Codependent73

My story/situation is embarrassing and I'm deeply ashamed. I have never spoken a word of this ridiculous nonsense except to my ex's mother whom I am extremely close with. A little background, I'm 46 yrs old, my parents divorced when I was young, my dad wasn't around a lot, I always had a weight problem and low self-esteem. I had a baby about 15 yrs ago with a guy I was with, we lived together but broke up 11 years ago due to his drinking and long hours at work. I had weight-loss surgery and lost a lot of weight. I look pretty good, no loose skin, etc. After that I dated around, one night stands, another boyfriend and then I met Bobby. I was on Plenty of Fish and came across his photo. He was extremely handsome, nine years younger than me but lived close so I messaged him. We talked back and forth for a week by text, I would hear from him and then I wouldn't hear from him, I was thinking OK well he is probably talking to other girls. So finally I said to him are we going to meet and he said sure but he was low on cash due to paying child support. I didn't mind, he was cute, I was lonely and desperately looking for someone to fill the void in my life. We met, had a few drinks, talked and it was good. We kissed once and I went home. As soon as I got home, I received a few texts from him saying he was into me and wanted to see me again. Ever since August 2017 we were together up until a couple of weeks ago. Two weeks ago I found out he went to the movies with his friends and I sent him several nasty texts saying I am not a priority in his life, he is a coward and should just break up with me, he treats me like ****, he is not sexually attracted to me and he should go back to the loser chick he cheated on me with more than once. He responded back by text that he needs to time be alone and he doesn't want to string me along because he knows I am not happy. He told me he would call me later, but never did. It's been 2 weeks since I have heard from him, I have called him about 5 times and texted him about 10 times telling him I am sorry and I love him. No response. I'm psycho right? Not so fast. Bobby is a crystal meth and heroin addict, currently clean for a year and on methadone. Within two weeks of meeting him he admitted he was an addict and was currently taking time off of work/school (plumbing apprenticeship) to get into rehab (again). Any other normal woman with zero drug/alcohol use would of ran away and changed her name and number. Nope, not me. Went into the relationship full force and everything that came with it. Doing drugs in front of me, giving him money for drugs, lying for him and making excuses for him. All that on top of him lying and cheating on me. He was on numerous dating sites, talking to tons of other women online and also ones he knew in real life. I don't know know how many times Bobby cheated on me or with how many women. I stopped looking at his iPad because every time I did there would be messages from other women and porn on it. I battled with a girl for about a year on and off from his past that he was seeing and texting behind my back the whole first year we were together. She claimed to be pregnant by Bobby but ended up she had said that many other times to keep him. Bobby and I have only had sex about 4-5 times in the past 2 1/2 years and those few times is when he was high on crystal meth. Bobby blames drugs for his unfaithfulness and also blames lack of affection and sex on methadone. Why did I stay? I stayed because he told me he loved me everyday, wanted me to be at his house everyday, he was super good with my teenage son and I just wanted to be around him. I have spent thousands of dollars on Bobby, I have given him everything possible. I have been his rock, never wavering. I grew extremely close to his parents (he lives downstairs from them in an in-law unit), his two children, his extended family, went on numerous family vacations, weddings, you name it. Even his mother has told me numerous times to run, I deserve way more than Bobby can ever give. I have hardly slept or eaten for the past two weeks, I am unable to concentrate at work and super snappy at my son. My heart is broken, constant pit in my stomach and crying all the time. I have been looking at my phone non-stop. What is wrong with me? I feel so rejected, how could he do this to me out of all people? I have done so much and dealt with so much for him. How could he just ignore me and go about his days knowing how heart broken I am?

Thank you for reading.

helpfultoothers

Oh my gosh, you deserve so much better. This guy hasn't treated you well at all.

Have you been to Al-Anon or Nar-anon meetings? They may help.

AnvilheadII

it doesn't sound as if you were "dumped" at all.

Two weeks ago I found out he went to the movies with his friends and I sent him several nasty texts saying I am not a priority in his life, he is a coward and should just break up with me, he treats me like ****, he is not sexually attracted to me and he should go back to the loser chick he cheated on me with more than once. He responded back by text that he needs to time be alone and he doesn't want to string me along because he knows I am not happy.

it sounds like you were the one suggesting/pushing for a break up.
he told you he needs time along, etc etc, and now he's gone radio silent.
which is what people DO when they break up.

it certainly doesn't sound like it was a great relationship. i lost track of how many times the word "cheating" came up. and using. and lying. we do ourselves no favors when we continually overlook bad behavior. we are telling the other person that it is ok to continue to treat us poorly and with such disrespect. so when they do it again, we have only ourselves to blame.

somewhere along the way, HE became your DRUG. that daily I Love You was like a big ole hit. you spent thousands of dollars on this person, trying to make sure your "supply" stuck around. believing if you would only do more, spend more, than he would stay. you claimed to be his rock, never wavering - but all it took was for you to find out he went to the movies with some friends for you to go on a text assault and spew all kinds of nasty stuff. so your rock steady devotion was actually on pretty shaky ground and very dependent on him behaving in a certain way.

as we so often discover over time.....they were never the problem. our problems lie within us. which is good news, but US we can do something about.

HeadEast

Yikes.

Ann

Wise words above. Can you make it to a meeting to help figure out why you allow yourself to desperately hang on to someone who treats you so poorly?

CoDA helped me hugely, Nar-anon is another great fellowship that may help.

You can't change him but you can help yourself find a healthier and happier way to live.

Please give it a try.

Codependent73

Thank you for the comments and suggestions, I'm doing my best to move forward. I mostly blame myself, I knew better. I was willing to be treated poorly so I didn't have been alone and didn't want him to find someone else.

trailmix

Codependent, there is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. If you haven't read it suggest you do, lots of info in there about relationships and boundaries.

At least you are honest that you felt that some attention (even poor attention) was better than none. That's half the battle right there!

Now is the time, while you are unattached to delve in to why you would accept such poor treatment and to build up your self esteem. That might mean attending Al Anon, getting a good therapist, group support meetings, getting help to heal from wherever you can seek support.

It's not unusual for codependency to creep up in relationships, especially when there is someone with addiction problems. It's an interaction that isn't good for you though.

As Anvil mentioned, you broke up with him and maybe you just knew it was the right thing to do? You do deserve so much better.

Time for some self care and reflection. Be nice to yourself! Most of all protect yourself from people that are not respectful and kind to you.