So my plan was I was gonna take stuff out slowly and then leave. But today has proved that I can no longer live in this house with him. I am just so miserable. Monday when he leaves I’m gonna pack up as much as I can get in my car and take it to my parents house. I can’t do it anymore. He’s a terrible terrible drunk.

I tried I really did. I think if someone would of took my blood pressure today it would of been in stroke levels. I’m calm now and in the bed. He’s of course passed out on the couch. I’ve told my mom I’m coming Monday. And I will tell him after the fact. I don’t feel safe telling him before. I gotta get things in order tomorrow and Me and the kids are out Monday.

I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe I have stayed here while it’s been this bad. I don’t know who I am. It’s like I am a totally different person. He has cause so much damage to me mentally. Which I’m sure has wreaked havoc on my body because of stress.

I have to stay strong. I read a quote today that said strength is removing your kids from a toxic environment not learning to living with it for the sake of the kids. And it really hit me. I am a strong woman. And I can do this. And I am gonna do this. I am not going through another weekend of this mess. I can’t and my kids can’t

Clowery
I feel for you. I know that feeling. When you know you know.

Anger can be a good thing, for short term use. Use it to help propel you forward. I had to hang on to my anger, far past when the drinking was over and things went back to “normal” It pushed me to do what I for some reason couldn’t do without it. But if I remembered those feelings and hurt and got angry, that was something I could use to force myself to take action. Now I’m learning how to let that anger go (slowly) I hope that makes sense? I was thinking this reading your last post. I never want to say leave, go, get out of there. That always has to be “your” choice. Your AH’s chaos really sounds like it’s taken a toll on you. It sounds as though, for your own well being (mentally and physically) and kids, you have no other option.

You are strong, you can do this (((Hugs)))

I have this snapshotted to my phone. I read it as a codependent

The most painful thing
is loosing yourself
in the process
of loving someone to much

And forgetting that
you are special too

(Ernest Hemingway)

i have had my own accounts set up for a while now. And I have a p o box set up. Just have to change some accounts to that P.O. Box. We have always kept our money separate. But our names are on each other’s accounts. The way we have always divided the bills is he pays all utilities and anything big because of course my little job can’t pay for things like that. And I pay for groceries. I make more money this time of year because of tax season. I work a lot more hours and do a lot more until it’s over. So I am putting back as much as I can right now. I have all my documents in a folder in the trunk of my car. Have had them there for months. Just don’t have our clothes and everyday things. Which I know I can grab quick. I’ve did that to. I have things I have collected through the years and my pictures and things. And I know this sounds petty. But I have things in the attic like my Christmas decorations and things that mean something to me. That I know he doesn’t care about. But would definitely keep from me because he knows what they mean to me. But it’s really important to me. So im gonna try and get those in my car tomorrow.

gosh I’m so scared. I think I’m gonna have a panic attack. I woke up many times last night with my heart racing worrying about this. I hope I can be strong.