thomas11

This probably belongs in friends and family section but over the last month things came to a head with my parents (i'm early 50's and they are mid 70's and until recently both were mentally sharp) . I went minimal contact for a long time. My dad was admitted to the hospital a week and half a go. He's out now but things are not good. He's not even the same person, so I thought being a good son I should try to show that I do care about them and reached out to both mother and father. That being said, I blew up on my dad about a month ago, and I blew up on my mom about 2 weeks ago. I'll spare everyone the details but on both occasions they deserved what they got. Well, it came to my attention yesterday via my only sibling (younger brother) that we need to stop all communication with each other. I had planned on it anyway, but to hear it from their side kind of hurt. They don't want to hear from me, and my Dad may die any day now. So the the totality of it all has me kind of bummed, but I know I will survive this.

DaisyBelle7

I’m so sorry this is happening. It has to be very overwhelming. I hope I’m not being too bold, but is there any way you would consider mending things with your dad? Not knowing the details, this might not be possible, but I worry about the ramifications on you after he passes. I know things are raw right now, but what if he passes... how might you feel 6 months from now?

tomls

Only you know the situation. Whatever you decide to do, please don't drink. That wouldn't help anything.

Surrendered19

Family pain is very tough Thomas. I had to let most of it go because it was one of the things driving me towards an early grave. But some of it will always be with us. You will absolutely survive it and thrive. I am sorry you are hurting.

Anna

Jeff, I'm really sorry for this painful situation. But, you did reach out to them and did what you could. It didn't work out, which is sad, but it happens in families. It's good that you initiated contact recently and hopefully, whatever happens with your Dad, the fact you did that will make things a little easier to deal with.

Dee74

I'm sorry for the response but I think you did the right thing reaching out. Jeff.

A lot of my recovery has been learning how to deal with the things I cannot change - because they are not my things to change.

It might be a good subject for you to raise with your therapist too?

D

sva777

My father is also in his 70's, he is also not the same person he once was. Unfortunately he still imagines himself a 30 year old man, tough decisions that need to be made are being ignored and it is detrimental to his life and my mothers. I have tried repeatedly to help but to no avail, I have decided that I can only do so much.

Focus on your sobriety and let this one go.

thomas11

Dee and Anna, I agree with both of you, regardless of the situation I need a clean conscience if I tip over tomorrow. And I would have a clean conscience. Regarding my therapist, I will indeed get his input on the situation.

thomas11

Appreciate your input SVA. Its nice to hear from you, hope all is well.

entropy1964

Family. Mine is extremely challenging. And my behavior when connected with them even more so. I seem unable to be the person I know I am.....forgiving, centered, loving. I am angry, neglected and always trying to defend myself. Some things never change. I get where that comes from. But Lord I wish I could just let all the shlit go and move forward. I have a very hard time with that. At this point it is more with my brothers than my folks, who are both in their late 80's and mentally gone.

I got the text yesterday my Mom had a major stroke. She's in the hospital. I'm probably going to write a thread about this because I need to get my feelings out. But it is absolutely on me to figure out how NOT to become the angry little 8 year old. No matter what my brothers do, say etc it is on me not to react.

I don't know your situation at all. You just have to do what your heart and gut tell you to do. And then be good with it.....

thomas11

I appreciate this post because it makes me understand that I am not alone. WHen I look objectively at my upbringing, my folks were very cruel. And I just woke up to this in the last few years. Now I'm going through the grieving process of judging my parents for who they truly are. Low quality, low class individuals. And selfish.

entropy1964

Yeah. I understand. And it is a grieving process...we are biologically designed to love our parents or be, at minimum, extremely bonded. It's so hard when you realize they aren't good people.

My folks are just clucked up. The whole family is. Cruel, even very cruel, stuff happened. But I know everyone was doing their best, even what they thought was right (well except one brother who is simply a sociopath). I've learned that no one, including me, even knows what right is. I had to learn that the hard way. Right is right. Wrong is wrong. I was taught that 'right' is what gets me what I want. Yikes. Survival of the most manipulative.

Emotion? Forget about it. Yesterday when I found out about my Mom I was shocked. Now, that's kinda stupid. She 85...frail, severe dementia. And a family history of stroke. This is the call, or text rather, I've known was coming. But I'm standing there in Pottery Barn feeling like I was going to barf. When I got in the car I called my brother, got the low down, and got a bit choked up. He immediately says to me "You CANNOT f-r-e-a-k out' (He spells it out because he's in her room). I said quietyly 'I'm not freaking out, I'm just a little emotional. I'm sorry". We got off the phone and ya know what pissed me off? The very fact that I CANNOT show even the slightest emotion. No one has. One of my brothers simply sent a text 'Bummer' in response to Mom's near death stroke. They just blow me away. It's the 'business casual' family. God forbid someone shed a tear.

So anyway, sorry to hijack your space. It's all heart breaking and selfishly I wish it were just all over. But that's a horrid thing to say. It's me who can't handle seeing my nutso, crappy parents in a home, completely out to lunch. And my insanely selfish, narcissistic brothers...and their equally nutso wives. YIKES.

Fun huh? Families. I guess we both have to protect ourselves. Because there is no faster path to a bottle if I let myself revert back to my childhood self. So stiff upper lip, stay calm, carry on.