Alcoholic father still absent with unborn child
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Alcoholic father still absent with unborn child
Hi all, I have posted a couple of times before regarding me being pregnant by my alcoholic ex boyfriend. Quick recap I became pregnant when we were already broken up...when I told him I was pregnant he didn’t want anything to do with it. Said awful things to me...a couple of months later he was begging me for another chance and wanted to work things our. So I caved due to my vulnerable state and just getting my hopes up. So that reconciliation only lasted a couple of months ...he’s the same selfish inconsistent alcoholic i broke up with a couple of years ago . But he made a lot of empty promises and had me halfway believing we would be a family. Not surprisingly we had a falling out due to his ****** behavior, it’s been almost two months and I haven’t heard a peep from him. I am 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am disgusted that he and his family do not care about this child. His family saw me pregnant , they knew. I am in therapy to try and cope but some days I have a harder time dealing than others. I had my baby shower today and felt so loved. I feel blessed but also saddened that the father is how he is. I’ve been meaning to attend an al anon meeting but I’m still working full time and haven’t had the time or energy to do so. Any other tips to help me cope with this disappointment/grief? Thanks for reading
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi MissT, well that is too bad, yes, without him getting in to some kind of recovery program, it can't really turn out well.
Most important thing is to focus back on yourself and your baby of course. Take good care of yourself, be nice to yourself! Do things you enjoy.
That feeling you had with friends and family around at the baby-shower, well there are people who love and care about you, spend time with them, that will make you feel so much better.
It will take time, there is no way around that, you will feel better as you go along. Keep a list of all the miserable things he has said and done and every time you think of how great he was, pull the list out and read it (even if that's 20 times a day to start). It's really not that painful, in fact it makes you feel better because it reminds you that you are moving forward, not backward. It reminds you of that "might have been" never really was and that your life is going to get better.
Most important thing is to focus back on yourself and your baby of course. Take good care of yourself, be nice to yourself! Do things you enjoy.
That feeling you had with friends and family around at the baby-shower, well there are people who love and care about you, spend time with them, that will make you feel so much better.
It will take time, there is no way around that, you will feel better as you go along. Keep a list of all the miserable things he has said and done and every time you think of how great he was, pull the list out and read it (even if that's 20 times a day to start). It's really not that painful, in fact it makes you feel better because it reminds you that you are moving forward, not backward. It reminds you of that "might have been" never really was and that your life is going to get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Continue to surround yourself with healthy
support for you and your new born that will
be here soon.
There are programs for families and friends
who have been affected by the person with
addiction that can help you or them become
strong and knowledgeable in their own lives
to move forward.
You and your baby deserve happiness and a
healthy environment to grow and prosper with
all of lifes wonderful blessings and gifts to help
you achieve them.
support for you and your new born that will
be here soon.
There are programs for families and friends
who have been affected by the person with
addiction that can help you or them become
strong and knowledgeable in their own lives
to move forward.
You and your baby deserve happiness and a
healthy environment to grow and prosper with
all of lifes wonderful blessings and gifts to help
you achieve them.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Congratulations on this sweet baby you are expecting. I'm afraid I was never able to have a child, so I don't have any wise words to share. I am glad that you are surrounded by supportive and loving friends. Lean into this support network now, and gather as many resources as you can for you and this precious one to come!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I only ever found comfort in accepting people as they are, rather than letting myself pine for who I wished they were. It sounds like you have a lot of love in your life, and more on the way. You will be okay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I am a single mom to two; one with my XAH and one by myself by choice who’s still a baby.
Having now done both, It is SO much easier and so much nicer to raise a baby as a solo parent than it is trying to raise a child with an active drinker. You are doing great and setting your kid up to be normal and happy by not creating a home life with an alcoholic.
Two bits of advice-
Please ask for and accept support from those people who make you feel loved. New babies are hard. Just having another adult to talk to helps, and if anyone will come rock her while you shower, or fold your laundry, please let them. People often want to help and it will keep you from feeling isolated.
This is a bit more mercenary- I would NOT push him to coparent with you right now. The kid won’t know the difference for a while anyway and you want to set a very clear track record of only you being the custodial parent. If later he wants part custody, you want to be in a position to say yes or no as the current custodial parent. You don’t want to set up a situation where he is still drinking but you can’t stop him from getting shared custody because you were living together or otherwise sharing custody. Courts don’t care how much actual childcare work you do so if he lives with you and the baby he will have a better chance of custody even if you do everything. Let him be a flake and if he has his crap together later, you will be in the drivers seat. It sucks but it will protect you and kiddo.
You will do great!
Having now done both, It is SO much easier and so much nicer to raise a baby as a solo parent than it is trying to raise a child with an active drinker. You are doing great and setting your kid up to be normal and happy by not creating a home life with an alcoholic.
Two bits of advice-
Please ask for and accept support from those people who make you feel loved. New babies are hard. Just having another adult to talk to helps, and if anyone will come rock her while you shower, or fold your laundry, please let them. People often want to help and it will keep you from feeling isolated.
This is a bit more mercenary- I would NOT push him to coparent with you right now. The kid won’t know the difference for a while anyway and you want to set a very clear track record of only you being the custodial parent. If later he wants part custody, you want to be in a position to say yes or no as the current custodial parent. You don’t want to set up a situation where he is still drinking but you can’t stop him from getting shared custody because you were living together or otherwise sharing custody. Courts don’t care how much actual childcare work you do so if he lives with you and the baby he will have a better chance of custody even if you do everything. Let him be a flake and if he has his crap together later, you will be in the drivers seat. It sucks but it will protect you and kiddo.
You will do great!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
I don't have any kids, personally, but I have been told many times and witnessed/lived it myself that there is no greater love than that between a parent and child, and vice versa. Knowing that, I think you have so much to look forward to and given the circumstances, your bond with your child will likely be even greater than the bond of a more traditional family unit. It won't be easy for sure, but you truly do have something incredible to look forward to, something that many people never get to experience--
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Trailmix
Thank you very much, once again your words are very reassuring to me. I will definitely make the list about things he’s done that are really bad... I loved what you said “it reminds you of that “might have been’ never really was and that your life is going to get better”. I appreciate the encouragement and will continue to surround myself with those that care. Thank you again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 49
Digging for fire
thank you!! I take a lot of comfort in what you said. I definitely agree that not having involvement with an active drinker while raising a child is a great choice. I am not planning on speaking to him let alone living with him or attempting to co parent. He hasn’t tried to contact me in almost two months...I’m planning on leaving him out of everything as unfortunate as that is. I’m definitely going to accept any help offered. Glad that all worked out for you . Xo
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