Confused and terrified by my son's behavior
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Confused and terrified by my son's behavior
Hi,
I joined Al anon years ago because of my husbands drinking but now my son has something awful happening to him.
He went off to college/uni about 4 years ago and that was fine he came home but couldn't get a job and spent a lot of time in his room playing computer games and smoking dope.
2 years ago he went back to do a Phd which was sponsored by a company so he got well paid. Last year I started getting very strange phone calls from him where he would just talk really fast and swear at me. This was so unlike him it was a complete personality change. I had always gone easy on the dope smoking because his father is an active alcoholic and I had such a horrible experience with his behavior I though the dope would be harmless. My son then asked if he could come home last summer for a week , which he did. By the second day he was really paranoid and I called the doctor who came out to see him and prescribed him anti-psychotics. He refused to take the pills and attacked me when I tried to make him take them. I called the police and he was arrested and I have not seen him since.He was bailed and I did not press charges as I did not want him having a criminal record. I have spoken to him and the things he says happened to him I now know never happened. He said he was abused as a child and I went along with this till he said he had 'remembered' that I abused him to.
Afterwards he phones and says he is sorry he said such terrible things. I feel like if my son had disappeared and I do not recognize the person he has become.
Last month I found out he had not been at his course for months and nobody had seen him. I reported him missing, The police managed to get into his apartment and said he has something called a 'grinder' for his dope and was obviously very paranoid as he has set up cameras to watch the door.
They eventually found he had gone abroad. He then returned and when they saw him he told them he did not need any help and closed the door in their face.
He has now dropped out of his course and says he no longer has an income and wants to come home.
At every point he has phoned sounding so distressed I have been calling police ambulance doctors you name it but he just says he does not need any help from anyone. Everybody is trying to drive him crazy he says, and he refuses to see anybody to help him . I have been in Al anon for nearly 10 years because of his dad but this is much much worse.
I worry if I don't let him come home he is going to end up homeless and starve/freeze to death. Yet I know I would only be enabling him if I let him come home plus I would not feel safe. It is agonizing.
I joined Al anon years ago because of my husbands drinking but now my son has something awful happening to him.
He went off to college/uni about 4 years ago and that was fine he came home but couldn't get a job and spent a lot of time in his room playing computer games and smoking dope.
2 years ago he went back to do a Phd which was sponsored by a company so he got well paid. Last year I started getting very strange phone calls from him where he would just talk really fast and swear at me. This was so unlike him it was a complete personality change. I had always gone easy on the dope smoking because his father is an active alcoholic and I had such a horrible experience with his behavior I though the dope would be harmless. My son then asked if he could come home last summer for a week , which he did. By the second day he was really paranoid and I called the doctor who came out to see him and prescribed him anti-psychotics. He refused to take the pills and attacked me when I tried to make him take them. I called the police and he was arrested and I have not seen him since.He was bailed and I did not press charges as I did not want him having a criminal record. I have spoken to him and the things he says happened to him I now know never happened. He said he was abused as a child and I went along with this till he said he had 'remembered' that I abused him to.
Afterwards he phones and says he is sorry he said such terrible things. I feel like if my son had disappeared and I do not recognize the person he has become.
Last month I found out he had not been at his course for months and nobody had seen him. I reported him missing, The police managed to get into his apartment and said he has something called a 'grinder' for his dope and was obviously very paranoid as he has set up cameras to watch the door.
They eventually found he had gone abroad. He then returned and when they saw him he told them he did not need any help and closed the door in their face.
He has now dropped out of his course and says he no longer has an income and wants to come home.
At every point he has phoned sounding so distressed I have been calling police ambulance doctors you name it but he just says he does not need any help from anyone. Everybody is trying to drive him crazy he says, and he refuses to see anybody to help him . I have been in Al anon for nearly 10 years because of his dad but this is much much worse.
I worry if I don't let him come home he is going to end up homeless and starve/freeze to death. Yet I know I would only be enabling him if I let him come home plus I would not feel safe. It is agonizing.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The son you remember is not there any more. Unless he wants to get well, it will not happen.
A person that is a dependent after school is over should not be treated with full adult respect.
This should be understood and agreed upon.
Others, they would be on their own.
Thanks.
A person that is a dependent after school is over should not be treated with full adult respect.
This should be understood and agreed upon.
Others, they would be on their own.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
So sorry that you have to deal with this. It sounds to me like crack cocaine. I have been there and it's not a good thing. That stuff changes you and sometimes you really can't see it from the inside. Be very careful whatever you decide to do because addicts have done some really bad things to feed their addiction! They are not the same people as they used to be. Maybe you can see about some kind of intervention? Best wishes.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My adult son is an addict as well, so I truly understand your pain.
Your son seems to exhibit extreme mental health issues, no doubt caused by the drugs, but it may be time to have someone intervene and keep him safe for his own protection.
I don't know the laws where you are, but perhaps check the legal options and if you can do nothing else, just keep praying.
In the end he will decide his future, however bleak his choice may be. It is hard to let go but in the end, that's the only thing we can do, for our own sake as well as theirs.
I will keep your son in my prayers.
Your son seems to exhibit extreme mental health issues, no doubt caused by the drugs, but it may be time to have someone intervene and keep him safe for his own protection.
I don't know the laws where you are, but perhaps check the legal options and if you can do nothing else, just keep praying.
In the end he will decide his future, however bleak his choice may be. It is hard to let go but in the end, that's the only thing we can do, for our own sake as well as theirs.
I will keep your son in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by cr995 
Hi,
I joined Al anon years ago because of my husbands drinking but now my son has something awful happening to him.
He went off to college/uni about 4 years ago and that was fine he came home but couldn't get a job and spent a lot of time in his room playing computer games and smoking dope.
2 years ago he went back to do a Phd which was sponsored by a company so he got well paid. Last year I started getting very strange phone calls from him where he would just talk really fast and swear at me. This was so unlike him it was a complete personality change. I had always gone easy on the dope smoking because his father is an active alcoholic and I had such a horrible experience with his behavior I though the dope would be harmless. My son then asked if he could come home last summer for a week , which he did. By the second day he was really paranoid and I called the doctor who came out to see him and prescribed him anti-psychotics. He refused to take the pills and attacked me when I tried to make him take them. I called the police and he was arrested and I have not seen him since.He was bailed and I did not press charges as I did not want him having a criminal record. I have spoken to him and the things he says happened to him I now know never happened. He said he was abused as a child and I went along with this till he said he had 'remembered' that I abused him to.
Afterwards he phones and says he is sorry he said such terrible things. I feel like if my son had disappeared and I do not recognize the person he has become.
Last month I found out he had not been at his course for months and nobody had seen him. I reported him missing, The police managed to get into his apartment and said he has something called a 'grinder' for his dope and was obviously very paranoid as he has set up cameras to watch the door.
They eventually found he had gone abroad. He then returned and when they saw him he told them he did not need any help and closed the door in their face.
He has now dropped out of his course and says he no longer has an income and wants to come home.
At every point he has phoned sounding so distressed I have been calling police ambulance doctors you name it but he just says he does not need any help from anyone. Everybody is trying to drive him crazy he says, and he refuses to see anybody to help him . I have been in Al anon for nearly 10 years because of his dad but this is much much worse.
I worry if I don't let him come home he is going to end up homeless and starve/freeze to death. Yet I know I would only be enabling him if I let him come home plus I would not feel safe. It is agonizing.
I joined Al anon years ago because of my husbands drinking but now my son has something awful happening to him.
He went off to college/uni about 4 years ago and that was fine he came home but couldn't get a job and spent a lot of time in his room playing computer games and smoking dope.
2 years ago he went back to do a Phd which was sponsored by a company so he got well paid. Last year I started getting very strange phone calls from him where he would just talk really fast and swear at me. This was so unlike him it was a complete personality change. I had always gone easy on the dope smoking because his father is an active alcoholic and I had such a horrible experience with his behavior I though the dope would be harmless. My son then asked if he could come home last summer for a week , which he did. By the second day he was really paranoid and I called the doctor who came out to see him and prescribed him anti-psychotics. He refused to take the pills and attacked me when I tried to make him take them. I called the police and he was arrested and I have not seen him since.He was bailed and I did not press charges as I did not want him having a criminal record. I have spoken to him and the things he says happened to him I now know never happened. He said he was abused as a child and I went along with this till he said he had 'remembered' that I abused him to.
Afterwards he phones and says he is sorry he said such terrible things. I feel like if my son had disappeared and I do not recognize the person he has become.
Last month I found out he had not been at his course for months and nobody had seen him. I reported him missing, The police managed to get into his apartment and said he has something called a 'grinder' for his dope and was obviously very paranoid as he has set up cameras to watch the door.
They eventually found he had gone abroad. He then returned and when they saw him he told them he did not need any help and closed the door in their face.
He has now dropped out of his course and says he no longer has an income and wants to come home.
At every point he has phoned sounding so distressed I have been calling police ambulance doctors you name it but he just says he does not need any help from anyone. Everybody is trying to drive him crazy he says, and he refuses to see anybody to help him . I have been in Al anon for nearly 10 years because of his dad but this is much much worse.
I worry if I don't let him come home he is going to end up homeless and starve/freeze to death. Yet I know I would only be enabling him if I let him come home plus I would not feel safe. It is agonizing.
That was five years ago. A year later, he went to detox and rehab. But what really helped him is, "He grew up." After living on the street he realized there is more happiness with a loving family and friends than scoring drugs. He is clean and sober and working. He values his family, friends, photography and surfing. He values life. He chose a better life.
When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.
Choose a better life for you and your son. Have an honest and vulnerable talk with him. Don't enable him but let him know you love him. If you can afford it, find him a good therapist that understands the psychology of addiction. Then pray.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
It is extremely agonizing. I'm not sure I would let him come home unless he were clean. If you do, it will cause problems for you. As a parent of a son that has to be about your sons age, I understand how awful this situation must be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
cr995 - it could be the drugs alone, but it could also be a mental illness exacerbated by drugs. It sounds like he needs a professional diagnosis, which I'm sure he will be very resistant to.
I suggest you seek advice, perhaps starting with your doctor and going on to more specialist help. You may be able to get him committed if he becomes completely irrational. I have a friend whose daughter went through a similar period. There was a mental illness, but not enough to have her committed until she completely lost touch with reality. This process took over a year to play out, but once she was committed at least she could be assessed.
As for having him at home; if it is a genuine mental illness it may be better if you can at least see what's going on. Can you make it a condition that he sees a psychiatrist if he comes home? Of course no drugs.
I suggest you seek advice, perhaps starting with your doctor and going on to more specialist help. You may be able to get him committed if he becomes completely irrational. I have a friend whose daughter went through a similar period. There was a mental illness, but not enough to have her committed until she completely lost touch with reality. This process took over a year to play out, but once she was committed at least she could be assessed.
As for having him at home; if it is a genuine mental illness it may be better if you can at least see what's going on. Can you make it a condition that he sees a psychiatrist if he comes home? Of course no drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Hi Thanks everyone. When my son came home last it was on condition that if he seemed ill he had to agree to medical help- that is how I got attacked, because I was insisting on him taking the pills he had been given. I have made appointments for him to see his doctor, appointments have also been made for him to have a mental health assessment - he has point blank refused to attend any of them. He has now been told by his father that he can come and live with him provided that he sees a psychiatrist. He refuses to agree to this. I cannot understand why someone clearly in mental anguish is so adamant about not getting any help. He says he would rather be homeless than agree to 'so called help.' Anyone who has been called out to see him on an emergency basis (mostly cops/ wellbeing team) has said it is up to him if he accepts medical help and if he doesn't want it - that's his choice!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by cr995
Hi Thanks everyone. When my son came home last it was on condition that if he seemed ill he had to agree to medical help- that is how I got attacked, because I was insisting on him taking the pills he had been given. I have made appointments for him to see his doctor, appointments have also been made for him to have a mental health assessment - he has point blank refused to attend any of them. He has now been told by his father that he can come and live with him provided that he sees a psychiatrist. He refuses to agree to this. I cannot understand why someone clearly in mental anguish is so adamant about not getting any help. He says he would rather be homeless than agree to 'so called help.' Anyone who has been called out to see him on an emergency basis (mostly cops/ wellbeing team) has said it is up to him if he accepts medical help and if he doesn't want it - that's his choice!
On the other hand, he may be like my son who chose to be homeless and live on the street, until he did not.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
CR995 - this may have to play out for him in its painful way until he reaches a stage where he can be committed. It happened for my friend's daughter but got pretty extreme before she completely lost touch with reality.
If you can at least maintain some kind of contact with your son you may be aware when that point is reached. It does sound like more than drugs alone.
If you can at least maintain some kind of contact with your son you may be aware when that point is reached. It does sound like more than drugs alone.
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