The marriage always felt broken but fixable, but now it feels totaled
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Join Date: May 2014
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The marriage always felt broken but fixable, but now it feels totaled
Hey,
Not to much back story but---
I've never really felt like this before about my marriage-- of course I've dreamed he could change and we could fix what had been damaged and move on.
I feel like I'm a great person, and I have a lot to give, and it's stressing me out and making me lose who I am, and it's damaging to the kids, so why not just end it and move on. I know that all of his "blame' he puts on me, my family, and even the kids is inaccurate and I KNOW it's not 100% real, but if all of us in his life this way help him hurt himself, then, maybe it'd just be healthier for everyone?
Are there any books out there that teach you how to love your spouse again?All books seem geared on getting your spouse to love you again... and that's not what I'm concerned about right now. And is it even a good idea? Right now, by creating the distance, i feel like I can approach the situation with logic vs. emotion. I saw his mistreatment of me, but that crazy little thing called love still blinded me. I guess I'm looking for the emotion for if we decide to go all in and work this thing. If not, I guess it's good to keep emotions out.
Not to much back story but---
I've never really felt like this before about my marriage-- of course I've dreamed he could change and we could fix what had been damaged and move on.
I feel like I'm a great person, and I have a lot to give, and it's stressing me out and making me lose who I am, and it's damaging to the kids, so why not just end it and move on. I know that all of his "blame' he puts on me, my family, and even the kids is inaccurate and I KNOW it's not 100% real, but if all of us in his life this way help him hurt himself, then, maybe it'd just be healthier for everyone?
Are there any books out there that teach you how to love your spouse again?All books seem geared on getting your spouse to love you again... and that's not what I'm concerned about right now. And is it even a good idea? Right now, by creating the distance, i feel like I can approach the situation with logic vs. emotion. I saw his mistreatment of me, but that crazy little thing called love still blinded me. I guess I'm looking for the emotion for if we decide to go all in and work this thing. If not, I guess it's good to keep emotions out.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,630
Hi JamieLee and welcome.
I agree it's best to keep emotions out. I know of no book that teaches you how to love someone that is abusive towards you and your children (from what you wrote about the blame, I assume he is verbally abusive).
Why would you want to read that book anyway?
This isn't about you, it's about his poor treatment of you correct? That's not your problem that's his problem and one he should address, but he won't until he is ready to.
Is he still drinking?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
I'm glad you found SR, have you been reading around the forum?
I agree it's best to keep emotions out. I know of no book that teaches you how to love someone that is abusive towards you and your children (from what you wrote about the blame, I assume he is verbally abusive).
Why would you want to read that book anyway?
This isn't about you, it's about his poor treatment of you correct? That's not your problem that's his problem and one he should address, but he won't until he is ready to.
Is he still drinking?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
I'm glad you found SR, have you been reading around the forum?
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 25
Hey,
thanks, nope haven't done much reading here,
yes I think he is verbally abusive and that's why i can see how mean he is to me now that I can unemotionally look at the picture.
I'm just done right now-- We got a puppy last October and now I'm realizing, wait, this is me and I love me. Anyways, he's drinking again, and the blame always falls on my actions to be a part of the marriage when he's not drinking. And, I can look back 11 years and see where he felt hurt about my inaction to do something as a newly married couple, but, then alcohol addiction raises it's ugly head and that kind of throws everything out of whack. When he was sober, I felt like he was a dry drunk and an irritable pain and a real negative nancy and debbie downer. I'm a happy go lucky person, but all the negativity is just a drain!
I feel like his attitude about problems is so juvenile and i recognize that I'm beginning to grow out of them (for instance-- any problem that you try to solve he can find a way it can't work. I remember being that way in graduate school/ early marriage. i remember my dad trying to help me with problems and you'd just be devastated there was no solution, now I'm a parent and I see that the only thing stopping anything is me)
I do feel like that removed from relationship me is better able and more positive about the outcome of solving the problem, like my own brain has cleared. But the guilt can creep back when you try to have discussions with them and they state they're sad you feel that way now.
I feel like he needs a complete 180 change.... he can't see that.
thanks, nope haven't done much reading here,
yes I think he is verbally abusive and that's why i can see how mean he is to me now that I can unemotionally look at the picture.
I'm just done right now-- We got a puppy last October and now I'm realizing, wait, this is me and I love me. Anyways, he's drinking again, and the blame always falls on my actions to be a part of the marriage when he's not drinking. And, I can look back 11 years and see where he felt hurt about my inaction to do something as a newly married couple, but, then alcohol addiction raises it's ugly head and that kind of throws everything out of whack. When he was sober, I felt like he was a dry drunk and an irritable pain and a real negative nancy and debbie downer. I'm a happy go lucky person, but all the negativity is just a drain!
I feel like his attitude about problems is so juvenile and i recognize that I'm beginning to grow out of them (for instance-- any problem that you try to solve he can find a way it can't work. I remember being that way in graduate school/ early marriage. i remember my dad trying to help me with problems and you'd just be devastated there was no solution, now I'm a parent and I see that the only thing stopping anything is me)
I do feel like that removed from relationship me is better able and more positive about the outcome of solving the problem, like my own brain has cleared. But the guilt can creep back when you try to have discussions with them and they state they're sad you feel that way now.
I feel like he needs a complete 180 change.... he can't see that.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Welcome, JamieLee.
I don't think you can learn that stuff from a book. There are stories from people whose partners addressed their addiction and worked together to rebuild their lives. It takes time and commitment.
I don't think its easy to fall back in love with someone who is always blaming you, not acknowledging your needs and valuing you.
I don't think you can learn that stuff from a book. There are stories from people whose partners addressed their addiction and worked together to rebuild their lives. It takes time and commitment.
I don't think its easy to fall back in love with someone who is always blaming you, not acknowledging your needs and valuing you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Closing emotionally to someone who is abusive is a healthy response.
Exposing yourself to abuse, on the other hand, is not healthy.
Take care of you, because you can be certain the alcoholic will take care of themselves, their addiction, and maybe after that think about you.
You need to be your own (and the puppy's ) best advocate.
Exposing yourself to abuse, on the other hand, is not healthy.
Take care of you, because you can be certain the alcoholic will take care of themselves, their addiction, and maybe after that think about you.
You need to be your own (and the puppy's ) best advocate.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
What if, rather than trying to control the way you feel in the future, you simply honored what you feel right now and act accordingly?
But yeah, I get that-- I'm seeing, wait, this isn't fair regardless of how you try to paint it. Your shifting blame of everything, even going to the dentist, he can't go, he doesn't have time, it's my fault he drives so far to work, why do i get to go? well, listen bud, I took 3 small children with me so I could go-- I'm sure it looks crazy when we show up-- but it doesn't matter, i do what i need to do--
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Closing emotionally to someone who is abusive is a healthy response.
Exposing yourself to abuse, on the other hand, is not healthy.
Take care of you, because you can be certain the alcoholic will take care of themselves, their addiction, and maybe after that think about you.
You need to be your own (and the puppy's ) best advocate.
Exposing yourself to abuse, on the other hand, is not healthy.
Take care of you, because you can be certain the alcoholic will take care of themselves, their addiction, and maybe after that think about you.
You need to be your own (and the puppy's ) best advocate.
wow, good advice
he most definately will "take care" of his addiction-- I think that's why he tells me so many mean things but hasn't left even though I've told him to!! I'm used to doing everything around the house and I'm okay with that-- and I don't work full time but I have a PharmD degree so when I can turn my PRN work to full time I'm not untalented. He is comfortable doing nothing except go to work, come home and drink and play video games. And if we separate, it will be hard for him to find someone else who enjoys that routine for him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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JamieLee….In my first marriage, I found that I could not continue to tolerate the constant stream of criticisms and put-downs. I finally lost that "loving feeling", and I wanted to be in a happy relationship soooo bad!
So, I divorced him and I took our three young children (he had all of the visitation that he desired).
My children are adults, now, and it is a decision that I have never regretted. Neither do the children, that I am very close to. They recognize that their dad is just a jerk.
*****Get this----He wasn't even an alcoholic!!!!
So, I divorced him and I took our three young children (he had all of the visitation that he desired).
My children are adults, now, and it is a decision that I have never regretted. Neither do the children, that I am very close to. They recognize that their dad is just a jerk.
*****Get this----He wasn't even an alcoholic!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JamieLee….the following link is to an old classic song that reminds me, somewhat, of your post.
In my experience with my own relationships, is, that, once the "loving feeling" is gone....it never really returns.....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...=en-US&plvar=0
In my experience with my own relationships, is, that, once the "loving feeling" is gone....it never really returns.....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...=en-US&plvar=0
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by dandylion
JamieLee….In my first marriage, I found that I could not continue to tolerate the constant stream of criticisms and put-downs. I finally lost that "loving feeling", and I wanted to be in a happy relationship soooo bad!
So, I divorced him and I took our three young children (he had all of the visitation that he desired).
My children are adults, now, and it is a decision that I have never regretted. Neither do the children, that I am very close to. They recognize that their dad is just a jerk.
*****Get this----He wasn't even an alcoholic!!!!
So, I divorced him and I took our three young children (he had all of the visitation that he desired).
My children are adults, now, and it is a decision that I have never regretted. Neither do the children, that I am very close to. They recognize that their dad is just a jerk.
*****Get this----He wasn't even an alcoholic!!!!
It's such a confusing situation, I was bitter/angry at him, then I realized, I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at me, he seems to think he's the only one who can be stressed out, i told him, "I'm stressed out and it's my fault." Now I'm just angry at his behavior and either want it to stop forever or leave. And I do realize that if it's getting worse after 12 years, forever is going to need maybe more than I can handle....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Verbal abuse is a different thing than addiction and won’t magically stop even if he quits drinking forever today.
Your eight year old child deserves to grow up in a peaceful and positive environment and seems almost to be asking for that, doesn’t she?
You and your child deserve that. What small steps can you take today to begin to create a better future for both of you?
Your eight year old child deserves to grow up in a peaceful and positive environment and seems almost to be asking for that, doesn’t she?
You and your child deserve that. What small steps can you take today to begin to create a better future for both of you?
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
What small steps can you take today to begin to create a better future for both of you?
So, I have thought about just going to a hotel when he decides to drink, and then I can take care of the animals, leave, and come back next morning and he will maybe then take it seriously to leave. But sometimes I need to be at home when he's going to do it, like a school project or working early the next day.
I'm really not wanting to get him a legal record. I've told him I think it would be best to settle things amicably and not pay lawyers a bunch. But, he doesn't take me seriously.
What is my next move?
Right now my stress levels are just through the roof-- whenever I hash out the circumstances with a friends or by myself I can see an answer. But whenever there's an argument between us, it's just a total mind warp- I don't have responses for how evil he thinks me and my family are.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,630
The next step is to get out of there or force him to move. Is there any way you can stay with your parents for a while so that you would still have access to the animals?
Is your house jointly owned, owned by you or your parents?
I would suggest you speak with a lawyer and state what you have just stated. Many offer a free first consultation. Also, in looking for a referral to one, you might want to contact your local Domestic Violence organization. They will have people you can talk to and refer you to, they see this all the time, they will know what to do and it is completely confidential.
It's possible you may have to file for separation or divorce to force his hand, however that's down the road, first speak with DV?
Is your house jointly owned, owned by you or your parents?
I would suggest you speak with a lawyer and state what you have just stated. Many offer a free first consultation. Also, in looking for a referral to one, you might want to contact your local Domestic Violence organization. They will have people you can talk to and refer you to, they see this all the time, they will know what to do and it is completely confidential.
It's possible you may have to file for separation or divorce to force his hand, however that's down the road, first speak with DV?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JamieLee…..I know what you mean about whiting out when in the heat of the conversation.
One thing that can help is to make talking points on an index card for you to follow.
Another thing is to remember not to get into JADE....
J....justifying your position
A....arguing
D...defending yourself
E.....explaining in great detail
Keep to your talking points. State your position...brief and clear.
I am sure that this is not the first time that you have made your needs known. He knows what is going on.
I suspect that he doesn' take you seriously, like you said....and, he is just stonewalling you.
Don't play his game. You have offered to do it nicely. If he doesn't do it the easy way...then he gets to do it the hard way. If he gets angry...and, he will....so what?----His anger will not stop the World from spinning on it's own axis....and, the locusts will not come. The world will go on....dogs will bark and kids will steal cookies...a nd, the Whip-or-wills will call at dusk...…
***The above suggestion does not apply if he is abusive or becomes physically abusive. In such cases call the dv hotline of the police....
Don't confront him in such cases.****
One thing that can help is to make talking points on an index card for you to follow.
Another thing is to remember not to get into JADE....
J....justifying your position
A....arguing
D...defending yourself
E.....explaining in great detail
Keep to your talking points. State your position...brief and clear.
I am sure that this is not the first time that you have made your needs known. He knows what is going on.
I suspect that he doesn' take you seriously, like you said....and, he is just stonewalling you.
Don't play his game. You have offered to do it nicely. If he doesn't do it the easy way...then he gets to do it the hard way. If he gets angry...and, he will....so what?----His anger will not stop the World from spinning on it's own axis....and, the locusts will not come. The world will go on....dogs will bark and kids will steal cookies...a nd, the Whip-or-wills will call at dusk...…
***The above suggestion does not apply if he is abusive or becomes physically abusive. In such cases call the dv hotline of the police....
Don't confront him in such cases.****
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jamie,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I notice that you have been on SR since 2014. I joined that same year. I look at what I have accomplished in the last 6 years and how my life has changed, and it is truly a blessing. I was with my addict for 34 years when I finally divorced in 2014, it was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done in my life for me and my kids.
Hon, you are worthy of peace, respect, dignity, love, compassion, serenity and so much more. You have paid your dues trying to live with an addict and trying to please the unpleaseable. I know it is so hard to understand but he's never going to change, you are the one that is going to have to change.
Please seek support from alanon or aa or a therapist. You can make small changes in your life to make it better. Baby steps is how I did it. My therapist told me, my axh and I were like an intertwined spider web. But I slowly created a new web for myself and my kids. You can do this, you have support on this forum, please seek support on how to get out of this dysfunctional relationship. Please go read the forum on adult children of alcoholics and read how the kids always wished the sober parent would have left. My children are scarred from growing up in my crazy home, not something that I am proud of, but I am just blessed that neither of them are addicts ... today.
Education is power, and keep making the baby steps. Sending you support and Hugs!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I notice that you have been on SR since 2014. I joined that same year. I look at what I have accomplished in the last 6 years and how my life has changed, and it is truly a blessing. I was with my addict for 34 years when I finally divorced in 2014, it was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done in my life for me and my kids.
Hon, you are worthy of peace, respect, dignity, love, compassion, serenity and so much more. You have paid your dues trying to live with an addict and trying to please the unpleaseable. I know it is so hard to understand but he's never going to change, you are the one that is going to have to change.
Please seek support from alanon or aa or a therapist. You can make small changes in your life to make it better. Baby steps is how I did it. My therapist told me, my axh and I were like an intertwined spider web. But I slowly created a new web for myself and my kids. You can do this, you have support on this forum, please seek support on how to get out of this dysfunctional relationship. Please go read the forum on adult children of alcoholics and read how the kids always wished the sober parent would have left. My children are scarred from growing up in my crazy home, not something that I am proud of, but I am just blessed that neither of them are addicts ... today.
Education is power, and keep making the baby steps. Sending you support and Hugs!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
So, I have thought about just going to a hotel when he decides to drink, and then I can take care of the animals, leave, and come back next morning and he will maybe then take it seriously to leave. But sometimes I need to be at home when he's going to do it, like a school project or working early the next day.
couple things - you don't mention taking the children with you if you head to a hotel? are you saying you would leave them at home with a drunken father?
two, if you parents live next door, couldn't you just go there?
couple things - you don't mention taking the children with you if you head to a hotel? are you saying you would leave them at home with a drunken father?
two, if you parents live next door, couldn't you just go there?
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Join Date: May 2014
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couple things - you don't mention taking the children with you if you head to a hotel? are you saying you would leave them at home with a drunken father?
two, if you parents live next door, couldn't you just go there?[/QUOTE]
One- no of course not! LOL, left that out but yes they'd come- that was an automatic assumption of mine they are 100% my good responsibility and it's just automatic if I'm going they are with me-- like if he's refusing to go or already drunk, if may make him understand I mean it vs thinking I'm just telling him it
Two- they knew about his problem years ago, but I have only talked to one friend about him-- it has been too embarrassing for me
two, if you parents live next door, couldn't you just go there?[/QUOTE]
One- no of course not! LOL, left that out but yes they'd come- that was an automatic assumption of mine they are 100% my good responsibility and it's just automatic if I'm going they are with me-- like if he's refusing to go or already drunk, if may make him understand I mean it vs thinking I'm just telling him it
Two- they knew about his problem years ago, but I have only talked to one friend about him-- it has been too embarrassing for me
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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At some point I had to let go and see what he would do. During the divorce he went to meetings, he was scared. Then he stopped after it. Has been sober but back at it again. It’s no longer my problem! He has to deal with it and me being gone sort of made him have to look at it. Take care of you, he will suit himself, always. If he truly wants this marriage he will make it happen. You be the princess. It’s not about us keeping them, it’s about them keeping us! Hugs and I wish you all the best!
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