Imposter syndrome - a drunk's life
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Imposter syndrome - a drunk's life
I relied on and used this site to get sober. And, though I do not have any real concerns that I'm going to drink again, I still use SR to fortify my sobriety - remind myself of why I got sober, how I got sober, why I'm going to stay sober and how I am going to stay sober.
Recently I've had some things to deal with in life, professionally and personally, and I think that my mental method of dealing with them unhealthy and a result of, at least in part, my years of being a drunk.
As a drunk who tried to hide much of my heavy drinking, who sacrificed things in my life (relationships, time, money etc) to keep drinking - I developed a sort of guilt-laced fear of being caught, of being found out. I avoided important things, at times I could barely deal with the serious obligations and responsibilities of my life, so I grew accustomed to living in a permanent state of fear - this understanding that, at any moment, someone might find the empty bottles behind the fridge, the flask in my briefcase, might look into my bloodshot eyes and see the truth. Whether it was a boss, the taxman, my woman, my son, or just a liquor store cashier - I operated like a spy or an undercover agent in my own life - who I really was could be found out and revealed and I would be shamed and lose so much.
Although I know "imposter syndrome" is common in our societies, I think being a hardcore drinker compounds and amplifies those feelings. So I still deal with this mode of thinking. When something goes off the rails or not according to plan, as things do in life, I tend to blame myself, or assume the worst or think that something out of my control is somehow a reflection on me. My self-worth is on the line in ways that just aren't realistic. I still feel, almost 2 years sober, like I'm going to be found out. And, in thinking about this, I want to use SR to make myself aware of these mental tendencies.
No one came to save me from my drinking. I had to do that myself, like we all do. And no one is going to come and save me from this damaging, unproductive mode of thinking. I have to be aware of it, accept that I caused it and let it go.
Thanks for letting me vent SR. Happy Monday.
Recently I've had some things to deal with in life, professionally and personally, and I think that my mental method of dealing with them unhealthy and a result of, at least in part, my years of being a drunk.
As a drunk who tried to hide much of my heavy drinking, who sacrificed things in my life (relationships, time, money etc) to keep drinking - I developed a sort of guilt-laced fear of being caught, of being found out. I avoided important things, at times I could barely deal with the serious obligations and responsibilities of my life, so I grew accustomed to living in a permanent state of fear - this understanding that, at any moment, someone might find the empty bottles behind the fridge, the flask in my briefcase, might look into my bloodshot eyes and see the truth. Whether it was a boss, the taxman, my woman, my son, or just a liquor store cashier - I operated like a spy or an undercover agent in my own life - who I really was could be found out and revealed and I would be shamed and lose so much.
Although I know "imposter syndrome" is common in our societies, I think being a hardcore drinker compounds and amplifies those feelings. So I still deal with this mode of thinking. When something goes off the rails or not according to plan, as things do in life, I tend to blame myself, or assume the worst or think that something out of my control is somehow a reflection on me. My self-worth is on the line in ways that just aren't realistic. I still feel, almost 2 years sober, like I'm going to be found out. And, in thinking about this, I want to use SR to make myself aware of these mental tendencies.
No one came to save me from my drinking. I had to do that myself, like we all do. And no one is going to come and save me from this damaging, unproductive mode of thinking. I have to be aware of it, accept that I caused it and let it go.
Thanks for letting me vent SR. Happy Monday.
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"Recently I've had some things to deal with in life, professionally and personally, and I think that my mental method of dealing with them unhealthy and a result of, at least in part, my years of being a drunk."
This was a very large contributing factor to my cycle of drinking.
"No one came to save me from my drinking. I had to do that myself, like we all do. And no one is going to come and save me from this damaging, unproductive mode of thinking."
It is a work in progress, but at least these things are finally being addressed properly.
This was a very large contributing factor to my cycle of drinking.
"No one came to save me from my drinking. I had to do that myself, like we all do. And no one is going to come and save me from this damaging, unproductive mode of thinking."
It is a work in progress, but at least these things are finally being addressed properly.
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Location: UK
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Interesting share dude. I certainly remember the 'getting away with it' feeling adding something extra to the high. I know for me moving forward that I've gotta work on my own feelings of inferiority, which could otherwise take me back down that risky road.
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Wow I have such strong imposter syndrome, I even dream I am found out for crimes such as murder! I always thought it was because I was terrified of my mother as a child and learned to hide most things from her, never occurred to me that the drinking behaviour would compound it. Makes a lot of sense.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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Wow LG. This is brilliant and absolutely my experience.
I have found that what AA calls "rigorous honesty" is something that has to apply in every way to counter my alcoholic life with being every kind of the imposter you described....PLUS my upbringing as a Southern debutante private school country club type with a lot of privilege, and boomer parents - generationally speaking, I've grown up and been an adult with what many would now consider old school manners, expectations of deportment, all kinds of things, plus a born and made (i believe) facility for being the ultimate social butterly. That whole package deal makes me able to act on autopilot which is part of what became a fear based life like you describe.
This is so relateable- esp on this awful, rainy, Feb Atlanta day where grey is way more present and tempting than my preferred pink. Thanks.
I have found that what AA calls "rigorous honesty" is something that has to apply in every way to counter my alcoholic life with being every kind of the imposter you described....PLUS my upbringing as a Southern debutante private school country club type with a lot of privilege, and boomer parents - generationally speaking, I've grown up and been an adult with what many would now consider old school manners, expectations of deportment, all kinds of things, plus a born and made (i believe) facility for being the ultimate social butterly. That whole package deal makes me able to act on autopilot which is part of what became a fear based life like you describe.
This is so relateable- esp on this awful, rainy, Feb Atlanta day where grey is way more present and tempting than my preferred pink. Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Jr67 adds himself to the imposter list.
I recall it first happening back around 7th or 8th grade, so pre-drinking-and-substance-abusing by a few years for me. At that time I was embarrassed at my seemingly easy success at school, while the "cool kids" in that place and time were, shall we say, not the intellectuals. By 10th grade I intentionally underperformed academically to a degree, to more blend in with the crowd. I still did well, but "comfortably" not at the very top of the class, so as, I guess, not to draw attention to myself. (Why? Someone could write a book.)
Fast forward through the decades, and yes, the imposter found lots of things to be fake about -- covering up substance abuse being the theme here on SR, and that aspect of the syndrome certainly applied (applies) to me.
In my case, another contributor to the imposter persona was the fact that I was coming of age back in the late 1960s and '70s, and figuring out I am gay, at a time when it was still "the crime that dares not speak its name" in many circles, including my suburban surroundings and conformist social set. I had no language to speak even to myself about this unexpected ... um, development, and precious few role models -- none positive -- that I was aware of at the time. After much sturm and drang (another book) I eventually came to terms with myself in my 20s, though here in 2020 I still get a flutter of angst when I attempt to "casually" say to a store clerk or a waiter or anyone I don't know, something like, "Oh, just a minute, my husband will be right along." Glad to say that in the past couple of years as I have consciously pushed myself to overcome my conformist reticence and say that, it has come to feel more "normal" to me and, I think, to those strangers and society-at-large.
So, lessgravity, as you say, imposter syndrome apparently is very common, and comes in many strains (as others' responses here reinforce), but yes, for many of us here in SobeRlandia the guilt and duplicity involved in our substance-abusing lives have doubtless given root to their own special varieties of imposterism.
And I firmly agree with you that a key to moving forward for those of us who have fallen prey to the syndrome is to identify it in ourselves, accept it, learn from it what we will, and endeavor to let it go. Speaking for myself, I imagine it will always be a recurring part of me at some level, but I hope I can continue to recognize it and continually practice letting it go, so that the imposter, in turn, loosens his grasp on me.
I recall it first happening back around 7th or 8th grade, so pre-drinking-and-substance-abusing by a few years for me. At that time I was embarrassed at my seemingly easy success at school, while the "cool kids" in that place and time were, shall we say, not the intellectuals. By 10th grade I intentionally underperformed academically to a degree, to more blend in with the crowd. I still did well, but "comfortably" not at the very top of the class, so as, I guess, not to draw attention to myself. (Why? Someone could write a book.)
Fast forward through the decades, and yes, the imposter found lots of things to be fake about -- covering up substance abuse being the theme here on SR, and that aspect of the syndrome certainly applied (applies) to me.
In my case, another contributor to the imposter persona was the fact that I was coming of age back in the late 1960s and '70s, and figuring out I am gay, at a time when it was still "the crime that dares not speak its name" in many circles, including my suburban surroundings and conformist social set. I had no language to speak even to myself about this unexpected ... um, development, and precious few role models -- none positive -- that I was aware of at the time. After much sturm and drang (another book) I eventually came to terms with myself in my 20s, though here in 2020 I still get a flutter of angst when I attempt to "casually" say to a store clerk or a waiter or anyone I don't know, something like, "Oh, just a minute, my husband will be right along." Glad to say that in the past couple of years as I have consciously pushed myself to overcome my conformist reticence and say that, it has come to feel more "normal" to me and, I think, to those strangers and society-at-large.
So, lessgravity, as you say, imposter syndrome apparently is very common, and comes in many strains (as others' responses here reinforce), but yes, for many of us here in SobeRlandia the guilt and duplicity involved in our substance-abusing lives have doubtless given root to their own special varieties of imposterism.
And I firmly agree with you that a key to moving forward for those of us who have fallen prey to the syndrome is to identify it in ourselves, accept it, learn from it what we will, and endeavor to let it go. Speaking for myself, I imagine it will always be a recurring part of me at some level, but I hope I can continue to recognize it and continually practice letting it go, so that the imposter, in turn, loosens his grasp on me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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^^My brother and I have somewhat similar and also diff versions of this imposter stuff. He is gay and born in '79. Given our still quite conservative surroundings etc, his journey was a version of what you describe. He has told me that for a long time he considered marrying and having children bc it was "normal." This stuff is real and it is a lot for many of us.
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"As a drunk who tried to hide much of my heavy drinking, who sacrificed things in my life (relationships, time, money etc) to keep drinking - I developed a sort of guilt-laced fear of being caught, of being found out. I avoided important things, at times I could barely deal with the serious obligations and responsibilities of my life, so I grew accustomed to living in a permanent state of fear - this understanding that, at any moment, someone might find the empty bottles behind the fridge, the flask in my briefcase, might look into my bloodshot eyes and see the truth. Whether it was a boss, the taxman, my woman, my son, or just a liquor store cashier - I operated like a spy or an undercover agent in my own life - who I really was could be found out and revealed and I would be shamed and lose so much."
Whoa. All of this.
I have always suffered from impostor syndrome. Fear of what would happen if people found out I wasn't as good or capable as they thought I was. If they found out I was winging it a lot of the time. That I don't know everything. That I was scared and insecure and felt out of my depth out there in the real world.
So I pretended a lot, lied, covered up the real story. Because heaven forbid anyone get to know the REAL me: surely they wouldn't like me. I do believe this is a big part of why I drank. Drinking allowed me to be someone different, fit in, be "fun." Because I didn't like myself, so why would anyone else? But then of course, drinking like I did was another thing I had to hide and cover up.
This is still a work in progress. I don't know why I am like this, and I'm not sure it matters. What I do know is that I would like to get to point where I like myself more, and don't care as much about what others think.
Whoa. All of this.
I have always suffered from impostor syndrome. Fear of what would happen if people found out I wasn't as good or capable as they thought I was. If they found out I was winging it a lot of the time. That I don't know everything. That I was scared and insecure and felt out of my depth out there in the real world.
So I pretended a lot, lied, covered up the real story. Because heaven forbid anyone get to know the REAL me: surely they wouldn't like me. I do believe this is a big part of why I drank. Drinking allowed me to be someone different, fit in, be "fun." Because I didn't like myself, so why would anyone else? But then of course, drinking like I did was another thing I had to hide and cover up.
This is still a work in progress. I don't know why I am like this, and I'm not sure it matters. What I do know is that I would like to get to point where I like myself more, and don't care as much about what others think.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Wow thanks lessgravity! You made me realise that my imposter syndrome is completely obvious in my relationship with alcohol. It seems so clear now you’ve said but I never figured it’s the same beast at work. Thank you for sharing. I needed that reframing.
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Aww jr, my pleasure. And thanks for the pink wishes. 3 days of headaches and endless seeming rain per usual for Feb aren't the most swell!
I'm really grateful when people bring this kind of stuff up - even when in a 'private' space like SR. Not everyone in the world understands this kind of thing, nor alcoholism/addiction of course, but my strong belief (as those of you who know me around here well know!) is that truth telling and discussion help more than they hurt as many people DO struggle with the same problems.
take care all.
I'm really grateful when people bring this kind of stuff up - even when in a 'private' space like SR. Not everyone in the world understands this kind of thing, nor alcoholism/addiction of course, but my strong belief (as those of you who know me around here well know!) is that truth telling and discussion help more than they hurt as many people DO struggle with the same problems.
take care all.
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Thanks for sharing this less. Its obviously something most of us have struggled with at one time or another.
I think living an authentic life - one that recovery affords us - is a great antidote to imposter syndrome.
D
I think living an authentic life - one that recovery affords us - is a great antidote to imposter syndrome.
D
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I'm not an imposter myself, but I'm not exactly here like many others. I quit drinking more or so as a precaution and did reach 12 in one night a few times in the last year or two before I quit (was starting to get bad).
Even if you are somewhat of an imposter I figure it's best to quit in the long run anyways. I'm kind of in the 1 year no beer to quitting for life realm myself (not an imposter, but I don't want to drink again).
I was watching youtube videos about drinking and saw 1 year no beer. I didn't start following it, but it got me thinking. Quit for the 1st year then quit after that. Make it 1 year then go for the next.
I'm more in the realm of why drink at all? Drinking is filling something I'm missing in my life.
Even if you are somewhat of an imposter I figure it's best to quit in the long run anyways. I'm kind of in the 1 year no beer to quitting for life realm myself (not an imposter, but I don't want to drink again).
I was watching youtube videos about drinking and saw 1 year no beer. I didn't start following it, but it got me thinking. Quit for the 1st year then quit after that. Make it 1 year then go for the next.
I'm more in the realm of why drink at all? Drinking is filling something I'm missing in my life.
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Originally Posted by Mathematics 
I quit drinking more or so as a precaution and did reach 12 in one night a few times in the last year or two before I quit (was starting to get bad).
Even if you are somewhat of an imposter I figure it's best to quit in the long run anyways.
I'm more in the realm of why drink at all? .
Even if you are somewhat of an imposter I figure it's best to quit in the long run anyways.
I'm more in the realm of why drink at all? .
I've learned a tremendous amount in the last few weeks by reading the experiences that people share here on SR.
How much you drink is an indicator, and downing a 12 pack Is probably a threshold of sorts, but the real indication is more in your thought process. For example, if it has become a mechanism by which you avoid the anxiety or fear in your life and if you have lost the ability to moderate, then it is definitely starting to get bad.
There was a great discussion in another thread a couple of weeks ago concerning the question of "why do I want to drink?" For me, during the first few days I was just sickened by the thought of drinking. During the period of about days 10 through 30 I thought, "why can't I drink just a couple like a normal person?" After about day 30 the thought changed to "why do I even wish I could drink just a couple?"
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A great post again lessgravity!
while I relate to everything you have written: the fear of being found out constantly is not the only thing that defines impostor syndrome. I think it is more the feeling that you 'do not deserve' it.
I know many people try to fight it, but I think it is a good human feature to understand that luck (or divine blessing, whatever anybody believes) is part of our life. The reason why some get rich and others don't is anchored in luck, for instance: where you were born, your parents, your health... of course you can contribute with your effort but luck must be there.
The same with becoming addicted: pretty much everybody tries alcohol. Some of us (a minority) become addicted to it. Here is the major difference with impostor syndrome as I understand it. I do not think anybody deserves becoming an addict. It is just bad luck/fate/whatever. Obviously, if we never touch an addictive substance we will not become addicted. Our own will is also involved but there is something more we cannot control.
You made me think
while I relate to everything you have written: the fear of being found out constantly is not the only thing that defines impostor syndrome. I think it is more the feeling that you 'do not deserve' it.
I know many people try to fight it, but I think it is a good human feature to understand that luck (or divine blessing, whatever anybody believes) is part of our life. The reason why some get rich and others don't is anchored in luck, for instance: where you were born, your parents, your health... of course you can contribute with your effort but luck must be there.
The same with becoming addicted: pretty much everybody tries alcohol. Some of us (a minority) become addicted to it. Here is the major difference with impostor syndrome as I understand it. I do not think anybody deserves becoming an addict. It is just bad luck/fate/whatever. Obviously, if we never touch an addictive substance we will not become addicted. Our own will is also involved but there is something more we cannot control.
You made me think
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I relate to so many posts in this thread. I feel as though imposter syndrome was specifically created to describe me. In almost all facets of my life I've always felt like I didn't belong, didn't deserve it, or actually had no idea what I was doing. None of these things are true of course, I'm a competent, intelligent woman who is qualified and has worked hard for everything in her life.
But having that "hidden" life of drinking for so many years sure made me feel as though I had this secret dark side that undermined everything good in my life.
I also relate to feelings of not fitting in or belonging anywhere. Growing up I always felt different in every way from my peers, as though I was literally dropped here from a different planet (still feel that way sometimes!). No role models really, in real life or otherwise. Similar to others here, eventually I struggled to come to terms with being gay and what that meant. Even 20 years ago when I came out it was a different world compared to now. For years, alcohol helped soothe those feelings of alienation and "otherness."
Good thread less.
But having that "hidden" life of drinking for so many years sure made me feel as though I had this secret dark side that undermined everything good in my life.
I also relate to feelings of not fitting in or belonging anywhere. Growing up I always felt different in every way from my peers, as though I was literally dropped here from a different planet (still feel that way sometimes!). No role models really, in real life or otherwise. Similar to others here, eventually I struggled to come to terms with being gay and what that meant. Even 20 years ago when I came out it was a different world compared to now. For years, alcohol helped soothe those feelings of alienation and "otherness."
Good thread less.
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