Horn95

I went through rehab, and did the exact thing I told my loved ones not to do — think I was “cured.” I thought I could “take a break.” Have a little fun on a business trip. And I’d clean up before I came home.

well, the result was near disastrous. I forgot quickly that every sober day is a daily reprieve. That sobriety takes work. I failed to continue that work.

I must always make my sobriety the priority, and work everything else around. I must remember how wonderful it felt to wake up sober, have a cup of coffee and cherish the rising sun. I tossed away the gift that was given to me I resumed quickly my selfish ways.

i am refocusing. I must fight to have a new life. I really hate drinking.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I think it's dangerous to look at yourself as selfish for being an alcoholic. There's a lot more to it than just that - society doesn't understand addiction and it doesn't care to. It's much easier to just look down on people. And as addicts / alcoholics it's extremely easy to internalize that.

I dislike people that purposely hurt others or that hurt animals - I don't dislike people that hurt themselves for what amounts to a likely brain chemistry imbalance or malfunction. If you have guilt or shame from past relapses, it just compounds.

Take it easy on yourself.
One day at a time.

Also, I'm an atheist and I can tell you that my sober time in the past and present was there because I regularly attended meetings and at least worked the first few steps. I have trouble with the later steps as I don't want to bring up old wounds with some people. It's not my place, so some of those will probably just have to be living amends. It's a lot better than just sitting there upset with yourself, my friend.

All of that being said, relapse isn't part of recovery. It's part of killing yourself and succumbing to your disease / disorder / whatever you want to call it.

I once got really drunk and called out someone for laying hands on his wife 20 years ago. Did I witness it? No. Did I hear "rumors" and more importantly did I see evidence that it probably happened? Yes. I feel terrible about this as I feel it was not my place and on top of that I don't have proof, and it opens up wounds for people involved. So I messed up. Was I acting selfishly? Not really. Was I being stupid? Yes. But being in that state tends to really mess with your critical thinking and I was acting emotionally because it's something I care about (in general).

dwtbd

Yep that's what it read like.
Best advice I can think to give is, part of you is always going think you're 'cured', that part is always going to want to convince the rest of you to 'take a break' , and that part will always think drinking is 'fun' and not drinking is ' not fun.
That part is always going to miss drinking and feel like It is being deprived , so let It. That part is effed up and all It wants to do is make the rest of you effed up. Screw that part , starve it out, that part shrinks, it will never go 'all the way" away , but it doesn't matter , the part that hates being a drunk is in charge now and will only get bigger and badassier as long as You starve the other 'part'.

lessgravity

Good to see you back here. Are you drinking today?

Dee74

That's pretty much alcoholism for me.

Any time I think I can drink safely I'm lying to myself and ignoring the evidence of the past.

Anytime I think I can have a different outcome from drinking I'm lying to myself and ignoring the evidence of the past.

Anytime I think I'm justified in drinking I'm lying to myself and ignoring the evidence of the past.

Anytime I think I can 'get away with' secretly having a few drinks, I'm lying to myself and ignoring the evidence of the past.

Drinking destroyed my life and very nearly destroyed me. My drinking caused immense pain to me and to my loved ones.

Anytime I entertain even the idea of a drink, I know I'm still an alcoholic.

D

Horn95

Steely

Good to see you back Horn.

There ain't no cure but we can put it into lifelong remission. Sounds good to me.

Hawkeye13

Great you are back!

lessgravity

Awesome, nice work.

thomas11

I think for most of us, we must stay very vigilant because if we let our guard down for just a moment, we are capable of slipping back into the abyss. Good job sobering up and getting back at it. Congrats.

Steely

Always conscious.

HeadEast

Good for you!!

ThatWasTheOldMe

The abyss - that's what that **** is. An abyss of death.

zerothehero

I quit drinking many times for decades, but I never used the term "relapsed" when I started drinking again because in my mind I had never quit "for good." How could I call it a relapse when my intention all along was to eventually drink again? It wasn't until I stopped and said "NEVER AGAIN" did it stick.

It's like being betrayed by an old friend. If we end the relationship and we're thinking maybe someday I'll forgive him and start the relationship again, we're likely to start the relationship again, and then wonder why it ends up same old same old.

Anna

I'm glad you're doing well, Horn.

Kdon853

Don’t fight surrender, I know you heard that many times . Good luck

Delilah1

Hi Horn,

So glad you’re reflecting on what happened. I just hit 50 months sober today after struggling to quit for years, and I think the thing that has made it stick is my focus on recovery.

I focused on having a recovery plan that made positive and healthy choices physically and mentally. Some of the key pieces for me are:
-Reading and posting here daily.
-Journaling
-Mindfulness, this has been a big one. I work hard to stay in the present moment. I can learn from the past, but not dwell, and plan for the future, but not panic. I admit this is still the hardest one for me, so I work at it daily.
- Exercise, I go for a walk outdoors daily, regardless of weather, of course living in Southern California that’s a little easier.
-Laughter, no matter how dire a situation seems, laughter usually helps to make me feel better.
-Reading: I read daily, and when I first got sober, I read lots of books about recovery, there is a great list on the stickies of the forum.
-Gratitude, this is probably the most important piece of my recovery. It is easy to get caught up in what others have, but I choose to look at life through s lens of gratitude, even in the most challenging times.

You can do this Horn, I know you can.

❤️Delilah

MaximusD

Hi Horn, I think I remember reading about your trip on another thread. What is your quit date?

Zebra1275

The next time you are on a business trip, why don't you attend an AA meeting in that new town as a visitor?

I did that many times and I was always graciously welcomed like family. And it gave me some protection not to drink alone in my hotel room.

DriGuy

I'd put my money on that. We hear this story so often, that I think it's the major reason for relapse. In fact, the only other reason I can think of is intentional self destruction. There may be others, but I don't know what they are.
If the first of those reasons is correct, the solution is rational thought. This requires keeping on the lookout for that voice that tells you that you are solid enough to do take a vacation or even a single drink, and recognizing it as a lie. Sounds easy, but it's a very convincing voice, especially after a long period of success. The voice will convince you to test the waters.

By now the alert alcoholic knows he cannot drink ever. To believe otherwise is irrational because you already know from experience where drinking eventually leads. You should be able to recognize it's true after one failure. Sometimes alcoholics keep testing the waters over and over. This is irrational.

Drinking to self destruct is actually more rational. You know that one drink always leads to disaster, so you drink to achieve that end. OK, there is something irrational about that, and finding out why you want to self destruct is more dangerous and requires some serious therapy, but an alcoholic that wants to self destruct is at least rational enough to connect the cause and effect relationship of drinking correctly and arrive at where he wants to be.

The one who thinks he can get away with it and find happiness is completely irrational. Don't be that guy.