Families of High Functioning Alcoholics
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Families of High Functioning Alcoholics
Hi, I'm a mom of 4. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic currently. I'm interested in hearing from those whose spouse once was in that category or currently is . I guess I'm trying to find ways to prevent this from getting any worse and I suppose, just some empathy. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello! I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
My X husband fell into that category, until it got worse. Even now, years later, he holds down a pretty good job and such even being an addict. That being said, there is nothing you can do to keep it from getting worse. In my opinion addiction ebbs and flows, and at least for my XAH he goes through times he does pretty well, then it all falls apart and gets really bad. It's an evil cycle.
I do feel for you. Looking back I can tell you that I joined Celebrate Recovery which really helped me get face to face support from people who truly understand. I also went to therapy so I knew that no matter the outcome, I would be strong enough to handle it.
I recommend taking good care of yourself, and continue to do things you like to do. Have a good support system.
SR is a great place for support, I am glad you are here.
My X husband fell into that category, until it got worse. Even now, years later, he holds down a pretty good job and such even being an addict. That being said, there is nothing you can do to keep it from getting worse. In my opinion addiction ebbs and flows, and at least for my XAH he goes through times he does pretty well, then it all falls apart and gets really bad. It's an evil cycle.
I do feel for you. Looking back I can tell you that I joined Celebrate Recovery which really helped me get face to face support from people who truly understand. I also went to therapy so I knew that no matter the outcome, I would be strong enough to handle it.
I recommend taking good care of yourself, and continue to do things you like to do. Have a good support system.
SR is a great place for support, I am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
hi, I guess first of all, alcoholics are "high functioning" until they are not and that can happen rapidly in some cases.
So based on what you said in your other post, he is just drinking with some periods where he tries sobriety and moderation. That's pretty standard.
You also mentioned his troubled childhood. Many people have troubled childhoods or other trauma, however, they don't drink over it.
The difference between them and alcoholics is that they have found ways to cope or carry on without alcohol. Alcohol is a poor coping mechanism, which I am sure you are already aware.
Anyway, glad you are here, hope you will stick around.
Always remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
So based on what you said in your other post, he is just drinking with some periods where he tries sobriety and moderation. That's pretty standard.
You also mentioned his troubled childhood. Many people have troubled childhoods or other trauma, however, they don't drink over it.
The difference between them and alcoholics is that they have found ways to cope or carry on without alcohol. Alcohol is a poor coping mechanism, which I am sure you are already aware.
Anyway, glad you are here, hope you will stick around.
Always remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Olivia.......with those who are labeled "high functioning"......it is usually the outside world that sees them that way.....at lease, at first.....The ones closest to them...the ones at home, are the ones to suffer the most from the drinking....
In a person's life, at home is where the responsibility is the greatest and the fallout is felt the most.
In my experience, just because a person goes to work everyday, in a suit....and brings home a regular paycheck....doesn't mean that they can't do a lot of damage to their loved ones.....either overt or by neglect.....
In a person's life, at home is where the responsibility is the greatest and the fallout is felt the most.
In my experience, just because a person goes to work everyday, in a suit....and brings home a regular paycheck....doesn't mean that they can't do a lot of damage to their loved ones.....either overt or by neglect.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
high functioning is not a type of alcoholic, it's a phase....when the drinking has not YET completely taken over. but it IS already taking over....that man who passes out on the couch a few nights a week, the man who drinks to oblivion, who gets mean, is unavailable in a crisis, and drowning his sorrows with ZERO concern for anyone else - including his own wife and four children......that man has already sold his soul in favor of MORE to drink.
he knows.
you know.
the children know. a LOT more than you think (or hope) they do.
there is nothing YOU can do to prevent HIS drinking and the fallout from getting worse. you can only protect yourself and the kids to the best of your ability. you can ask, plead and beg him to get help - but here's the catch - he does not HAVE to quit drinking. should, obviously, but does not HAVE to change a thing.
alcoholism is a progressive illness. unless stopped dead in it's tracks - ie NO more drugs or alcohol, EVER - the illness WILL get worse. it always does. every.single.time without exception. there is no moderation, there is no only on holidays, or at weddings. not one more drop. not one more pill, line, toke, whatever.
he may have had a rough childhood. but there are four kids in your house right now who are children of an alcoholic and already have their own stories to tell. the cycle CAN stop, for them. with help.
he knows.
you know.
the children know. a LOT more than you think (or hope) they do.
there is nothing YOU can do to prevent HIS drinking and the fallout from getting worse. you can only protect yourself and the kids to the best of your ability. you can ask, plead and beg him to get help - but here's the catch - he does not HAVE to quit drinking. should, obviously, but does not HAVE to change a thing.
alcoholism is a progressive illness. unless stopped dead in it's tracks - ie NO more drugs or alcohol, EVER - the illness WILL get worse. it always does. every.single.time without exception. there is no moderation, there is no only on holidays, or at weddings. not one more drop. not one more pill, line, toke, whatever.
he may have had a rough childhood. but there are four kids in your house right now who are children of an alcoholic and already have their own stories to tell. the cycle CAN stop, for them. with help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi Olivia
sorry for what brings you here
I find the term "high functioning" pretty confusing. Take the alcohol away and my husband doesn't function at all .....
You are at the stage that YOU are reaching out for help and support. I know it's hard but try to put what he is doing to one side for the moment. He's not ready to change or ask for help. He probably thinks he doesn't have a problem.
The thing is you do have a problem (his drinking) The best place to get help is Al-Anon.
You are asking to hear from others ....... I went to Al-Anon (and later CoDA) when my children were small and I was at my wits end with my husband's drinking. It taught me so much about how to live with him and his condition. It literally saved my life. I did stay with him for 12 more years and we did manage to have mostly a good time, with quite a lot of bad times thrown in, but generally I was pretty happy. The kids had a happy childhood. Because Al-Anon taught me how to have boundaries, how to look at my reactions and expectations.
And I could talk to people who really, truly understood.
He did get worse and worse and I could no longer stay. I'd love to say it was a happy ending but it really wasn't. I'm glad I stayed all those years but I couldn't have done it without Al-Anon.
sorry for what brings you here
I find the term "high functioning" pretty confusing. Take the alcohol away and my husband doesn't function at all .....
You are at the stage that YOU are reaching out for help and support. I know it's hard but try to put what he is doing to one side for the moment. He's not ready to change or ask for help. He probably thinks he doesn't have a problem.
The thing is you do have a problem (his drinking) The best place to get help is Al-Anon.
You are asking to hear from others ....... I went to Al-Anon (and later CoDA) when my children were small and I was at my wits end with my husband's drinking. It taught me so much about how to live with him and his condition. It literally saved my life. I did stay with him for 12 more years and we did manage to have mostly a good time, with quite a lot of bad times thrown in, but generally I was pretty happy. The kids had a happy childhood. Because Al-Anon taught me how to have boundaries, how to look at my reactions and expectations.
And I could talk to people who really, truly understood.
He did get worse and worse and I could no longer stay. I'd love to say it was a happy ending but it really wasn't. I'm glad I stayed all those years but I couldn't have done it without Al-Anon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Thank you everyone. I might go to Al-Anon. He has certainly had the ebbs and flows. Not violent or anything but I'm sure you all know the lonely feeling of sitting next to your husband who can't really carry on a conversation. That said, that was the extent of it until recently, he would drink 3 - 5 nights each week after our youngest was in bed , and fall asleep on the couch. Had one drunk driving episode a year ago, and another two weeks ago when my son and I had to find him, in a snow bank , passed out in his vehicle, twice in one day. For now, he is doing a program called "habits unplugged" and seems to be working. He has only drank twice out of the last 14 days. He has agreed just today that if that program doesn't work in the next three months, and he's still drinking regularly, he'll go to a professional addictions counselor. I think I may get a new counselor who has more experience with kids though, maybe even go to an addictions counselor myself to get some perspective. Maybe this is all in vain, I don't know. He says he is doing all this work (AA, and the Habits Online program) because he loves us and wants to stop. I'll give him the three months. I'm just so sad right now. He certainly didn't like it when I said I may take the kids to counseling. He said , "Oh so if I don't see the counselor, you'll do that to hold it over my head". I know that's his fear and defence. I calmly said said no, I'm probably going to take them anyway because this is beyond my skill level, and I want to be sure I'm doing the right things for them. Do any Al Anon groups have couselors??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
As I came to realize after my XRAH went to rehab.....high functioning really means that they function well outside the house as far as work and around other people. But at home they are not at all functional. My ex was fine at work but the drinking started as soon as he got home. So yes he functioned fine at work at outside of the home but at home that all went out the door as soon as he started to drink. Emotionally very much unavailable which was a huge reason for our ultimate demise even after he got sober. I had been emotionally neglected for too long, I had detached and there was not going back for me.
You cannot stop him from getting worse. I was with my ex for 16 years. He would have periods of sobriety (longest ever was 13 months) but always went back to being a problem drinker at home (he hid it well from the outside world and I helped him cover). I am the one that hit rock bottom. He will get worse, it is only a matter of time. It could be next week or next year or even later. But he will get worse I’m sad to say. And unless he is wanting to stop for himself, he will likely be unsuccessful. He may be able to quit for a while for his family. But unless he is really doing it for him he won’t stay clean. Recovery is really tough even when they are committed. He should not be drinking at all. Alcoholics can not drink in moderation. Not in the long run anyway. It is either all or nothing.
You cannot stop him from getting worse. I was with my ex for 16 years. He would have periods of sobriety (longest ever was 13 months) but always went back to being a problem drinker at home (he hid it well from the outside world and I helped him cover). I am the one that hit rock bottom. He will get worse, it is only a matter of time. It could be next week or next year or even later. But he will get worse I’m sad to say. And unless he is wanting to stop for himself, he will likely be unsuccessful. He may be able to quit for a while for his family. But unless he is really doing it for him he won’t stay clean. Recovery is really tough even when they are committed. He should not be drinking at all. Alcoholics can not drink in moderation. Not in the long run anyway. It is either all or nothing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Welcome Olivia, I am sorry for what brings you here but you will definitely find support and understanding. My husband is a HFA, he has been drinking every night for years. Started when the kids were very young, first with the occasional happy hour after work and progressed to nightly putting back anywhere from 6-10 drinks. It's really hard to know for sure because he is the master of hiding. Most people wouldn't even realize he's been drinking but I can tell by the change in his voice, his speech patterns, and the way his movements slow down. It absolutely makes me crazy. Anyway, I share this so you know I truly can understand how you must feel. Good luck to you and please reach out here for support and info.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Wow, I could have written this. It makes you feel like you're going crazy because he lies to your face through the slurred, slow speech or exaggerated intonation. Others don't really see it because it's usually at home. It's actually a relief to me now, that others know and we're not keeping his secrets for him. I realize that I'll never really know how much he really drank because of the hiding as you said. I wish my kids had the courage to tell him how they feel, but they just tell me. They love him and worry about him. That kills me, but that wouldn't change if we left. They don't want to leave the house so I guess we're here for now. I hope it's worth it. He's doing an online program and I'm praying it works. If not, I'll start planning my life as a single parent. I know my kids would understand. The bigger issue is I don't really trust him to care for the kids on his own because of drunk driving and general drunkeness things (like burning things in the oven etc). Day by day for now. I need an anti anxiety med to deal with this I think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Your children are one older than 19 and not at home, one 19 year old and one 12, based on your post in the newcomers to recovery forum.
I guarantee you they ALL know what's going on. The passing out on the sofa, the non-connection, the DUI's. Children are not blind. I grew up with an alcoholic Father. Unless you live in a mansion - they know.
As I child I never questioned it, didn't understand alcoholism until much later - because what is there to question? That is your Father regardless, does it matter why he does what he does?
What they probably don't know is how to deal with it. What to say, you said it had been kept a "secret" which probably just means no one is talking about it, not in your family and not outside the family, not really a secret, just a silent agreement not to discuss it?
In my house, it was not a secret, my Mother never pretended it was. She said your Dad is drunk - because hey, he was, she called it as it was, never tried to pretend it wasn't dysfunctional.
She never left us alone with him, never had him drive us anywhere without her present, never left us alone when he had people over.
That is the safe way. People who are drunk are unreliable and can't care for children, that's a fact.
I am one of 3 siblings, I never discussed my Father's drinking with him and yes, I did see him and talk to him all the time. That was not my place, in my opinion. I doubt it would have made any difference anyway.
He never sought recovery, never even discussed it. Oh yes, he did work and he worked very hard. He had a tough, very responsible job and always worked. But, he was also an alcoholic.
If affects everyone in the household. It will for the rest of their lives, however there is Al Anon for support for Friends and Family and there is therapy for your younger one and then Alateen when she is a bit older perhaps.
You mentioned at least they see you sticking around and trying to support him, however what they have actually seen is really just supporting bad behaviour and enabling their Dad. They see that and what they learn is that you stick it out in a relationship no matter how dysfunctional, no matter how poorly you are treated etc.
(I am not judging you by the way, just sharing that information).
I guarantee you they ALL know what's going on. The passing out on the sofa, the non-connection, the DUI's. Children are not blind. I grew up with an alcoholic Father. Unless you live in a mansion - they know.
As I child I never questioned it, didn't understand alcoholism until much later - because what is there to question? That is your Father regardless, does it matter why he does what he does?
What they probably don't know is how to deal with it. What to say, you said it had been kept a "secret" which probably just means no one is talking about it, not in your family and not outside the family, not really a secret, just a silent agreement not to discuss it?
In my house, it was not a secret, my Mother never pretended it was. She said your Dad is drunk - because hey, he was, she called it as it was, never tried to pretend it wasn't dysfunctional.
She never left us alone with him, never had him drive us anywhere without her present, never left us alone when he had people over.
That is the safe way. People who are drunk are unreliable and can't care for children, that's a fact.
I am one of 3 siblings, I never discussed my Father's drinking with him and yes, I did see him and talk to him all the time. That was not my place, in my opinion. I doubt it would have made any difference anyway.
He never sought recovery, never even discussed it. Oh yes, he did work and he worked very hard. He had a tough, very responsible job and always worked. But, he was also an alcoholic.
If affects everyone in the household. It will for the rest of their lives, however there is Al Anon for support for Friends and Family and there is therapy for your younger one and then Alateen when she is a bit older perhaps.
You mentioned at least they see you sticking around and trying to support him, however what they have actually seen is really just supporting bad behaviour and enabling their Dad. They see that and what they learn is that you stick it out in a relationship no matter how dysfunctional, no matter how poorly you are treated etc.
(I am not judging you by the way, just sharing that information).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I managed to protect my kid and my nieces (whom we were raising) for the most part but that doesn’t mean they didn’t see the behaviors, they just didn’t know why. He has a pretty stressful busy job (although surprisingly when he quit drinking and learned new coping skills the job was a lot less stressful even though the job hadn’t changed, he just had learned ways to handle it) and so he was a tired a lot falling asleep on the couch and grumpy. Normal right? After all he is tired and stressed from his job? Well no it isn’t but that’s what people blame it on. When I met him he was in the middle of a very stressful divorce so normal that he drinks a little more right? There is so much dysfunction in the household with an alcoholic but we tend to not see it or justify it until we are finally willing to finally see the truth. I’m certainly guilty of that as well. My kid remembers that her daddy was always tired. She now know why that was (she was 6 when he went to rehab). My nieces were much older and they still had no clue. To them he was just a grumpy stressed out and tired uncle. I always drove « because I had the better car » but really it was because I didn’t trust him. I rarely left him alone with our kid the last couple of years. He often would opt out of going to friends bbq etc because he was tired on call. And I covered for him by coming up with excuses. I also did everything at home pretty much but I only worked very part time so normal right? There were so many things that in retrospect are so obviously dysfunctional. Also everyone was tiptoeing around him because he was tired and grumpy and we didn’t want to make him more grumpy.....
Your kids know things aren’t right even if you don’t put a name to it. And that may actually be worse. They will come up with their own theories of what’s going on. They might think it is somehow their fault and so do anything not to upset their dad. These things may not seem huge but believe me they really are. They all add up. Also kids that grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household are much more prone to becoming addicts as well and a huge reason for that is because the dysfunctional ways....poor communication, not learning to express their feeling because they don’t want to upset or because they’re not allowed to. In rehab we were told that those were the biggest predictors for becoming addicts because they don’t learn normal coping skills and hence the cycle continues. The day no to drug campaigns are really useless. Kids need to learn how to feel, how to express those feeling and learn and be able to communicate. That is why sometimes it really is much better to get out of a dysfunctional relationship and split.
I know you are not ready to leave right now. I stuck around a lot longer than I probably should’ve because I figured the kids were safer if I stayed because I could make sure that they were safe (my ex one time cleaned and showed my then 5 yo his guns and talked to her about going shooting sometime, while he was drunk....I was livid. And she was uncomfortable because guns scare her but she didn’t want to say anything to her dad to upset him. The last 2 years I started really detaching and doing my own thing and he was « sober » the first year but a dry drunk. You will know when you have had enough or when things are ok. But I would start thinking about boundaries and a plan in case. I agree that an online program is probably not that useful as there is zero accountability. When my ex was in rehab in group sessions especially they would call each other out on the BS and that’s what helps because they get confronted with their behaviors because they’ve all been there and they know. And you really won’t know what they will be like until they have been truly clean for a year (meaning they are working a recovery program/meetings etc. It takes a few months just for the fog to clear out of their brains. and it sounds like your H is still drinking occasionally (as far as you know anyway). My ex would quit for a few weeks and then start drinking in moderation which then quickly would escalate. If an alcoholic had not drank for weeks or months or even years, once they take that first drink again, it’s like they never stopped, they pick up where they left off. Which is why they should never touch alcohol ever again. If you can find the documentary Pleasure Unwoven I highly recommend it as well as codependent no more book.
Learn all you can about alcoholism because there is a lot to it. I’m a medical provider and realized how little I actually knew about it until I was forced to learn about it in detail once my ex went to rehab. Keep reading here be use your story is nothing « special » or different from others. You will realize that we all basically have the same stories and you will find yourself in most of them more than likely and you will learn from others experiences.
You don’t have to make any decisions today as far as whether you need to stay or go. But protecting the kids may seem like a good idea but in reality it really isn’t which seems counterintuitive. Your kids may have lots of questions or concerns but are afraid to ask and so they will keep all of that inside them and just wonder.
Alcoholism is a complicated disease that affects everyone in the household unfortunately. I didn’t realize how much it had affected me because I always just kept my head and and kept on going and forgot myself and my mental health in the process. I also had to change a lot of my codependent ways so I needed a lot of work as well to avoid falling into the same trap in the future.
Sounds like you are seeing a counselor so that is good.
Good luck with everything. Take your time learning and as time goes on you will know what is best for you and the kids. You are probably a bit in a whirlwind right now and it is probably overwhelming which makes it hard to see things clearly sometimes. It took me 2 years of weekly counseling after my ex went to rehab to really be ok with divorcing but I feel strongly that it was the best thing for me. I’m much happier and our kid has 2 parents who are happier single than married and that is better for her than having an intact family where their parents are not happy. I lost my feelings for him and was just done when he went to rehab but I didn’t realize it until later. For me there as no coming back from losing that loving feeling. Each family is different and you will figure out what is best for you.
Your kids know things aren’t right even if you don’t put a name to it. And that may actually be worse. They will come up with their own theories of what’s going on. They might think it is somehow their fault and so do anything not to upset their dad. These things may not seem huge but believe me they really are. They all add up. Also kids that grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household are much more prone to becoming addicts as well and a huge reason for that is because the dysfunctional ways....poor communication, not learning to express their feeling because they don’t want to upset or because they’re not allowed to. In rehab we were told that those were the biggest predictors for becoming addicts because they don’t learn normal coping skills and hence the cycle continues. The day no to drug campaigns are really useless. Kids need to learn how to feel, how to express those feeling and learn and be able to communicate. That is why sometimes it really is much better to get out of a dysfunctional relationship and split.
I know you are not ready to leave right now. I stuck around a lot longer than I probably should’ve because I figured the kids were safer if I stayed because I could make sure that they were safe (my ex one time cleaned and showed my then 5 yo his guns and talked to her about going shooting sometime, while he was drunk....I was livid. And she was uncomfortable because guns scare her but she didn’t want to say anything to her dad to upset him. The last 2 years I started really detaching and doing my own thing and he was « sober » the first year but a dry drunk. You will know when you have had enough or when things are ok. But I would start thinking about boundaries and a plan in case. I agree that an online program is probably not that useful as there is zero accountability. When my ex was in rehab in group sessions especially they would call each other out on the BS and that’s what helps because they get confronted with their behaviors because they’ve all been there and they know. And you really won’t know what they will be like until they have been truly clean for a year (meaning they are working a recovery program/meetings etc. It takes a few months just for the fog to clear out of their brains. and it sounds like your H is still drinking occasionally (as far as you know anyway). My ex would quit for a few weeks and then start drinking in moderation which then quickly would escalate. If an alcoholic had not drank for weeks or months or even years, once they take that first drink again, it’s like they never stopped, they pick up where they left off. Which is why they should never touch alcohol ever again. If you can find the documentary Pleasure Unwoven I highly recommend it as well as codependent no more book.
Learn all you can about alcoholism because there is a lot to it. I’m a medical provider and realized how little I actually knew about it until I was forced to learn about it in detail once my ex went to rehab. Keep reading here be use your story is nothing « special » or different from others. You will realize that we all basically have the same stories and you will find yourself in most of them more than likely and you will learn from others experiences.
You don’t have to make any decisions today as far as whether you need to stay or go. But protecting the kids may seem like a good idea but in reality it really isn’t which seems counterintuitive. Your kids may have lots of questions or concerns but are afraid to ask and so they will keep all of that inside them and just wonder.
Alcoholism is a complicated disease that affects everyone in the household unfortunately. I didn’t realize how much it had affected me because I always just kept my head and and kept on going and forgot myself and my mental health in the process. I also had to change a lot of my codependent ways so I needed a lot of work as well to avoid falling into the same trap in the future.
Sounds like you are seeing a counselor so that is good.
Good luck with everything. Take your time learning and as time goes on you will know what is best for you and the kids. You are probably a bit in a whirlwind right now and it is probably overwhelming which makes it hard to see things clearly sometimes. It took me 2 years of weekly counseling after my ex went to rehab to really be ok with divorcing but I feel strongly that it was the best thing for me. I’m much happier and our kid has 2 parents who are happier single than married and that is better for her than having an intact family where their parents are not happy. I lost my feelings for him and was just done when he went to rehab but I didn’t realize it until later. For me there as no coming back from losing that loving feeling. Each family is different and you will figure out what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Welcome Olivia -
I am the wife of an alcoholic. Married for over 20 years, 3 children (1 still at home). We have been separated now for almost 6 months. My AH left our home so thankfully we were able to stay put. My AH was always a drinker, until 5 or so years ago when he became a DRINKER. Like others have said, he was functioning everywhere except where it mattered most, at home. I won’t go into details but once i finally saw how my AH’s drinking was affecting our son (14) that is when I had to make a hard decision. Keep enabling my AH or save our son from AH’s actions. I chose to save my son. Something funny happened in the process though, I am inadvertently saving myself as well, go figure lol My AH is still drinking.
Al Anon has been my life saver, I cannot recommend it enough. Just like here, Al Anon will give you many different viewpoints. Lots of spouses/significant others who stay in the relationship and many who chose to leave. That is your choice to make, just as it’s your husbands choice to keep drinking or embrace recovery.
Thank you for sharing
Remember, One day at a time (I cannot stress this enough)
Did you know that if you click on a members name, at the top of their thread, you can go back and read their previous posts? It’s a good tool if you want to learn more about a members story.
I am the wife of an alcoholic. Married for over 20 years, 3 children (1 still at home). We have been separated now for almost 6 months. My AH left our home so thankfully we were able to stay put. My AH was always a drinker, until 5 or so years ago when he became a DRINKER. Like others have said, he was functioning everywhere except where it mattered most, at home. I won’t go into details but once i finally saw how my AH’s drinking was affecting our son (14) that is when I had to make a hard decision. Keep enabling my AH or save our son from AH’s actions. I chose to save my son. Something funny happened in the process though, I am inadvertently saving myself as well, go figure lol My AH is still drinking.
Al Anon has been my life saver, I cannot recommend it enough. Just like here, Al Anon will give you many different viewpoints. Lots of spouses/significant others who stay in the relationship and many who chose to leave. That is your choice to make, just as it’s your husbands choice to keep drinking or embrace recovery.
Thank you for sharing
Remember, One day at a time (I cannot stress this enough)
Did you know that if you click on a members name, at the top of their thread, you can go back and read their previous posts? It’s a good tool if you want to learn more about a members story.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
My husband was high functioning until he wasn't.
We didn't have any children, so that wasn't an issue. I dislike psychological jargon so I'll say this: My fiance's / husband's drinking didn't seem excessive because I grew up watching my Dad drink a lot.
Within a year of our marriage, my husband had his first DUI. Some years later, he had a second. Then my Dad at age 75 had a DUI manslaughter charge, for which he was convicted. Dad had been a 'high functioning alcoholic' for God knows how long.
I mention this because I can tell you from experience that heavy drinking can be easily overlooked by people who grow up living around it. Not that it looked normal - I knew Late Husband had a problem, I just thought he'd outgrow it / stress from his divorce / bad habit. And Dad drank a lot - and he never had a problem, until I was almost 40 and he was 75. In retrospect, there were other things that came up, we just pretended those things never happened.
I'm sorry for what brings you here. I hope you find some peace.
We didn't have any children, so that wasn't an issue. I dislike psychological jargon so I'll say this: My fiance's / husband's drinking didn't seem excessive because I grew up watching my Dad drink a lot.
Within a year of our marriage, my husband had his first DUI. Some years later, he had a second. Then my Dad at age 75 had a DUI manslaughter charge, for which he was convicted. Dad had been a 'high functioning alcoholic' for God knows how long.
I mention this because I can tell you from experience that heavy drinking can be easily overlooked by people who grow up living around it. Not that it looked normal - I knew Late Husband had a problem, I just thought he'd outgrow it / stress from his divorce / bad habit. And Dad drank a lot - and he never had a problem, until I was almost 40 and he was 75. In retrospect, there were other things that came up, we just pretended those things never happened.
I'm sorry for what brings you here. I hope you find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Some time ago, another SR member posted this in a discussion about functional alcoholics. I thought it was accurate and well said, and I'll share it here:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 21
Is there really hope?
Been with my alcoholic husband for over 30 years. He thinks his commitment starts and ends at work. He isn't a bad man, but feels a sense of entitlement when it comes to his satisfaction, which is drinking. It is very frustrating and I have to wonder where we are headed. I have tried everything but he sits there and has little to say. His main response is that he isn't hurting anything and likes to drink. He thinks I should allow him to be happy, but he never takes OUR relationship into consideration, although I have said I would leave if I could. I have also reminded him of his health--gout and occasional stabbing in his right side, (liver pain?) His doctor told him he was an alcoholic but hubby says doctor isn't being fair and doesn't know. Our sex life has disappeared, and when he does acknowledge me, he is drinking and I am not interested. Why would I be? I have to think he is being selfish and small minded. This is just not the relationship I had hoped and this is not where I thought we would be all these years later. I know I have few options, which are really none, unless I do leave. He is the most stubborn person and will put drinking over me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
Thanks for the tip Farmhouse Gal, and for sharing. I am so sorry that all of you have to go through this, or have had to in the past. I'm glad that his drinking isn't a secret anymore. I have talked to my kids about it and they want to stay here. They are kind of at the point where I was a few years back.I think one thing I'm learning here, and from my own experiences is that I no longer try to stop him from drinking - I finally realize that if I do that, I'm just slowing down the logical consequences. I hope he can stay sober with the Habits Unplugged Program but I can see that he's drinking already to help himself sleep. It's not outrageous mind you, but this is the way it usually goes - quits cold turkey/tries to moderate/drinks more/back to square one. The dui is new though..never thought it would get to that. He has a 3 month grace period from me now, and unless he's completely sober, I expect him to see an addictions counselor then. The kids are my priority so I'm doing what's right for them. He's probably afraid of what a counselor might say to him. Anyway, thought this might help someone as well..on Youtube, there's a lot of free self hypnosis tracks for sleep/anxiety etc. I use Michael Sealey's stuff quite a bit . I started taking an anti anxiety med today as well. Considering going to al-anon, and definitely finding a counselor that has experience with families and addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 65
MMD28 I'm so sorry you're going through that. No one should have to deal with that. You need to take care of yourself. Do you have a support group or close friends that you can talk to? I have found the hypnosis tracks on youtube have given me confidence and inner strength to ask for what I need in my relationship. Luckily, my husband did as I asked and puts in effort, although his drinking is a separate issue. I highly recommend the self-love hypnosis stuff though.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
