Wife has told me she wants to seperate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Wife has told me she wants to seperate
20 years of marriage and my wife has decided to split up. I am completely broken. I am doing everything in my power to try to stop it happening but ... it's happening.
We've got two kids. I'm not sure I can carry on but couldn't bare them growing up knowing their dad has topped himself.
Yes - it's alcohol related. All alcohol related. All ******* alcohol related. It's turned me into an absolute monster for years on end. I don't blame her at all, it's all on me.
Im five days sober and just beside myself. I don't expect sympathy, I just wanted to puke this message up to people who may understand.
I am so mad at alcohol and myself. I don't know what to do
We've got two kids. I'm not sure I can carry on but couldn't bare them growing up knowing their dad has topped himself.
Yes - it's alcohol related. All alcohol related. All ******* alcohol related. It's turned me into an absolute monster for years on end. I don't blame her at all, it's all on me.
Im five days sober and just beside myself. I don't expect sympathy, I just wanted to puke this message up to people who may understand.
I am so mad at alcohol and myself. I don't know what to do
Last edited by Be123; 03-02-2020 at 02:59 PM. Reason: Mia spelt words
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I think I understand. In all reality, the absolute best think you can do is to continue with your sobriety. Women don't make decisions like this suddenly. It's been planned. You can't stop it from happening. The best thing you can do is make yourself a better person and like I said, don't drink. Your kids need you. They are more important than you. (I had someone tell me that when I got divorced and my son was 4. It's true.)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
I'm really sorry Be.
They say the best thing to do when you're in a hole is stop digging.
If you stay sober there's always the change of reconciliation - but there's no chance if you are drinking.
If you're feeling really low - please call someone and ask for help.
Don't make a forever decision on the way you feel today.
There are numbers you can call:
CALM, the campaign against living miserably
Helpline – Nationwide
Call 0800 58 58 58
Our national helpline is open 7 days a week, 5pm to midnight. Callers can talk through any issue, we’ll listen and offer information and signposting. Calls are anonymous & confidential and won’t show up on your phone bill. Calls are free from landlines, payphones and O2, Orange, Virgin & Vodafone mobile networks. Other mobile networks and supermarket brand sims may charge.
https://www.thecalmzone.net
Papyrus:
Call HOPELineUK 0800 068 41 41
or email: [email protected] *
or text: 07786 209697* *You do not have to give your name or whereabouts.
[for 35 yo and younger but if you're older I'm sure they can refer you to other places]
Samaritans Call 116 123 (free to call)
maybe a meeting based recovery group like AA, SMART Recovery or LifeRing could help to? You'd have real people to connect with?
D
They say the best thing to do when you're in a hole is stop digging.
If you stay sober there's always the change of reconciliation - but there's no chance if you are drinking.
If you're feeling really low - please call someone and ask for help.
Don't make a forever decision on the way you feel today.
There are numbers you can call:
CALM, the campaign against living miserably
Helpline – Nationwide
Call 0800 58 58 58
Our national helpline is open 7 days a week, 5pm to midnight. Callers can talk through any issue, we’ll listen and offer information and signposting. Calls are anonymous & confidential and won’t show up on your phone bill. Calls are free from landlines, payphones and O2, Orange, Virgin & Vodafone mobile networks. Other mobile networks and supermarket brand sims may charge.
https://www.thecalmzone.net
Papyrus:
Call HOPELineUK 0800 068 41 41
or email: [email protected] *
or text: 07786 209697* *You do not have to give your name or whereabouts.
[for 35 yo and younger but if you're older I'm sure they can refer you to other places]
Samaritans Call 116 123 (free to call)
maybe a meeting based recovery group like AA, SMART Recovery or LifeRing could help to? You'd have real people to connect with?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Thanks dee - I don't feel suicidal, I just cannot see a point in going on alone. I'm being quite rational and am safe and not at risk today.
I am just weeping. It's been coming for months - years - yet it has come as a complete surprise. I'm such an idiot. Really - I am SUCH an idiot. I want to hurt myself (don't worry, I'm not going to!) to punish myself for my stupidity.
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like screaming, crying, disappearing
******* alcohol stupidest ongoing mistake I've ever made
I am just weeping. It's been coming for months - years - yet it has come as a complete surprise. I'm such an idiot. Really - I am SUCH an idiot. I want to hurt myself (don't worry, I'm not going to!) to punish myself for my stupidity.
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like screaming, crying, disappearing
******* alcohol stupidest ongoing mistake I've ever made
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,572
I'm so sorry Be123. I know the feeling as well.
I've been crying a lot lately, remembering.....For what it's worth Be123 it has helped. Felt good to cry.
Just stay sober and let it unfold. It's OK to cry.
I've been crying a lot lately, remembering.....For what it's worth Be123 it has helped. Felt good to cry.
Just stay sober and let it unfold. It's OK to cry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Thanks driguy. That means so much.
Yeah; I'm sober. I've been nice since she dropped it on me a few days ago...I'm in shock but god knows why because this is the most obvious plot EVER. Husband drinks daily; wife eventually can't take any more. Shocker huh?
Im just such an idiot. Why of why of why????
Yeah; I'm sober. I've been nice since she dropped it on me a few days ago...I'm in shock but god knows why because this is the most obvious plot EVER. Husband drinks daily; wife eventually can't take any more. Shocker huh?
Im just such an idiot. Why of why of why????
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
I'm really sorry to hear that. I know you've been struggling to quit for a long time - the best thing for you to do for both yourself and your kids is stay away from the bottle. I've been through a divorce, and I know how bad it can get. Time and sobriety will be your best guides through this. Staying in touch, here and in the real world can only help you as well. Again I'm sorry for what you're possibly going to go through. Stay strong and keep your kids in the front of your thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Thanks LG. Yes it's been a long and particularly unsuccessful battle.
But I've given up now so that's in the past. Unfortunately it looks a bit too late for the most important thing in my life.
Oh who am I kidding? Booze has been the most important thing in my life. I can't sugar coat it.
At least booze is in my past even if this **** looks like ruining my future
But I've given up now so that's in the past. Unfortunately it looks a bit too late for the most important thing in my life.
Oh who am I kidding? Booze has been the most important thing in my life. I can't sugar coat it.
At least booze is in my past even if this **** looks like ruining my future
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Shocker indeed. Thats what alcohol can and will do. I feel you man. Very sorry for your situation. STAY SOBER. You wont get your wife back drunk. I can guarantee you that. Most of all stay sober for yourself. I'm about 9 months sober now and I can tell you it feels so much better and lots of good things happen because of it that you can never imagine. We are here for you. Stick around and post and read and get some rest and food. Dont drink.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sending you a prayer for strength in getting clean and learning to live a sober life.
My trouble, losing my great job of 24 years, is trivial to yours.
Get well. I hit the gym from day 1. All the energy saved from not being a drunk got me strong and gave me a natural high.
Basically, I am still an active addict, but I get high on life..
Thanks.
My trouble, losing my great job of 24 years, is trivial to yours.
Get well. I hit the gym from day 1. All the energy saved from not being a drunk got me strong and gave me a natural high.
Basically, I am still an active addict, but I get high on life..
Thanks.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation but the best thing to do is to stay sober, no matter what. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Thanks people. I've just journaled all the crap in my head. I'm choosing to take all your advice on board (STAY SOBER!) and then a couple of messages that advised me that separation may not be terminal.
It may be and god knows I deserve it. But the only way to avoid it is to get sober, but much more than that, get better. Stop lying. I am so selfish, my whole response has been about poor old me, I haven't even thought how she must be feeling to do this with two kids, a shared house, 20 years in. I really am a schmuck (swearing being censored is making me creative).
Ill be on here super regularly, if you get sick of me tell me until then I'll be on here like a super user
It may be and god knows I deserve it. But the only way to avoid it is to get sober, but much more than that, get better. Stop lying. I am so selfish, my whole response has been about poor old me, I haven't even thought how she must be feeling to do this with two kids, a shared house, 20 years in. I really am a schmuck (swearing being censored is making me creative).
Ill be on here super regularly, if you get sick of me tell me until then I'll be on here like a super user
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Location: here & there
Posts: 268
Could write a lot about on this....having been there. But here's a couple of thoughts, some good news and some bad.
Bad first. Problem is that she may have left a long time ago. I got told, 'we split up a year ago, you just didn't see it'. This means that she may be way ahead of where you are in processing the reality of separation.
The good news. Psych advised me that a common pattern of separation is a process of leaving and returning to the relationship to confirm or challenge the intent to leave. Rarely does the partner storm out and never return.
If she edges back and finds you still drinking.....it will only confirm her intent and resolution to get out. If you seem to be making progress....showing, not telling, then with time and patience you may be able to find a new way forward together. But it will be a different way.....
All the best with it.
Bad first. Problem is that she may have left a long time ago. I got told, 'we split up a year ago, you just didn't see it'. This means that she may be way ahead of where you are in processing the reality of separation.
The good news. Psych advised me that a common pattern of separation is a process of leaving and returning to the relationship to confirm or challenge the intent to leave. Rarely does the partner storm out and never return.
If she edges back and finds you still drinking.....it will only confirm her intent and resolution to get out. If you seem to be making progress....showing, not telling, then with time and patience you may be able to find a new way forward together. But it will be a different way.....
All the best with it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
From a women's perspective, it takes a lot for us to give up on our men. I am sure it was an incredibly hard decision for her to make but as you say it was a long time coming.
Stay sober and work diligently on your recovery. This is the only way you can show her how serious you are and maybe there will be a chance to save your marriage.
Stay sober and work diligently on your recovery. This is the only way you can show her how serious you are and maybe there will be a chance to save your marriage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Hi GC. Thanks for that. Unfortunately my alcoholic stupor has meant I've been oblivious to the obvious.
I texted her a moment ago, before reading the last few messages on here. She's asleep somewhere else in the house and she'll get it in the morning.
Ive told her I will support her in separating. Not because I want that (of course I also professed undying love!) but because it's taken guts on her part and she must be really miserable to take that step. I've apologised for selfishness in my responses thus far and when we meet tomorrow (we've planned that already) we'll work together to get her her space whilst protecting the kids. I thanked her because without her doing this she'd have remained unhappy and I'd have remained a drunken ********.
It's not mind games - I've also told her my hope is that eventually she'll fall back in love with me
Thanke for your wisdom people it has helped. I no longer feel like I'm going insane - I am merely utterly miserable
I texted her a moment ago, before reading the last few messages on here. She's asleep somewhere else in the house and she'll get it in the morning.
Ive told her I will support her in separating. Not because I want that (of course I also professed undying love!) but because it's taken guts on her part and she must be really miserable to take that step. I've apologised for selfishness in my responses thus far and when we meet tomorrow (we've planned that already) we'll work together to get her her space whilst protecting the kids. I thanked her because without her doing this she'd have remained unhappy and I'd have remained a drunken ********.
It's not mind games - I've also told her my hope is that eventually she'll fall back in love with me
Thanke for your wisdom people it has helped. I no longer feel like I'm going insane - I am merely utterly miserable
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