Sasha1972

This isn’t happening for a few months, but I’m starting to think about it now:

What should I do (if anything) to mark the anniversary of my alcoholic ex’s death? For myself, I feel no need to mourn or to commemorate a year since his passing - he behaved terribly towards me in the last years of his addiction, and the person I married has been gone for much longer than a year. But for my daughter, he was her father and she loved him, even as she had to navigate the alcoholic craziness he descended into.

I feel like it would be callous to just let the day pass without comment - this was an event of huge significance to Kid (and to me too, albeit very differently). But I can’t honestly say that I’m sad, or that I miss her dad too, or that we’re somehow both mourning the loss.

I am trying to think of something I could do to acknowledge Kid’s loss, without being a hypocrite. I know she’s not going to forget what day he died, although I am pretty sure she’ll say nothing to me. This is unknown territory. Does anyone have any insights?

AnvilheadII

how do you handle the anniversary of any other deaths?

i think i'd be tempted to let your daughter decide this one for herself. let her be the lead and if she chooses silence, so be it. it is HER loss of her father.

trailmix

I agree. Now I'm not a kid but I couldn't even tell you which year my parent's died or on what day. I choose not to remember or make it some kind of "sacred" day.

If you feel you want to do something or she decides to, can I suggest a celebration of his life instead? Going to his favourite restaurant for dinner or the bowling alley you all used to go to, or anything you can think of that you did as a family that was fun.

Anyway, just a thought.

dandylion

Sasha...….another symbolic thing to do is to select a poem or some appropriate thoughts....to be placed in helium balloons and released into the atmosphere.
I do think that rituals are a way that allows us to grieve and accept the losses in our lives.....and, there is no possible way to compare your own feelings about his passing with her experience of the loss......

Seren

As you say, it is a few months away. Perhaps when the anniversary is a few weeks away, simply ask your dear daughter what she would like to do to mark the occasion?

velma929

A friend of mine lost her sister in early December one year. The next year, rather than sending a Christmas card, I just sent one with a "thinking of you" type sentiment just before the anniversary of her death.

SparkleKitty

I am on the side of asking your daughter what, if anything, she'd like to do for the anniversary rather than trying to anticipate it.

Amaranth

Friends of mine lost a son and they don't mark the day of his death. It's too painful. They do celebrate his birthday though.

This might be an approach for your daughter. Celebrate his life and his achievments rather than his sad and unpleasant death. Celebrate him for the man he was, not the man he became.

Would you be able to ask your daughter if she would like to do anything?
If you wait for her to take the lead and she doesn't, she might be waiting for you to take the lead and then there's a load of unspoken stuff that can lead to mis understanding.

hopeful4

I personally would ask her what she wants and feels comfortable with.

Sasha1972

Thanks everyone - you’ve reminded of my tendency to try to take charge of things, and that I can’t and shouldn’t try to organize and plan everything for other people. I’ll check with Kid a few weeks before the date and ask if she would like to do something or would like to just let it pass by. Our neighbourhood association is organizing a tree-planting day around the time of his death, and planting a tree in his memory might be a nice thing ... but I won’t push my own bright ideas unless Kid indicates that she wants them.

SmallButMighty

My mum plants trees for people important to her, when they arrive or depart. There is quite a story when she walks you around her 5 acres. It's very important to her. I hope your daughter will be interested in a living tribute like that to her father. I do respect that you are going to leave that up to her. You're a really good mom Sasha. I know teenage girls are a challenge at the best of times, so, hang in there.

Wombaticus

I am sure she will know the perfect thing. Even though it is mainly her loss, you are teaching her respect and compassion by acknowledging his death.

PuzzledHeart

And she may not know the perfect thing for herself until years after the fact. It may be something that she chooses not to disclose to you. She may try a couple things for a couple years before she finds something that sticks. It's her ritual - no one's grading her on it, and it can be as strange and messy and as big or as little as she wants it to be, even if it's nothing at all.

Don't be surprised if she's so confused that she doesn't even know where to begin. I myself don't do anything big when my friends' anniversaries come up, but I do whisper silent prayers and thanks whenever one friend's "sign" crosses my path (actually when I think of it, I have symbols for all of my friends who've passed away.).

Bekindalways

Sounds good Sasha.

I have teenage nephews. I was a stay-at-home aunt so I'm pretty bonded with them. I absolutely absolutely know my relationships with them are way way easier than a mom/kid relationship; However I keep reminding myself to back off, back off and then back off some more . . .ugh not easy.

If you were going to do some recognition of the anniversary of his death for yourself, with out kid, what would that look like?

suki44883

I agree you should allow your daughter decide what, if anything to do. If she asks you, you might suggest going to his grave and placing some flowers and taking a few minutes to meditate.

Sasha1972

Unfortunately he doesn't have a grave: his mortal remains are in a cardboard box in my office at work. I literally could not give his ashes away - his sisters didn't want them, his most recent ex-wife didn't want them, the girlfriend he was living with at the time of his death, to whom he was supposedly engaged, has disappeared, his last remaining friend said "um, how about you handle this?". It's symptomatic of someone who had no healthy social relationships at the time of his death, which makes the whole mourning process more complicated.

Bekindalways

Hmmm . . . . well, sounds like if Kid mentions wanting to do something in memory of her father's death anniversary, you have cremations in need of a scattering . . . . this would be a nice lovely thing to do but I'm guessing Kid may not remember, or remember and not want to talk about it or just be grouchy and not even know why . . . you mom's have it tough . . . ugh . . . . courage to you Sasha.

(ugh. irk and sigh seem to be the words I use the most on this forum!)

StormyWeather33

Sasha, My AXH died when our kid was 10 - he died on his bday. Each year I get a small cake or cupcake and casually tell a few funny stories about him. I don't make a big deal of it, and I really try to keep it light (not sad), so it's a way to remember him (we also don't have a grave, only a box of ashes). Some years kid likes this tradition, and some years doesn't want to do it. I just roll with however kid is feeling.

nikegoddess112

Sasha,

How are you and your daughter doing today?

Blessings.