Jaundice

Old 02-17-2020, 04:36 PM
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Jaundice

My ex mother in law passed away Thursday and her funeral was today. She was one of those radiant people that brings everyone together. I knew it was going to be hard for my ex AH. He’s in such a bad place right now. His family all know he has problems, but I don’t think they realized the severity until today. At least 15 people pulled me aside to ask about him because he’s so jaundiced. He almost looks green.

I don’t know what to do. Obviously I can’t make him get help. Tried that for years. It ended in divorce. I try to respect that; and his privacy, but all I can think about is having to tell our 6 and 3 year old that he is dead. Do I say something? He can tell me to F@!& off but at least I tried.
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Old 02-17-2020, 04:39 PM
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I'm sorry he is in such a bad way, but surely he must know that?

If you are up to saying something to him, then it can't hurt I suppose, might be a push he needs to get some medical help.
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Old 02-17-2020, 04:44 PM
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He knows. But he’s so depressed that I’m not sure he cares. Communication lines are pretty open. He may not listen but I’m not above talking to him. I may not be his wife anymore but I do love him in a way. I love that his children love him. It’s just so sad to see someone that used to be so vibrant and full of life turn into an empty shell.
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Old 02-17-2020, 05:08 PM
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Yes, it's traumatic.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with commenting, maybe even offering to go to the dr. with him? That's if you are ok with that.
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Old 02-17-2020, 06:09 PM
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I am sorry that he is progressing in this terrible disease. How kind of you to go to your ex-mother-in-laws funeral.

Hugs to you and your kiddos!
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Old 02-17-2020, 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, it's traumatic.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with commenting, maybe even offering to go to the dr. with him? That's if you are ok with that.
^^^^ This is what I was going to say before I read it.
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Old 02-17-2020, 06:23 PM
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please keep in mind:

At least 15 people pulled me aside to ask about him because he’s so jaundiced.

and your exAH is very well aware of the face that looks back at him in the mirror.

i only point this out because we so easily slip into "if i just say the right thing THIS time...." and believe it is our voice alone that must speak.

of course, you are free to say something. but that's as far as your influence goes. it is dreadful and tragic to see the ravages of addiction, especially when the solution is so simple. not easy, but totally attainable. we just can't MAKE anyone CHOSE the solution. which totally blows.
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Old 02-17-2020, 08:07 PM
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People who are depressed and suicidal often tell themselves that their families are better off without them so possibly use the children as motivation for him to seek help? You can sincerely say that they love him and want him in their lives. I wouldn't hold out too much hope with the trauma of his mother's death so recent, but you can only try.
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Old 02-18-2020, 04:55 AM
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I’m sorry to hear of your ex-mother in laws passing. Mine also passed away last year. My AH (separated) used this as one more “reason” to drink, so be prepared for that.

I think by you having a concerned talk with your ex about his alcoholism progression it will, at the least, put your mind at ease a little (for yourself and kids) Having children involved definitely changes our outlook. Your love is coming from a difffrent perspective now. One of concern for him, not only as a parent but a fellow human being too. It sounds as if you are in a good mind set to be able to have this conversation and still maintain your “distance”. As long as you are doing it for your children, and have zero expectations for his actions afterward. It’s a very fine line, staying on your side of the street. IMO when children are involved you may need to tiptoe over, but you need to come right back. As long as your comfortable with it.

Best wishes to you and your children

BTW, have any of these 15 other people ever tried talking to your ex about his drinking?
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Old 02-18-2020, 06:52 AM
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I really feel for you having to see your childrens' father in this state. I hope some of the other 15 people had a word with him too and not just with you.

I hope by talking to you about this, these people are not suggesting it is your responsibility. It is not.

Raising the subject with him can do no harm. It is unlikely to do any good either.

A good friend of my husband's was in a terrible state some years ago. He was jaundiced. He came to live with us (disaster). His wife had paid for him to go to rehab 3 times by this stage. She flew over (at my request) to try and talk him into getting help. She was gentle and loving with him. Then I got his sister to come. She was a bit tougher but still treated him with love and compassion. Everyone was asking him to PLEASE get help. Nothing got through to him.

Eventually my husband marched into the bar one day, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, kicked him up the backside and screamed at him "look at the f@@@ing state of you!! Do you want to die? Why don't you F off out of lives and sort your s@@@ out"

That really shook him up. Within days he was on a plane home. He got clean. It took a few tries but he has now celebrated 10 years clean and sober.

I don't know if this story is at all relevant. In my friend's case all the sympathy and compassion in the world did not help. Treating him the way he was treating himself seemed to be what worked, for him.

PS I am not condoning violence or agression. This is a true story and possibly a little bit extreme.

As they say in Al anon, take what you like and leave the rest
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Old 02-18-2020, 12:05 PM
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I am very sorry for your loss.

I think if people pull you aside I personally would encourage THEM to talk to him. They can see for themselves the situation, and it would be pointed out to him that people are concerned.

I think there is no harm if you feel so inclined to do so yourself.

Sending you a hug, it's a hard situation.
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Old 02-18-2020, 04:03 PM
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I know this will sound crazy but my very best friend on this earth passed from liver failure in 2003. She did not see the color change. She had no idea that her beautiful blue eyes looked like they were swimming in yellow food coloring. She started vomiting blood one day and 28 days later, she was gone. She was 2 weeks sober when she collapsed in her bathroom. She had filed for divorce form her abusive husband, gotten a new job and was about to move into her own apartment...she didn't believe that alcohol could be killing her if she wasn't drinking it but the damage was done. She was 43.
I remember the color more than anything else...her blue, blue eyes.
If you are open to it, I agree with the others that commenting on it cannot hurt. Have the courage for him where he cannot find it for himself. If he gets mad about it, so be it. At least you can live with yourself.
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Old 02-19-2020, 04:15 AM
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I'm sorry for your loss. This post brings back very sad memories for me as it happened to my best friend. He did not live near me and we didn't see each other as often anymore so I didn't know about the jaundice. Many people told him to get help. I guess he gave up, and he passed away. I have never made sense of it and it haunts me. I know he too was depressed and unhappy with life. I view it all as a suicide. He was working on the road, felt bad, went home and died within 5 days. And he had distanced himself from me for 3 months prior, while I was fighting cancer. Now I know why.

I also don't think it would hurt to talk to you ex. You won't have regrets in the end if the worst thing happens. But he needs to want to live first and foremost. Hopefully his children will give him that spark to want to live.

Oddsunflower, I'm so sorry for your loss. It brought me to tears.
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Old 02-23-2020, 08:05 AM
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Well....things got worse. I finally got my ex AH to agree to go to the ER. But by this point I was unable to even get him there myself. I had to call an ambulance. He was taken to our local ER flown out to a larger hospital with a transplant center. He is ICU today. His prognosis is very poor. Acute liver failure and a GI bleed. The likelihood of transplant is obviously very low. I feel like this isn’t even real. I ever imagined there would be a time when I may have to tell our children that their father is dying.
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Old 02-23-2020, 10:16 AM
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Hi Renee, it was very good of you to step in.

Well, you did what you could and I'm really sorry for this outcome.

You know the thing with alcoholism (and I'm sure you are very familiar with this) is not just the drinking, imo. Alcoholics tend to take very poor care of themselves in general, many have malnutrition, imagine having malnutrition in countries with so much food available. Poor eating habits, when they bother to eat at all, sleep is scarce etc etc.

Until they change their mindset about alcohol I honestly believe we have very little to no impact on that at all.

I really hope he can come back from this, try to keep good thoughts, reach out for support (from us and wherever you can get it!). Remember to focus on your own wellbeing.
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Old 02-23-2020, 12:34 PM
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renee so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts
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Old 02-23-2020, 12:45 PM
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I am so sorry to hear this also. What an awful situation to be in. My thoughts are with you and your children.
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Old 02-24-2020, 07:59 PM
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Today the ICU nurse asked him the usual “what’s your name?, what’s your birthday?” And he gave the answers as he has been. But then she asked him if he knew who I was. He didn’t. She asked him my name. He said his.

I wasn’t prepared for how that made me feel. I don’t think anything has ever hurt me more than him looking into my eyes and seeing a stranger. I could see it on his face. He isn’t my husband anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him. He would have still been my husband had he not made the choices he did. I know there are reasons he’s confused. But ouch. That one really hurt.
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Old 02-24-2020, 08:10 PM
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I'm so sorry, such a sad, sad situation.
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Old 02-24-2020, 09:04 PM
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I am so sorry, Reneevc.
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