Shame
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 146
Shame
Relapsed and blew up really meaningful relationships with my best friends by being a pushy and petulant *******. I’ve been sober again for several days and have a babysitter so I can go to meetings next week. I haven’t ever worked the program and i’m terrified but finally at that place of “I have to do something different because I keep spinning my damn wheels and ******* everything up regardless.” The shame is fierce though. I won’t get these friends back and it kills. Ruined my kid’s chances at ever seeing his friends (their kids) again. I just feel like a monster and am trying to ride the desire to drink that out. Have talked to my husband who doesn’t drink at all about it and he is lovely but has no real support to offer other than that we’ll get through it. I know I’ll find a space to talk about it at the meetings but it’s so hard not to ruminate until I can get there. That’s today, folks. I feel like I’m drowning.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
VERY familiar with most of that ^^^^^^^^^ first-hand. The good news is that all that bad news is already behind you. From this minute on, you can decide if you want to continue down that old path and just hope for the best - which never f'ing works........... or...... strike off in a new direction.
I had NO faith AA would work. I "knew" the meetings were BS too. And I had no true hope that the steps / the AA recovery program as a whole would do much to help me. But like you...... I was out of options so I gave it a shot.
"How dark it is before the light......."
While it "feels" bad, your experiences can be a tremendous fuel to catapult you into recovery. And from what I've experienced myself and watched happen over the last 10+ years, ALL of that damage from our past is reparable. It may not happen right away and it may take some definite work.... but a better life absolutely IS available, if we're willing to work for it.
I had NO faith AA would work. I "knew" the meetings were BS too. And I had no true hope that the steps / the AA recovery program as a whole would do much to help me. But like you...... I was out of options so I gave it a shot.
"How dark it is before the light......."
While it "feels" bad, your experiences can be a tremendous fuel to catapult you into recovery. And from what I've experienced myself and watched happen over the last 10+ years, ALL of that damage from our past is reparable. It may not happen right away and it may take some definite work.... but a better life absolutely IS available, if we're willing to work for it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
welcome back prettiekittie 
The only possible thing shame can be good for is helping us ensure we never get in that position again.
Apart from that it's a useless emotion.
Hate the addiction - not the addicted
You're back, you're here and you want change - those are great things to have
I'm confident you can turn things round with our help and meetings/the programme
D
The only possible thing shame can be good for is helping us ensure we never get in that position again.
Apart from that it's a useless emotion.
Hate the addiction - not the addicted
You're back, you're here and you want change - those are great things to have
I'm confident you can turn things round with our help and meetings/the programme
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
This quote from Ophrah has helped me to deal with shame and guilt:
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Ahhh yes, I can really identify with your post. By the end of my drinking I had pushed away most of my friends with my behaviour. I actually had a physical fight with my best friend in front of both our 5 year old daughters who were best friends! It was awful. I threw myself into AA, SR and recovery and I just concentrated on getting myself well. I would use the Serenity Prayer constantly. I couldn't change tbe past or what happened but I could change myself. I am 22 months sober now and have never woken up with that sense of shame since. I have made some amends and I do have friends back in my life today that I upset or pushed away. Not all of them. My ex best friend isn't but then I realised in sobriety that actually she wasn't the right type of friend for me. My daughter grew up with her daughter and so their relationship suffered but kids are resilient. I have made new friends in sobriety and my daughter has new friends too. However a couple of times my daughter has seen her daughter at the park recently and they have played together which is nice but she loves the friends she has now and I am sure the other girl has new ones that she does too.
I would suggest just throwing yourself into meetings and find a sponsor and work the programme. It has changed my life. You will never have to drink again, one day at a time, and you will never have to feel the way you feel now. It isn't easy but it is worth it and I can honestly say hand on heart today that I wouldnt drink today even if I could safely or moderately. My life is a million times better and alcohol has no place in it today.
It is great your husband doesn't drink and he is right... you will get through it together and as a family but if he isn't an alcoholic he isn't going to really understand so that is what we are here for!!
Stay close. Lots of love
🙏❤🙏
I would suggest just throwing yourself into meetings and find a sponsor and work the programme. It has changed my life. You will never have to drink again, one day at a time, and you will never have to feel the way you feel now. It isn't easy but it is worth it and I can honestly say hand on heart today that I wouldnt drink today even if I could safely or moderately. My life is a million times better and alcohol has no place in it today.
It is great your husband doesn't drink and he is right... you will get through it together and as a family but if he isn't an alcoholic he isn't going to really understand so that is what we are here for!!
Stay close. Lots of love
🙏❤🙏
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I tried AA the 'no steps, just go to meetings and don't drink' way and drank again, then went back and actually took the steps.
What a difference, night and day.
The trap really is ... what looks like the hard way, steps, inventory, amends, God etc. ..... Is actually the easy way.
What looks like the easy way, avoid all the above and just don't drink .... Is actually the horribly hard way.
What a difference, night and day.
The trap really is ... what looks like the hard way, steps, inventory, amends, God etc. ..... Is actually the easy way.
What looks like the easy way, avoid all the above and just don't drink .... Is actually the horribly hard way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Prettiekittie - I'm glad you posted about what's going on. Most of us have similar stories. I hurt people I loved & lost the trust of friends & co-workers. My behavior when drinking was the opposite of the real me - no one knew what to do or say. I found that constantly feeling ashamed & guilty was making me sick - and almost led me back to alcohol for 'relief' (though we know it only causes more anxiety). Please be kind to yourself as you get well and heal from this incident. Know that you are never alone - we all understand how you're feeling. Keep posting & let us know how you are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Originally Posted by prettiekittie 
Relapsed and blew up really meaningful relationships with my best friends by being a pushy and petulant *******. I’ve been sober again for several days and have a babysitter so I can go to meetings next week. I haven’t ever worked the program and i’m terrified but finally at that place of “I have to do something different because I keep spinning my damn wheels and ******* everything up regardless.” The shame is fierce though. I won’t get these friends back and it kills. Ruined my kid’s chances at ever seeing his friends (their kids) again. I just feel like a monster and am trying to ride the desire to drink that out. Have talked to my husband who doesn’t drink at all about it and he is lovely but has no real support to offer other than that we’ll get through it. I know I’ll find a space to talk about it at the meetings but it’s so hard not to ruminate until I can get there. That’s today, folks. I feel like I’m drowning.
Also I'm sure your friends have gotten drunk and did or said something stupid before. It sounds to me like they're petty and think they're better than you. I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that.
Do whatever it takes to stay stopped drinking and make a life for yourself. There's no life in the bottle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Prettiekittie - I'm glad you posted about what's going on. Most of us have similar stories. I hurt people I loved & lost the trust of friends & co-workers. My behavior when drinking was the opposite of the real me - no one knew what to do or say. I found that constantly feeling ashamed & guilty was making me sick - and almost led me back to alcohol for 'relief' (though we know it only causes more anxiety). Please be kind to yourself as you get well and heal from this incident. Know that you are never alone - we all understand how you're feeling. Keep posting & let us know how you are.
I am still sober so far, but it still hasn’t been that long. I looked up addictions counselors who accept my insurance and am going to call them first thing Monday. Plan to check out SMART and AA to see what I like. Meetings and counseling ASAP.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
As the daughter of a nasty drinker I can tell you how much damage it will do to your family, as well as your friendship group, if you keep drinking. You may not see it while your children are small and sweet, but once they get a bit older and start challenging you it could become very hurtful and disruptive to family life.
Your husband is stepping back, which is a good thing because he's putting the responsibility back to where it belongs. No-one can fix this except you, but if you do it will be a triumph for you and a gift to your family.
Your major challenge will be when the memory of your behaviour starts to fade and you minimise it because you want to be able to have that glass of wine socially. Don't do it - it will start another cycle. The only lasting solution is total abstinence (I know that's scary because I've been through it myself). As the years go by you will be so happy you made that decision .
Your husband is stepping back, which is a good thing because he's putting the responsibility back to where it belongs. No-one can fix this except you, but if you do it will be a triumph for you and a gift to your family.
Your major challenge will be when the memory of your behaviour starts to fade and you minimise it because you want to be able to have that glass of wine socially. Don't do it - it will start another cycle. The only lasting solution is total abstinence (I know that's scary because I've been through it myself). As the years go by you will be so happy you made that decision .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by prettiekittie
Relapsed and blew up really meaningful relationships with my best friends by being a pushy and petulant *******. I’ve been sober again for several days and have a babysitter so I can go to meetings next week. I haven’t ever worked the program and i’m terrified but finally at that place of “I have to do something different because I keep spinning my damn wheels and ******* everything up regardless.” The shame is fierce though. I won’t get these friends back and it kills. Ruined my kid’s chances at ever seeing his friends (their kids) again. I just feel like a monster and am trying to ride the desire to drink that out. Have talked to my husband who doesn’t drink at all about it and he is lovely but has no real support to offer other than that we’ll get through it. I know I’ll find a space to talk about it at the meetings but it’s so hard not to ruminate until I can get there. That’s today, folks. I feel like I’m drowning.
The day I stopped drinking was the day the chaos described above ceased.
Now, there is more to living a healthy life than simply not drinking,
However.... the act of putting down the bottle generally ends the craziness associated with problem drinking right then and there.
At which point one can start putting their life back together.
But the drinking has to first stop.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
