Today's update
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Today's update
Journal email: The only way my husband ever seems to enjoy himself is by getting totally drunk, saying embarrassing or inappropriate things such as referring to many things as "gay" in front of small children and other people that it offends, and rambling on and on about things to people who are completely sober. Every time I turn around he has a new/full beer in his hands. He's the only one with a constant stream of alcohol. And as always passing out snoring before he's even ready for bed.
We had talked about going to watch fireworks together down the street, that's obviously not going to happen. What a great July 4th for his wife.
Will my vacation/holidays be like this for the rest of my life (and/or marriage)? Is this the only way he knows how to enjoy himself? Because it makes me miserable and completely ruins my time. Every. Single. Time.
An even sadder realization, I would never trust this man to care for our children on a long term basis if something were to happen to me. I don't think he is capable of making consistently good or responsible choices when it comes to alcohol and parenting. What does that say about us? Whatever it says, it's not good.
I know he's trying hard, but at the end of the day alcohol wins over me and our family on a way too regular basis. Why aren't we enough?
-------------------------------------------
I wrote that to myself and my AH at 9:37pm the night of July 4th, 2015.
I have so many emails like this (that I haven't shared here in previous posts).
The more I do therapy and think about my AH and my's relationship the more I feel like we have an unhealthy attachment to each other. I was looking back through emails yesterday while cleaning out my inbox and went back far to see when the last time he ever wrote me a sweet email was. I couldn't find a single one. They were all before we were married. Over 11 years ago. All of the emails we have between each other consist of just me writing him saying how disappointed I am and him blaming me or making excuses. He never says how much he loves me or understands how I'm feeling and that he wants to change, it's always meanness and 'I'll do better' speeches.
With all of this in mind, I have intense guilt at the thought of actually leaving my AH. He's not drinking (so he says) and working with people back where he is with the intention of being in recovery he says.
Even if he does everything perfect, what would even be left of our marriage? I know I've asked this many times. But I think the foundation of our marriage is our children at this point. We get along and can be friendly towards one another, but is that a marriage?
I keep having this pang feeling that I only get one life, and this is no way for me to spend it. With someone who doesn't love me because he doesn't know how to love because he's miserable inside. And then thinking further I apparently have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Or how to even be in a healthy relationship.
We are one month in, I need to give him the 6 months I promised to see if by some miracle he can show me that he's fundamentally changed as a human and that we could possibly fall in love again. I truly do not believe this is possible in that time frame.
Wow I'm just rambling at this point.
Me and the kids have really hit our stride here and that makes me happy for sure. I'm attending Al Anon weekly, I'm going to regular therapy, I'm going to the gym and playing pickle ball with different groups of people every single week day after I drop my older 2 kids off, and I'm making plans with friends regularly. And I attend a wonderful church weekly. I'm cooking healthy meals for myself at home and eating most at home meals at the table with my children.
I'm happy here. Things feel right here. And even though the material things in my life are much less than they were there, I doesn't cross my mind hardly at all while I'm living here.
Still talking to my AH each day but never after 6pm. His voice is comforting to me, but sadly that's all I feel at the moment. We say I love you at the end of our calls, but I'm left thinking what does that even mean because I don't FEEL like the man loves me.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. That's my update for now.
We had talked about going to watch fireworks together down the street, that's obviously not going to happen. What a great July 4th for his wife.
Will my vacation/holidays be like this for the rest of my life (and/or marriage)? Is this the only way he knows how to enjoy himself? Because it makes me miserable and completely ruins my time. Every. Single. Time.
An even sadder realization, I would never trust this man to care for our children on a long term basis if something were to happen to me. I don't think he is capable of making consistently good or responsible choices when it comes to alcohol and parenting. What does that say about us? Whatever it says, it's not good.
I know he's trying hard, but at the end of the day alcohol wins over me and our family on a way too regular basis. Why aren't we enough?
-------------------------------------------
I wrote that to myself and my AH at 9:37pm the night of July 4th, 2015.
I have so many emails like this (that I haven't shared here in previous posts).
The more I do therapy and think about my AH and my's relationship the more I feel like we have an unhealthy attachment to each other. I was looking back through emails yesterday while cleaning out my inbox and went back far to see when the last time he ever wrote me a sweet email was. I couldn't find a single one. They were all before we were married. Over 11 years ago. All of the emails we have between each other consist of just me writing him saying how disappointed I am and him blaming me or making excuses. He never says how much he loves me or understands how I'm feeling and that he wants to change, it's always meanness and 'I'll do better' speeches.
With all of this in mind, I have intense guilt at the thought of actually leaving my AH. He's not drinking (so he says) and working with people back where he is with the intention of being in recovery he says.
Even if he does everything perfect, what would even be left of our marriage? I know I've asked this many times. But I think the foundation of our marriage is our children at this point. We get along and can be friendly towards one another, but is that a marriage?
I keep having this pang feeling that I only get one life, and this is no way for me to spend it. With someone who doesn't love me because he doesn't know how to love because he's miserable inside. And then thinking further I apparently have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Or how to even be in a healthy relationship.
We are one month in, I need to give him the 6 months I promised to see if by some miracle he can show me that he's fundamentally changed as a human and that we could possibly fall in love again. I truly do not believe this is possible in that time frame.
Wow I'm just rambling at this point.
Me and the kids have really hit our stride here and that makes me happy for sure. I'm attending Al Anon weekly, I'm going to regular therapy, I'm going to the gym and playing pickle ball with different groups of people every single week day after I drop my older 2 kids off, and I'm making plans with friends regularly. And I attend a wonderful church weekly. I'm cooking healthy meals for myself at home and eating most at home meals at the table with my children.
I'm happy here. Things feel right here. And even though the material things in my life are much less than they were there, I doesn't cross my mind hardly at all while I'm living here.
Still talking to my AH each day but never after 6pm. His voice is comforting to me, but sadly that's all I feel at the moment. We say I love you at the end of our calls, but I'm left thinking what does that even mean because I don't FEEL like the man loves me.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. That's my update for now.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
One thing I struggle with the most is the fact that we are not miserable on a daily basis, this is just a common thread throughout our relationship. Looking back, my ability to bounce back into “normal life “is incredible. He can say something or do something that if one of my friends told me that her husband did I would be appalled at and tell them to not let it go so easily, but me I just let it go easily and then continue on with life as if everything is fine. It is how we are where we are today. I somehow convince myself that everything is fine when it is not. And I truly believe it at the time. It’s like I put blinders on until the next time.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I remember those days. For years I HATED all holidays because they were ruined, every single time. I also remember listening to all the embarrassing rambling in public, wishes that things were different. And....I remember being able to bounce back, sometimes within hours. I wanted it to be true so badly, that nothing like that was ever going to happen again, that I would block it out.
Until....I just could not anymore. It was affecting me and my children in such a negative way that I just could not do it. And as you said, we get one crack at this thing called life. That is not how I wanted to spend it. I also could see the future, me taking care of a liver failing drunk, having no choice but be his care taker in the future. It terrified me. That is just not in the cards for me, and I will make dang sure it never is.
Sending you a big hug.
Until....I just could not anymore. It was affecting me and my children in such a negative way that I just could not do it. And as you said, we get one crack at this thing called life. That is not how I wanted to spend it. I also could see the future, me taking care of a liver failing drunk, having no choice but be his care taker in the future. It terrified me. That is just not in the cards for me, and I will make dang sure it never is.
Sending you a big hug.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Do you love him like a person loves their husband. I mean I am absolutely sure that you love him, but we can have love for a lot of people, different levels of course, but love none-the-less. I don't hear that from you, not just today.
You have read Codependent no more? You know false guilt from real guilt. Guilt is a handy emotion WHEN you have done something wrong, false guilt is damaging.
Yes, you are giving him the 6 months but the question you will have to answer is can you forgive him for all that hurt. He may well be sober in the 6 month time period, let's say he is, there is still a lot of recovery to go on there. He, like most alcoholics, is very self-centered and self-involved, his life has revolved around drinking alcohol, sneaking alcohol, hiding alcohol, planning for it.
The recovery will take time. Is that something you want to be present for?
What I actually hear you saying FWN (and I'm going to be blunt here) is that you are quite happy now and really are not interested in pursing this any longer, that you don't want to be married to him.
Guilt, will hold you back. If it's guilt for "abandoning" him, well he abandoned all of you a long time ago, not the other way around, that is why you are where you are now. I'm not advocating blame, it's pointless, just saying that there is a reason you are living in a different town with your children in a rental, true?
If divorce is what you want, deep down, then perhaps that should be your focus now. Planning for that. Anything short of doing what you want to do now will just make you (and him) miserable.
The couple of options I see here are that he does get sober and focuses on recovery and you move back and are living with that, while he attempts to change. Or, you opt to stay away until he shows huge improvement, a year or two, at that point you might be settled and unwilling to go back to the marriage.
That whole thing about overlooking stuff that you wouldn't in others, that's normal, no one wants to spend their day dwelling on the dysfunction of the household. However, it is to your benefit to review these old emails, to see the patterns and ask yourself if you have had enough.
You have read Codependent no more? You know false guilt from real guilt. Guilt is a handy emotion WHEN you have done something wrong, false guilt is damaging.
Yes, you are giving him the 6 months but the question you will have to answer is can you forgive him for all that hurt. He may well be sober in the 6 month time period, let's say he is, there is still a lot of recovery to go on there. He, like most alcoholics, is very self-centered and self-involved, his life has revolved around drinking alcohol, sneaking alcohol, hiding alcohol, planning for it.
The recovery will take time. Is that something you want to be present for?
What I actually hear you saying FWN (and I'm going to be blunt here) is that you are quite happy now and really are not interested in pursing this any longer, that you don't want to be married to him.
Guilt, will hold you back. If it's guilt for "abandoning" him, well he abandoned all of you a long time ago, not the other way around, that is why you are where you are now. I'm not advocating blame, it's pointless, just saying that there is a reason you are living in a different town with your children in a rental, true?
If divorce is what you want, deep down, then perhaps that should be your focus now. Planning for that. Anything short of doing what you want to do now will just make you (and him) miserable.
The couple of options I see here are that he does get sober and focuses on recovery and you move back and are living with that, while he attempts to change. Or, you opt to stay away until he shows huge improvement, a year or two, at that point you might be settled and unwilling to go back to the marriage.
That whole thing about overlooking stuff that you wouldn't in others, that's normal, no one wants to spend their day dwelling on the dysfunction of the household. However, it is to your benefit to review these old emails, to see the patterns and ask yourself if you have had enough.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Trail mix, thank you for the honest response. I suppose I don’t know how to figure out what kind of love I feel. More like a parent to child love, I mostly just feel sad for where we are. How would one describe love in a romantic relationship after 11 years of marriage? What SHOULD that look like?
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FWN...at some point, we can enter the world of “analysis paralysis.” I know for myself that I want to get the data...ALL THE DATA...and come to a decisive, logical conclusion. Done. Finis. Over. Next.
The problem is that some situations don’t lend themselves to this approach because they’re not logic-based and they’re not static...the data keep arriving and they keep changing. We can’t shove the little suckers in a box and clamp that lid down.
I hate that.
What I am doing my best to remember is that sometimes an answer will come if I quit working so hard to find it. What comes to me in a moment of quiet, when my brain has shut up for second long enough for my subconscious to get a word in edgewise, is almost always the truth.
So maybe just live your new, happy life and see if your subconscious might have something to tell you at some point?
The problem is that some situations don’t lend themselves to this approach because they’re not logic-based and they’re not static...the data keep arriving and they keep changing. We can’t shove the little suckers in a box and clamp that lid down.
I hate that.
What I am doing my best to remember is that sometimes an answer will come if I quit working so hard to find it. What comes to me in a moment of quiet, when my brain has shut up for second long enough for my subconscious to get a word in edgewise, is almost always the truth.
So maybe just live your new, happy life and see if your subconscious might have something to tell you at some point?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
FWN...at some point, we can enter the world of “analysis paralysis.” I know for myself that I want to get the data...ALL THE DATA...and come to a decisive, logical conclusion. Done. Finis. Over. Next.
The problem is that some situations don’t lend themselves to this approach because they’re not logic-based and they’re not static...the data keep arriving and they keep changing. We can’t shove the little suckers in a box and clamp that lid down.
I hate that.
What I am doing my best to remember is that sometimes an answer will come if I quit working so hard to find it. What comes to me in a moment of quiet, when my brain has shut up for second long enough for my subconscious to get a word in edgewise, is almost always the truth.
So maybe just live your new, happy life and see if your subconscious might have something to tell you at some point?
The problem is that some situations don’t lend themselves to this approach because they’re not logic-based and they’re not static...the data keep arriving and they keep changing. We can’t shove the little suckers in a box and clamp that lid down.
I hate that.
What I am doing my best to remember is that sometimes an answer will come if I quit working so hard to find it. What comes to me in a moment of quiet, when my brain has shut up for second long enough for my subconscious to get a word in edgewise, is almost always the truth.
So maybe just live your new, happy life and see if your subconscious might have something to tell you at some point?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
My relationships haven't always been the best but did have many good things as well, I do have a good idea of how it should be (I believe).
First you must have trust for them - that's everything from trusting them to pay the electricity bill on time to picking the kids up from school or some other activity without you reminding them. Their investment in the well-being of your family should be solid.
They think about what you would like. When a co-worker invites you both over for dinner and he knows you hate dinner with strangers, he politely declines.
A lot of it is about taking the other person in to consideration, sometimes before yourself, for instance in that dinner invitation, he might really want to go but it's an invite for both of you so he won't throw you under the bus to get what he wants.
When you are hurt, frustrated or worn out, they know, they listen, they kindly advise, heck they try to cheer you up!
They ask (to themselves) what would she/they like? For instance, this whole holiday planning thing, that had nothing to do with you. If it had, he would have asked you if you wanted to, or known it wasn't a good idea right now, but he wanted what he wanted for him.
Note in these examples that the person takes the other person in to account but they also don't throw themselves under the bus to do that either.
There should be passion, not like when you were dating of course (although for some that's true) but a genuine attraction, a connection, emotional.
You know it's kind of what they say about recovery, you know it when you see it. It's not fraught with angst and anger and sadness, it should be pretty joyful really.
I'm sure others will chime in on this too, it's a good question.
First you must have trust for them - that's everything from trusting them to pay the electricity bill on time to picking the kids up from school or some other activity without you reminding them. Their investment in the well-being of your family should be solid.
They think about what you would like. When a co-worker invites you both over for dinner and he knows you hate dinner with strangers, he politely declines.
A lot of it is about taking the other person in to consideration, sometimes before yourself, for instance in that dinner invitation, he might really want to go but it's an invite for both of you so he won't throw you under the bus to get what he wants.
When you are hurt, frustrated or worn out, they know, they listen, they kindly advise, heck they try to cheer you up!
They ask (to themselves) what would she/they like? For instance, this whole holiday planning thing, that had nothing to do with you. If it had, he would have asked you if you wanted to, or known it wasn't a good idea right now, but he wanted what he wanted for him.
Note in these examples that the person takes the other person in to account but they also don't throw themselves under the bus to do that either.
There should be passion, not like when you were dating of course (although for some that's true) but a genuine attraction, a connection, emotional.
You know it's kind of what they say about recovery, you know it when you see it. It's not fraught with angst and anger and sadness, it should be pretty joyful really.
I'm sure others will chime in on this too, it's a good question.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
FWN I don't know what romantic love looks like, so can't help you there.
I know why you have set the 6 month timeframe- very good idea. BUT...it's a timeframe for him to start to make some big lifestyle changes. You don't have to process all that has happened to you in that time. 6 months is not long in the scheme of things. Going over past incidents and hurts is very normal, as is questioning why you stayed in the absence of the loving side of your partner. As your pre-marriage emails show, there was love there.
My AH is the person i married in many ways, but not at all in many other ways. Alcohol has changed him.
Keep focussing on your journey, and try not to see 6 months as a looming deadline.
I know why you have set the 6 month timeframe- very good idea. BUT...it's a timeframe for him to start to make some big lifestyle changes. You don't have to process all that has happened to you in that time. 6 months is not long in the scheme of things. Going over past incidents and hurts is very normal, as is questioning why you stayed in the absence of the loving side of your partner. As your pre-marriage emails show, there was love there.
My AH is the person i married in many ways, but not at all in many other ways. Alcohol has changed him.
Keep focussing on your journey, and try not to see 6 months as a looming deadline.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Getting out of the situation and some time to look at things from a more objective view really changes things, doesn't it?
I really respect your ability to fearlessly "review" what needs reviewing FWN. This is a trait you've shown us repeatedly since the beginning of your time here, and it continues to serve you well.
Take your time--don't rush this and enjoy the peace, the pickleball, and your new church community. All will be revealed.
I really respect your ability to fearlessly "review" what needs reviewing FWN. This is a trait you've shown us repeatedly since the beginning of your time here, and it continues to serve you well.
Take your time--don't rush this and enjoy the peace, the pickleball, and your new church community. All will be revealed.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Worth considering would be leading by example too.
Taking the 12 steps of Al-Anon will be a life changer.
Attraction not promotion does work.
My home group has a spin on one of Einsteins quotes.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Einstein
"The definition of insanity is going to a 12 step recovery program and not actually taking the 12 steps" my home group.
Taking the 12 steps of Al-Anon will be a life changer.
Attraction not promotion does work.
My home group has a spin on one of Einsteins quotes.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Einstein
"The definition of insanity is going to a 12 step recovery program and not actually taking the 12 steps" my home group.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
agree with Derringer. it's one thing to say to another: you need to do this, you need to do that, you should be, why aren't you....? but it is quite another to WALK the TALK and engage the type of recovery we wish they would.
Can you commit to 90 in 90? 90 meetings in 90 days?
Are you willing to seek out a sponsor? and work the steps, in order, thoroughly, all the way thru at least once?
i imagine most everyone has some almost automatic resistance to those two items. well "I" can't do a meeting a day because........or "I" can't work the steps because.........or "I" don't have a sponsor because....
it's all a matter of how bad we want it. but if WE aren't willing to put forth the exact same amount of effort we insist THEY take in order to "get better" then we should maybe stop telling others what they SHOULD be doing and HOW.
Can you commit to 90 in 90? 90 meetings in 90 days?
Are you willing to seek out a sponsor? and work the steps, in order, thoroughly, all the way thru at least once?
i imagine most everyone has some almost automatic resistance to those two items. well "I" can't do a meeting a day because........or "I" can't work the steps because.........or "I" don't have a sponsor because....
it's all a matter of how bad we want it. but if WE aren't willing to put forth the exact same amount of effort we insist THEY take in order to "get better" then we should maybe stop telling others what they SHOULD be doing and HOW.
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I am not opposed to working the steps and getting a sponsor, right now I am working with my therapist though who gives me homework, I am reading the Al-Anon books in the morning and doing a daily meditation. Right now I am enjoying going to the gym in the morning and then my daughter naps for three or four hours in the middle of the day and then by the time I shower and clean the house and or go to the grocery store I do not have time to also go to a meeting, not to mention taking her with me is not the easiest thing for me to focus. I like my one meeting a week right now and my therapist. And I feel like I am making great strides on my own, I actually want To figure things out for myself and to become mentally healthy and recognize these behaviors that have caused me to get here.
If he could accomplish this without the 12 steps, then great I would be supportive. But right now I do not think he can get to recovery any other way. But honestly that is not my choice for him to make, he either does it for himself or he does not. I have let go of that on my end.
What I do know is I am actively working to get mentally healthy on my end but I am sure he is not doing the same.
If he could accomplish this without the 12 steps, then great I would be supportive. But right now I do not think he can get to recovery any other way. But honestly that is not my choice for him to make, he either does it for himself or he does not. I have let go of that on my end.
What I do know is I am actively working to get mentally healthy on my end but I am sure he is not doing the same.
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FWN...…..I think I have heard you say,more than once, that, you don't really know what a healthy, "normal" marriage relationship looks like...feels like....
If your therapist hasn't, already, I predict that she will.....delve into what your parent's relationship was like during your growing up years....
The family is the first place that we begin to learn how people treat each other...and, it has a big impact o n how we may look at relationships when we are adults...….
At the bare bones....marriage is a contract (not just on paper) that meets the needs of BOTH partners.....
Wow...it seems like you really expect a LOT to be nailed down in a 6 month period. LOL....I have visions of the Roadrunner, speeding down the road a breakneck speed. LOl...in my mind, I picture you accomplishing in 4hrs. what would probably take me 8 hrs.!
I think that being industrious and tenacious are good qualities....I wonder if Patience is a strong suit for you?
(by the way....I don't consider denial and patience as the same thing)…..
On another subject.....False guilt is not a good glue to hold a relationship together. A person can be held by guilt glue.....but, I can tell you, that, glue is not very pleasant to cuddle up with at night.....
If your therapist hasn't, already, I predict that she will.....delve into what your parent's relationship was like during your growing up years....
The family is the first place that we begin to learn how people treat each other...and, it has a big impact o n how we may look at relationships when we are adults...….
At the bare bones....marriage is a contract (not just on paper) that meets the needs of BOTH partners.....
Wow...it seems like you really expect a LOT to be nailed down in a 6 month period. LOL....I have visions of the Roadrunner, speeding down the road a breakneck speed. LOl...in my mind, I picture you accomplishing in 4hrs. what would probably take me 8 hrs.!
I think that being industrious and tenacious are good qualities....I wonder if Patience is a strong suit for you?
(by the way....I don't consider denial and patience as the same thing)…..
On another subject.....False guilt is not a good glue to hold a relationship together. A person can be held by guilt glue.....but, I can tell you, that, glue is not very pleasant to cuddle up with at night.....
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Hi FWN, RA here, in my third year of recovery. Just wanted to add my 2 cents on the six month deadline: As Wombat has mentioned, this is not a whole lot of time in the grand scheme of things.
First off, it is not even clear whether your husband has actually started the clock. Secondly, at around that time I experienced ‘brain fog’ for a few months, as my brain had apparently started to clear out the debris from my time as an active alcoholic - a pretty common thing at that stage apparently. And subsequently I spent the next two years in a state of (healthy?) paranoia, making sure that I would not relapse under any circumstances.
Only now, after I’ve gone through last years’ holidays and parties unharmed, I am truly starting to breathe a sigh of relief and think this is it and smoother sailing MAY be ahead. But even now I am not getting careless, with eternal vigilance being the price of my newfound life. I am working on my recovery every day.
How does this apply to you? You will find that after 6 months there will not be a definitive decision, a new state that will have been accomplished. Even if your husband has started his recovery by then, you cannot trust that it will stay this way. Yes, with every year you’ll be on a more solid footing, but please note that I’m saying years, not months! And if he is serious about his recovery, he will focus a lot on himself, potentially leaving your relationship with him in limbo. Brace yourself for this to happen just in case.
In the meantime, for the sake of you and your children, you’ll need to work on your own development, learn how to be independent, and put contingency plans in place. As an RA I obviously do not want a fellow alcoholic to fail, but do not tie your fate to him unconditionally. God bless, support to you!
First off, it is not even clear whether your husband has actually started the clock. Secondly, at around that time I experienced ‘brain fog’ for a few months, as my brain had apparently started to clear out the debris from my time as an active alcoholic - a pretty common thing at that stage apparently. And subsequently I spent the next two years in a state of (healthy?) paranoia, making sure that I would not relapse under any circumstances.
Only now, after I’ve gone through last years’ holidays and parties unharmed, I am truly starting to breathe a sigh of relief and think this is it and smoother sailing MAY be ahead. But even now I am not getting careless, with eternal vigilance being the price of my newfound life. I am working on my recovery every day.
How does this apply to you? You will find that after 6 months there will not be a definitive decision, a new state that will have been accomplished. Even if your husband has started his recovery by then, you cannot trust that it will stay this way. Yes, with every year you’ll be on a more solid footing, but please note that I’m saying years, not months! And if he is serious about his recovery, he will focus a lot on himself, potentially leaving your relationship with him in limbo. Brace yourself for this to happen just in case.
In the meantime, for the sake of you and your children, you’ll need to work on your own development, learn how to be independent, and put contingency plans in place. As an RA I obviously do not want a fellow alcoholic to fail, but do not tie your fate to him unconditionally. God bless, support to you!
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Yes thank you Mac. You are reiterating something my therapist mentioned in our last session. That she herself who is a recovering alcoholic for 35 years, her husband is also a recovering alcoholic who started recovery a month after she did and she said they separated for 3 years, that he didn't even choose recovery until after 1.5 years separated. And that she'd have divorced him but God hadn't given her the 'release' to divorce him, and that in her experience/opinion I'll feel that God has given me a release if the right thing to do is divorce him. I feel that for me what she is saying will the the case for me, that I'll need the release from God from within in order to make that decision. Which I believe is what all of you are saying to me too when you say all will be revealed in time.
Right now I need to wake up each morning and remind myself that doing nothing right now is doing something. And that's all I really need to be doing in regards to our marriage, nothing. Focus on my one day at a time day, do things that make me fulfilled and leave the rest to God. I'm not a person who has ever considered a tattoo, but wouldn't that be the one to get. A daily reminder to let go and let God.
Right now I need to wake up each morning and remind myself that doing nothing right now is doing something. And that's all I really need to be doing in regards to our marriage, nothing. Focus on my one day at a time day, do things that make me fulfilled and leave the rest to God. I'm not a person who has ever considered a tattoo, but wouldn't that be the one to get. A daily reminder to let go and let God.
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And on the 6 month thing, yes I am a terribly impatient person and always want to find a solution NOW. But truly what the 6 months will be in this case is a reevaluation point. To move back or stay. To stay married or not. Then give it 6 more months etc.
I still have hope that he can make this change for himself and that we can find a way back to one another. But as I've also said before, I have hope but I'm not blind. If we are still in this same place we are now 6 months down the line, I just know I cannot wait forever for him to wake up/grow up/whatever it is that's needed here.
Thanks everyone, this is such a positive outlet for me, it's so nice having all of you here to give me guidance and direction and perspective.
I still have hope that he can make this change for himself and that we can find a way back to one another. But as I've also said before, I have hope but I'm not blind. If we are still in this same place we are now 6 months down the line, I just know I cannot wait forever for him to wake up/grow up/whatever it is that's needed here.
Thanks everyone, this is such a positive outlet for me, it's so nice having all of you here to give me guidance and direction and perspective.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
FWN...….Why are you impatient (in general)? Do you know where that comes from?
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