pizza67

SparkleKitty

I think if you are going to proceed with the process of therapy, you should focus on what you're doing and not whatever he is doing. If your couples therapist is worth anything, they will see through whatever antics he gets up to.

Take care of yourself, pizza. You can't count on him to help you or take your needs into consideration, so put your energy where it will do the most good.

JamieLee

Is therapy useful in active addiction? I've always thought it was not?

SparkleKitty

Personally I would advise against couples counseling when there is active addiction in the relationship.

pizza67

AnvilheadII

last chance............and then what?

Hawkeye13

Agree with others--if he's drinking, you are just wasting your time and money.

What Anvil says--then what? Polish up your Plan B because it sounds like you will need it.

He's not interested in real recovery if he's using these tactics.

What do you need to get peace back into your life? The answer may be tough to face but better sooner than later.

trailmix

I also agree, you are wasting your time.

This sounds more like some kind of war than any kind of "last chance" at saving a relationship.

Sadly I think you are so conditioned to follow his lead that you may not see exactly what he is playing at.

You issue an ultimatum or a challenge and he rises to the occasion, like a game. How is that helping you? How is that helping him?

He is man with a serious addiction problem. Couples therapy isn't going to cure that, that's for sure.

"We were asked to reflect on our own roles in issues", how can you when under the fog of alcoholism. It is a fact that alcohol changes the brain, he's definitely not thinking clearly (which I'm sure you already know), reverse rolls, if you went in to a therapy session drunk, how effective do you think that would be? Therapy is for reflection and really working on things, that's not happening here.

He's just playing a game, which includes your emotions and your life, how's that going? Alcohol is not just running his life, it's running yours too.

The only solution here is to separate yourself out of the game.

If you choose to stay, you will have to learn to separate yourself emotionally from him, that's not easy to do, but you will need to for your own sanity.

NYCDoglvr

Shrinks won't see people in active addiction .......... it doesn't work. Some therapists will I suppose, but I wouldn't bet on it working.

mylifeismine

What are you expecting to happen with him attending therapy?
Do you think the therapist can make him stop drinking and turn into
a caring, attentive, compassionate partner to you? From your original
post, he is not at all ready to reflect on his behavior much less make any
changes whatsoever. I understand how impossible it is to see this though,
when you are in the middle of the insanity of active addiction.
I would suggest plan B and get out of this very harmful situation.

OliviaLynnMarsh

So much to consider. I hear you. It's usually the alcohol talking, or the want for it I think. It colors everything. I think there may be something to the idea that couples therapy might not work during active addiction, because, let's face it, the addiction causes most of the problems. Not claiming to be perfect here by any means, but the degree to which the addiction causes problems really is leaps and bounds over other small things. I will say that I used some Gottman resources at home for helping my guy open up and learning how to use soft start ups with my concerns, and it did help both of us a lot. It actually helped me realize that the biggest, and almost only issue we have is his drinking (and subsequent lying etc. as a result of drinking). Gottman is a really positive program and so it also gives him less ammunition when he tries to tell you that you're negative every time you mention his drinking. I'm sure you all know where I'm coming from on that one.

honeypig

I would be very, very surprised if this turned out to be the case. I know that's what I thought when I first came here, and I believe it's common for newcomers to think this way. With time and work on myself, I came to understand my part in things, and I was NOT the innocent bystander I'd imagined myself to be. No, I didn't cause his drinking/lying/other behaviors, but nevertheless, I had a sizeable share in the dysfunction of the marriage, not least b/c I continued to stay and participate in it.

Do you think he might say "the biggest, and only issue" you have as a couple is your negativity/controlling behaviors/unreasonable demands/fill in the blank? Is your "realization" any more helpful, ultimately, than this would be?

Pizza, protecting your own peace will do you much more good in the long run than continuing to engage w/your A to "not let him get away w/it" or to show that you're not fooled or whatever other way you may think about it. Again, I felt that way for quite some time myself. I get it, really, but it wasn't until I started to drop the rope that I finally began to feel better and to see more clearly. Letting go is huge.

It's hard not to see "letting go" as "giving up." Maybe the quote below will help--it was an eye-opener for me, and I still need to look at it as a reminder on a regular basis:

Sasha1972

Have you decided on a set number of sessions of couples counselling you will attend before you determine that the last chance is finished? I ask because I could see this dragging on and on with little pieces of concession on his part here and there ... and meanwhile nothing important changes.

(Could also get expensive pretty fast if you're paying out of pocket).

hopeful4

I personally would participate in therapy alone, without him. That's just my two cents.

Ringside

This jumped out at me as well. In addition to what you said about it, the alcoholic will find, if he seriously embraces recovery, that drinking isn't his problem - it is his solution. The problem is with his thinking and character, and fixing those things requires a lot of hard work and time. I know this from experience - stopping drinking was a necessary first step, but it did not, in and of itself, make me a better person or fix the problems underlying my relationship. Best of luck on your journeys.

FallenAngelina

Amazing & insightful post, honeypig, and this part is especially significant. Sometimes the quote "Let go or be dragged" pops up around here and it doesn't mean that we have to give up on our alcoholic loved one. It means that we must let go of efforts to control the relationship or else we will feel dragged along by the downward power of alcoholism and codependence.
Great post, honeypig.

Hawkeye13

Totally agree. Stepping back and respecting an adult person’s life choices, even if you deeply disagree, is not “giving up”.