mikoss

I don't know where to start or what to say.

Just need help and advice and thought I would come here.

The struggle to get better is a sad and lonely one and I am just in a desperate situation to recover and get better.

D122y

I learned here that for me most of the sad and lonely feelings were amplified by drinking.

It is brain damage that is irreversible. My brain had to rewire.

Once the damage is done, each relapse takes me deeper and deeper into mental anguish. This is scientifically referred to as insanity. Drinking the way I chose to leads to certified insanity.

It took about 4 years to start to be awesome at life again. When i was under the influence, I was living in a fantasy world.

Time and suffering were my way out. Exercise at the gym and therapy here at sr were my go to moves.

Helping folks helps me.

Thanks.

fini

welcome, mikoss.
have you stopped drinking yet or is that still part of the desperate situation?
i am asking because nothing can really get better until we stop. but after we do, the possibilities open.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/5686103-post1.html (It Gets Better)

the link is to a great thread called “it gets better”.

hope you will stick around and experience it for yourself.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Mikoss

I've loved SR the moment I've found it - it felt great to know I was among people who understood and cared.

SR helped me change my life - I'm sure you'll find the same

D

Kjma

From my short time on this site, I can assure you that you've made a powerful move in a positive direction. It has helped me to post each and every time I've been tempted to drink. When I post, I feel the tension leave me because I feel heard and understood and supported. You won't regret this choice.

mikoss

Thank you very much, at least I know I am not alone.

So far I am about 24 hours since my last drink, and to tell you the truth it sucks. I feel so bad.

I hit the breaking point last night. Miserable, crying, shaking, nervous, anxious, not able to sleep, just a complete wreck.

I have been a drinker on and off for years but the past year it got worse. Much worse. I don't know if I would be considered an alcoholic but I probably am. I average about a minimum of half of liter of liquor a day. Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, scotch, bourbon, and I drank it straight all day and every day.

I am not a social drinker. I like to drink alone and away from people and if I drink with other people it is only close friends.

And cocaine is my other vice. I never imagined it would be a problem but it just got to be more and more. Then I give it up and doing it again and give it up and back again like a rollercoaster.

I know this all sounds bad but it is the truth.

It got so bad that at work I couldn't make it more than an hour without sneaking for a drink and a hit of coke to make myself feel normal or at least some sense of calmness. I eventually was terminated from my work for other reasons but the alcohol and coke sure didn't help my condition.

And the sad part of it was that when I was terminated I felt relieved that day that I could finally go home early and drink and go do as many lines of coke as I wanted and feel good and drink as many glasses of whiskey as I wanted and not have to deal with my job anymore that was incredibly stressful and a lot of responsibility and I was on edge with my work every day. I know that sounds awful but it is the truth. I would wake up in the morning shaking and throwing up just from the stress and anxiety of going to work.

I finally cut down on it then went back to it and gave up alcohol for a month. I got on a healthy diet and was actually able to give up the alcohol somehow even though it was very hard. The coke was a different story but I cut down on that as well.

But recently I relapsed. It started with a friend and drinking and more cocaine again. I felt so bad from the alcohol and coke the next day and said never again. Days went by and there I was again drinking and doing more coke. Then I said okay no more. I will quit just not today, next week I will stop all of this nonsense.

And recently I partied with a few friends and just drank too much and did a lot of cocaine. I felt so terrible and so bad that I didn't know how I would make it. The comedown and withdrawal is so horrible.

The guilt, shame, anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, shaking, so many things at once. I was so bad I had to have a drink and there I was again in bed with a drink in my hand and I said okay just a little more coke and a drink and I will be fine crying and just saying please just let me make it through this.

So here I am 24 hours without a drink and cocaine and I feel so sick and scared and lonely just trying to make it.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety and I guess I self medicate with alcohol and cocaine but this is not a life I want to lead in the future and all I want is to get past this addiction and live a happy and healthy and normal life.

So here I am just to get any advice from anyone that has been through this or understands this disease of addiction.

DaisyBelle7

Welcome! I just joined last month and have found a great deal of support, so you are in the right place. Also, don’t worry about sharing as much as you want. No one here will judge you. Do you have a plan in place for how you’ll remain clean & sober? I lost track of how many times I tried to quit drinking. It finally seems like it’s sticking because I’ve reached out for help (family, SR, AA), and I have a plan moving forward. Congrats on your first 24, by the way. It’s not easy, but you did it!

mikoss

Thank you all so very much for all of the helpful advice and I am glad to be here.

I have a friend who I speak to that is a recovering alcoholic and he said to me that this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life and it sounds scary. That no matter if I quit and get better that the chance of relapsing will always be there.

I guess what I mean is I am just scared of the future. I tried eating a healthy diet, I quit drinking for a month, gave up the cocaine except for only one day a week or just small amounts, I tried being around friends that would not influence me to drink or do coke, and basically became a recluse in my house. But the depression and anxiety was still there even though I was eating very healthy and drinking lots of fluids.

But my last intake of alcohol and cocaine was very recent and I drank to much and did too much. Thankfully I am starting to feel a little better but I guess this time around I have to try harder.

At this point I am willing to try anything. Yoga, meditation, therapy, counseling, group meetings, I just don't know anymore. So I decided to come here and meet other people going through this or recovering from this and I am so glad that this forum is available since I feel so ashamed and scared that I cannot speak to anyone I know about this for fear of being judged or what friends will think of me. And I definitely cannot speak to family about it since they would never understand. I am so grateful that at least this forum is available.

I never in a million years thought I would end up an alcoholic and cocaine addict. But here I am and just trying to hopefully make it one day at a time. All I can think of right now is to grab a bottle and pour a drink and just do a little bit of coke but I am just trying to use my willpower to not do that and get sober.

HeadEast

You are in a group that will never judge you. We have all been there in one way or another. Stopping is hard! Willpower only goes so far and there are many resources on this site to help you. None of us ever thought we would be an alcoholic, but here we are. Welcome!

mikoss

Hi Daisy, thank you so much.

Well, at this point Daisy I am not sure of a plan yet. My close friends have told me that I need rehab but it really scares me. The thought of being in a place away from home scares me.

The last time I quit drinking for a month was shortly after I drank heavily and did a lot of cocaine with a friend. A close friend of mine threatened me with rehab. It scared me so I said I would do it on my own. I managed to do it the day after that horrible day of my friend and I going through a lot of vodka and a lot of cocaine.

Then for some crazy stupid reason I said to myself okay I think I have a handle on this. I can manage alcohol with no problem. I went to a store that night after an incredibly stressful day. Now that I remember there was cocaine involved with a friend that day but it was a small amount that I didn't even think or care about it much. So I went into the grocery store and said to myself how about I just try to drink some good wine with a nice steak and take it easy and it's only wine and I can manage it. That didn't happen. One glass turned into two glasses which turned into more wine and when I finished the bottle of wine I grabbed a bottle of cognac and said I needed something stronger and everything went downhill from there and I started drinking again.

I feel like I can't just have one drink and it just escalates and so I have to stop all alcohol altogether.

And I don't want to do anymore cocaine because it makes me want to drink more and then more drinking makes me want to do more cocaine and that is how it starts again.

FeelingGreat

hi Mikoss, congratulations on finding help to become sober and clean. If you gave up in the past, then relapsed, having support can make all the difference. You say early on that you're not sure if you can be called an alcoholic, but drinking during the day, longing for a drink and relapses against your will are pretty good signs you have a problem. Not that you need telling, as it is interfering with many aspects of your life.

Willpower alone rarely works (we call that 'white-knuckling') unless you have some support and belief that you must never ever drink or drug again. You've done really well to cut your cocaine use down to once a week, but while you keep using at all, you are just topping up your brain's addiction centres. Same with drinking. You will need to get used to the idea that you never use or drink again. This can be both scary and liberating.

I used to drink way too much for my health. Stopping was 'easy' once I got to the stage where I had convinced myself it had to be done. I found dividing the time into smaller goals, 6 weeks, 6 months, 1 year made it much easier. I also found support from my doctor and some friends I told. By the time a year had passed I was so much happier and healthier I just kept going.

Your ideas about yoga, meditation and other activities are spot on. Don't just think about it, give it a try.

Can I suggest you talk to your doctor about your wish to become sober? Also there is support out there like AA, and NA, maybe counsellors.

Keep posting on SR for the best support ever. I'm pretty sure it's kept me on the straight and narrow.

dpac414

You're in the right place. Glad you found us.

Throw yourself into recovery fully. Read around here, see what others have done, create a plan or program that works for you, and stick to it. The days add up. I know "the rest of your life" sounds scary now, but just focus on the here and now. One day, one moment at a time. Soon, you'll start building the life you want and deserve.

I would also recommend seeing a doctor, or strongly considering doing a medically supervised detox, especially if you were an all day drinker. Withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous, so please seek help if you need it.

Most importantly, keep posting. There's always hope.

mikoss

Thanks FeelingGreat, that is all very helpful advice.

Yes, I definitely have a drinking problem. It just slowly got worse and worse over time. And at work when I had my job I would put vodka in a little flask and had my little cocaine sniffer bottle that would load a hit for me fast and easy and there I would be sneaking off in hiding places at work taking a shot from my flask and doing coke just to get relief from the stress of it all. It was bad.

And then it all got worse after being terminated from my job now that I had more time at home to purse my vices without having to sneak around.

Until I finally hit bottom after that day where I had way too much vodka and cocaine with a friend and said no more I am done and I stopped the drinking for a month after that. I started drinking healthy teas, cut down on sugar intake, I ate salads with good vegetables low on the glycemic scale, avoided carbohydrates like grains, bread and rice and fruits due to the sugar, and I ate foods high in good saturated fats like meats, cheese, yogurt, etc. But the willpower can only go so far. And even though I was eating healthy and stopped the alcohol and cut significantly down on cocaine I was miserable. It seemed like the depression and anxiety got worse. I was sleeping and waking up better but the depression and anxiety was bad. It still is but thankfully it comes and goes. Parts of the day I am so depressed and anxious I feel like crying for hours and some parts of the day I am okay.

And this is where the cocaine use came back. When I feel depressed or anxious I would do just a little coke and make it all go away and feel better for just a little while. So I cut back on it and started taking antidepressant and antianxiety meds to help with the anxiety and depression and just limit my cocaine use. It is a drug called trazadone hydrochloride. They say it helps for insomnia and depression and anxiety and for people recovering from alcohol addiction. So I was taking those and it was helping some but those made me incredibly sleepy and drowsy all day so I cut back on those and was back to doing cocaine instead but in small doses and limited amounts.

And now without my health insurance since I was terminated from my job my options of a doctor and treatment are very limited unless I guess I just pay out of pocket.

So now I don't know what to do. I don't want to drink or do coke and just hope I can just quit it all and get some help or just stick to recovering and not relapse.

There are some meetings they have locally here for recovering alcoholics or people quitting alcohol but I have never been to those. My friend who is a recovering alcoholic told me that I only need to go to those meetings if I have a very serious drinking problem but I am sure that yes I have a very serious problem.

I can say that I have never drank to the point where I would pass out or drink to the point where I could not walk or falling down but I drank enough to where I was intoxicated. And the cocaine was certainly not helping and only fueling the drinking.

Right now I just don't have a definite plan except to just try to stop all of this and get on a path to recovery.

mikoss

Thank you dpac, yes I have considered a doctor.

I have heard that stopping alcohol can be dangerous without medical supervision. I have never been to a medical clinic or rehabilitation before and it is scary to me.

My friend told me that rehab is not all too bad and that I can even make friends there and that it is like summer camp or like being in the military but without being yelled at. But I don't know because I have never been to a rehab facility so I have no idea what it is like.

I figured since I quit once I can do it again but I just have to try harder.

A close friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic told me that he quit drinking for several years. That alcohol was no longer a part of his life. I recently spoke with him and said he relapsed and drank heavily and was very intoxicated and woke up feeling very ill. And this is what scares me. That even though I can quit alcohol and cocaine the threat and fear of relapse will always be there.

Even that same friend told me that I will always live with this forever. That every day will be a battle but the longer I stop and am clean and sober that the easier it gets and the better I will feel. But that I will always have the threat of relapse and going back to addiction looking over me but it will just be something I will always have to deal with.

dpac414

I of course can't guarantee this, but at least for me, the fear of relapse is far in the back of my mind these days. I still actively work a recovery plan, but it's much easier to look at the future without the proverbial relapse cloud hanging over my head.

With more sober time, you realize that you truly have a choice over drinking. You understand that thoughts are just thoughts, and you don't have to act on them. That sounds simple and obvious, but it was a true turning point for me when I came to that conclusion. The only one who can make you drink is yourself, and the idea of recovery is to build a life you love that doesn't need alcohol in it. And when you have a fleeting thought of a drink down the road, it's easy to acknowledge and dismiss.

Regardless, I don't think you should worry about that right now. I would keep your head down and put one foot in front of the other, with sobriety as your main focus. If you are willing to try anything to stay sober, you will make it happen. Be it rehab, AA, SR, exercise, hobbies, or all of the above. Recovery plans look different for everyone, but sobriety is the same - don't drink, and your life is likely to get better.

Also as a quick edit: I definitely don't believe fear should guide the way we live our lives, but I would much rather be sober and afraid of relapse than be actively drinking myself to death. If I have a monkey on my back for the rest of my life but I'm sober, then it's a small price to pay.

mikoss

Thank you so much dpac, it is nice to have people to talk to here.

Yes, I agree that recovery plans can be different for everyone. That friend that I spoke to recently who is a recovering alcoholic told me that he recently relapsed after several years of being sober. I don't know how it happened or the situation but he said he drank and drank and drank that day after years of being sober. He told me he woke up with a horrible headache and very ill and it just happened. For a while he said his friends have tried to get him to drink again and I was thinking to myself what kind of friends would encourage him to drink again knowing he is a recovering alcoholic and even telling them that. Parties he has been to he said with friends just trying to get him to have a drink with them. But he did relapse very recently this week and told me that alcohol is just not for him and that alcohol is just bad.

And speaking of friends when I look at it I don't have any friends that don't drink and do cocaine. All of my close friends drink and do cocaine and it is just so sad. Some do more than others but it sure does not help me to be around that which is why when I was able to quit drinking the first time I tried to not hang around these friends. It worked for some time isolating myself but there I was recently the past weeks somehow being around them and everything just went downhill from there.

But the friend of mine that recently relapsed told me that when he quit drinking he just isolated himself from everyone and for a week he stayed in his house and didn't hang out with friends or anyone in order to quit drinking which is what I did and it helped me until my recent relapse.

Now I just have to really try harder and stay away from all of my friends that drink and do coke and try and keep my depression and anxiety under control.

mikoss

Yes dpac, I certainly agree that I would rather have that monkey on my back of the possibility of relapse than to keep on drinking.

And maybe I need to consider some meditation or yoga and exercise along with a good diet and lots of fluids to help with my recovery.

I read that some of the keys to self recovery are being in a quite place, having very calm lighting, not going out in public too much for at least the first weeks of recovery to limit any stress and to help ease recovery, and eating healthy with lots of fluids, and of course being around a positive environment like here and being able to talk to people going through the same or similar situations.

I even thought about adopting a cat to maybe help with my anxiety and depression and help me be more calm and help me recover. I have heard that cats soothe and calm people because of their nature of being relaxed and calm natured.

Right now I am not eating too healthy but eating a lot and then I can get back on a healthy diet. The strange thing is how I feel so incredibly hungry after being off of any alcohol and cocaine for about 29 hours so far. I am eating like crazy. But I guess I would rather eat than drink or do cocaine.

But speaking of recovery and what you mentioned about relapse and the fear of relapse, I remember reading a very inspiring book. It is the autobiography of Eric Clapton, the guitar player. And in that book he talks a lot about alcohol and drug addiction and recovery. He was an alcoholic and heavy cocaine user among other things like Valium and heroin before his cocaine use that he got recovery from. And he talked about how he would sit alone with a bottle of vodka and a gram of cocaine and a shotgun contemplating suicide and how he never would commit suicide because if he was dead then he couldn't drink anymore and he loved drinking so much that it is what he lived for every day during his times of very heavy alcohol use drinking bottles and bottles of liquor daily along with other drugs including cocaine and prescription pills and so forth. And then when he talked about going to rehab he said that the fear of recovery was not so much the recovery itself even though he said rehab terrified him when he went there, but the fact of not ever being able to have a drink again.

And I think that is what scares me too. Just the thought of will I ever be able to have a drink again without losing control. Just the thought of not being able to have a drink seems scary to me just like Eric Clapton said. Even though I know alcohol is bad for the body and what it does to the central nervous system and the heart and liver and kidneys and everything. And I keep saying never again and this is the last time and I always go back to it.

But at the same time I would rather have a life of sobriety than keep drinking. It is like my friend that recently relapsed told me to make a list of everything positive that has come from drinking alcohol and doing cocaine. And then make a list of everything negative that has happed from drinking alcohol and doing cocaine. And the list of negative far outweighs the positive or I really can't think of anything positive from drinking alcohol and doing cocaine except it made me feel good and was a good escape and helped me medicate if that can even be considered a positive thing.

But thankfully I am here and hopefully I can finally recover and do it this time and make it longer than a month. Like you said, one day at a time and take baby steps and set small goals instead of worrying too much about the distant future and think more about now and making small goals a little at a time.

Dee74

EC not only recovered and survived - he thrived

He puts on regular Crossroads concerts to raise money to help others achieve recovery.

There are many of us who would understand that point EC was at - not wanting to drink, but terrified of not drinking.

Many of us here have been at the point of despair.

If we can recover, you can too Mikoss

mikoss

Hi Dee74, yes it is wonderful just how Eric Clapton was able to recover and even thrive like you said. So much he said about how recovery and rehabilitation saved his life that he started his rehab center Crossroads in Antigua and like you said does his tours to help raise money for recovery and rehabilitation.

Just some of the stories in that autobiography are chilling and depressing and sad but inspiring at the same time about how he was able to recover and get help.

I remember him saying in that book about how once he was so intoxicated from so much alcohol that he couldn't even stand up and performed on stage laying down and thought that it was fine because at least he showed up and performed than to not show up at all and performed on stage laying down because of so much alcohol he consumed.

And the days he would spend at home just wanting to be alone with his wife at the time and just watch movies and drink bottle after bottle of liquor and do lots of cocaine and just binge.

Which I can relate to because many times I loved doing the same thing. Just being home and watching movies and having bottles of booze everywhere and pouring glasses of my favorite whiskey and a mirror with a pile of cocaine and razor blade doing lines all night and drinking and watching my favorite shows on TV and movies. And I would think how wonderful it was and loving it and feeling so nice and good. And then pay the price from the withdrawal and comedown and there I go doing it again just to feel normal and cope with the feelings that come after.

But the one thing I remember reading about was when he said how he feared not being able to have a drink again if he got help and recovered. When he was so close to death from drinking and substance addiction.

And he talked about how when he arrived at the rehab and was so scared and terrified because the rehab looked like a maximum security prison and thought to himself no wonder Elvis took one look at it and told his limo driver to take off because Elvis was so scared of the way it looked.

But some of the positive things I remember reading was after being in rehab for I think 10 days he finally got to enjoy it and make friends and pass the coffee pot around drinking coffee and talking to people sharing stories and said he was finally able to laugh for the first time in years and I thought wow how sad he lived this way for a long time not being able to laugh for a long time and for the first time in recovery was able to talk to people and tell stories and laugh for the first time in years like he said. When at first he said it was terrifying and all he wanted to do was to find a way to get out as quick as possible even if he had to tell the doctors what they wanted to hear just to get out fast.

I have the book here I just need to find it and maybe read it again but it was a very sad but very inspiring book and yes like you said if people here and even Eric Clapton can recover from addiction then we all can.

Reid82

Welcome