hopeful4

Just an FYI...this is about parenting...nothing to do with addiction.

My daughter goes to a small school. She has been with the same girls and boys her entire life. This year is an important year for them, and we will be doing a lot of traveling together at the end of the year for a few school things. We are all friends, including the teachers who also have children in this same grade.

The boys are of course at an age they are noticing the girls and their bodies. Every once in a while, one of them says something they should not. Nothing very serious, and once they go to the huge school that is the next step in their lives, they will hear a lot more unfortunately.

Of course it's awkward, but I have taught my daughter to speak out to them. She basically says, "don't be a perv," and moves on. It's not a serious problem by any means. I feel I have raised her to be strong in this way.

So one of the girls from one class lower had a boy say something and her mother called the school. All fine and dandy. School then pulled our girls in and asked them if this happens on the regular. They said sometimes. School asked them what they would like to see happened, and they stated they should speak to the boys about what it may be like to be the girl and to stop. They specifically told them that's all that they wanted to happen.

School took a different route and gave all the boys detention. The main homeroom teacher has a son who was part of the detention group (and he got to leave early from detention which is ridiculous).

So now, the fall out happens. The mother of said child is also a teacher. The girls all love these teachers, and now they are basically treating them coldly and really not nice at all. Told them that when we all go out of town (we have a trip this weekend) together the boys are not allowed to eat with the girls (he is a ball coach so he is allowed to tell them this). We will all be in the same hotel. That type thing. The girls are very upset this happened and feel betrayed.

So basically our girls have taken the heat for all of this, and the original girl who complained and had her mom call no one even knows that happened except our girls. They don't want to tell anyone b/c they don't want it to be worse for that girl which is admirable I feel.

In all the frustration of this happening, my daughter will NEVER share with a teacher again. They were all told this was a "safe" conversation which in turn blew up in their faces.

My child does not want me to say anything b/c she does not want to make it worse for herself, which I can see. I did email school and let them know I do not want my child pulled aside for meetings that don't have anything to do with school or sports without my permission first.

What would you do? How would you help your child and honestly yourself navigate through all of this.

There may be no answers, but I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

Nd819

My first reaction was to just say this will all blow over and to just let it run it's course. On the other hand what are we teaching our girls then? If you complain about inappropriate behavior by boys/men you will be the one dealing with the fallout and it's better just to "put up with it". Maybe the parents of the girls all need to have a meeting with the principal to discuss this. It sounds like it was poorly handled, a simple discussion with the boys about appropriate behavior was probably all that was needed. If you listen to current music, tv, videos, tiktok, etc it's no wonder boys and girls are confused about how to behave. Good luck!

hopeful4

Yes, I agree that is how it should have been handled. It's a shame because it just taught our girls that if they do open up to a trusted authority figure it will blow back up in your face, and I HATE that.

I don't know that there is anything else I can do except keep listening when my daughter is talking, and always being there for her.

trailmix

I would contact the school, personally and ask that they have someone who actually knows how to handle this, come and speak to the students (and teachers apparently!) about proper treatment of people.

They must have resources or access to them, one would think, even from a larger, neighbouring school (psychiatrist, counsellor) who could handle this and defuse it.

Yes it's now much bigger than it should have been, it's caused division in an otherwise close knit group and that's really too bad because if it hadn't been mishandled it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.

HeadEast

It really was poorly handled. I'm a grandpa. You really don't want to know how I would have handled it. I think you are doing the best you can do.

PuzzledHeart

I would argue that the girls talked to the teacher in the hope that the school would help the boys and girls figure out a way to work and study together. Although punishing the boys does send a clear message, I would argue that the school's job is not yet complete. How do you get boys/girls men/women to work together without fear of harassment? How do you teach people to actually LISTEN and not get defensive when a legitimate issue is raised?

I'm sure for many of the boys (and the son of the teacher) the "it was just a joke/I was just trying to get her attention" defense is burned in their brains. The problem is that that same tone-deaf attitude becomes the foundation of behavior that is certainly NOT attractive to women. I was just having a conversation with somebody today about a certain type of picture that I would never ever want to see on my phone. Why do guys even think that it's actually an attractive thing to send is way beyond my comprehension. And yet it is a thing! WTH???

So yes, the school should send a clear message that boorish behavior is unacceptable. The school should also provide guidance to everyone on how to move forward. If they don't do that, they are totally dropping the ball.

trailmix

This happened to me!! Bit of background, I met someone, went to their place - absolutely zero happened, not even a hug! Fun conversation, I got in a taxi and went home.

Next day he texts me, how are you today blah blah blah and then one of the pictures you mention. I didn't even know this WAS a thing, until then and after discussing it with some people. What a huge turn off.

My theory is no one in their right mind would do that soooo it's a good indicator that someone isn't in their right mind.

velma929

Hmmm. I guess it would be a lesson for everyone about how, if you report something, you may not get a choice about what happens next.

I don't listen to the stuff kids listen to. Rap and other modern music features men calling women all kinds of things, so snapping a bra strap or commenting on physique seems tame by comparison.

What if the school took the tactic of: "We are preparing you for adulthood and the outside world. School is your job for now, and while here, you will adopt the attitude of a job, do what is asked of you to the best of your ability, and treat the people around you with respect."

I am puzzled that the school took such an extreme measure. I'd suspect that someone had a private conversation with an authority figure, and painted a different, more serious picture of the harassment.

SparkleKitty

It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that the school chose blind/blanket punishment over discussing the boys' behavior with them directly and looking for accountability. It doesn't surprise me that the teachers are blaming the girls. This is par for the course in this country.

FallenAngelina

It's not so outrageous when you consider what is common now. It's so common that memes abound. To me, it's an indicator that a guy follows the pack. I don't know why so many guys think that this is the way to attract women, but it's definitely common.

hopeful4

It's very difficult. We have a school counselor who was not even advised of the situation. He most definitely would have handled things they way they should have been handled, which is why I am even more upset.

Apparently yesterday was a bit better, so I am hoping things die down on their own. I have spoken to my own daughter about all of this, and I feel that is about I can do. I did let the school know I thought it was mishandled and that they missed the mark on this. I feel I have done all I can.

It should be an interesting weekend with all of us together. We shall see.

FarmhouseGal

velma929

I have to add, I wish I had had a phrase at the ready, like "Don't be a perv" the last time I was accosted by a stranger.

You would think that folks who took ballroom dance lessons would be too classy to feel strangers' breasts "accidentally on purpose." You would be wrong. Sadly, the instructor when informed did not believe the five women who told him about it, insisting the man whose name he didn't know was a nice guy.