
Sadly, some people have this as a go to form of control. It's horribly ineffective in the long run, but for them, it has worked in the past and will continue.
At those times you are going against what he wants, this is his way to silence you, to get his own way. Seems cruel and unusual because it is! People with a healthy type of outlook on life are not going to feel the need to control you and are certainly not going to use fear and intimidation to bring you around to their way of thinking.
By the way, there is nothing wrong with you! You are reacting pretty normally, with fear, after years of being intimidated.
I'm not going to pretend it's not a struggle to leave or separate yourself emotionally, it is, it's hard! But it can be done. Perhaps at least try to separate emotionally. By staying engaged you are hurting yourself and how can that be good?
Don't ever believe that he doesn't know exactly what he is doing to you with his tirades. If he had done it once or twice, ok, lashing out (not acceptable but can be overlooked if you choose). A pattern is a pattern. He has found what works, what intimidates you and gets you back in to line.
Sadly, some people have this as a go to form of control. It's horribly ineffective in the long run, but for them, it has worked in the past and will continue.
At those times you are going against what he wants, this is his way to silence you, to get his own way. Seems cruel and unusual because it is! People with a healthy type of outlook on life are not going to feel the need to control you and are certainly not going to use fear and intimidation to bring you around to their way of thinking.
By the way, there is nothing wrong with you! You are reacting pretty normally, with fear, after years of being intimidated.
I'm not going to pretend it's not a struggle to leave or separate yourself emotionally, it is, it's hard! But it can be done. Perhaps at least try to separate emotionally. By staying engaged you are hurting yourself and how can that be good?
He's effectively punishing me for being hurt and sad by his actions. So it goes...
I was hurt, tried to discuss (insert issue) with him..
He doesn't engage in that discussion.
I feel frustrated about his lack of acknowledgment of (insert issue).
He gets angry with me and pulls the attention back onto him, ensuring the original issue never again sees the light of day. Classic move.
And the codies stay on that ferris wheel. The view is ok at the top, but not so good at the bottom. I need to hop off.
You're right, Trailmix. Its horribly ineffective in the long run. My father is still doing this into his late 70s and I was always intimidated by him growing up. The result is that I have stopped sharing a lot about my life and our conversations are cery superficial.
Everyone deserves to have their feelings acknowledged.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
"You don't have to attend every disagreement you are invited to" is a phrase that helped me a lot. You don't have to defend yourself from his verbal attacks. Maybe practice neutral non-responses like "Uh huh", "okay", "really", "you could be right", etc?
I'm sorry about the sick and scared feeling - it sounds miserable.
I'm sorry about the sick and scared feeling - it sounds miserable.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wombaticus…...you have everything inside of you that it takes to change the pattern....
Look at all of the people on this forum that have done so.....
Anyone who is strong enough to live with an alcoholic ….is More than strong enough to live without one...…..This , to me is one of life's biggest ironies.....LOL...…...
Look at all of the people on this forum that have done so.....
Anyone who is strong enough to live with an alcoholic ….is More than strong enough to live without one...…..This , to me is one of life's biggest ironies.....LOL...…...
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As the former Queen of ignoring problems and difficult conversations in hopes that they would go away, I can tell you--it takes practice. Something I still have to work on today.
But ignoring the uncomfortable conversations does not make them go away, does not mean that the difficult situations will heal themselves. Ask me how I know, lol!
Anyway, don't compound the problem by feeling bad because you could not have that difficult conversation. These kinds of conversations never run 'perfectly'. I found that practicing what I wanted/needed to say helped. I never knew about the J.A.D.E. acronym until I joined SR and have found it quite helpful!!
I'm so sorry you had a bad night and hope that you are feeling a bit better this morning!
But ignoring the uncomfortable conversations does not make them go away, does not mean that the difficult situations will heal themselves. Ask me how I know, lol!
Anyway, don't compound the problem by feeling bad because you could not have that difficult conversation. These kinds of conversations never run 'perfectly'. I found that practicing what I wanted/needed to say helped. I never knew about the J.A.D.E. acronym until I joined SR and have found it quite helpful!!
I'm so sorry you had a bad night and hope that you are feeling a bit better this morning!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel frustrated about his lack of acknowledgment of (insert issue).
that's called going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
won't happen. has not happened. will not happen.
he has demonstrated what HE is about - thinking that he will be anything else is wishful thinking on your part.
i am not excusing his behavior in any way. but it is what it is. clearly. repeatedly.
acceptance is key.
that's called going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
won't happen. has not happened. will not happen.
he has demonstrated what HE is about - thinking that he will be anything else is wishful thinking on your part.
i am not excusing his behavior in any way. but it is what it is. clearly. repeatedly.
acceptance is key.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry. That is a form of abuse.
It's so sad because you are immersed in it, so it has to be hard to get away from it. I hope you do know that you have a right to discuss things without his approval. You deserve to have conversations with friends even if he does not approve of them.
Sending you huge support.
It's so sad because you are immersed in it, so it has to be hard to get away from it. I hope you do know that you have a right to discuss things without his approval. You deserve to have conversations with friends even if he does not approve of them.
Sending you huge support.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I feel frustrated about his lack of acknowledgment of (insert issue).
that's called going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
won't happen. has not happened. will not happen.
he has demonstrated what HE is about - thinking that he will be anything else is wishful thinking on your part.
i am not excusing his behavior in any way. but it is what it is. clearly. repeatedly.
acceptance is key.
that's called going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
won't happen. has not happened. will not happen.
he has demonstrated what HE is about - thinking that he will be anything else is wishful thinking on your part.
i am not excusing his behavior in any way. but it is what it is. clearly. repeatedly.
acceptance is key.
Keeps me from being too much of a victim.
Thank you. Acceptance is a long process. Things take a long time to knot up. They take a long time to unravel. Sometimes that ball of string is so knotted up and mouldy, its actually too unsafe to try.
I know taking my engagement ring off was somewhat inflammatory. But I wanted to see how i felt just wearing my wedding band as a place holder.
A few days on, I feel much better. There's less and less to lose.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
The zinger...
I love the plot line of having the ready response... for the qualifier like You’ve Got Mail explores...
i am am pretty good at zingers but they usually end up being unhelpful with the qualifier.
instead I strike a thoughtful pose and crinkle my forehead and say:
”thank you for sharing how you feel or your insight or your brilliant analogy ... pick one...
i will give that some serious thought!
and then I exit.
it works...
i am am pretty good at zingers but they usually end up being unhelpful with the qualifier.
instead I strike a thoughtful pose and crinkle my forehead and say:
”thank you for sharing how you feel or your insight or your brilliant analogy ... pick one...
i will give that some serious thought!
and then I exit.
it works...
Last edited by Hopeworks; 03-11-2020 at 04:32 PM. Reason: Fix
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
I love the plot line of having the ready response... for the qualifier like You’ve Got Mail explores...
i am am pretty good at zingers but they usually end up being unhelpful with the qualifier.
instead I strike a thoughtful pose and crinkle my forehead and say:
”thank you for sharing how you feel or your insight or your brilliant analogy ... pick one...
i will give that some serious thought!
and then I exit.
it works...
i am am pretty good at zingers but they usually end up being unhelpful with the qualifier.
instead I strike a thoughtful pose and crinkle my forehead and say:
”thank you for sharing how you feel or your insight or your brilliant analogy ... pick one...
i will give that some serious thought!
and then I exit.
it works...
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Hey Wombaticus, try keeping up an argument when the other person is agreeing with you! So you go, 'you could be right', or 'that's a POV', or even 'I see'. Do this a couple of times and he won't have anywhere to go.
Telling you he finds everything about your work boring - 'Yes, I'm sure and outsider would find it boring' or 'I don't blame you'.
Telling you he finds everything about your work boring - 'Yes, I'm sure and outsider would find it boring' or 'I don't blame you'.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hey Wombaticus, try keeping up an argument when the other person is agreeing with you! So you go, 'you could be right', or 'that's a POV', or even 'I see'. Do this a couple of times and he won't have anywhere to go.
Telling you he finds everything about your work boring - 'Yes, I'm sure and outsider would find it boring' or 'I don't blame you'.
Telling you he finds everything about your work boring - 'Yes, I'm sure and outsider would find it boring' or 'I don't blame you'.
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