Been a Long, Long Time
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Been a Long, Long Time
I can't remember the last time I posted here. I'm guessing it was sometime in January 2019. When I first found this place, it was in January 2012 and my then AGF broke up with me via text, showed me a picture of her new boyfriend, and then gleefully confessed to cheating on me multiple times.
How did I respond to that?
Well, since January 2012, I finished graduate school, have been promoted at work three times (including yesterday), and have been happily married for 2 1/2 years. Eight years ago, I was just trying to survive on a day to day basis and not do anything to make my situation worse. In retrospect, the key decision was deciding to NOT make things worse. My AXGF showed me, once and for all, what she was. And I took her at her word. If anything, I'm grateful for what she did and the cruelty she exhibited while doing it.
Generally speaking, people only get away with what we allow them to get away with. And there are far worse things in this life than not having destructive people in our lives. It doesn't matter how much we love them, or what we do for them. Addicts are, due to their condition, unable to absorb that sort of support. They're going to do whatever it is they do. We can't stop that. And the sooner we accept that, the sooner we regain our freedom and our sanity.
These days, my life is a balancing act between fulfilling my role as a husband with my own professional ambitions. Our biggest personal goal is to move to southwest Florida so I can wear shorts and flip flops all year long. Balancing conflicting goals isn't easy, but it's a heck of a lot better than what my life was like 8 years ago.
For those of you I haven't met on this board and who are going through their own version of hell, I hope you take solace in the hope that things will, if you so choose, get better. Your lives may take a different form than what you want or feel you need, but just because something is different doesn't mean it's inherently bad. When you're ready to put yourself first, that'll be your first step towards a better life. Don't be afraid of the unknown. Don't let the addict you love shackle you to a life of anxiety and endless disappointment and pain. Choose to live your best life. The rest will take care of itself.
How did I respond to that?
Well, since January 2012, I finished graduate school, have been promoted at work three times (including yesterday), and have been happily married for 2 1/2 years. Eight years ago, I was just trying to survive on a day to day basis and not do anything to make my situation worse. In retrospect, the key decision was deciding to NOT make things worse. My AXGF showed me, once and for all, what she was. And I took her at her word. If anything, I'm grateful for what she did and the cruelty she exhibited while doing it.
Generally speaking, people only get away with what we allow them to get away with. And there are far worse things in this life than not having destructive people in our lives. It doesn't matter how much we love them, or what we do for them. Addicts are, due to their condition, unable to absorb that sort of support. They're going to do whatever it is they do. We can't stop that. And the sooner we accept that, the sooner we regain our freedom and our sanity.
These days, my life is a balancing act between fulfilling my role as a husband with my own professional ambitions. Our biggest personal goal is to move to southwest Florida so I can wear shorts and flip flops all year long. Balancing conflicting goals isn't easy, but it's a heck of a lot better than what my life was like 8 years ago.
For those of you I haven't met on this board and who are going through their own version of hell, I hope you take solace in the hope that things will, if you so choose, get better. Your lives may take a different form than what you want or feel you need, but just because something is different doesn't mean it's inherently bad. When you're ready to put yourself first, that'll be your first step towards a better life. Don't be afraid of the unknown. Don't let the addict you love shackle you to a life of anxiety and endless disappointment and pain. Choose to live your best life. The rest will take care of itself.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Zoso! It's good to hear from you, I think of you often! Congratulations on another promotion! Good stuff! I have no doubt that you will eventually end up just as you wish, in shorts and flip flops! Sounds wonderful!
Thank you for the update, take good care!
Thank you for the update, take good care!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Zoso, I watched you grow from the time you first arrived here and you have been an inspiration to everyone going through a relationship breakup.
As painful as it was, you did it with grace and courage and I am so happy that your life is wonderful today.
And...I am green with envy at your plan to live in Florida, I love that state and when they make Florida a part of Canada, I would live there permanently too.
I am so glad you dropped in and updated us all. You worked hard to make life better and just look at how wonderful it all became.
Hugs
As painful as it was, you did it with grace and courage and I am so happy that your life is wonderful today.
And...I am green with envy at your plan to live in Florida, I love that state and when they make Florida a part of Canada, I would live there permanently too.
I am so glad you dropped in and updated us all. You worked hard to make life better and just look at how wonderful it all became.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
Dude, it is SO awesome to see your post today! you've been on my mind. thank you for the update! LOVE the goals!
It's been crazy the past 5 1/2 months. I've been doing a lot of 60 hour weeks since Labor Day. We had a crisis at work on one of the programs I support that required some serious attention. I had back-to-back 64 hour weeks at one point in December. Thankfully, we ameliorated that situation and things are slowly returning to normal. That effort got me a bonus earlier this month.
We leave for Sarasota a week from tomorrow. Frankly, I'm just looking forward to kicking back at the Daiquiri Deck on St. Armand's or The Old Salty Dog on Siesta Key and be on Island Time instead of Professional Time.
It's funny; whenever January comes around, I think of and flash back to what went down that January of 2012. And, yes, it sucked at the time. But I can't imagine where I'd be if I begged her to not dump me and she stuck around. What a disasterbacle that would have been. I wouldn't be where I am. But it does pain me to think there's someone trapped in a similar situation to me and is sticking around for the wrong reasons.
At the same time, everyone's schedule is different. My hope is someone reads this post and my older posts and comes away believing they, too, could have a better life. Not necessarily a life without pain -- pain's a good teacher -- but a life lived on one's own terms and not the terms of a damaged person.
I'll check in more than I have lately. And I hope you're all doing well, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by zoso77
Eight years ago, I was just trying to survive on a day to day basis and not do anything to make my situation worse. In retrospect, the key decision was deciding to NOT make things worse
Glad to hear you are doing so well.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Congrats on your successes sir. Booze was your kryptonite too.
I want to say that I am one of those that quit drinking and didn't find additional material or emotional happiness (e.g. get a cool job/promotion or find love).
So if anyone is wondering why things didn't get super cool when they quit...I can relate.
What I found instead was peace, patience, and kindness in my life. It all emanates from me. My current boss still looks down on me even though he knows that I am a brilliant man. Maybe he resents me because he is still a drunk. My wife still treats me the same whatever that is.
Anyway...
I feel amazing. I do things I have never done. I walk with confidence.
Maybe something amazingly good will happen and you can bet this place will hear about it ASAP.
Until then as always I say thanks to all of you here.
If nothing cool ever happens, or even some terrible horrible stuff happens I am positively sure of one simple fact...
I will never ever drink again. I hate the stuff. Amen.
This place saved my life.
Thanks.
I want to say that I am one of those that quit drinking and didn't find additional material or emotional happiness (e.g. get a cool job/promotion or find love).
So if anyone is wondering why things didn't get super cool when they quit...I can relate.
What I found instead was peace, patience, and kindness in my life. It all emanates from me. My current boss still looks down on me even though he knows that I am a brilliant man. Maybe he resents me because he is still a drunk. My wife still treats me the same whatever that is.
Anyway...
I feel amazing. I do things I have never done. I walk with confidence.
Maybe something amazingly good will happen and you can bet this place will hear about it ASAP.
Until then as always I say thanks to all of you here.
If nothing cool ever happens, or even some terrible horrible stuff happens I am positively sure of one simple fact...
I will never ever drink again. I hate the stuff. Amen.
This place saved my life.
Thanks.
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