Just depressed!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Just depressed!
Been a while since i posted. Things have gotten even worse. I think things are bad then they get worse. I don’t know why I still become shocked. But anyways we had a big blow up tonight. The kids went to his moms to watch the super bowl. We were supposed to go to. I was getting ready to leave and he walks in with the dreaded we need to talk. GREAT!!
So since he went to detox for not even 24hrs and came home. We have been friendly to each other. Not over friendly just not fighting and been on speaking terms. I have been reading the Al Anon book. Love it. Helped me a lot. Just been doing my own thing. He’s sleeping on the couch. His choice not mine. But ok with me. We have been basically roommates. But tonight he decided it was time to talk. So he started the conversation with. If this is the way we are going to live then why are we even together. And I agreed with him. Why are we together. Then of course it turned into a 30 minute lecture on what a fantastic wife I am. Hahaha. Just kidding. What a horrible wife I am. We never have sex we never talk we never do this. We never do that. Well no. We don’t. You are always drinking. I’m sorry. But it’s so unattractive. I feel absolutely disgusted when he walks through the door and I see he’s been drinking. It’s so crazy because he has always took such price in taking care of himself. Like he would eat so healthy. He went to the gym everyday. But know he barely eats anything hasn’t been to the gym in forever. Looks like he’s aged 10 years in the past year.
But I told him I was not happy. He knew why I wasn’t happy. And he is choosing liquor over his family. And of course it’s turned around on me. I’m a crazy bit**. I need my hormones checked. I’m busting up our family. The kids will see it’s my fault. He’s done everything he can to make me happy. Blah blah blah
but I can’t take anymore. I really can’t. I’m at wits end with it all. Am I crazy?? Will the kids hate me?? Can I do it on my own?? God why is this so hard. Someone being so freaking mean to me and I still would like for things to work out. Pisses me off at myself I have let someone make me feel this way. I have no feelings anymore. None. No tears not sad that I told him we were done. No tears when he said we were done. I wish he would just leave. But I’m the one that will have to. He would never leave. This is his family’s home place. They all live around us. He would die before he left. Which is fine I don’t wanna be in the middle of all his family. But still this is mine and my kids home. The only place they have lived.
anyways I just needed to vent. I don’t know what tomorrow holds.
So since he went to detox for not even 24hrs and came home. We have been friendly to each other. Not over friendly just not fighting and been on speaking terms. I have been reading the Al Anon book. Love it. Helped me a lot. Just been doing my own thing. He’s sleeping on the couch. His choice not mine. But ok with me. We have been basically roommates. But tonight he decided it was time to talk. So he started the conversation with. If this is the way we are going to live then why are we even together. And I agreed with him. Why are we together. Then of course it turned into a 30 minute lecture on what a fantastic wife I am. Hahaha. Just kidding. What a horrible wife I am. We never have sex we never talk we never do this. We never do that. Well no. We don’t. You are always drinking. I’m sorry. But it’s so unattractive. I feel absolutely disgusted when he walks through the door and I see he’s been drinking. It’s so crazy because he has always took such price in taking care of himself. Like he would eat so healthy. He went to the gym everyday. But know he barely eats anything hasn’t been to the gym in forever. Looks like he’s aged 10 years in the past year.
But I told him I was not happy. He knew why I wasn’t happy. And he is choosing liquor over his family. And of course it’s turned around on me. I’m a crazy bit**. I need my hormones checked. I’m busting up our family. The kids will see it’s my fault. He’s done everything he can to make me happy. Blah blah blah
but I can’t take anymore. I really can’t. I’m at wits end with it all. Am I crazy?? Will the kids hate me?? Can I do it on my own?? God why is this so hard. Someone being so freaking mean to me and I still would like for things to work out. Pisses me off at myself I have let someone make me feel this way. I have no feelings anymore. None. No tears not sad that I told him we were done. No tears when he said we were done. I wish he would just leave. But I’m the one that will have to. He would never leave. This is his family’s home place. They all live around us. He would die before he left. Which is fine I don’t wanna be in the middle of all his family. But still this is mine and my kids home. The only place they have lived.
anyways I just needed to vent. I don’t know what tomorrow holds.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
"Am I crazy?? Will the kids hate me?? Can I do it on my own"??
No, no and yes.
Is it possible you want it to work out because that would be easier?
I don't mean it will be easy, it won't be, but you are in a place of (what appears to be) comfort.
When everything in your world is topsy-turvy, when your relationship is going so wrong, when you are concerned about you kids and the effect all of this has on them - what is it you want to do? Move to a new place where nothing is familiar or comforting!!
Or not.
I think that's a lot of it? The second thing is, when you have someone calling you a crazy ***** all the time, it does not just roll off your back. I'm sure that is just a sample of what he says to you, regularly. You are second guessing yourself and it is completely understandable. Your self confidence has been beaten out of you.
So what can you do? You don't know what to do, you are confused, the thing you want (a healthy relationship with a good husband) is not happening right now.
What you can do is make a logical decision rather than an emotional one. For instance: I'm confused and undecided but I know if I leave the kids will be living in a healthier environment and so will I. We will have a peaceful, alcohol free home, with freedom from this verbal abuse.
Then you do it. Organize yourself, one foot in front of the other. No need to worry about separation or divorce right now, just get this done. Look at rentals, sign a lease, pack to leave then do it.
It wouldn't hurt to consult a lawyer, if you haven't already done so, just to see about child support etc.
No, no and yes.
Is it possible you want it to work out because that would be easier?
I don't mean it will be easy, it won't be, but you are in a place of (what appears to be) comfort.
When everything in your world is topsy-turvy, when your relationship is going so wrong, when you are concerned about you kids and the effect all of this has on them - what is it you want to do? Move to a new place where nothing is familiar or comforting!!
Or not.
I think that's a lot of it? The second thing is, when you have someone calling you a crazy ***** all the time, it does not just roll off your back. I'm sure that is just a sample of what he says to you, regularly. You are second guessing yourself and it is completely understandable. Your self confidence has been beaten out of you.
So what can you do? You don't know what to do, you are confused, the thing you want (a healthy relationship with a good husband) is not happening right now.
What you can do is make a logical decision rather than an emotional one. For instance: I'm confused and undecided but I know if I leave the kids will be living in a healthier environment and so will I. We will have a peaceful, alcohol free home, with freedom from this verbal abuse.
Then you do it. Organize yourself, one foot in front of the other. No need to worry about separation or divorce right now, just get this done. Look at rentals, sign a lease, pack to leave then do it.
It wouldn't hurt to consult a lawyer, if you haven't already done so, just to see about child support etc.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cl;owery…...I went back and scanned all of your past threads, again. I left you a long post on one of your threads on 12/13/2019. You can go back and read it by clicking on your name---on the left side of the page. There will be a drop down menu. Clock on the "former threads" option...and, you will see all of your past threads.
Clowery, you are living in an abusive situation.....and, it is affecting you and the kids. You are depressed and your daughter is suffering from anxiety.
It is not your fault.....and it is wrong for you to be treated this way.
the situation is getting worse...as his alcoholism is getting worse. Don't let false hope of "working it out" keep you trapped...because these situations, like you have shared, do not just "get worked out".....
What will help you to break your inertia is to take action...in steps.
I suggest that the most important step for you to take is to get some concrete support. There is a lot of support...but, you will have to reach out for it.
First step...….call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. they will direct you to the closest domestic abuse organization to your location.
You absolute qualify for their help...because there is all kinds of abuse...and, verbal abuse is one of them. It leaves scars on the inside.
They deal with situations just like yours all of the time. they are there for help.
You can talk to an understanding worker on the phone. EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS KEPT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE. Your husband doesn't need to know anything about this. They have resources to help you in all aspects of your life...….from job seeking, to financial services, to emergency housing, to legal assistance, to counseling services, etc......they have resources that you have probably never thought of.
Make the call! You have nothing to lose by having support and help from understanding people who have the ability to actually help you.....
The hotline number to the domestic abuse hotline is...1-800-799-7233
Second step......See a lawyer to find out all of your rights...you DO have rights....
You will start to feel better and more confident by just finding out information....
I am giving you the following website that will help prepare you to see a lawyer.....It is educational in nature, and is arranged y state....It will help you to organize your thoughts and questions, before you talk to a lawyer.
womandivorce.com
Clowery, I think it is time to stop looking for him to "get better", and turn your attention to looking after yourself and your kids.....
When you begin, I know you will start to feel a lot better....
thankfully, you have a supportive family near by.....
It is time to come honest with them, also...because they are going to find out, anyway...….
Clowery, you are living in an abusive situation.....and, it is affecting you and the kids. You are depressed and your daughter is suffering from anxiety.
It is not your fault.....and it is wrong for you to be treated this way.
the situation is getting worse...as his alcoholism is getting worse. Don't let false hope of "working it out" keep you trapped...because these situations, like you have shared, do not just "get worked out".....
What will help you to break your inertia is to take action...in steps.
I suggest that the most important step for you to take is to get some concrete support. There is a lot of support...but, you will have to reach out for it.
First step...….call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. they will direct you to the closest domestic abuse organization to your location.
You absolute qualify for their help...because there is all kinds of abuse...and, verbal abuse is one of them. It leaves scars on the inside.
They deal with situations just like yours all of the time. they are there for help.
You can talk to an understanding worker on the phone. EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS KEPT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE. Your husband doesn't need to know anything about this. They have resources to help you in all aspects of your life...….from job seeking, to financial services, to emergency housing, to legal assistance, to counseling services, etc......they have resources that you have probably never thought of.
Make the call! You have nothing to lose by having support and help from understanding people who have the ability to actually help you.....
The hotline number to the domestic abuse hotline is...1-800-799-7233
Second step......See a lawyer to find out all of your rights...you DO have rights....
You will start to feel better and more confident by just finding out information....
I am giving you the following website that will help prepare you to see a lawyer.....It is educational in nature, and is arranged y state....It will help you to organize your thoughts and questions, before you talk to a lawyer.
womandivorce.com
Clowery, I think it is time to stop looking for him to "get better", and turn your attention to looking after yourself and your kids.....
When you begin, I know you will start to feel a lot better....
thankfully, you have a supportive family near by.....
It is time to come honest with them, also...because they are going to find out, anyway...….
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
The kids won’t hate you, that is a bully tactic of his. He wants to keep the status quo.
verbal abuse is horrible, my ex is in a rehab, a year long commitment rehab, and I don’t think I can ever live with the verbal abuse ever again, he also turned physically abusive, which I didn’t see coming. So stay vigilant if you do start changing up the dynamics, they don’t like change or strength in their partners.
verbal abuse is horrible, my ex is in a rehab, a year long commitment rehab, and I don’t think I can ever live with the verbal abuse ever again, he also turned physically abusive, which I didn’t see coming. So stay vigilant if you do start changing up the dynamics, they don’t like change or strength in their partners.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. There are so many people on this site that know what you're feeling, including me. No, you're not crazy. He's engaging in blame shifting. The alcoholic does everything to deflect from the drinking because they want to keep drinking. My AH is doing this exact thing. Every time we "talk", it's nothing but criticism and blame on me. That's how I see it anyways.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by clowery0508 
But I told him I was not happy. He knew why I wasn’t happy. And he is choosing liquor over his family. And of course it’s turned around on me. I’m a crazy bit**. I need my hormones checked. I’m busting up our family. The kids will see it’s my fault. He’s done everything he can to make me happy. Blah blah blah
What exactly has he done to make you happy? Drinking? Verbal abuse? Mental and emotional abuse? He is a delusional alcoholic that is both manipulating and gaslighting you. You deserve so much better.
You are not crazy...but I bet you feel pretty bonkers right now. I sure did when I was in your shoes. My AXH depended on me spinning so that he could continue to maintain his illusion of control. It worked for a long time so of course he kept at it. I let him. I was my own worst enemy in that regard.
Your kids will not hate you. They will always love you, even when they are angry or hurt or disappointed by things you do over the course of an entire life time, they will always love you. As parents we often have to make decisions in our children's best interests that they do not agree with... that doesn't mean we don't do it. I think as parents we often try to own our children's feelings. It's something I struggle with too. It's a heavy burden that isn't even ours to carry and honestly does not help the kids at all.
You absolutely can do this on your own. Millions of parents have removed themselves and their children from toxic family dynamics. Is it always easy? Hell no. Is it always worth it? A resounding YES!!!!
I am sorry things are so hard right now. I remember how confusing, frustrating, infuriating and frightening it all was. I wont ever forget that time in my life... those hard times are what make these good times I'm enjoying now so much sweeter.
Imagine the life you want and deserve for yourself and your kids. If your life isn't on the right path it's probably time to find a new avenue.
Sending support, strength and clarity your way. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I can think of nothing that would have given me a better start in life than not having to grow up in an unstable, alcoholic home.
Your kids won't hate you. In the end they will thank you and you will have given them the gift of safety and peace. That's a great foundation to build a family on.
You cannot control the gaslighting & abusive alcoholic that is their father, but you can control your and your kid's exposure to it on a daily basis.
Be strong and do what is in your heart.
Your kids won't hate you. In the end they will thank you and you will have given them the gift of safety and peace. That's a great foundation to build a family on.
You cannot control the gaslighting & abusive alcoholic that is their father, but you can control your and your kid's exposure to it on a daily basis.
Be strong and do what is in your heart.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Just echoing what everyone else said here and sending hugs. I moved out of our house over Christmas break, took me and my three young children ages four, seven, and four months and we are living in a rental. My mind is so much calmer here. Like everyone said, take baby steps. Just do the next right thing to get out of there. Distance away from all Just echoing what everyone else said here and sending hugs. I moved out of our house over Christmas break, took me and my three young children ages four, seven, and four months and we are living in a rental by my parents and family. My mind is so much calmer here. Like everyone said, take baby steps. Just do the next right thing to get out of there and try not to over think it. Distance away from all of this will bring you clarity and hopefully some peace.of this will bring you clarity and hopefully some peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
My XAH would say the same things but we never did talk about the elephant in the room, his drinking. He was functional so he thought since he just drank on weekends and held a good job, he was a social drinker But without the social, he would drink all alone and play his stupid internet game. Anytime we argued, which was quite a lot at the end, everything was my fault and I didn't know how to be married blah blah blah. It took me several years to leave and like you I was over it. I was disgusted by my XAH. My only regret was not leaving sooner, heck even having a second date with him. It can appear overwhelming so that is why as others have said just one step at a time. You really deserve better!
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Blame shifting...that old chestnut. My Q did the same thing kinda. He would focus on some other thing that I did/ didn't do when he was drunk/ hungover and try to steer the conversation that way. He never blamed me for his drinking but it was still very aggravating. He did blame everything else from parents, upbringing, career, etc and only now is he owning it (seemingly).
There have been hundreds of people on these forums and beyond who have left with children and will continue to do so for their own sake and their kids. You absolutely can be one of them. You are stronger than you know.
All the best.
There have been hundreds of people on these forums and beyond who have left with children and will continue to do so for their own sake and their kids. You absolutely can be one of them. You are stronger than you know.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Clowery - I know it’s hard to see right now but you really have been moving forward. By posting here, asking questions, reading new books...you are empowering yourself. You've gotten lots of great advice here on SR. Knowledge is key. Think back to say last year...I bet you can see a difference from back then and the way you handle situations now. You have new “tools” please use them to keep propelling yourself forward. Grow your inventory, stockpile them. Detach, detach, detach. These are your “baby steps” You See? You’ve been taking them for a while now and probly didn’t even realize it. Be proud of yourself. Every day you’re getting a bit stronger, for yourself and your kids...you can do this! 
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Thank you all for the comments and kind words. I contacted a friend yesterday whose father in law has some rentals that are close to my parents. He’s gonna talk with him and see if he has anything available that I can afford. If that falls through my plan is to start moving some of my stuff to my parents house. I’m waiting on lawyer friend to call me back. He was out of town yesterday.
as of right now I am here. I cooked supper last night which he didn’t eat. Which is fine. Me and the kids have to eat. He was passed out by 8:40. And I was in bed by 9. Earliest I’ve been to bed in months. It was great. We spoke when he first got home. Before drinking. And then that was it. Which again is fine. Then this morning he got up late. Which is his fault. And of course it’s chaos. Which he turns into everyone else’s fault. And I did get snappy with him. Because he fussed at my son because he needed a shirt that was hanging in the bathroom which my son was in there getting ready for school. Again if he wasn’t late it wouldn’t of mattered.
anyways. I’m trying to make some steps. It’s just sad it’s come to this. Normal him is such a great guy. Really. So hard working and caring for other people. I never would of seen this coming. In a million years.
as of right now I am here. I cooked supper last night which he didn’t eat. Which is fine. Me and the kids have to eat. He was passed out by 8:40. And I was in bed by 9. Earliest I’ve been to bed in months. It was great. We spoke when he first got home. Before drinking. And then that was it. Which again is fine. Then this morning he got up late. Which is his fault. And of course it’s chaos. Which he turns into everyone else’s fault. And I did get snappy with him. Because he fussed at my son because he needed a shirt that was hanging in the bathroom which my son was in there getting ready for school. Again if he wasn’t late it wouldn’t of mattered.
anyways. I’m trying to make some steps. It’s just sad it’s come to this. Normal him is such a great guy. Really. So hard working and caring for other people. I never would of seen this coming. In a million years.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by clowery0508
It’s just sad it’s come to this. Normal him is such a great guy. Really. So hard working and caring for other people. I never would of seen this coming. In a million years.
You don't want to accept it, who would, the person you knew has changed before your eyes, where did the other guy go?
Well, perhaps he is in there somewhere, although I don't think anyone escapes alcoholism unscathed. For whatever amount of time he continues this, destruction follows. That is his experience of life right now (and yours too).
Unfortunately you can't help him, as you know. I'm really glad you are looking in to rentals and I hope the friend of a friend has something for you.
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Normal him is such a great guy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
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So he talked with my son tonight. I don’t know all the details. I just got a quick run down before my son went to bed. Started out he fussed at him over he didn’t sweep up some dirt good enough. Or something stupid. Anyways. Then he started talking to him about our relationship. Saying things like if I don’t start being nicer to him we are gonna get a divorce. And saying I wouldn’t let him sleep in the bed. Which is not true. He’s chosen to sleep on the couch. And saying I should just accept his drinking. so then my son comes to me after AH walks outside and says mom all you have to do is talk to him. Tell him you will be nice to him. Tell him he can come back and sleep in the bed. Tell him it’s ok if he drinks occasionally just don’t get drunk and mean. That’s all you gotta do.
I said son it’s not that easy. And tried to explain the best I could. But as he was going to bed. He said please mom promise me you will talk to him.
talk about pulling at my heart strings. Then AH comes inside with the dog that’s an outside dog (this is who he has been cuddling up to every night for a month) and piles up on the couch. Not complaining about that. But he said earlier today he was gonna leave the dog outside tonight so he could get a good nights sleep. But made out to our son that I won’t let him come to bed. Nope he’s been sleeping with the dog. He’s so manipulative.
I said son it’s not that easy. And tried to explain the best I could. But as he was going to bed. He said please mom promise me you will talk to him.
talk about pulling at my heart strings. Then AH comes inside with the dog that’s an outside dog (this is who he has been cuddling up to every night for a month) and piles up on the couch. Not complaining about that. But he said earlier today he was gonna leave the dog outside tonight so he could get a good nights sleep. But made out to our son that I won’t let him come to bed. Nope he’s been sleeping with the dog. He’s so manipulative.
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