ElizabethGrace

You may remember me posting about my Mum being drunk again on Christmas Day and ruining Christmas like she always does.

Well since then I have kept my distance from her only seeing her twice and for very short periods of time. During these interactions I realised that I had nothing positive left to say to her. Her nastyness only brings out the worst in me and I honestly dispise her and all she stands for.

My Dad does not want to have a relationship with me whilst I dont want to talk to my mother, he uses the excuse that he doesnt want to get inbetween me and mum but surley he can have a relationship with his own daughter? I am confused and hurt by the fact that he would rather choose my alcoholic mother over me, especially as I thought we had turned a corner while my mum was ill and at christmas.

Last week I recieved an email from my mum asking for us to be friends. No apology for her bad behaviour and all the hurt she has caused me. Just saying that she knows we cant be mother and daughter but that she loves me and wants to be friends.

I look at it as I would never have let a friend do and say some of the things she has done to me and asking me to be her friend is like me asking her to give up drinkng, its never going to happen. I feel at this point in my life I need to put my own mental health first and keep my distance. Do you think I am doing the right thing? Any advice welcome.

SparkleKitty

Yes, I think you are doing the right thing by putting your well-being first. I did the same thing with my own mother.

As for your father, try to remember that as a codependent, he is as sick as she is.

Perhaps someday you can allow yourself compassion for your parents while still maintaining your own healthy boundaries. Your mother is not drinking AT you, and your father isn't choosing your mother over you. They are both caught up in the horrible family dysfunction of addiction, and neither realizes that they hold the keys to freedom from their struggle. Maybe one day they will, maybe not. In the meantime, you do not owe them your time or your presence when they have proven they are not to be trusted with either.

ElizabethGrace

Thank you SparkleKitty they are very wise words indeed.

FeelingGreat

Hi Elizabeth, possibly you could reply that as nothing's changed you don't see friendship as a possibility between you. You will always be a daughter, but the relationship is damaging to you while she drinks.

You can be polite but tell the absolute truth. I went through a similar scenario with my mother, who was incapable of engaging on a meaningful level, but moving away meant it wasn't a day to day thing.

dandylion

Elizabeth......I agree with SparkleKitty. You have a right to place your best welfare as the top priority in your life. As an adult with free will....I say that it is even your Responsibility. If you don't take responsibility for your own life---Who is going to....?!
Your parents were given the chance to have their own life...and, you are entitled to that same right...…...

aasharon90

What you've shared is so familiar to my own experience
with my own parents. A beautiful lady who was sick with
her own demons, alcohol and prescription meds, holidays
disrupted, craziness, and my dad who never steered me
wrong and a relationship we could never because my mom
told me to leave him alone because he was hers.

Sick sick sick......

I entered recovery for my own alcoholic addiction
29 yrs ago and chose to severe my communication
with my family because my recovery and health
was too important to me.

I learned how to place my family into the Hands
of my Higher Power and God of my understanding
so that i could let go of the baggage and burden ive
carried upon my shoulders for yrs.

Many folks have chosen to do the same similar
things with their own situation so that they could
concentrate on their own recovery to become
healthier, stronger in all areas of their own life.

Support and understanding sent your way,
remembering that you are not alone.

ElizabethGrace

Thankyou FeelingGreat, dandylion and aasharon90. I'm so gratefull for you taking the time to reply. I think removing oneself from our parents is still one of lifes great taboos and its reassuring to get opinions from people who understand.

trailmix

I also had an alcoholic parent, my Father. Basically there were boundaries. Call me when you are sober (yes I said that). We used to have xmas between the parent's places (as adults with children after my parents were divorced). There was no drinking on Christmas Day or boxing day, basically no drinking when we were visiting.

Now of course he didn't have to go along with any of that, those were our boundaries, not rules to be followed. But he did. If he hadn't, we would of left/not gone over there.

He did call drunk, I didn't listen, I would hang up. A simple, call me when you are sober will suffice.

It seems harsh to the outside world I'm sure, that I don't care about at all.

If you do decide to stay in contact I think it's very important to have those strong boundaries. For your Father, always remember he lives with her, this is his every day. For him to step out of that dance, there would probably be hell to pay - and huge guilt. He has probably been protecting her all their married life. Therefore, it's not personal, I think that is important to remember.

HeadEast

Your dad is going to choose his wife over you any day. You can't take that choice personally. Only you can know if you are doing the right thing. I wish you the best.

aasharon90

Back in the day, (i'm a 1958 baby), lots of what happened
in the household was kept secret and for me being the child
out of 4 who was targets by her abuse, my dad always told
me that my mom loved me and that she didnt mean to hurt
me. Of course I didnt see it that way.

There were times when my dad had to take me out of the
house to my grandfathers house to get the monster off me
and for those times, yes, he did catch hell, verbally hell from
her.

No one out side the home ever saw what kind of person
she really was and I was threatened to say anything to anyone.

My dad stayed married for many yrs until he passed
recently. In my heart, he will always be my hero and I
feel at peace knowing he is in a good place and has won
the war here on Earth.

I always say that NO Child should ever be hurt. Abused.
It's just sooooo wrong.

Stay strong and take care of you.

ElizabethReed

Yes, this is definitely true. In my case, my father and brother are alcoholics, and my mother is the enabler. There is no room in my mother's life for anyone but the two of them. When I made it clear that I would not go along with their game of hiding the addiction and pretending that everything was fine, she was furious. Her whole life is consumed by defending the dysfunction, and anyone who threatens their toxic ecosystem is the enemy. This behavior was really hard on me, emotionally. I was also getting sucked in to their insanity, trying to find ways to help them escape their suffering. But the truth is, they didn't want to escape. It took me quite some time to understand this.

So I cut them out of my life two years ago, which was and is a great sorrow but has also improved my life immeasurably - basically, I'm sane again. I'm able to focus on my job, my husband and son, and myself, which is how it should be.

But I've paid a price for this peace. Other family members are horrified that I've disconnected with my parents and brother. The guilt trips and disapproval from them have been intense. I've unfortunately fallen into the trap of JADE-ing with them, trying to get them to understand - but they refuse to understand. They are ok with pretending that things are fine...and by refusing to play along, I'm disrupting this fantasy, which they do not appreciate.

I've told very few friends and colleagues about my situation, because there is no question that it is a social taboo. The people that I've shared this with are people I trust, who also have troubled relationships with their parents, and they do understand - in particular, they understand that for me, cutting off contact was really and truly the last resort, not just me being capricious and spiteful.

All this to say - I feel your pain, and I'm sorry that you also have this burden. As an adult, I always hoped that I'd be able to have a good relationship with my mom, and this now seems to be a very faint possibility, which really, really hurts. I feel that she has chosen my brother and father and their addictions over me. I'm still working on accepting this reality.

ElizabethGrace

Thank you everyone for all your replies. Some of your comments are hard to read and I am so sorry that so many of you seem to understand my situation. The more I speak about my situation the more I realise how many parents fail their children.

I am really quite lucky that my family and indeed my mums best friend understand my choice to withdraw. The fact that she was days away from death, recovered and is now drinking again is something her siblings really cant comprehend. She also finds it more and more difficult to hide the fact that she doesnt wash, can hardly walk and her nasty streak comes out more often in company. So I think they realise what I have dealt with for years and how lonely I have felt whilst carring this burden alone while Dad was away working. Mum had told them all I was antisocial, when in reality I couldnt bear to be around her at social events.

Thank you again for all your advice and kind words they mean alot to me.

Bekindalways

Ugh Elizabeth, this sounds beyond horrid. Courage to you.

One of the great light-bulb moments of my life came when I saw my foster-sister hang up on her Dad. We were in our mid-twenties and she had a couple of teeny kids/babies. I was simultaneously horrified and awakened to the fact that it was absolutely the right thing to do . . . the latter horrified me even more. It was a different reality than I had ever lived in at that point in my life. Foster sister explained that she could take care of her kids or listen to her drunk dad who wouldn't even remember the conversation.

This was probably some 30 years ago. Foster sister's Dad was hit by a car and killed when he was stumbling around the street drunk. My sister's babies are now amazing, wonderful young women . . . . I can't say enough about them.

It is so so sad and so tough to do the right thing. I really don't blame people who keep trying to save their drunk/addicted loved ones. It is just excruciating to step away and watch them self-destruct. Ugh.

SmallButMighty

ElizabethGrace and ElizabethReed,

Based on the things you've both shared, I thought you might be interested in this post from a couple years ago. Myself and several other members had quite an in-depth discussion about how our codependent parent had affected us as opposed to the alcoholic one.

If you are interested,

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...nt-mother.html (Struggling with My Codependent Mother)

trailmix

Elizabeth, I'm going to share how I think of this. I don't see it as a failure from my Alcoholic Father or my non-drinking Mother (my Mother was great btw).

I think as women, having an alcoholic Mother is different, there is generally, a closeness between Mothers and Daughters that you are missing.

That said, I think of the way my Father behaved, in terms of alcoholism and in terms of his parenting (which was non-existent) as him doing the best he could under his circumstances. I don't actually resent him or blame him even.

The thing is, you don't have to like your parent(s), you just don't. You also don't have to spend time with them if you don't want to. To realize this can be really freeing.

In thinking about what your Mother said in her email, perhaps it is just a starting point for her. Perhaps there is a chance that you can have some kind of relationship with your parents (with those strong boundaries in place). Initially I would certainly skip all "family celebrations - thanksgiving, xmas etc - those are recipes for disaster and you certainly don't have to participate.

If you are clear that you can only see her when she is sober, then that is your boundary and she either comes to the party there or doesn't. That's out of your control.

Perhaps only see them in public, meet for lunch or dinner, just you and your parents or your Mom, not the whole family and see how that goes. Small steps. If you decide to cut all contact, well that is certainly an option, if you feel that is something you could do.

I stopped talking to my Father for a year once, I had just had enough (in fact as a child I stopped talking to him once as well now that I think about it lol - funny in hindsight, he actually laughed at me - not funny).

Anyway, apparently this hurt him a lot, as his Sister expressed to me after he had died. I said to her, have you ever had a falling out with any of your children? "Yes". Is that any of my business? Did you want me to comment on that? She kind of understood that I think, but she was one to hold a grudge.

My point is, no one else knows what you go through with your Mom and the distress and worry it causes you. If you decide to stop contact, there shouldn't really be guilt involved, you have to look out for yourself.

ElizabethReed

Thank you SBM, this was a really enlightening read (I bookmarked it!), although it was kind of unnerving, how similar my own mother's behaviors and traits are to yours and the other members who commented. It helps to know that I'm not alone...