Do you give a second chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 7
Do you give a second chance?
am currently struggling over whether to give an alcoholic bf a second chance. We have been together a year and a half. During that time, he has been drunk for most of it with a few really bad episodes. Once he was so drunk he fell down a flight of stairs and cracked guys skull open. I had to beg the EMTs to take him to the hospital. The entire time there he said to me we are done. Another time he fell over a chair in our kitchen. Was so delusionally drink he accused me of pushing him down a flight of stairs. Then said he was going to cut off my legs then threatened to leave the house. Never laid a hand on me. Promised next day it would never happen again. Last weekend he got delusionally drunk started telling me he was there craziest lunatic I would ever meet, tore up my magazines and banged on the counters like a lunatic. The next day I was so hurt and he said it would never happen again. A few days later I said just saying I am sorry and it will never happen again is not good enough. What it your plan to ensure it never happens again? He said he didn't know. The next few days he only had a glass or two a day. I was so irate by this I asked him again what is your plan? He said he didn't know. I said are you willing to risk losing me and our relationship over alcohol. He said he didn't like ultimatums. I then told him to leave. I was dead serious. Only then did I have good attention. He asked for a second chance. I said I have already given you multiple. He said but u never said u would leave me if I didn't clean it up. So I agreed to try. He agreed to cut back. So three days later he is having maybe most a beer a day. Am I crazy for giving him a second chance?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
As you wisely point out, this would by no measure be a "second" chance.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Without a dedicated program of recovery those three beers will escalate until he is right back where he was before.
He has threatened you with physical violence. Drunk or not, such behavior has no place in a healthy relationship. Instead of taking the opportunity to do better, he complains about not liking ultimatums. Well, he won't like healthy boundaries, either, when you attempt to protect yourself from the consequences of his choices.
He has shown you exactly who he is. Believe him.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Without a dedicated program of recovery those three beers will escalate until he is right back where he was before.
He has threatened you with physical violence. Drunk or not, such behavior has no place in a healthy relationship. Instead of taking the opportunity to do better, he complains about not liking ultimatums. Well, he won't like healthy boundaries, either, when you attempt to protect yourself from the consequences of his choices.
He has shown you exactly who he is. Believe him.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
As easy as it is for others to say that yes, you are crazy for giving him second (over and over) chances, we have all been there. The only reason we can agree with that statement is because we have admitted that same crazy to OURSELVES!
I continue to give chances....mostly because I have developed boundaries for my own mental health that allow me to be rather unaffected by my husband's choices. For now, the "second chances" work for us. If there is fear of physical abuse though, I would not suggest hanging around to wait for the time when he DOES hit you. This would be the exception for me too. Your physical safety is critical!
I continue to give chances....mostly because I have developed boundaries for my own mental health that allow me to be rather unaffected by my husband's choices. For now, the "second chances" work for us. If there is fear of physical abuse though, I would not suggest hanging around to wait for the time when he DOES hit you. This would be the exception for me too. Your physical safety is critical!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi again Lion.
Physical violence or threats of it shouldn't be ignored.
If you think about it, in what world is it ok to threaten to cut off someone's legs?
Sometimes when we are in a situation that is anything but "normal", we can become somewhat accustomed to the dysfunction of it all, so much so that things that would appall you normally, kind of become the norm.
That's why so it's important to keep your wits about you. Never be lulled in to thinking this is normal or ok, it's not.
When he says he is going to "cut back" or "only drink a lot on the weekends" or "only for this or that party" or "of course it's St. Patrick's Day everyone drinks". What does that really mean? Alcoholics cannot moderate, it is an addiction and all that means.
Words and stating intent are important, however without any action to back them up, they are just empty promises, meaningless.
I suspect he is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear to maintain the status quo. Not because he doesn't care about you but because he is an alcoholic and wants to keep drinking while keeping you there.
Now, the only decision you have to make is - is this the lifestyle you want? Do you want to continue dating an alcoholic? There can be no real progression in this relationship, would you marry him? Would you have children with him (if this is something you would like to do)? Alcoholics, in general, do not great parents make.
Give him another chance if you want to but you are the one that needs to make your own boundary here. When he goes off the deep end on a binge again (and he will), then what ? You get to decide. The power to do what you want is for you, not him.
Yes, I know, leaving is painful, I'm pretty sure he has some great attributes otherwise why are you there? But this isn't about him, this is about you and what kind of life you would like to have.
Physical violence or threats of it shouldn't be ignored.
If you think about it, in what world is it ok to threaten to cut off someone's legs?
Sometimes when we are in a situation that is anything but "normal", we can become somewhat accustomed to the dysfunction of it all, so much so that things that would appall you normally, kind of become the norm.
That's why so it's important to keep your wits about you. Never be lulled in to thinking this is normal or ok, it's not.
When he says he is going to "cut back" or "only drink a lot on the weekends" or "only for this or that party" or "of course it's St. Patrick's Day everyone drinks". What does that really mean? Alcoholics cannot moderate, it is an addiction and all that means.
Words and stating intent are important, however without any action to back them up, they are just empty promises, meaningless.
I suspect he is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear to maintain the status quo. Not because he doesn't care about you but because he is an alcoholic and wants to keep drinking while keeping you there.
Now, the only decision you have to make is - is this the lifestyle you want? Do you want to continue dating an alcoholic? There can be no real progression in this relationship, would you marry him? Would you have children with him (if this is something you would like to do)? Alcoholics, in general, do not great parents make.
Give him another chance if you want to but you are the one that needs to make your own boundary here. When he goes off the deep end on a binge again (and he will), then what ? You get to decide. The power to do what you want is for you, not him.
Yes, I know, leaving is painful, I'm pretty sure he has some great attributes otherwise why are you there? But this isn't about him, this is about you and what kind of life you would like to have.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
^^^this. now would be a good time to ask yourself what propelled you into a relationship with someone who was basically DRUNK the entire time. what pulled you in? what did you think you saw in said drunk person, and what did you see happening next?
i'm also curious why you did not end it immediately when he threatened you with bodily harm?? i don't care if he was drunk out of his head or dialing in from Mars, threats of harm are NEVER ok. the only way we can stop/prevent abuse, is to recognize abusive behaviors and remove that person from our lives, immediately. no one should get another chance to take it to another level.
i'm also curious why you did not end it immediately when he threatened you with bodily harm?? i don't care if he was drunk out of his head or dialing in from Mars, threats of harm are NEVER ok. the only way we can stop/prevent abuse, is to recognize abusive behaviors and remove that person from our lives, immediately. no one should get another chance to take it to another level.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Hi Lion, I know how desperately we like to hold out hope of change but the red flags here seem pretty serious. I love the saying that when someone shows you who they are believe them. I think he has shown you who he is and it really does not sound like someone to build a life with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 7
I want to thank everyone who took the time to reply. Tonight I kicked him out of the house. I came hone prepared. I had a male friend w me. I told him it was over and to leave. He was shocked. He took two hours to put his stuff together and I to use my car to drive it. To his. Moms house. I told him to take an Uber. He still all most of his belongings here and furniture. I told him to let me know when the movers would be coming. I changed the locks immediately. I think the fact my mail friend was here let him know I was serious. I am very very sad. I won’t lie. But proud and excited for the next chapter. Thank you everyone who posted. Your help was immense.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Originally Posted by Lion4 
I want to thank everyone who took the time to reply. Tonight I kicked him out of the house. I came hone prepared. I had a male friend w me. I told him it was over and to leave. He was shocked. He took two hours to put his stuff together and I to use my car to drive it. To his. Moms house. I told him to take an Uber. He still all most of his belongings here and furniture. I told him to let me know when the movers would be coming. I changed the locks immediately. I think the fact my mail friend was here let him know I was serious. I am very very sad. I won’t lie. But proud and excited for the next chapter. Thank you everyone who posted. Your help was immense.
Please take care of yourself. You may well have some grieving to do.
Let us know how you get on in the coming days and weeks.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Watch out for him trying the pity tactic.
Best to go total no contact, make sure someone is with you for moving day, and most especially do not let him in the house for any reason if you are alone.
Even if he makes an embarrassing scene on the porch or whatever. That can be quite dangerous. Instead, call the cops if he won’t leave.
He’s threatened you repeatedly, and don’t assume he won’t act out now that he thinks he has “nothing to lose”.
Excellent decisive action getting him out so quick!
You are a lion
Best to go total no contact, make sure someone is with you for moving day, and most especially do not let him in the house for any reason if you are alone.
Even if he makes an embarrassing scene on the porch or whatever. That can be quite dangerous. Instead, call the cops if he won’t leave.
He’s threatened you repeatedly, and don’t assume he won’t act out now that he thinks he has “nothing to lose”.
Excellent decisive action getting him out so quick!
You are a lion
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
You did a very wise and courageous thing Lion. I know it was it was difficult and painful, but it was right. I am sure you can feel the righteness in your bones.
Please don't allow him to store his belongings at your home for much longer. You will be held hostage by his belongings. He will use his stuff being there as a way to gain access to your home and to you. His things being around your house is also a constant reminder of him that you don't need.
I would suggest if he isn't quick about it, you go ahead and remove his things from your home. Don't allow him to use his property being there as leverage over you and your peace of mind.
Please don't allow him to store his belongings at your home for much longer. You will be held hostage by his belongings. He will use his stuff being there as a way to gain access to your home and to you. His things being around your house is also a constant reminder of him that you don't need.
I would suggest if he isn't quick about it, you go ahead and remove his things from your home. Don't allow him to use his property being there as leverage over you and your peace of mind.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lion,
am currently struggling over whether to give an alcoholic bf a second chance.
During that time, he has been drunk for most of it with a few really bad episodes.
Once he was so drunk he fell down a flight of stairs and cracked guys skull open. I had to beg the EMTs to take him to the hospital.
The entire time there he said to me we are done.
Another time he fell over a chair in our kitchen.
Was so delusionally drink he accused me of pushing him down a flight of stairs.
Then said he was going to cut off my legs then threatened to leave the house.
Never laid a hand on me.
Promised next day it would never happen again.
Last weekend he got delusionally drunk started telling me he was there craziest lunatic I would ever meet, tore up my magazines and banged on the counters like a lunatic.
Am I crazy for giving him a second chance?
Hon, This is your life from your words......you answer that question of should you give him a second change. Happy that you have kicked him out but chances are you have not heard the last of him. Addicts don't give up easy. Do you have a plan on how to move forward and let him figure out his alcoholism by himself. He knows where he can go to get help, they all do. Hugs and stay strong!
am currently struggling over whether to give an alcoholic bf a second chance.
During that time, he has been drunk for most of it with a few really bad episodes.
Once he was so drunk he fell down a flight of stairs and cracked guys skull open. I had to beg the EMTs to take him to the hospital.
The entire time there he said to me we are done.
Another time he fell over a chair in our kitchen.
Was so delusionally drink he accused me of pushing him down a flight of stairs.
Then said he was going to cut off my legs then threatened to leave the house.
Never laid a hand on me.
Promised next day it would never happen again.
Last weekend he got delusionally drunk started telling me he was there craziest lunatic I would ever meet, tore up my magazines and banged on the counters like a lunatic.
Am I crazy for giving him a second chance?
Hon, This is your life from your words......you answer that question of should you give him a second change. Happy that you have kicked him out but chances are you have not heard the last of him. Addicts don't give up easy. Do you have a plan on how to move forward and let him figure out his alcoholism by himself. He knows where he can go to get help, they all do. Hugs and stay strong!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I stayed with my husband until he died. He never quit drinking for more than a day or two. Once he started up again, it always increased to "too much," 8 - 10 or more beers a day.
Probably most people wouldn't have known how much he was drinking. He was so habituated to alcohol it took that much to get him drunk.
At 18 months, you've seen what his priorities are. Do you agree to live like that?
Probably most people wouldn't have known how much he was drinking. He was so habituated to alcohol it took that much to get him drunk.
At 18 months, you've seen what his priorities are. Do you agree to live like that?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 7
thank you everyone for your support. it is really hard. especially now when i am hurting like crazy and really really missing him. it makes you wonder if you did the right thing. it hurts like hell and feels like a bad dream or nightmare. how do you stay strong?
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