Using again and lying

Old 03-06-2020, 07:27 AM
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Using again and lying

A few years ago my husband was in treatment for addiction to prescription opiates after he became addicted after surgery. After being lied to for almost 2 years that he was “getting off them” or “tapering” he was unsuccessful and needed to go to outpatient rehab and that seemed to help. Months later he began to drink more instead. Fast forward to me threatening divorce and leaving w my two kids... he got his act together. Or so I thought. It’s been 3 years and just recently I have noticed the pinned pupils, mood swings, and I was suspicious. He claimed his eye drops caused the constricted pupils. So I made him take a test. Well I was stupid and didn’t watch. He just handed me a cup after he came out of the bathroom and it was negative. (I suspect he stored clean pee at some point??) He is crafty like all addicts.
I searched his phone last night while he was asleep in his clothes- after drinking almost a Liter of wine... I saw texts to a coworker to buy pills. I am sick to my stomach. I asked him to take a test this morning while I watched- which he failed. I told him I want to talk after work and I’m expecting him to be honest. He denies it all. Typical addict stuff. My teenage children have noticed he’s been weird lately as well and we leave for vacation Tomorrow!! I’m panicking. Help. How do I proceed? I feel stuck. I am a stay at home mom and he is a high paid exec and holds the money thing over my head if I leave. I’m at a loss.
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:40 AM
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I am sorry you are in this position. Do you have family you can stay with? Do you have access to funds? If so, make a nest for yourself so you can have some money set aside to be prepared. I know of one woman who had to do this by getting cash back on the debit card every time she shopped. Whatever you need to do.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:15 AM
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I am so sorry to hear this. I understand what you are feeling. I have recently discovered that my husband is using again, too. It feels like a complete betrayal. I have been seeing a therapist, and I'm trying to remember that it is the addiction, and not necessarily him as a person. I am trying to remember not to blame, but to take measures to protect myself and my family. I see that you are in a difficult situation since he is the sole financial provider. I agree with "hopeful4" that maybe you can find a way to start putting money aside, or maybe you have friends and family you can stay with. It will be difficult, but I am learning that those of us who are married to addicts need to do the hard things to protect ourselves and our families. Unfortunately, it sounds like he will continue to use and is not wanting to quit. My therapist said that it can be almost impossible to quit without rehab and probably needing to take other medication for the rest of his life to help with the addiction. She said that opiate addiction can take hold after just 2 weeks of use, and it sounds like your husband has been addicted for years. They learn to hide it. My husband is also a high-functioning addict, and can hide it well. He will not take a urine test for me either.

I hope you can find some help. We are here to talk.
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Old 03-07-2020, 11:57 AM
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I'd be willing to wager you already know how you should proceed. The question you have to answer is: are you ready to pull that particular trigger.

Mind you, I'm not minimizing what pulling it means in terms of consequences, both short and long term. But how many years have you been dealing with this? Prescription opiates? Booze? And now your children are noticing their father is acting weird. Probabilistically speaking, it's unlikely he'll ever change. And keep in mind what he's doing -- indulging himself at the expense of everything else -- is not coterminous with the vows you took with him when you married.

Based on that, you have both license and justification to do what is necessary to protect yourself and to spare your children from further disruption.

When you're ready to go there, we'll see you through it. In the meantime, you're safe with us.

Welcome to the Board.
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Old 03-22-2020, 07:38 PM
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Well- I discovered a small little bottle under the sink of “fake urine” that he bought at a head shop and o confronted him about it. He admitted almost everything and begged me to give him a chance and said he’s only using recreationally and I don’t even know what to believe. He is submitting to drug tests - in front of me and has passed since my post and hasn’t had pinned pupils since. This quarantine situation isn’t helping the tension in the house. I don’t think I can ever forgive him anymore and find myself just completely resentful of him. There’s only so many lies I can take. I can’t make any next steps at this stage being quarantined in a house with him and kids. I don’t know what next steps are besides taking small amounts of cash here and there. Even then- that won’t help me. I have literally no family in this state and no good friends since we moved here for his job. I feel helpless and like I’m just in a cage at this point. Regardless if he using buying pills— he drinks and is verbally abusive to me all the time. I have become so numb and used to it. I just deserve better but after 25 years with someone you become immune. I can’t even take him being home much longer.
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Old 03-22-2020, 09:24 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that CL.

Perhaps now is the time to start making a plan. When you are looking at the big big picture, it can certainly feel like you are trapped, but that's probably not entirely accurate.

First thing would be a consultation with a lawyer, most will do a consultation for free. Find out what the laws are in your state with regard to separation and/or divorce. What are the property laws, would you need to sell your house, for instance and split the proceeds.

Secondly, is it possible that if you do decide to separate that you could move to a state where you are near more family members? Do you work or could you perhaps find work. Is there family in another state you could live with until you got on your feet?

I know the timing is completely off and the last thing you want to do right now is move, but this will pass and things will get better.

Small steps will get you moving forward.
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